Seeking Moms Help!!!! - Turlock,CA

Just sit back when she is ready she will so don't get frustrated all kids do this, all 6 of my kids would do things like that not do something at home for me but would go to day care or at family house they make you look like a lier but don't worry you are not doing anything wrong she will do it at her time when she is ready. Just look at it like this it is the start to many more times that she will NOT do what you ask her, tell her, or want her to do.Good Luck
Cathie

My daughter was hard for me to potty train, she was almost 3 and I swore I would have her potty trained by her 3rd Birthday and I did it, heres how. I went to the dollar store and baught a bunch of little things, I wrapped them and put them in a basket on the back of the toilet. I told her that I would let her pick a girft everytime she went to the bathroom, but she had to actually go to the bathroom, not just sit there. Within 3 days she was fully potty trained and done with diapers, even through the night. After she had the potty thing down, I didn't have to keep up the girfts anymore. Well Good luck to you!

Hi,

My daughter was afraid to go to the bathroom on the big toliet. I put her on the toliet backwards so her legs could wrap around the toliet and told her to ride it like a horsey.
She like flushing the toliet and going to the toliet. When she gt use to going to the bathroom on the toliet you can then teach her the correct way to sit on the toliet. Do not ask her does she have to go to the bathroom because she will tell you no. Just tell her you are going to go to the toliet and you sit down and act like you are using the toliet and then put her on the toliet. This worked for my daughter. I hope it can work for you. D.

Hi J.,
I'm unsure if this is something that would appeal to you but, it worked with all 3 of my kids. My Mom let us borrow her Gum Ball Machine, it was a reproduction of an antique one.
Every time one of my kids went to the bathroom on the toliet they were give a nickel to put in the Gum Ball Machine. It worked like a charm, I was amazed at the sucess. Good-luck!

I would suggest the book "Potty Free Before 3" you can get it from the library. We are potty-training our 2-year-old and she is doing very well, 1 or 2 accidents a day. We still use the pull-ups at night b/c when we didn't she woke up wet a few times a night and we were all too exhausted. We're trying to limit the liquid after 5:00, which is tough b/c she still likes to take a bottle to bed.

We use princess underwear like the "big girls" at preschool, and she likes them. We put vinyl covers over them, and sometimes wear cloth-lined vinyl pants without a cover. We invested in lots of dresses, socks and rubber garden clogs to make the cleanup easier.

I know the Potty Free Before 3 book advises against incentive systems, and to eliminate diapers and pull-ups comepletely for older kids, making it clear that going to the bathroom is completely routine. Go especially first thing in the morning, right before bed, and then time it according to your observations of her regular timing. Sometimes our daughter cries and refuses to sit, we give her books or a favorite toy and that will sometimes help. Running faucets in the sink can help. Some days nothing works, and she won't go when we ask her, but will go on her own shortly afterward.

We bought Dappi vinyl covers, training pants at http://www.babybestbuy.com/early-trainer-vinyl-training-p...
they shipped right away and we're enjoying them.

Good luck!

Hi J.,

What about creating a reward system with stickers/charts etc. Children really respond well to positive praise and encouragement-- also, find out what the daycare is doing there and see how you could help implement this at home. Talk to you daughter and ask her why she wants to go at daycare but not at home, see if maybe she is afraid of something that you have at home. Get her involved in creating a reward system. Some parents use M & Ms for going to the potty or stickers, reading a book on the toilet etc. Good luck to you and I hope this helps.

