Hi I am a mom of a 4 year old boy who has autism and is about to turn 5 this month. I am very worried as he is attached to his grandmother who lives in another city. Normally she comes on visits on occasions such as birthdays Christmas. Now the problem is he cries as she leaves and then will cry every single day. Seeing no solution to the problem I took him to grandmas house and traveling via train takes 2-3 hours and I abandon my husband and will go there. I seriously don't think keep going to grandmas helps me or my husband as my husband can't go with us due to his job as he's director of a college. Whenever he cries the crying spell lasts an hour or longer and FaceTime with grandma makes him more upset at times. I don't know what to do as he has communication difficulties which means he can't always understand. I don't think I can't start living at grandmas as my husband gets cross and thinks I am giving in to my sons tantrums or separation anxiety. I have only just joined this forum and would love any tips or advice on how to deal with this problem as my son is in tears daily. My mom just went back after a visit few days ago and he is crying every day. He says want to see grandma and I am so depressed as explaining doesn't work and he misses her badly. I tell him she's coming in a few days which actually won't be which a few weeks. What can I do should I go and visit her for a week but then this will go on and on. He wants her everyday. She used to live with us but moved to another city as she found her long lost family. What shall I do it's complicated and I can't bear my son keep crying for her.
I am already trying things such as holding him and using simple communication tools and pictures to help him understand his grandma is far away and will always visit him. Next visit is on his birthday end of this month. I keep reassuring him that she will see him and he can go occasionally but not yet. I usually take him to the park nearby and an indoor play area however he is lonely and no friends. I think his grandma is like a motherly figure or a friend but I agree these tantrums have to be dealt with.
Diversion techniques are playing with him so he doesn't get lonely as he has no friends due to significant speech and developmental delay he has. Usual tactics don't work however I have enjoyed reading all your suggestions and many of them make sense. Thanks for your support moms.
I have seeked advice from the paediatric consultant and as my son is about to attend a special school which is specifically for children with Autism, she has suggested that going to school and making friends will help him in the future and to distract him before he reaches a tearful state. It's pretty normal for autistic children to become anxious and depressed due to lack of expression and unable to communicate. My son can only use simple sentences and mostly single words. He is unresponsive to many questions asked from him due to speech delay. I usually use pictures and visual time tables to support him with his understanding of things. Further suggestions are welcome as I need all the support I can get.
Unfortunately, the pattern has been set. He cries and you give him what he wants at the cost to the rest if family this has nothing to do with autism. It has to do with parenting. FaceTime and Skype is not a good idea. He does not get it. He has to learn he cannot have what he wants every time. If he cries, just explain that she lives far away and you cannot go. Just be consistent. Yes he will cry, so be it. You are the parent.
Kids with autism are very cause and effect. I am sure he misses his grandma but you have taught him have a fit and I get to go see grandma. He probably likes the trip, grandma, spending time with you, but make no mistake, you are giving in to his tantrum.
It isn't a tantrum like a two year old exactly. He isn't doing it to be disobedient. He just knows, I do this and I get a trip to grandma.
I would suggest you plan a trip to grandma's house in the near future. Get a calendar, put it on the calendar. Ask him how many days, what do you plan to do on the trip, but if he has a fit you refer to the calendar as to when you are going.
They thrive on structure, on cause and effect. Give him structure instead of cause and effect and you will find the fits stop.
I am not pulling this out my rear, I have a 15 year old with autism. He does great now. I wish when he was younger someone would have explained to me the difference between my son's tantrums and a normal one. O well, and moving on.
Wild Woman - Skype is the same as FaceTime.
I agree with Julie's assessment about structure and planning. Honestly, though, that's what should be done with a kid who doesn't have autism, too. It's just basic parenting - reward a tantrum and you establish a new habit. You're not teaching him how to behave, he's teaching you. I get the sense that you are not of this culture and I suspect you are far from your own, or at least dealing with behaviors that are hidden and not addressed openly in your own culture. There are many basic parenting books that will address these issues - I would be sure to start reading, and keep reading - issues change as they age, and the autism throws in an extra sizzle and reading list.
