You can't repair him because HE'S NOT BROKEN! He is a living breathing human being with amazing strengths, just like all of us, and some shortcomings, just like all of us. If you heard yourself sigh in your head (or out loud) when you read the part about 'amazing strengths', you are no where near ready to be a good person for your son to be around if he's to grow into a well functioning happy human being.
Many will bash me I'm sure for saying this, but I don't think we are blessed with our children to have their gratitude. They don't owe us gifts and thanks at all....but if we've done well by them we get those things anyways. We are parents to hopefully raise happy and well adjusted and well functioning kids. Their happiness and success IS our thanks.
I'm sure you've been through a lot with him to have kicked his 'butt' out, but did it ever occur to you that children struggling with all of the things you described are NOT HAPPY...not with themselves most of all? That he wasn't waking up everyday thinking of how to make you suffer, but instead, with all of the thoughts and feelings that made him miserable?
You and other mama's who are fans of tough love, here it is: you are being selfish for not trying to see the best in your kids who are struggling and you are selfish for making it ALL about whether they are grateful or entitled or ungrateful. Because here is what I read: he's selfish for expecting/complaining about not having you give him material things, but somehow you aren't selfish for expecting a 20 year old broke son to show up with material presents. He's selfish for wanting help with college, yet he's also selfish for being suspended in earlier years. Which is it? you want him educated or not?
I know I'm coming across harsh and maybe even mean. I apologize. It's just so frustrating to read about a boy who is clearly struggling, even making his own attempt at repair by coming home for the holidays, and not once did you say anything nice about him. It's frustrating because you want a better relationship and don't recognize you are part of the problem. He owns his part of the problem but not all of it. You have plenty of mama's who will comfort and side with you, which is good. My role' the purpose of my response, is to give it to you straight so you can maybe have the close relationship with your son that you deserve and wish for. My purpose is to simply say stop making him the scape-goat, acknowledge what he's doing RIGHT, acknowledge what everyone could be better at, and focus on what you want instead of what you don't currently have or what has happened in the past.
If you love your son and want to be part of the solution (handouts have nothing to do with providing a caring and supportive relationship with high expectations...the two are not mutually exclusive) then LET THE PAST GO. Figure out what you want, from yourself and him, and start doing it. You have to give respect to get it and just because you are a parent doesn't mean you don't model respect. Get to know him as a human being' what he likes and what makes him feel the best about who he is and build on that. Because no one ever succeeded from hearing all that is wrong with them. We succeed when we have others help us see our own good when we can't. And if he's been overly dependent on you it's because he doesn't see his own good.
Hate me for my views, dismiss them, do what you will. Just know us mama's have strengths too. We should be focusing on creative ways to shine for our children, not simple 'outs' for how to blame our children for their own suffering.
And by the way, we are parents for life, not until our kids turn 18. The brain is barely half way developing at 18 (it's a fact, look it up), so your job isn't done. Get some family counseling so you can find what it means to cherish him again and so you can all repair together.
Despite my harsh tone, I truly wish you well and for your family to heal from all this negativity and blame. Because at the end of the day, it doesn't matter who did what, it only matters who loves who. JMO.