Molly

J.,
My guess is that she is enjoying the control she feels she has knowing that she is not doing something you want her to do (our son did that) and that she either doesn't get a reaction from day care for not using the toilet or she feels peer pressure at day care to use the toilet in front of her friends. I'm not sure from your question if she is using a potty at home but just not the toilet. If so, is it possible that the toilet at day care is much smaller and/or lower to the ground? That could be the issue, too. Using a seat that goes on top of the toilet to make the opening smaller and a step stool for under her feet might help if you haven't already tried this. You might just be engaged in a power struggle, though, as we were (unknowingly until it was too late!). Kids that age look for anything in their environment they can control. If she thinks she has found something, you might want to try backing off the toilet thing at home for a few months (that's what we had to do), and then reintroduce it w/ a reward system and a really low-key attitude. We used a sticker chart with small rewards (e.g., socks w/ monkeys on them -- our son loves monkeys) for the first success w/ the toilet, then for getting stickers in a certain number of boxes in a row on the chart, etc. You can even have "prizes" visible from the toilet but out of reach as a frequent reminder of why she might want to try the toilet. Just knowing there is something you cannot have can be an amazing motivator! If she feels like she's choosing whether to use the toilet and get these prizes, she might not feel like it's a power struggle. Agaim, though, I think having a few months' "cooling off period" is very helpful. Kids can be pretty savvy. If she's using the toilet at day care because of peer pressure, you might want to arrange a few playdates at your place. I hope some of this helps!
K.

My son wasn't potty trained until his 3rd summer. We kept his clothes off of him. It was summer so it was warm and he basically went naked all summer. He wouldn't go without a diaper except on the toilet although we occassionally found "land mines" in the back yard. The difficulty was getting clothes back on him when he had to go to pre-school in September. He's never had an accident. He's 15 now and he hates shoes but he sure loves his designer clothes (we're plain middle class and can barely aford him, in so many ways). Perhaps a bit non-conformist but it worked for us. And, we didn't stress about it. He will eventually get the idea from his peers. Peer pressure comes quite early.

Good luck. The things I was most afraid of was potty training and teaching him how to tie his shoes. He is now quite adept at both.

We used stickers and M&M's to praise our daughter when she used the potty. After she got use to going on the potty we got rid of the diaper and used training pants. She doesn't like the feeling of being wet. After she got the hang of it, we realized she was easily distracted and would have accidents, so we started setting a timer as a reminder for her and us. That works great, as soon as she hears the timer beep she goes into the bathroom. After she uses the potty even if she can't go we reward her. (at least she tried to go)
Good luck

I know this is easy for *me* to say, since I'm not the one buying diapers or cleaning up poop, but I think the best thing to do is to stop stressing. This is not uncommon.
First of all, she is very young. She has learned how to be a "big girl" at daycare, but when she gets home she probably heaves a sigh of relief and enjoys being your baby again. She needs this! She will only be little for a short time.
If you relax and stop communicating your frustration to her, she will just get to the point where using the toilet is easier, and feels more normal, than not.
On the other hand, since she is able to control her bowel and bladder functions, I would have her clean herself up when she has an accident. I know it's easier for you to do it yourself, but it should be her responsibility. Stick with this even if she complains. Wait for her to get over her tiff (if she has one) and keep explaining she has to do it. (this takes a lot of strength, but stick with it)
Find another way to baby her, so she feels fulfilled, and let her work this out for herself.
PS Do not resort to using any kinds of rewards or bribes to get her to go. Having clean undies is its own reward. Perhaps if you have already tried behaviorism, this is what is backfiring. I know a 4 year old right now who keeps asking for strawberry candy every time he pees, even though he is completely potty trained. He goes to the bathroom every time he wants some candy (instead of the other way around). Giving rewards can only lead to manipulative behavior on the part of children, because that is what you are modeling to them!
Good luck!

I'm having the same problem and am looking forward to hearing your responses. The bribes of candy and toy treats are not working.

Hi J.!

First off, she's still young, and normally NOT potty perfect. Be proud of her for her young accomplishments so far.

It sounds like she's ready to be potty perfect, though, if she's successful at daycare all day.

I would "break" her potty, when she's not looking :o) When she comes home from daycare, you can show her that you "accidentally" stepped on it and now it doesn't work!!! Tell her how sorry you are, but you're proud of her for knowing how to use the big potty now and she'll be "OK", etc...