Just an extra question - if she's only 2-3 hours away, why does she visit so infrequently?
Welcome to mamapedia.
You need counseling and professional help. You need to learn how to deal with your son and your emotions.
Try Skype. He can see her and talk to her every day and there's no 2 to 3 hour travel time. It's instant.
first off, i'd quit face-timing. it's just bringing it up all over for him, and what he needs is a clean break.
i'm sure the autism makes it much harder for him (and you), poor little guy, but this isn't an autism issue, it's a parenting issue. he has tantrums and cries for grandma for an hour, so you take 3 hours and travel to visit her?
what this little boy needs is a strong, calm, mom who has both sympathy and good boundaries, who can say to him in a quiet voice 'i know you miss grandma. she loves you very much. crying will not bring her here. do you need a hug? no? then please sit over there and cry, and when you're finished we'll read 'hop on pop' together (or go to the park or some other pleasant distraction.)'
but not until he's done howling.
then let him go. he needs to both feel what he feels, and to understand that expressing it is okay but won't get him his own way.
i can't quite wrap my head around taking a little fellow on hours-long train trips every day, nor being willing to 'abandon' (and how dramatic is that?) my husband every day to accommodate tantrums.
you need to learn to 'bear' your son crying if you don't want to rearrange your life to ridiculous degrees to avoid your own discomfort.
khairete
S.
what coping mechanisms do you have in place in your home? You need to get some backbone mama. Your son is using his tantrums to get his way. You cannot allow this to go on much longer.
Stop doing the facetime with her. Do not give in to his antics. I don't have autistic children. It would seem that they need rules just like any other child. Keep the conversation simple. I don't know how you discipline him and missing his grandmother doesn't require discipline, it needs acknowledgement that you hear what he is saying but he will not get his way.
Talk with your doctor. Find out what tools you need to help your son.
I agree that this is not just an Autism thing. This is about kids learning how to cope. Of course your son misses Grandma. Grandmas are great! They are loving and kind and often spoil you :-)
Try pulling your son into your lap, putting your arms around him or stroking his hair and say, "You really miss Grandma, don't you? You wish Grandma were still here. It's so nice when Grandma is here. She's really fun to be with." Talk about some of his favorite things about Grandma. Just keep talking to him about the thing that show you understand and the things about being with Grandma that he really loves. As this conversation unfolds, you can gradually focus more on the fun things and less on Grandma. You can even talk about the two of you doing some of those things together, even if Grandma isn't there.
Yes he misses Grandma, but what he needs from you is to help him identify those feelings and to help him learn how to be ok even though he has those feelings.
A really good book to read is Harvey Karp's "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." I have his DVD, and it is very, very helpful in learning how to help our kids with this kinds of disappointments. And don't worry about the fact that he focuses on toddlers. Many of his tips work well into the grade school years.
I can imagine how hard this is. Is there any way mom can move to your area? If she has a life she loves and is happy where she is then that would be too hard I guess.
First, stop using fatalistic, dramatic language.
When you visit your mother you're not "abandoning" your husband. He's an adult who can fend for himself unless he's disabled as well and you're his sole caregiver and act as his PCA.
The visits there and the visits in your home ARE GOOD for your child. But don't visit any more or less than you normally would. Aside from that: They are in fact helping him. It's ok for him to cry sometimes. He feels things deeply, and if he has delays then it would make sense that he might stim on something longer than you expect but not for nothing... a lot of children that visit with their grandparents whom they love dearly and then end a visit with them will miss their grandparents (and other loved ones) and cry sometimes for days.
I have three daughters. One is autistic. Been there, done that, not only wearing the t-shirt but I've got one in every size.
Establish parenting rules and stick to them. Crying should not be a fear-motivator for you. Your goal is not to keep your child from getting upset. It's to raise an adult.
