You and only you knows what you can handle. You've been through this before, you acknowledge that you have bipolar disorder, and that's half the battle right there! I have dabilitating episodes of depression and anxiety, but now I'm on an anti-depressant that stabelizes me. Is there a medication that you could try that is safe for the baby and you?
I just remember how dark and painful I was at my worst. My son was 9 months old and I just hated him. He was crawling towards the stairs and was going to fall down them and I didn't care. I didn't stop him. Another time he was playing with our VCR cords and had them wrapped around his neck and I didn't care. Later I was going to take him for a walk down a bike trail that has a bridge and when I pictured us going on a walk, I pictured myself throwing him off the bridge into the river. It was horrible, horrible, horrible! I couldn't stop the bad thoughts in my head. I was hospitalized for a short time til they got my meds regulated and that made a world of difference. I remember one morning before my meds when I got into the shower and honestly, I had no idea what to do. I didn't know what I was doing in the shower. Was I supposed to shampoo first? Use the soap first? Why did I even need a shower? It was so scary. I felt like I was never going to get better.
So that was after my first son (with my daughter 7 years earlier I was fine afterwards). But then I got pregnant with my second son and my psychiatrist didn't want me to "crash" into depression and anxiety again so he put me on a pill that was pregnancy/nursing safe and I stayed on that the entire pregnancy and I'm now on it for life as long as it keeps working, and I haven't crashed at all. I'm enjoying this baby more than ever! I personally think that meds and personal counseling changed me completely for the better. I'm a mother of three, have a full time job, a part time job, a husband who has a full time job, a dog, a cat...and we are happier than ever! It's amazing how good I feel considering a year and a half ago I thought it was a huge chore to write out a check, or wash dishes, or even get dressed.
You can do this, you can get through this! If you're not feeling better quickly, get help. And if that help doesn't work, go somewhere else. I'm telling you, life can be great! Please keep me updated!!