Seeking Moms and Grandmoms

If he is on medicaiton then why isn't his behavior better? I have adult ADD and the medication just doesn't help. Please seek some sort of alternative treatment. Those drugs are evil. I actally had to withdraw from them. He will be much better off if he can learn how to deal with this on his own. Just ignore other people they don't understand. He won't be like that forever. He will probably always be hyper like me. I still can't read and comprehend well and I am 33 years old but I get by. I finished college and all of the normal things peole do.

First of all, make sure he doesn't have something else going on. My son has ADHD and other odd behaviors.He is 17 now and we found out a year or so ago that he has Aspergers. There is a book called "Look Me in the Eye" that explains a man's life with Asperger's. You can find info on the internet as well. We adopted our children and they both have special needs. My family has also had "problems" accepting their behaviors. All I ask is that they love them as they would any other member of the family, but you can't change or make people feel a certain way. You just have to pray God will help them "see" them with His eyes and "love" them with His heart...

I would say that I am sorry for your grandson having this "disability" as it has been called but in fact I can't. I am the mother of a 10 year-old boy with ADHD and I have found that even though it is very hard to deal with the way he acts sometimes, that these children are actually very special. Not that any child is not special but children with ADD/ADHD tend to be VERY smart and ultra sensitive so the degrading remarks that others make and they hear are very destructive to them. My mother-in-law (as well as others) spend most of their time yelling and telling him what he is doing wrong instead of focusing on what he is doing right. It not only breaks his heart but it breaks his spirit when he hears what alot of people have to say about him, including teachers of all others. What I hate even more is when people make the snap judgment that he is a bad child when I know that he is a great child that battles this condition daiy. I could go on for days and days on this issue but to answer the question of what to do or rather what would I do....I would confront them. I would let them know that you are uncomfortable with the way that they deal with him and that they need to think of his feelings before they speak. Did they ever think that part of the reason he "acts out" around them is because he knows the way they feel?

It said that you are from my area, if you would like you could email me and I could talk to you more. Im sure alot of people will have their own opinions on how to deal with children with this condition but you just have to follow your heart and remember that he doesnt choose to be like this. Alot of people will say not to baby them, or you need to be strict with them when in reality it is the opposite. Sorry if this didnt help, it is just hard to sum everything up without writing a book :)

I wish you and your grandson well.

Some of the other answers I see here are not really to the point of the problem. You can't blame others for this childs issues. You have to be tough with yourself and your child in a loving way! The only thing that has helped my 13 year old son with attention deficit disorder & aspergers (he has a high intelligence, but with slight autism, does not look people in the eye etc) is very strict discipline, a stern lecture from an adult male which is not done in a mean way but directly to the point. One should read the book 'Child Training Tips'. You don't get mad and call them names when they act up, you just have to be practical, to the point and not attack them but be utterly reasonable and explain why they should not act the way they do. The behaviors can improve, the child is capable of developing a conscience about his behaviors but you have to go about it the right way or you just worsen the situation. And a belt to the rear end in extreme cases is a good thing, if the child is way out of control. If you don't discipline it means you don't care about them, right? That is what is wrong with todays kids, NO strong parental influence just a bunch of wishy washy people afraid to discipline. This is a matter of whether my child will make it in life or end up in a group home, or a punk on the streets for heaven's sake!!

Well M.- thank goodness that he has you to protect him. You are a very good Nana to be concerned for his feelings. My son has ADD, and I would hope that all of the adults that are around him are appreciative of his gifts and talents and not just pointing our all the "bad" stuff. I am always with my son, so I can make sure. I can suggest that you speak to the other adults that are "mean" to him and advise them that good begets good. If they wish to see positive behavior from your grandson, they will have to encourage it by being positive to him themselves. Also, children like this do not learn anything if they aren't interested or "bought in"- so if the fam is acting like they are dissappointed in him- he will totally live up to it. The best thing I ever did for my son, was to change MY attitude. He has slowly seen that I am so proud of what HE CAN do that the other stuff doesn't matter. This was not always the case. I was busy trying to make him like everybody else and now I celebrate his individuality and I am SO HAPPY, so is he. Also, perhaps when you know there there is a potential of the wild behavior, ask him to do something that he truly loves to occupy him. AND last but not least- I can only assume that the Mom in this situation must totally trust the other adults to support her and him by loving and respecting and helping her child- if that is not the case then I would totally tell her about the misperception. It takes 1000 "way to go's" to counter act or erase 1 "what's wrong with him's?" so either help those folks see that OR don't let him around them anymore.

Blessings to you all,

K.

First of all, if he can behave better at home, then he should also be expected to do "his best" away from home. No child should be allowed to "run wild" in public or others' homes. His best may not be the same as the next child's, but it should still be required of him.

Second, have you tried to "educate" the others about his situation? They might be more tolerant if they understand, and they might be more tolerant if his mother doesn't allow him to run wild around them. If they still can't be compassionate and patient, maybe he doesn't need to be around them? Of course, I realize that's easier said than done b/c it might limit family gatherings. etc.

