Seeking Other Mom's Advice on This Topic.

Let me get this straight ... you work full time and take care of two kids all week without your husband around to help, and he thinks you don't do enough around the house!?!?! Of course there are chores on the weekend! When else can they get done?? I'm annoyed just thinking about this. Read all the other answers. Ugh.
Why don't you go away for a week while he works at home. Let's see how much he gets done.

My husband (who has a chronic illness, so he can't do much physical labor) and I have an agreement. I clean, cook, grocery-shop, launder, and generally keep the front lawn from reverting to a jungle. He does finances and technology.

In return for this unequal division of labor, he BITCHETH NOT. I am very clear and unyielding on this. We're both perpetually exhausted, but for different reasons, and we've sort of committed to making exhausted mumbles of respect and admiration for each other as we separately drift off to sleep.

Really, housework should be paid in praise. Every sock pick up off the floor deserves a syllable.

Mine has never asked me that...for fear I would not make him dinner or wash his clothes, make the beds, do the dishes, take the children to school, care for my mom, now our aging dog, wash floors, toilets, vacuum, dust, car rides to events, hockey and let him golf. Nope he knows better.

So my advise would be to NOT do a thing. Let him see what happens when you really do nothing.

When I went back to work, I told my husband I was not going to spend weekends cleaning the house. Not going to happen. So, I hired someone to clean. She comes every Thursday. I LOVE Thursdays!!! She has been with us for 8 years.

When I was a SAHM, I would tell my husband "I would be happy to change jobs with you if you think you can do it better". That generally shut him up.

My husband travels a lot and he has people reporting to him. Sometimes when he is home he forgets I don't work for him! I told him one time "I don't work for you and you couldn't afford me if you wanted me to!" That is my way of saying "back the hell up buddy"!

If I were you, I would schedule some pampering time for yourself and let hubby be in charge.

My husband said the same thing to me.
I was flabbergasted & pissed.
I couldn't believe the gall.
So you know what I did?
I started making sure he'd see me work, clean & do laundry.
Don't tell me I don't do anything.
How does he think dinner gets done, his clothes are clean, the kitchen
is cleaned? Who in the world does he think vacuums, cleans the toilets
etc?
Just because he leaves the house, he thinks I sit home doing nothing.
As I sit here on Mamapedia, I have clothes in the wash, dinner in the slow
cooker, dishes in the dishwasher etc.
I would not argue as you have stated your peace.
I would just let him see you get some things done when he's home.
A lot of men get something in their heads & no amount of discussing it will dissuade their thinking.

Make a list.... of everything you do, all darn day and night.
Itemize it.
Then, give it to him.
And at the end of the list, say "what do you do, as a part of the home upkeep and kids upkeep?"
Once, when I was just pissed off and drained, I made such a list. And, by 11:00am, I had a list of THIRTY FOUR things... that I had done from the moment I woke up that day. I showed it to my Husband.
He was, flabbergasted. And, it made an impression on him.

I have a friend, who's Husband has LONG office hours, AND he travels constantly internationally. He is, hardly home. Not even on weekends many times.
BUT when he is home... he is right there, with the kids and her... AND he helps in the house.
Because, he knows... that she has no time off nor any time at all, to herself, at all. Because he is usually not even home.
And he participates... in the house and the rearing of the kids.
He does not see her as a "maid" in the house.

I would tell him that if he has issues with how I keep the home them he needs to man up and help. It is not your job to do all the chores, you are a family and everyone should be pitching in, husband and children included.

Hire other people to do everything-he'll start to realize what you do.

Your husband should have to be in your shoes. He isn't, so he finds fault.

You work fulltime. You take care of children. Both are hard jobs. Your husband has ONE job during the week. Think about it.

What you need to do is hire a cleaning service once a week to do the harder jobs. That way, you can keep things picked up during the week while you deal with feeding the kids and taking care of them.

Don't even ASK your husband. Just hire someone. Stand up for yourself and DON'T take his guff when he doesn't like it. He does not have a right to expect you to do it all.

You work. You make money to help him take care of your family. If he doesn't like your housekeeping, then he should pay for someone to help. Just do it.

I'm with Daisy F! ONE time he asked me what I had done that day (I used to get home about 2 hours before him and left the house about an hour after he did), so this question really asked "What were you able to accomplish in the three hours you weren't at work?" That didn't end well for him. I itemized it minute-by-minute and promptly suggested that he not ask that question again or NONE of those things would be done for him.

When my DH started to imply I did nothing, I wrote down EVERYTHING I did for several days. All the cat puke, phone calls (including his), every assisted potty break, etc. He didn't like it, because he felt it was like an employee reporting to him. I said, "How do you think I feel?"

I would also discuss with him personalities. My DH has lists of lists and a productive day is judged by how many of those get crossed off. For me, lists make me crazy. If dishes need to be done, I do them, but maybe not immediately after dinner. I figured out that what DH was really twitchy about was the coffee pot, so if I don't load the DW til 10PM, I hand wash the pot so he can have his coffee brewed in the AM automatically. Problem solved.

