Seeking Stepmoms with Advice

See if your husband can take all the kids but the nine year old once a week so you can have time just for him. Maybe he will open up and you can start to understand his needs and he yours. Some kids I think with adhd are kids that just need more structure, and if he is underdeveloped he probably didn't get the time he needed from his mom. Since you are stepping in try not to make him seem as if he is a burden. I know some people have a hard time with step and all that, I am lucky that my step dad considered me as one of his own, I never felt as though he favored one of his kids over me, and hopefully my step brothers can say that about my mom.
Good luck and remember he wants to be loved as much as your own child wants to be loved!

I have never been a step mom but I have been a step daughter so I might be able to help a little he is probably doing it on purpose for one of two different reasons 1. He may think that you are trying to take his moms place and that bothers a child real bad try starting off as his friend and get him to accept you that way and then work your way into his life. Or 2. He could think that your trying to take his daddy away and I really amnot to sure how to adress that one except to havehis dad spend more time with him and try to reasure him that you are not taking his daddy away. Or he could just be down right mad that his mom would leave him like that in that case get him a counceler or someone to talk to that he will have to work through him self . But for sure start as his friend and stand by his side no matter what. I have adhd too and have all my life i'm 28 now with 2 kids and as a kid with adhd it was had and scarry and confusing don't be too hard on him its hard enough as it is . Remember gain his trust a friend first

J.,
It sounds like you have your hands full, for such a young person. I say Kudos to you. Raising children is the greatest thing you will ever accomplish, let alone someone else's so give yourself credit where credit is due. Be patient, seek help from your doctor and always know you are not alone. As a family you need to see a professional just to get the basic needs of your stepson and daughters mental needs met. Lots of love and support from each other will be beneficial to all your children. I know from my experience that when my husband and I show the family that we support and love each other they feel secure. Don't feel like it is a job, but more of an adventure when it comes to raising children. Don't take sides, it will get you no where. The two of you have to stand together on all family issues. Good luck you will do just fine. Believe in yourself. L.

I, too, am a step-mom and my younger step-son was also ADHD. I know how trying that can be for a young woman, as I was only 25 when I married my husband, and my son was 10. (MY four from my first marriage were 5 and under) It's not easy being a parent, and being a step-parent, no matter how sweet the kids are, is that much harder. A lot of people assume that ADHD is just an excuse for badly behaving kids, and I'll admit that until I came to know and love my son I was one of them. Back in those days, I found that I initially had very little paitence for my son, and often yelled at him out of sheer frustration, which generally meant that he reacted badly and acted out in some destructive, hyper way... from writing on the walls, shaving off his eyebrows, running maniacally throughout the house, teasing and provoking his siblings... the list goes on and on. He was on medication but often "tongued" it, meaning he pretended to take it but really did not, and was very adept at faking it! What worked best for me during that time was absolute structure. I found that if planned out the days down to the last hour that he was at our house, he responded very well. He knew in advance what to expect and what was expected of him. It was the chaos and uncertainty that he was reacting to. It's not an easy solution, and requires a lot of effort on the parts of the rest of the family, but it really worked for us. I'm not saying that it was bliss and perfection after that but things really did improve in our home after that. Also, if you haven't taken him to be evaluated, then you should do that ASAP. He may need to be taken to a developmenal specialist, and you should be able to be referred to one through your primary care physician. Until then, hang in there, sister! You are truly an amazing young lady with a generous heart.

J.,
College and raising three kids...that's a lot for someone so young. Being a step parent can be really tough at times, but also really rewarding. Take a deep breath and remember to laugh.

I would sit down and talk with your husband and make sure you are both on the same level regarding your concerns. Talk to your step son's Doctor and get a recommendation for a good child development specialist. Check with your insurance to see what it covers. The older he gets, the more difficult it will be to bring him up to speed...and the more taxing it will become on your family. The specialists can not only help your son, but can help you learn the best way to handle tough situations. Every Mom needs help sometimes.

Get plugged in to the StepFamily conference at my church. It should be good. For more info. go to
http://www.centralchristian.com/cbweekly/feature4.asp

If you can't afford the $ to attend, I'm sure they'd be willing to work if out with you if you still really wanted to go.

I have a step grandson that my husband and I had custody of when he was 6. He and I clashed very badly. I love him now, but oh man, it was bad. I took him to a children's psychologist, because I knew that part of his animosity toward me was a cry for help as well as a protection barrier. One of the best tools he gave my grandson and me was control. I felt I had absolutely no control and my grandson felt he had none. He was in a strange home, with a strange person caring for him, and worse, he was devastated by the thought of his dad being gone. I felt intruded on. I had an infant and a 2 year old at the time, and a new marriage and 15 year old step son. overwhelmed is probably a better word. so I gave my gs some control of his own person. First he picked out a spot in the house that was his spot. We made grand deal of it to make it extra special for him. He chose behind one of our recliners. then ANYTIME he felt overwhelmed he could go there. no restrictions on his spot. It worked well for the simple fact that now he had a simple, non-destructive way of expressing that he was hurting, or just overwhelmed with his surroundings. what sealed the deal, though, was one day I got angry with him for antagonizing my 2 year old(like a sibling would)and the whole scene became overwhelming for me. i quit speaking to him in the middle of what I was saying and went behind the recliner, sat down and did nothing. He then understood me. He is 8 now, almost 9, and comes to visit me with his two younger siblings 2-4 times a week. He is no longer my sg, he is my gs, and I am his gm. I lay down the law, though, at his 25 year old dad calling me mom. I hope this is helpful. Communication is a strange thing, and sometimes a person, even a little one, needs to communicate their feelings without being afraid that they will hurt yours. It gives you a sense of control over yourself and your surroundings, which is something you both have little of.

Step children can be difficult and always will be due to the fact that another parent is involved. I have been married for six years, but we have lived together for nine. I am 28 and have two boys 3 and 1. I also have an awesome stepdaughter who is ten. And i am actually closer with her than her mother. But the road wasn't easy. At first, I felt second. I was resentful at times. But first and foremost, resite this in your head: the children did not ask to be here. It is never the kids fault why you feel like its difficult. I don't mean to be harsh but accepting this fact earlier rather than later will really help your relationship with the kids. I know it has for me.