ADD is a hard thing to deal with and a tough topic amongst other people. I'm a school teacher, so I see the effects of ADD in the classroom. First, is your grandchild on medication for ADD? That may be a step in helping him out. I definitely think that medication can be over prescribed for ADD, but there are some children that really, really benefit from it. When ADD begins to effect a child's learning, medication is beneficial.

Second, having ADD is something this child is going to have to learn to cope with. It sounds like he already has learned that people use his ADD as an excuse for his behavior. Children are very smart and know exactly what they can/can't get away with. Setting firm rules and consequences will help. With ADD, there are some things that a child can't help. Take a look at the situations in this child's life. He probably can sit through a 2 hour movie or become absorbed in video games for a time period - henceforth, he should be able to behave for outings to. He's not going to sit perfectly still, he'll probably still be very active if he's sitting, but there's no excuse for inappropriate behavior.

The sooner your grandson learns how to cope with ADD, the better off he'll be. This is something he'll have to deal with for the rest of his life. Hopefully this will help. Wishing you and your family the best.

The environment your child is in will be of the utmost importance in healing. Is it a calm, harmonious environmnet? Or typical American Stress? Does he have an outlet for his energy and creativity?

Natural environments can be very healing. Get into nature, hike, climb rocks...whatever is near you, even lots of time in a yard can help.

Last Child Left in the Woods is a good book about the imbalances we are creating in children because of the disconnection from nature

J.

I have a granddaughter, now 16, that is ADHD. When elementary age, she was more ADD, impulsive but not hyperactive. Once puberty kicked in, she got more agressive and moody. Like puberty wasn't enough!

He sounds a bit more than ADD, more like ADHD. If his medication is the correct dose, I would concentrate on his diet. Cut out additives as much as possible; make sure sugar, lactose, and other things like dye are not triggers. He needs lots of exercise, and try to focus on his strengths. Observe what kinds of situations increase his symptoms and try to work on those. If he is not homeschooled, how do the schools deal with him? If they help, find out what methods they are using. If not, do the opposite :-) You are right about patience; nothing about this is easy.

As a grandparent, you can love him, be firm and consistent, help him to take responsibility for his actions. Encourage him, be patient with him. If others in the family come down on him, help him to understand what their issue is. And let the adults know that you expect them to help the kid, not just holler at him. God gave him to your family for a reason and they need to be a part of the solution, not an aggravation. As for the hurt, he is going to have to learn to control himself as much as possible. That, grandma, is a gift you can give him.

I don't have any kids with ADD but know a couple of kids with a mild case. My only advise to you is to give the parents a break, parents can deal with tantrums and episodes easier when they are not as tired and stressed. As for other people, I would tell them that some kids need a little more patients, love and caring than others, if they can't understand that they don't need to be around him and cause him more problems.
Good luck, your grandson is lucky to have you.
A.

M.,
Sound like your grandson may have Asperger's syndrome. It is on the autuism spectrum. He needs to be evaluated by a neuro-psychiatrist or psychologist who specializes in psycho-education assessment. His mother can request that his school evaluate him. My son had that same difficulty with looking adults in the eyes (he also has trust issues with adults). He has ADHD and a neuro-psychatrist said that he felt he was borderline Aspergers. Check out the website below:

http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/artic/ninds_asperger_syndro...

I am so happy that your grandson has you on his side. Just continue to educate yourself and those around your grandson and help them to accept him as he is.

Good luck to you,
A.

I suspect your grandson is highly functional autistic instead of ADD. This is a common misdiagnosis. Many thought my son was ADD when he was younger, but we finally got a diagnosis of highly funtional autism from a very observant psychiatrist when he was around 10 years old.

The 'not looking people in the eye thing' is what makes me think of autism. Some autistic people who are able to talk about their condition say they can look at you or listen, but they can't do both at the same time. My son has trouble with this too.

Perhaps if his mom was able to get a correct diagnosis, if it is indeed autism, the relatives would be more understanding of a child with that condition. But then again, maybe not.

As I mentioned, my son used to be thought of as ADD but now is considered hfa (he is 16 now). So, I thought I would mention one other factor that made a big difference for us. My son gets hyper from red food coloring. We figured this out at the age of 2 and have avoided it as best we could since then. On rare occasion he gets red food coloring at school and it still affects him, he gets more emotional and wild and cannot control himself. I have been surprised to run into other parents who said they have discovered the same thing with their child. You might mention this to his mom and she might want to consider eliminating all food coloring and additives from his diet. Studies have shown that it does help with ADHD symptoms.

I am guessing that his mom is exhausted from keeping him in control at home and lets him run wild at other places because she needs a break. Maybe you could ask her advice on how to structure things at your house when he is visiting so he won't run so wild. Maybe if you help her out when he is visiting, together you can get more control and the other relatives won't get as irritated with him.

Good luck and you are a great grandmother.

My child who is now 20yrs is ADHD. We learned that we had to be tough with him. People considered us strict parents. Well worth it. Even if a child is ADD you cant let them run wild or be out of control. Yes we had a lot of people who thought we were bad parents and that our child was a bad kid. We stuck to our plans and it worked. Discipline is a key factor. I live by Proverbs. Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Good for you. You are probably a wonderful influence in his life right now and in Mom and Dad's too. Unfortunately it sounds like Mom may be taking advantage by letting him 'run wild' at times however. But such is life. I've seen it all too often in all types of children.

