Seperation Anxiety - Phelps,NY

hi T.; i have to tell you, i really understand what you are going through. we went through a lot of sleep changes and disturbances with my son from the time he was about 10 months or so until he was nearly 2.5; and there were no changes in his routine at all. he is just over 2.5 yrs now and has only recently started sleeping through the night regularly. let me be frank and loving with you in what i think.

i feel very strongly that it is a mistake NOT to take a crying baby out of the crib. i know most people disagree with this, and that all the mainstream parenting advice is against it, but i feel that they are very wrong. i think there are a lot of social, economical, and psychological reasons why this has become the norm, but i think it's all very wrong headed. i think that in our society women are forced to run back to work either because mothering is not valued enough as a full time job, or because the family really needs the money, or because the family wants more money than they really need, but whatever the reason, everything about forcing a baby to stay alone all night in a crib without waking up is related to money and excessive discipline, and it means that the baby is forced to adapt to unhappy and possibly very unhealthy habits.

babies wake up for a million reasons. they are going through all kinds of changes all the time, much of which is undetectable to us. they may wake up because they are hungry, lonely, cold, hot, have been disturbed by a sound, a bad dream, being uncomfortable, and very often, it's because thier little minds are so busy learning and processing that just like us when we have too much on our minds, they can't relax. and the truth is, the person they need most to comfort them, in the dark, when they are alone, possibly scared, is thier mom, and they're entitled to that. we need to rememeber that they are only babies, and they are counting on us 100% if the time.

i won't say that it's easy to respond to every night waking, its not; i was exhausted when my son was going through this. now i also have a 10 month old, and she is simply an easier sleeper than he was, so far; but she does get up about 2xs per night. but my gut instinct, like yours, is that the crying is painful for the baby and for the mom, and you should respond to it. you simply should. you saw how easy it was to comfort her just by taking her out of the crib and holding her; why is that wrong? that's a mother's job. your baby loves you, it's as simple as that.

if your baby is throwing her self at the crib sides and sobbing terribly, she is in pain. how wouldyou feel if you were in pain in the night and your partner told you to tough it out alone? that wouldn't be fair, would it? especially now that you are home with your baby, you owe it to her and to yourself to respond to her needs, and to your own excellent, sensitive mothering instincts. you will be so happy to see how quickly a little mother love will correct so many problems. i would bet that if you help her in this way for a few weeks, the waking will correct itself. maybe not forever, but for a long time. and then maybe it will come back, and she'll need you again. but you know, this is what's going to happen through her whole life. shes' going to go through periods where she needs you more, and other times where she's more independant. that's what growing up is all about.

love your baby. you're a great mom. we're all tired. you can do this.

good luck.

Hey T.!

It sounds to me like she is getting too much sleep. Every 2 hours she sleeps another 2 hours? That seems like an awful lot to me for an 11 month old. I would try to cut down her naps and I bet she will fall right to sleep w/o a problem! Also, every 2-3 months babies go through cycles where they differ in their sleep patterns. I bet she just doesn't need as much sleep and is letting ya know by not going right down like she used to. My daughter (first child)slept in our bed til she was like 3 1/2 just so we could get some sleep because she continously would scream, not just cry, until someone came to get her and laid w/her until she feel asleep, so I feel for ya! Needless to say, our son (2nd child) stayed in his bed even if he cried and he was our perfect sleeper!

I think every baby puts their parents through this!! My daughter is 15 months old. We had the same thing happen. She has slept throught he night since 3 months old. Then around 11-12 months, the crying began in the crib. I turned the volume down on the remote and let her scream through it. She wasn't hurting herself. Sometimes her screaming would last 30 minutes. After about a week, she stopped. She has been fine ever since. Babies are excellent manipulators. They know how to get what they want!! Stay strong and continue to ignore it.

Happy New Year!
D.

Tara you are right it is not manipulation....but I don't think she meant it in that way...
It is true...they have little means of communication.
They are trying to get what they want....they are learning about the world the hard way and they can't always get their way. Mommy has to put them down....they get gas, they get wet, they get hungry, they get tired...... and have no idea why.

Tynn,
You sound like you really are doing things right.
-AND-
You are right, the change in routine is recognized by Emma.
Be patient, and don't give in. You are teaching her she has to be put in her crib to sleep and Emma is reacting normally. Sounds more like you just want to be reassured this is normal and you aren't doing anything wrong. I'll bet you will hear this from many responses....you're doing great!...you don't need our advice.

:)

I'm sorry, but I have to respond to what Diane wrote. Babies do NOT manipulate. They don't have the skills to do that. When babies cry they are trying to tell you something. It is their only form of communication and to ignore it only teaches them that their only form of communication doesnt work and that they can't depend on the poeple they love to respond to their needs.