If he is only seeing you on the weekends, then he's not seeing all the day to day stuff you do. And, frankly, there is also a point where if it's that important to him, he can do it.

There's a cartoon out there where the Dad comes home to a disaster zone and asks what happened. The mom replies that she didn't do anything today. Basically implying that the house would go to pot if she actually didn't do the things he didn't think she did.

So maybe what you and DH need to do is get a better expectation of things around the house and for him to recognize the huge burden you face every weekday basically being a FT employee and single mother. It sounds to me like he has no idea what that really means.

Seriously, I would not even address this with my husband. I would give him a "you're being stupid" look and keep moving. If he's not there to see how it actually goes down, then he has no idea and really doesn't get to complain about it. Now, if he wants to have a discussion and ask just how things work during the week, I would engage. I think that it's fine to say sometimes, "I was busy with this, and when I reached a stopping point, I opted to put my feet up instead of clean." Sometimes when the kids are all gone to bed and you think that you might use that time to do something "constructive", it's okay to decide to just pack it in and get a decent night's rest instead. Anybody not there to see it doesn't get to criticize it. If the mess is still there, then there's future opportunity to clean it.

I am amazed and disappointed that there are so many men who think we should assume ALL the roles including maid. If a man wants his house super spotless, let him pitch in!!!

I'm not the neatest in the world but thankfully we share our chores, though I do wonder what would happen if I didn't mind the kitchen :0

I say, don't do a thing while he is away for a week and then he'll realize!

Good luck and above all, life and love first, cleaning second.

Oh wow! I can help you on this O..
I know a sure fire cure for his attitude!
You're GONE on a girls weekend---soon.
Usually only takes O. dose.

What exactly do you mean by "the comments he makes toward me?" You need to give him a look when he makes those comments that would melt the ugly words right off his tongue. Let him know that it is absolutely inappropriate for him to pass judgement on what you do around the house when he's not even there to help.

My husband never comments on the house when chores aren't done. Ever. We'd rather have time together or time with the kids than worry about whether or not the house is completely perfect. We're busy and we both work full time. He DOES smile and praise when the house is extra clean, however.

I would NEVER report to my husband about what I do around the house while he's away. You are an adult woman. It shouldn't matter if you keep the house perfect all week, or whether you let it go to pot and only clean on the weekends. You aren't his employee or a child, and you don't have to provide an account to him or feel guilty about how you decide to keep house.

If you feel like there's too much for you, and you don't want to do some of those things during the weekend, consider hiring help. Perhaps someone could come in every 2 or 3 weeks to do that particular chore.

Best,

C. Lee

I thought you were a stay at home mom. You're not and so I've edited my post.

If you're asking if you have to do chores and tasks on the week end I say definitely not. When I worked I tried to leave one week end day free of chores and planned to do something fun. And now that I'm retired I nearly always leave the entire weekend free of chores so that I can spend the time with my grandkids. I don't even do the dishes.

I can see how, when you do that, your husband might think you do nothing or very little all week. I don't understand why he wouldn't want you to spend the time with him and the kids on the weekend rather than do chores. Perhaps I'm not understanding that part of your post, either.

I would ask him why he thinks you do little around the house when he's gone and why it's important to him. I suggest that there is an issue beneath it that needs to be addressed. If he's wanting the house to be neater or certain things done then he should be helping. Have you had an in depth calm and rational conversation about what he's thinking and how the two of you can resolve this issue?

You say "it seems like he doesn't think I do much around the house." Perhaps he doesn't mean to sound that way. Some people have a poor way of wording comments so that they sound critical without them meaning them to be.

Perhaps he doesn't not feel appreciated for the work he does? I think I'd try praising him more for what he does. I'd also make a comment from time to time about how you appreciate being able to stay home with the kids and how you know it's the pits to be gone all week. Tell him you miss him. Put the focus on the good things he does and get it off what you do.

And, with him, have an agreement to spend time together as a family when he is home. That way, he'll be more involved and have more of a stake in making happy memories. Perhaps he'll spend less time focused on what you do the rest of the week.

My work away from home daughter and her husband, who have 3 children and another on the way spend one weekend day doing chores all together and one week end day doing family activities.

De:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I will assume your children are older since you have been married 15 years. Guess it's time to assign them chores.

If you work full time - hire a cleaning company to come in every week and clean the house for you. You just need to keep it picked up.

Tell him he can help too!! Just because he's only there on weekends does NOT mean he cannot help out!!!

Tell him the comments need to stop and he needs to start taking part in the family and the upkeep of the house...no excuses...I'm tired. I'm not here during the week. DO NOT pick up after him on the weekends. Let him do it. He will see that HE contributes to the mess as well.

Good luck!