Seeking Ideas on How to Deal with Hitting

When we went through this stage, my son received one swat on the bottom each and every time he behaved in a physically aggressive manner toward any person or pet. This was happening a few months before his third birthday and only lasted for about six weeks. The swat on the rear worked like a charm.

You have tried some great things!!!

Here is something that might work:
When he hurts a friend, do you go directly to him or do you put your attention on his friend? What we put our attention on just gets bigger!!

So if he hits, start doing this:

Go directly to the child that he hit and put your arm and warm words to that child. then, instead of excluding your child bring him into the situation and do some empathy training as well as empowering both children. here is an example of what i mean:

"Johnny, are you ok? You look really upset. Chris, come here, look at Johhny's face, Johnny, is there something that you want to tell Chris?...... Chirs,how do you think Johnny felt when you .....? Chris, What is another way that you could have done this without hurtin your friend? Johnny, what do you think about that, what other ideas do you have?"

Does that make any sense? It comes from a curriculum (preschool-100) called 2nd step.

If your child continues to hit, another idea is that instead of putting him in a "time out" put him in a "time away". Pull a chair away from the group, and tell him that you want him to watch how the other children are interacting. If possible narrate what you see. See how Johnny and Jane are working together on that train and how they are talking to each other about what they need? then tell him "when you are ready to work with your friends without hurting them, then come back to the group and show me" then walk away. It may just be a moment, or a minute or 5. the thing is that you have put him in charge.

I guess the things that are important to remember is that your child gets the clear message that hurting someone is never acceptable but that he also gets the tools that he needs to communicate in a way that he is getting his point across. No matter what though, always tend to the child that is hurt first. And if that child is really hurt and needs first aid- ice pack, band aid ...., ask that child if you son can help with the first aid and then let your child get the ice pack, or go to the sink with the child and help them wash off or what ever.

the end result is that everyone in the situation leaves empowered and thier self-esteem intact.

D.-mother of two young adult boys that were wild and crazy and teacher of young children for over 20 years,

I am a preschool teacher for 3-4 year olds. Here are some tools to help him through times of frustration. You will need help from your preschool teachers for this. Help your son name his emotions and often. When children can describe how they feel, often it lessens the intensity of the emotion. When you walk into my classroom, you hear many young voices saying to their friends “I’m frustrated” “That makes me sad” and “I’m so mad!” There are several games and books you can find to play at home that will help your son name how he feels at different times. Also, if your son talks about his hitting at all, try to focus the discussion on how he felt when he hit and help him brainstorm ways of dealing with the emotion without hurting. He can walk away and go calm down, he can read a book, he can get a hug from a teacher, and he can ask his teacher to help him write a letter to his friend describing how he feels. It’s important that the adults in his life are focusing not only on the act of hitting, but on what motivates him to hit. If your son has some tools for dealing with these moments of frustration, he will be more likely to begin trying multiple problem solving methods. Also, if your son is having a particularly challenging day, and having trouble solving problems without hurting, he may need to walk around the classroom holding his teachers hand for a while. I do this often when kids are having difficulty being safe. This is not accompanied by scolding of any kind. I simply tell the kids in my class that I need to help them be safe in the classroom and they will need to stay by my side for a while so I can help them be safe. I also remind them that if they want to make their own choices in the classroom, they need to make safe choices; otherwise I need to help them. One of my favorite tools with young children, who are hitting friends is to help give them a physical action to do in place of the hitting. Try having Cody fold his arms when he gets upset, or ask him to put his hands in his pants pockets. Often, this helps redirect that energy. It takes consistency from parents and teachers to put these things in place, but they do work. Finally, make sure that your son has regular practice with negotiating with friends for what he needs. Help him understand that he can negotiate taking turns with friends, that he can offer suggestions about how to solve problems, and that his teachers will have good ideas for how to fix whatever is wrong.

When my daughter was hitting other children, it got so bad that when they saw her coming they would immediately sit down because they knew that she was going to knock them down anyway. I felt so bad! One night while we were reading her favorite book I started to point out to her that none of the little children in the book were hitting each other. It was just a simple book with drawings of children doing different things, and she likes to point to them when I say, "Where is the baby who is brushing his teeth?" or "Do you see a baby carrying books?" So when I started to ask "Do you see any babies hitting each other?" She understood that they weren't doing that, and then she didn't want to either. I emphasized by saying, "No, they wouldn't do something like that. They are only doing things that are nice, and hitting isn't nice."
If your son has a favorite book, use the characters to show him that they don't hit people because that's not nice. If you incorporate it into the reading with enthusiasm, he may get really into it, like my daughter did. I'm not sure why this is what worked, but it did.
I've also seen books called "Feet are not for kicking" "Hands are not for Hitting" "Teeth are not for biting" (or something close to that). You could look into those as well.

Good Luck!

I read in the book "Raising a Spirited Child" or something like that, that an introverted child sometimes hits because he needs his space. He doesn't understand how to express that need and he finds that hitting the other child is an effective way of getting him away. I don't know if this applies to your child, but if so it may be a signal he needs time away from other people to recharge his coping skills. With a little insight you should be able to start recognizing his need for space before it gets to the hitting stage and give him the opportunity to move to another area to play by himself or to end the playdate on a positive note and simply leave before he acts out his frustration. With coaching he could learn to say to other kids"I need my space" and then move away on his own.

I just wanted a chance to say that bottom swatting is counterproductive beyond the idea that it is "tramatizing" as many label it in an attempt to brush it aside (weird enough as THAT concept alone is). Teaching your child that hitting is not acceptable by hitting them is ridiculous, no matter how hard or soft. It does not set a good example. My husband uses a good reasoning technique by telling our son that hands are meant for loving and we use them to love (or build or play or climb or gently touch). He then models the behavior in a loving manner so that our son can see what he CAN do instead of what he can't. It offers them an alternative and a YES. It is very tricky and definitely harder than just giving them that swap. The extra effort is more that worth it in the end. The most valuable idea in raising loving children is to respond to them in truely loving ways instead of aggressive ways with just a "loving" label on it. I hit you because I love you and I don't want you to hit is the most preposterous child rearing technique ever imagined. My husband and I were spanked as children. It made us feel disrespected as people. It is not good to send a message that you disrespect them at any age. It is vital that to get respect you have to give it! Being feared and being resepcted as a parent is two different things. I hope that being a model of good behavior and respect helps one incident at a time. I am glad to see you seeking these alternatives, it is hard, don't give up! Good Luck and don't go for the swat!

i have a 3 year old as well and he has been into hitting himself and myself for the past few months. i wondered if it had anything to do with being in preschool and picking it up from other kids. i usually tell him its not nice to hit himself and put him in the corner if hits me. it hasn't stopped so i don't think my punishments are too effective. i could use a little advice as well.
Thank you,
K. (mom of 3 year old)

Please don't give this negative behavior alot of attention. Please do give him a lot of attention when he exhibits positive behavior. When he hits... the playtime is over... short and sweet... not a lot of fuss.. Good Luck. J.

Some things we do at the Clark child and family studies are:
tell child that hitting is not ok, this is MY body andi dont wan tyou to hit me. tell him it hurts you.
there is also active ignoring. where you ignore him after telling" we do not hit". I am sure you have said this before. if he continues to hit you DO NOT REACT no words , not even a look. just walk away. it may be the reaction or the fact he is getting attention. look at when he is doing it. is it when he wants something or he is not getting his way or is it out of no where. really there are many ways but i would have to know more of the situation in order to help. I can help you more if you like. I am a early childhood eduaction major