Seeking Help with Teenagers!

I have had the same issues with my 13, and 17 year olds. The advise I was given was... "let them run out of clothes or have to wear dirty ones, they will wash them. But I had one that would try and refresh and rewear.. So I started taking things back... simple things such as .. "mom can I have the car" .. no I am sorry you didnt do what you were asked... "mom can I have $5 bucks to go out" .. no you didnt do what I asked and until you do, I cant be bothered either. Sleeping on a matress without sheets is not the end of the world try to ignor it. I found my self doing it for them many times.. Until I started taking the stuff away slowly. Anything they ask for... given if its a drink of soda or pass me the phone.. they will need something from you.

I can tell you what worked with my girls. I gathered up all of their dirty clothes every day and put them in garbage bags and put them in the garage. Of course the girls thought I was washing their clothes. Then the day came when they were out of underwear or socks or day to day clothing and they asked me where their laundry was. I simply told them it was in the garage. They go out and finally discover all of the dirty clothes in garbage bags, and when they open the bags the smell was terrible! The stated to complain that they had no clean clothes and I should have washed their clothes, etc. I listened very intently and when they were done and asked me what were they to do, I told them they had two choices: 1. They could wear their dirty clothes; or 2. They could wash them. Guess what? They started up the washer. After that when they came home and found their laundry basket empty, they immediately went to the garage and started the wash! It works.

Give them each a wash day, that is the only day they can wash without prior permission. If they don't they wait until the next week. Or set limits on the things they like to do. ei, if your laundry is not done by Saturday AM, you can not go out with friends, play viedos, whatever works for each child.
If they go to bed without hte sheets on, wake them up and make them put them on right then!! Tell them that that IS NOT allowed and they will be woken up to do it in the future as well.
It will get better if they know you mean business and there are set rules and concequences.
Good luck!
K.

Well, here is what I do with my 4-year old (yes, 4). If you don't take care of what I buy for you, I get to keep it for a while until you show me you are responsible.

I assume you buy or fund the clothing and sheets. So clean them and put them in storage to be earned back. Most teenage girls will not be crazy about a severe shrinking of their waredrobes.

On a related note, most people just have too much STUFF. If it is too hard to take care of and keep neat and clean, then maybe you and your daughters could make a project out of re-decorating their rooms and in the process, focus on organizing and reducing the clutter. That way, everything clearly has a home and the amount of maintanance they need to do is reduced. Telling them they get to redecorate makes it fun, but the price for that priviledge is neatness.

Regarding the sleeping on the unmade bed - take away the sheets and put a vinal cover on it "to keep it clean" and take away the pillow "to keep it ckean." See how they like sleeping on that. This may seem a little passive-aggressive but unless you are willing to severely restrict activites or punish, then this might make your point.

Well i am the mother of 2 teen boys. I have found that as much as I don't like it I have to be the bad guy. I have to make them realize that life is not all about YOU. They are pushing me somedays harder than I ever thought my kids would. I never knew when my boys were younger how hard it would be.
I have had to just take away until there is nothing left to take until they do what is expected. I have had to go so far with one as to obtain material for military school when he wouldn't buckle down in school. I expect thngs from them as they do me such as cooking cleaning taking them places. If they don't do what they need to I don't do what they need. One week they ate Ramen until they realized mom is not here to be a dictator but we all have chores we have to do that we don'tlike. Your sister must be firm and do what she says. You cannot give at all. They will take whatever you can give and then some. They will realize that it is all for their good. Be the leader and make sure there are things that they will loose or not get if they don't do jobs they are expected

Hi L.,

Times have changed, as you can see. We can no longer control our children. We have to find ways to motivate them.

I would suggest as a teaching tool to not only you but your children is to go to a Family Mediation.

There is the Community Mediation Center in Norfolk that does Family Mediation. (I don't know where you live.)

Call the Commmunity Mediation Center and set up an appointment for Family mediation.

That really would be an eye opener for your children.

Their number is ###-###-####. If you live outside this area, maybe they know a center near you.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

I had the same issue with three teenagers of 15, and twins of 14. I trained them to do their laundry a few years ago and is working for the most part. I assigned them one day a week for each to do their laundry and if for whatever reason one of them misses his/her day he/she has to wait until everybody is done. They do care about how they look so they make sure to wear something clean every day. Also, I don't buy a lot of clothes for them so it helps with laundry. Another thing I trained them is to make their bed every day and clean their bathroom once every two weeks. I make sure to check it. If is not done to my standards I make sure is done again. This is kind annoying to them so they make sure is done.

I have 2 teenage boys, so I understand what your sister is trying to do, especially with college on the horizon. It seems to me that she has approached the problem the right way, making laundry the kids' problem and not hers. At this point I would just close the doors to their rooms and not look at the piles of dirty laundry! If they have no clean clothes, again, that is THEIR problem. If your sister steps back in then all the lessons are lost. Our kids are not ourselves and we have to recognize that. As long as the sheets are clean, it shouldn't matter if they were folded before being slept on again. With teenagers, you have to try really hard not to let everything bother you, or you will be fighting with them constantly. Good luck to your sister!