I think she'll be using the big potty in no time at all. She's just normal, and feels more comfortable at home being "little". At daycare, they have to teach the kids to "be big" because they can't handle a bunch of "babies", they need the older kids to be self-sufficient to be functional throughout the day at daycare. Plus, daycare's usually help us at home develope better habits. I remember, my boys wouldn't eat vegetable at home, but ate most all of them at "school" without any trouble at all!

Your daughter is normal, and will come around soon. Don't be too hard on her. Most kids are not that far along in their potty training yet....especially boys :o)

I had this BIG HUGE cheer that I did when my boys were successful with the potty. It would be this "pick them up thing with LOTS of swinging them around"...it focused the LOVE on their success instead of the anger on their not-so-success.

Good Luck!

:o) N.

There are potty books for you to read to your child, which might encourage her to use the toilet at home. Other things that might help is a potty chart with stickers, and may be a "grand prize" such as a toy, dinner at her favorite restaurant, or a special day at the park when she uses the potty for an entire week. Let her know about these goals, and see what happens, but most importantly, stick to one method and don't flip-flop from one idea to another. Stick to one plan for at least one month, and if that does not work, try a differant method.

Good Luck!

M. *~

J.,
What ever you do, do not keep diapers or pull ups in the house. Our oldest used to go put one on herself so that she could go without having to use the bathroom. I stopped buying them and she did not have any other choice except to used the bathroom, because she did not want it in her underwear.

3 year olds don't have control over much, but they can control what they eat and when they go to the bathroom. Sounds like it is a control issue since she is using the toilet at daycare. I would suggest backing off the whole issue for a couple of weeks, and let it be her idea to use the potty. The more you push it, the more she will try to assert control. It can make her sick if she starts witholding her bowel movements which could happen if you force her to use the toilet. I had a friend who did this and her daughter (also 3) ended up throwing up because she was so constipated. Then she couldn't get it out because it was so hard and impacted from witholding that it was incredibly painful for her. This became a vicious cycle with them and when they finally allowed her to go back to pull-ups for a couple of months, she decided on her own to use the potty and hasn't looked back since. I would also find out at daycare what type of potty they are using. Is it a small regular toilet, a potty chair, or full size toilet with seat insert? Big toilets are frightening to some children. Also at daycare there is tremendous peer pressure to use the potty. They generally line the kids up and take them together, so even the younger ones are doing it just by copying the older ones. Maybe you could have a potty trained friend or two come over, and have everyone use the potty together like they do at school. After you back off for a couple of weeks, I would ask her if she wants to use the potty, if she says no, tell her it is her choice. I know with my son, once he found out he had to use the potty to go to preschool, he was trained in two days, so for him, it was just finding the proper motivation. Is there something that she really wants? You may be able to use that to tempt her into using it. Again though, I would let her take the lead. If it turns into a power struggle, she will win, since you can't physically make a kid go on the toilet. Good luck and lots of patience to you.

I have a three year old with the opposite problem. She won't go at school and for certain babysitters, including her grandma. I am thinking for you it may be a way to get your attention. Maybe act like it doesn't bother you (on a day where you have time to wait) and make her go on her own. I did that with my little one but explained if she had an accident that she would go in a time out.

I had a similar experience but with my son. He was almost four years old and he did not want to go to the bathroom at home. He would go at the babysitters and also at my moms but he wouldn't do it at home. I tried having him in his underwear to see if it would prompt him, bribery and even having him running around with no underwear and he didn't seem to care. I think that he found it to be a way of controlling me since he got so much attention for that and it could be what your daughter is doing to you.

Eventually he went on his own without me having to say anything or doing anything. The only thing I can say is to be patient and when she is ready she will go on her own without you even having to say a word.

Good luck

J.,

I know how frustrating this can be. Our 3 1/2 year old has been potty trained for over a year now and still has "accidents" at home when she is just too focused on her play and "forgets" to go potty. She also always asks for me or her Dad to take her to the potty and to wipe her also; she does this on her own while at daycare all day long.