Getting others to understand however, good luck. You are doing all you can do already by setting your excellent example and talking to them and educating them about his condition when you get a chance- when they are open to actually really listening.

My 17 yr old is ADD (with autism) and adults and his peers will be pretty cruel. Not being able to look someone is their eyes is part of the disability - so to ask your grandson to do this all the time would be like asking a person stuck in a wheelchair to "get up and walk".

Educate your family about his disability - either through articles or your intervention.

Keep giving him a "special" place at Nana's. Love and understanding are the best medicine of all (for everyone).

God Bless and keep being such a wonderful person.

ADD is a very hard thing to deal with. My own children do not have it but my brother dealt with it all his lifee and I have worked ith many children who have it. I am sorry your family is being so unsupportive. I do think it is important to point out that ADD children can control their behaviour it is just more difficult for them. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen inworking with ADD children is whe a parent just says well they can't comtrol themselves and lets them do whatever they want. An add child still needs to learn that actions have consequences and still should be disciplined. Anyway, now one the other hand they cannot help te fact that they hve alot of energy and sitting still can be hard for them as can concetrating. Often times giving them something to do with their hands can help them to focus because their hands are busy so they feel busy. Many times in the classroom we have used stress ball and other things to keep an ADD child busy while he is still sitting still and listening. Kind of depends on the situation as far as how to handle it but you are so right to be upset over them degrading him. I mean that is not helping anyone. Think abot the places mom is letting him run wild. Is it hurting anything for him to run wild or just annoying some nonunderstanding people. Anyway, no suggestions on how to deal with them adults who are not willing to be understanding. But be patient and understand taht when his great grandparents were growing up and even having children add was simply not diagnosed and so they probably think its a big bunch of bologney that lets child run wild without consequences. My suggestions based on experience working with add friends and growig up with and add brother is show him lots of love and make sure you paise him to make up as much as possible for their degrading comments. But also set rules and expect him to follow them . Be understanding when it is hard for him but be firm in your punishment too. He must learn that he still must follow the rules regardless of his add.

As other people have mentioned, "not looking you in the eyes" is an autistic characteristic. People can have all different variations and combination of disorders. Urge your daughter to use all the resources available to her for diagnosis, treatments, and education.
I hate to hear that significant adults are not accepting of your grandson's situation. There are many reasons they may not face the situation - pride, ignorance, shame, fear, etc. You can attempt to educate them about the problem and then ask them please to accept him the way he is, and if they really want to help follow your and your daughter's advice.

hello I know what you mean i have been dealing with my child with ADDHA for many year it is a procress but we must keep pressing. do you have a CBS worker for the child? that could help a lot and take much off of the family also. There may be time that we as moms and grandmoms we have to protect our kids to the fullest. I would start by talking with the aduot displaying the neg. and go from there. if you need please feel free to email me at ____@____.com

smileeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee things will get better i will help u through this God bless S.

I must deal with simmilar cercomstances people dont seam to understand that thease children have fealings to.it drives me crazy my 13 year old has ADD and my 9 year old has seveare autism.my daughter is constantly yelled at as if shes ignorant or somthing but usually knows what shes saying they just dont listen.my son is a escape artist he loves to go out side but becouse he is nonverbal and sneeks out of the house we now have to keep our door locked with a deadbolt that uses a key inside and out.plus we must go to court becouse they feal its abuce or neglect but he is just good with locks.I realize its dangerious for him to be unatended but we cant stay awake 24/7 and i'm an emotional basket case becouse its easy to say do this or dont do that but they should have to walk a mile in our shoes,or our childrens for that matter before they pass judgement.I am tired of people looking down there nose at me and my children thease special children are a hand full but also a blessing we couldnt do without. God put them here for a purpose and they need love and respect and understanding more than anything they are not secound rate citizens.I love all three or my special needs children and I will fight anyone I must for them to be treated right.

i totally undersyand!! i have a 6yr old w/ Autism, and if people around us are not aware that he is autistic and the synptoms/behaviors they are very judgemental/condescending. ADD is on the "Autism" spectrum, and the lack of eye contact is one of the most common symptoms of autism. Sociallizing approprately is something that has to be taught over and ovef and over..... again because mostly that is not something that occurs to children w/ autism , but with therapy/intervention/patience, there is hope Please encourage your son/daughter to research/ persue help for your grandson, like i said it can get better and it helps for others to be more understanding if they know all the facts of his condition

R. - sahm of three, one autistic, one w/ Aspbergers

Dear M.,

My oldest daughter with ADHD was 10 when I learned of the Feingold program (www.Feingold.org). The reason your grandson has ADD is because the food companies can make our foods cheaper (thus a larger profit for them) by using chemicals to preserve, color and flavor our foods instead of actually using real food ingredients. Feingold is a NON-PROFIT association whose sole purpose is to inform the public about these artificial ingredients and what effect they have on our poor children. Feingold was a Godsend for our family and I'll be forever thankful. Best wishes.

L. B.