The reason it feels so wrong to listen to her cry like that must say something to your instinctual mothering. Go to her, comfort her. Here is a link about sleep issues.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/7/T070100.asp
If for some reason the link doesnt take you to the sleep page (its known to do that) you can click on the red "ask Dr Sears" link on the upper right hand corner, or just go to
Asdrsears.com and click on the sleep issues link. It might ask you to sign up for their newsletter, but you dont have to to read the page.

Also, there is a book that helps parents deal with nighttime and sleep issues that is a more gentle approach to helping you baby without letting them cry-it-out. Its called:
http://www.amazon.com/No-Cry-Sleep-Solution-Gentle-Throug...
You can get it used for less than $6.00. I hope this helps some. Good luck Momma!

I definitely agree with diane, every baby will do this, they love you so much they never wanna leave you. Keep doing what you are doing. I wish there was more to say but this is such normal behavior and children will grow out of it, until then i don't think there are any tricks to make it easier on either of you.

I have always worked part time (and only hours where my daughter is sleeping) so i stay home with her all day and night. She used to give anyone hell that wasn't me, even her father. She would be hysterical with him to the point where he did not know what else to do, the second he handed her to me she would calm straight down and put her head on my shoulder to cuddle or fall asleep. As she got older and more independent it got better and better.

She's 11 months now, so soon she will be walking(if she isn't already) and exploring more so it should get better. You are doing the right thing by being tough, it will eventually teach her how to become more adjusted to the fact that you guys leave.

Is she like that when you drop her off at daycare or is it justw hen she is alone? That is something else to consider, maybe she needs something to console her right in her crib with her.

I have 2 little ones, ages 3 and 10 months. People had said with my son to just let him cry when he was having fits at night not wanting to go to sleep on his own, and I did try that, a little, but it didn't really work. I found that there was nothing wrong with going in and rocking with him for a few minutes so that he could fall asleep easily. My stress level went down and bedtime did not become a painful experience. He started to go to sleep on his own at a year old (after a few months of rocking with him at night. My daughter has always been a good sleeper, going down easily, but there are some nights she has a hard time. I find that rocking her to sleep takes such a small amount of time to make us both feel better and I know that she is secure in her attachment to myself and her father because we do this for her. It doesn't last forever, and they are only little once. Cherish these moments when they want to be held and comforted!

I'm not quite sure what your question is because it already sounds like you are doing the right thing. Give her a little hug, and put her back in bed. She just wants to know you are still there. It does sound like she's napping way too often for her age though. You didn't say what time she goes to bed, or gets up in the morning, but maybe she's having too much nap time. She may not be tired when you say it's bedtime.

My Son, Now 2, did the same thing at 10 months. Before then, I would put him in the crib and leave, and he would just go to sleep. At 10 months, he started crying, almost like his feelings were hurt when I'd leave. I ended up staying in there and rubbing his back till he fell sleep. This period lasted 8 months, and he wouldn't let me leave the room until he fell sleep. It went fromme rubbing his back, to just sitting in the room, but towards the end it was lasting upwards of 1 hour. I probably could have worked on it earlier, maybe 5 months was all he needed. Now we are back on the puting him to bed, and him going to sleep again. You may want to calm her by rubbing her back, but leave before she falls sleep. Maybe all she needs is a little comfort.

so hard to deal with- i empathize with you.
my son has been sleeping in my bed with my husband and me for the past year. i couldn't bear to hear him cry from his crib so i just brought him in with me and have been doing it ever since. everyone tells me i'm crazy but i tried to ferberize him and he cried so hard that he threw up. this was all last year..
i finally decided to 'bite the bullet' and get him to sleep in his own crib(one of my resolutions)by preparing myself for the crying. last night, my husband stood by his crib and rubbed his back for 45 minutes telling him that e/t is okay and mommy & daddy love him and he is a 'big boy' who will sleep in his own bed. he slept from 10:30pm-6:30am. mind you, i have a king size bed & it was very uncomfortable for 3 of us to be there b/c my son sleeps horizontally & either kicks me in the head or head butts me on the face.
i finally got some good sleep.
i think the key is being there as they fall asleep & letting them know that you are there. this morning when zach, my son, woke up i went in & rubbed his back for a few minutes & he fell asleep again. when i left the room he cried out for me and i came back in to rub his back & sat down next to his crib. he kept looking around to be sure i was there.
i hope this works again tonight. if not, i will sit next to his crib until he falls asleep. or camp out on the floor until he gets comfy in his own bed.

i hope this helps & best of luck with your little one!