T.B.
Dear Dr. D.,
I am an experienced (male) psychologist practicing in your community. I have helped many families over the past 25 years, often with divorce matters. My strongly felt professional opinion is that, in the cold, unemotional light of day, you really DON'T want a custody battle (though, of course, you should get the best attorney you can).
My reasoning springs from the notion that, in most family matters, the emotional and psychological welfare of the children should always be held highest, especially in a divorce. However, in almost every custody battle I have witnessed, the divorcing parents show their hatred towards each other very destructively, and end up pressuring the kids to take sides to hate the other parent.
Divorce is always damaging to children (see Judith Wallerstein's "Children of Divorce: Second Chances," a long term study of the effects of divorce), though admittedly, it is sometimes less damaging than staying together. Ideally, each parent should encourage the children to love and respect the other parent---for their own good. The more children can feel comfortable and tension-free in expressing their love for either parent, even in front of the other parent---the less conflicted the children will be in an already difficult and tension-filled situation. Again, ideally, each parent should wish the other all possible health, happiness, and success, financially and in love. For the more successful and happy each of you are, the happier your kids can be.
Like it or not, you are bound to the father of your children for the rest of your life. Both of you will attend events together (e.g., graduations, weddings, birthdays, etc.), and will be most helpful to your children if you both can eventually be polite, respectful, and even warm towards each other--a very difficult feat for many divorced parents, especially after an affair.
You should know that there is a movement among family attorneys referred to as "collaborative divorce." These attorneys are philosophically in favor of trying to reach a divorce agreement with as little damage to everyone as possible. Practitioners of this approach can be found via usual search methods (e.g., search engines, yellow pages, calling the local bar association, etc.). A custody battle can be incredibly expensive, and can place the ultimate power of decision in the hands of a judge who may not see things your way at all. Your money and energies can be better spent caring for your children and trying to control the psychological damages they inevitably will feel.
Good luck and be strong,
T. O. Bonner, Ph.D.