I think Sheryl T has the right approach. I have a four year old also, but it seems that these teens need a firm hand to develop some good habits now, before it is too late and they are on their own.

After all, if they choose to live like that once they are on their own, at least she doesn't have to see it (it isn't her house), and they will clean up their act when they see how their peers live.

The teens shouldn't be asked to 'try harder' to do their laundry weekly, they should be denied going out for fun stuff if they don't meet expectations. No laundry done? No going out with friends to hang out on weekends, or pull whatever thing they like away from them - no movie rentals, no computer time except for homework, no video games, no phone time (no cell phone if they have it) etc. It's unfortunate, but probably a fact of life with teens.

I like the vinyl sheet idea, but I had an uncle who was in the Army who was pretty strict line - no makee the bed, no sleepee the bed. He would wake them up and roust them out of bed if it wasn't made - only took once or twice sleeping on the floor before my cousins caught the hint. I would probably do that, rather than the expense of buying anything.

Just like with 4-year olds, consistency is key in applying whatever punishment she lets them know (in advance) will be the result of not meeting expectations. "It's Monday now, and if your laundry isn't done and your bed made up by Friday, you won't be going out Friday night, or until it *is* done." Then, come Friday evening, she's got to stick to her guns and not let them go out with friends or whatever until the laundry is done and the bed is made.

Oh, and as for the complaints that other kids their age...blah blah blah - just tune it out, it's the age-old whine about what someone else's mommy lets *them* do! and should be ignored or countered with the standard my house, my rules, don't like it, too bad, (OR go live with your messy friends OR earn some money and hire a maid) mantra.

Good luck!

Hello L.!,
Tell your sister not to worry everyone had those problems with teens! My girls are 16 and 15 and we also HAD that problem! I was taught at an early age to wash my own clothes to cook and so on and so i passed it down to my kids, I have 6 total. 5 girls and 1 son . the youngest being 4 . Well the oldest were told to get their laundry done and put away and the sheets changed and all the same as your neices, but they thought okay later well later came and they still didnt listen o i came up with a "SOLUTION". I took all but three outfits and gave them 1 sheet set. and told them when they were responsible enough to keep their room clean and wash and dry and put away their clothes they could earn their clothes back, load by load! oh and since they didnt like sleeping in a clean bed i took it out!Believe me it worked! they slept on the sheet set and at the end of the week they washed it! and only having 3 outfits they HAD to wash and sleeping on the floor they Had to wash the sheet set! It was worth it ! My husband thought i flipped out but it worked! I am a stay at home mom i homeschool all 6 of my beautiful children and love it ! I hope this helps some! Keep in touch and let me know! with all GOD's blessing's ,K.

Hi L.,
I must defend the teens for a second. I am a mom of 2 (7y and 18m) and work full time, and most weeks, I live out of clothes baskets. I've done that since I was a teen. I used to have a huge mound of dirty clothes in the corner of my room, and several baskets of clean clothes by the closet. Now, we have one day a week where my hubby and I stay home. He cleans the house. I wash and put away clothes. The baskets that don't get put away on that day get worked on throughout the week and if need be, finished the next weekend. (you need the baskets for more dirty clothes).

As for getting the teens to listen you have to attach money and embarassment to the chores. Create a list. Post the list where everyone who comes into the house can see it. Attach a money value to each chore. Do stuff like, 'All dirty clothes put into hamper - $1.', 'All clean clothes neatly put away - $5.', and so on.
Don't include, 'Do the laundry' that should be a given. When they don't have a clean outfit to wear when they go out with friends, or they have to wear something twice that one will solve itself. If they have plans, and can't do the laundry themselves, then your sitter should charge them money. If they want your sister to change a load of clothes from the washer to the dryer, that should be allowed at no charge. They should have to ask/leave a note. However, if they expect her to do all of the laundry for them, then she should charge them $3.50 a load. $1.50 to wash and $2.00 to dry. That's what it costs at college and laundromats. Believe me it adds up!

Then, when the teens ask for money so that they can go out with friends, you look at the chart to see what chores have been done, and how much $ they've earned. That's the amount that they get.
Just some thoughts.
M.

Let them learn themselves. When they run out of clothes or sleep on a bed without sheets and then don't get a good nights sleep or runion their mattress, they will learn. They are probably just being rebellious against your sister and her ways!

First, she needs to tell them what my mother used to tell us: I'm not everybody else's mother and I don't care what everybody else does or has. My mother-in-law told me that her mother kept telling her to keep her room clean and she ignored it. One day she came home from school and all of her clothes had been pitched out the window onto the lawn (which is exactly what her mother told her she would do if she didn't start taking care of them). Your sister needs to give an ultimatum and stick to it. Don't argue about it, just tell them what's going to happen if they don't follow the rules and then stick to what she tells them. They are lucky they only have to be responsible for their own clothes. I am one of 7 kids and my sister and I used to have to do the laundry for all nine of us!!