As frustrating as it is, I have read and have been told that the emotional aspect of toilet training can impact a child for many years. It's very delicate. They want so much to be independent, but they also don't want to grow up yet.

Does she have a younger sibling or one on the way? Sometimes this can be a struggle with you out of frustration at not having your attention. Even negative attention is attention, so sometimes kids just do whatever it takes.

With our daughter. I really tired of picking her up and putting her on the potty kicking and screaming, so we turned it into a game.

"OK, you say you don't need to go potty, but I think you do. Who's right, you or mommy?" Let's just sit on the potty and see who's right." She goes for this. When she pees, she yells, "Mom, you were right!"

Maybe try to make it fun so that it's less stressful for you and for your daughter.

Hang in there. I know it's tough.

Good luck!

M.

If you have not already take her to help you pick out the potty for her. They have Blues Clues etc. and that may encourage her. You have to remember the potty's at day care are usually a lot lower to the ground and much easier than our regular bathroom toilets. Our neighbor made his daughter a potty out of wood with a magazine rack etc. and put a plastic potty seat on top and he passed it down to my son and we painted and decorated it and he was potty trained in about two weeks. But mind you, he was 3 1/2 and I never put pressure on him. Good luck!

Don't make a big deal of it...remember it is not about you, but her. When she is ready she will go to the bathroom at home, in the meantime, love her and above all else, there is nothing wrong with her - this is something she will do at her own pace...

If she is 3 and using the toilet other places...by all means bribe her to do it at home. Some new stickers kept in the bathroom and only if she uses the potty, heck I've even offered M & M's. Pretty soon she'll go on her own when she needs to and you won't have to give a prize. You could also do a chart and if she uses that potty at home for a week you can have a big prize at the end. A new my little pony or whatever she is in to. Rewards work wonders at this age :)

I do daycare and most of the kids use the potty while they are here but some don't use it yet at home. The only thing I can think of is that it is more of a social/fun thing while at daycare because they all sit on their little potty chairs talking and giggling with each other. Maybe going potty at home isn't as fun or something. The good news is that all of them eventually start going at home too. Find out how your daughter's daycare provider does potty training. Ask her if she reminds your daughter every hour or if she gets stickers when she goes (or just whatever she may be doing differently). Three is the average age to potty train which means some kids are done much earlier and some much later. If it becomes stressful or she senses any disappointment while at home she may not want to deal with it and wont potty train as quick. I hope this was helpful!

Best Wishes.

My 3 y.o. son had the same problem. We would do everything we could to get him to go at home. There were a couple of times that we would sit him on the toilet for 45 min with no success. Then, one day he came to me and said it was time to wear underwear. He has been dry ever since.

I think that it may be hard for your daughter because she does not have any peers at home. I also think that maybe you should let her be wet for a while (making sure she doesn't sit on the furniture or carpet). Also, you could try taking her to the bathroom at home every hour on the hour until she does it on her own.

Remember that some kids take longer than others and this will pass.

D.

After potty training two children I can tell you that it was probably the most stressful part of parenting so far: So my advice: 1-Be happy she uses the potty at daycare. 2-Remember she most likely will not go to kindergarten in diapers. She will eventually work it out. If you make it a big deal you're just going to cause frustration for yourself and her. She will complete the transition when she's ready. Believe me. With the first one I was driving us both crazy because of pressure from everywhere that she should be trained by 3. With the second I remembered it is a process and was more relaxed about it. What happened? They both took the same amount of time to train, but the second one was a much better experience. Don't worry. It will happen. Don't listen to people who imply there's something wrong with your daughter because she's not done training. Every child is different and they all end up pretty much in the same place by school age.

As others have said, first, don't stress. My son was almost 4 when he was trained. My pediatrician told me that potty training has a lot to do with physiology. Kids are unable to grasp the entire concept and control until their two frontal lobes competely fuse and this can happen anywhere from 2 years to 4 years old. Also, daycare might have her on a potty schedule and she may not be going on her own there - check with them. The one advantage to letting them do it in their own time is usually no or very few accidents.