Seeking Information/self Help to Transition into New Marriage with Children

I would go to premarital counselling so that you can both learn the things that are going to help make this marraige a success! Congratulations to all of you!

Its your 10 yo that will need the most help and support with this. Just google "blended families" and tons of articles come up. Its the kids that have the hardest time adjusting and she will need support. Especially since you have not lived together, the times you have been together are probalby the "fun" weekend times and not "realistic" living together day to day time. I'm in a blended family with 3 kids. It's not easy on anyone and takes a lot of work. Good luck to you.

I have tons of books on step families...Stepping Stones for Step Families is one I remember...not every book relates to every situation, but even generic books not pertaining to step families may help - like The 5 Love Languages, Power of a Praying Wife, etc...make sure the both of you are on the same page and discuss before getting married. If there are any questions in your mind, don't do it - but if you want to proceed, you two can make it work! I dated my husband long distance before getting married as well - we were together for a year, then he went to Iraq for a year (I still drove 5 hours every other weekend to visit his kids while he was gone so we could bond) and when he got back we planned our wedding for about 6 months - so I was in a similar situation to you....I have been a step mom to two children for 4 years - the first year of marriage is the hardest they say - but the first year of marriage in a step-family is 10x harder! There will be days that you will ask yourself 'what did I get myself into?' But take heart, it will get easier and it is a commitment you two are making - not because you are 'in love,' but because you are making a life decision. There will be days you aren't 'in love' - and trust me - in the beginning those days will probably seem to outweigh the good, but you have to remember that you made the choice for you and your daughter - so stick with it - work it out - once the choice is made, it's better to follow through than to give up. You can always contact me if you need to talk about your experiences or issues.

I am the mom of a 10 year old son and have been divorced since he was 4. I got remarried this year to a terrific man who has no kids of his own and is a great stepfather. You don't mention if your daughter's dad is still in the picture, and that can make a difference as well.

But I would say : what is your daughter's relationship with your fiance? They need to develop a trust and friendship that is separate from your relationship with him. How does your daughter feel about moving in with him full time, getting married, etc.? Make sure she knows that she is still your first priority and that BOTH adults want her to have a healthy, happy, STABLE life and that is one of the reasons you are getting married.

My son gave me away at our wedding, in front of all of our relatives and friends and read a poem. He was so happy and proud- it was a wonderful day for all of us and it can be the same for you too, if you do some ground-work on your family relationship ahead of time!

Have you talked to your fiance specifically about this? What kind of relationship does he have with his adult child? Was he parenting this child as they were growing up? It might be hard for a man who has not been around kids a lot in the everyday to get used to ten year old drama!

Talk to your fiance and your daughter and have everyone write a list of what their expectations are about living together. Have them write another list about worries or concerns that they might have and TALK about them!

Make sure that your fiance knows that this is a huge thing he is taking on. Even the BEST stepfather/child relationship will have some rocky bumps in the road, as your daughter tests his authority and figures out how things are going to work. He needs to understand that trust is a two-way street- your daughter should be polite to him, but he needs to EARN her trust and respect.

Your daughter needs to understand that you love your fiance and that he loves BOTH of you- but that this is all pretty 'new' to him at this time and it will take patience and time from ALL of you to make this work.

Maybe your church or YMCA has a dad/kid group, or something like Indian Princesses that they could do together with other dads and girls? (how comfortable your daughter is with this may depend on how close she is with her birth-dad).

The best advice I can give you -coming from someone who has been able to have a very successful experience creating our 'step-family' - is choose your battles. Tell your fiance and your daughter both:
"We have to step over the small fires and put out the big ones."

Everyone needs to decide what concerns are REALLY important enough to make a big deal about and what they can choose to let go. For example- if it means a lot to your daughter to be able to have friends over on Saturday night, your husband will need to learn to accept and deal with that, even if the giggling girls get on his nerves and monopolize the TV,etc.

If it means a lot to your husband that your daughter always pick up her room and do chores, then you need to both make it clear that will be a house rule. Always make sure that you and your fiance present a united front to your daughter. Have 'family meetings' when something happens or a decision needs to be made about something. Keep the lines of communication open at all times.

If your fiance feels really insecure about parenting or just needs help with it- go to family counseling! Get yourselves into a groove that works for ALL of you and don't be embarrassed if you need some help doing it!

You can do this- but the burden will be on YOU and your finance to make this work. Remind him that your 10 year old is just a kid and you guys are the ADULTS who made this choice to change her world! Be patient and firm and communicate and everything will work out fine! Best of luck to you all!!!

Sounds kind of dicey to me.

I don't usually suggest this: But yours is one case that I might suggest your living together for a year before you set the date. You both need to get acquainted in the most important ways.

In the meantime, you both should read books on the subject. There are great ones out there. Iti s cheaper than counseling. You should discuss the messages and see how those discussions go. If either or both of you is unwilling to read and learn, that is a yellow light. No, red light.

I say this with all due respect, but I would seriously recommend waiting until your daughter is mostly grown to marry. She is right on the edge of teenager hood, which is hard enough without dealing with a the myriad of issues step families/step parenting brings. Look at the statistics and you'll see that these families rarely work out in the positive way we desire Your boyfriend could remain your boyfriend and could even become her friend. It is much more likely that 8 or 9 years down the road when she is grown and will not resent you dividing your attentions that you and your boyfriend will still be together and can then marry. Everyone wins. I wish you well.

Love the idea about premarital counseling! I'll bet the divorce rate would be a lot lower if everyone did that! Good luck!

I raised two step children. And it's hard.......in more ways than one.......
First, you two need to decide what you deem acceptable for his way of discipline. I would suggest at her age, taking things away, like her phone, computer time, etc..........You also need to come up with some sort of rules for the two of you dealing with your daughter and with what the two of you agree on.........for instance, you might think it's ok for her to have a cell phone at age 10....He may think it's just plain stupid at her age..........you can't pull the "she's my daughter and I say it's ok" line.....EVER...........

What you can do is make a decision together, each listening to each other and working together to parent her. Be sure to listen to him and don't dismiss him just because he didn't help raise his child by living with them. He will also see things different because he's not as close to the situation.....sometimes..........the closer they get that will change.........but that still doesn't mean he's wrong.......you have to treat his as her bio dad even tho he isn't.

She will use this against you at some point..........she will learn how to play you two against each other, all 4 of my kids did this.........either by you're not my Dad or Mom........and they lied off and on to get us to fight.........so be sure to talk to each other before you side with your child.........of course that is assuming you believe that your spouse wouldn't do whatever it is the child is saying. This is over dumb stuff too.......like, he wouldn't let me eat all my supper because I mouthed off to him.........and I was hungry too.....

I agree with what Sue said too......

Just make sure you communicate A LOT. As for him dealing with a child on a daily basis..........you are a package deal.......if he doesn't know that by now, he should. You have to respect each other and so do your daughter and her new "dad"...........so that is the first rule, respect, always..........if he doesn't have the patience, he's going to have to learn...........like it or not..........Just like living with you and the little things you might do to drive him nuts...........so have a very long nice talk.......about things he might not know about you or your daughter........

I am sure you will be fine......we survived.....there were days I weren't sure we would, but we did........hopefully his daughter and yours will become friends.......

Good Luck and take care.