Hi, I have a 16y.o. daughter...she has been doing her own laundry since she was 9. She has also had her little chores, such as wiping the table, counters, and loading the dishwasher. They won't do it unless they are made to do it. I don't know if her daughters have cell phones or iPods, or watch TV or go out with friends on the weekends, but with our daughter it is actually printed ad a contract, what will be done, and by what day or time it will be done. If they are not done, she loses cell phone, then iPod, then computer privileges. If she continues to do this, I continue to take things away, and she has the ooportunity to "earn" them back. Example...her laundry is to be done BEFORE Sat. AM..if it isn't. then she doesn't go anywhere that weekend unless it is with the family.
Good luck

hi L.
I agree with Tanya I have 2 teen boys and they do thair laundry if they don't then no clean clothes and sheets please I don't think they ever end up on the bed LOL, but they are the ones who has to walk around with smelly clothes if they are not washed, nasty room and my sons hate to clean the room and thair bathroom but you never know who may pop by and walk into your room it won't enbarris me just them when people say boy you need to get up and clean your nasty room as long as I don't smell your room or bathroom I don't even stress. The rest of my house is clean just close thair door and I keep on going, until I get tired of it and demand they clean if and I give them a ste time it has to be done in or they can't go do what they want..

I know it sounds a little juvenile, but I would use a chore chart. And post it where she will she it every day (no excuses)! My daughter had a habit of neglecting her responsibilities, so I made a list of the things that needed to be done every week BEFORE going out on weekend nights. I helped her devise a chore schedule that worked for her and allowed her time for homework and after school activities. She needed help managing her time, which was a large part of the problem. What made me the angriest was when I'd find her on the computer when her room looked like Katrina came through!! I password locked the computer during the week and only unlocked it on weekends AFTER chores were done. I guarantee that one weekend of being grounded will make it very clear that responsibility comes before fun!!

If they are teenagers, they need to be more responsible to help around the house. Not only with laundry but everything that needs to be done. Yard work, house work,etc.That is their laundry and they should do it. When the basket overflows, let it. Eventually they will get tired of not being able to find clean clothing and make it happen. Sometimes a comment from a classmate about an odor is all it takes. You can't do everything for them and you shouldn't try. It doesn't mean you don't care just that you do really care!! Not only with laundry but every situation. They are like most teens. Best of luck to your Sister. It's really hard to step back but as soon as she does it will be much better. She needs to make them help out !

Our teens would live out of laundry baskets if we let them. What are the consequences of not getting it done? In our home, if they don't get chores done they spend part of their weekend taking care of it before they are allowed to go anywhere. It seems to be enough incentive to have it done earlier. Amazing how early a teenager will get up to finish the job if he knows it means not looking like an idiot to his girlfriend.

Tell your sister to have a "laundry day" for each kid that is to do their own basket. If they don't get it done on that day, they will have to stay in on a Friday or Saturday night to get it done instead of going out with their friends. One missed weekend night of being able to go to the movies with friends or something will maybe kick them in the butt a little. Also if she is trying to teach them responsibility before college...if they are old enough have them get part time jobs to pay for their clothes and such that they want instead of mom supplying it. It will make them responsible to someone other than mom and dad and it will give them a taste of the outside world where mom and dad can't help them do things!! They will either sink or swim and when they don't have any clean clothes or sheets they will learn to have their clothes clean so mom doesn't have to remind them all the time!! Teens are difficult and they will try to get her to do the laundry for them but she needs to remain firm on her plan. Good Luck!

Now i dont have any teenage kids yet but my teenage years were not that long ago. Not to say that its too late, but installing life lessons during these years will be more difficult than it would have been for her to do it in the younger years. Springing something new on teenagers is just going to make them rebel. I would still have them do their own laundry (they will run out of clean clothes eventually if you dont do it for them) but i wouldnt expect them to have it neatly folded and put away. I can guarantee that once they move out into their own place that they will either A) have everything nice and tidy from the beginning and will keep it up or B) it will be nice and tidy but will get messy but as soon as they get intrested in someone and want to bring him/her back to their place that they will clean up. Until then she might just have to close her eyes when walking by their room or have them keep the door closed. They won't live at home for forever!

Hi L.

Let me start with saying "Wow! 9 kids." That is a lot of responsibilities. I am a mom and stepmom to now grown children of 24, 25 and 26.

Like you, we wanted them to learn responsibilities so that they can take care of themselve later in life. Just to let you know, it was not easy. There was a lot of resistance at first. As a parent, I had to learn to let go and let them live with certain consequences such as not having clean clothes to go to school, or going around in rumpled clothes. It didn't last long, but long enough to drive me crazy and yet teach the kids that they were the ones living with the consequence.

Today, all three children keep their places well in order (maybe not to my standards, but it is their house) and they eat well (again, maybe not to my standards). It is important to remember that everyone has different tolerance thresholds.

I would suggest that mom sit down with kids and negotiate together the chores to be done and by when. I would then have it up somewhere where everyone can see it. I would also negotiate what the consequences for not doing them would be, such as having a priviledge removed, or not being able to go out until the chore is done.

Have mom and kids revise periodically the list of chores to include other siblings as they grow. Being part of a family includes being responsible towards each other and being respectful. Including the kids in the discussion will make them feel partly in control of the situation and more likely to do the chore.

I hope this was helpful. Good luck

C. C.
Life Coach