Seeking Advise on Being a Surrogate Mother

I agree with the pp about counseling before making this decision. It's a huge commitment for you and your immediate family and your kids are old enough to be able to vocalize how it would make them feel if you went through this. Also, since it is a relative you have to consider the fall out if things don't work out. My friend had her sister in law try to be a surrogate and none of the treatments took. Her sister in law had three miscarriages and my friend is now in the adoption process which is what they were trying to avoid so there is a lot to consider. She and her sister in law are okay but it was really hard on both of them.

Hello, This is a very hard question! But because you are a very emotional person I would say you would have a hard time carrying this baby for 9 months then having to hand over this baby to his/her parents in the end, but then again it could turn the other way around where you will have a special connection with this baby! At 1 time I was thinking of doing this for my friend because she was having trouble carrying a child and had several miscarriages and was told she would never have a child. Well she ended up divorceing her husband and several years later ended up marrying again and having 3 beautiful babies on her own! It is a very hard decision to make and you have to think of your emotions that you will go through along the way, because there will be alot of them! And like you said you are already an emotional person! Iam in the sameplace, I will be getting married within the next 6 months and already have 2 boys but had my uturs(sp) taken out 7 yrs ago. But now my fiance and I are either talking adoptoin or having a surrogate mother. And if it wasn't for women like you, what would we do! God Bless you for whatever decision you make, but really think it over and think about how you are going to feel carrying that baby and giving it to the parents once you deliver! Good Luck Hun!

You would definitely want to be very clear about the terms of the agreement. Just recently I started reading a blog about a woman who became a surrogate and found out it was going to be twins. The intended parents insisted that she reduce it down to a singleton. I can't imagine. The surrogate did not want to do it but was bound by contract to go through with having one of the seemingly healthy babies terminated. I am sure that she could have violated that contract and not gone through with the procedure but that came with it's own implications. She was basically faced with a choice to follow contract law or moral law. Good luck to you in your decision.

I do not have personal experience with this but I would think that counseling would be a major part of the process. Counseling not only for you but your children too - I would think this would impact their lives tremendously. Being pregnant alone can be emotionally hard on you and your family members. Your children will need to be prepared with not only the their personal emotions but also how to deal with questions and comments they may receive from their peers.

Good luck.

I was a gestational surrogate for some family friends three years ago-gestational carriers have no biological ties to the baby- the embryo comes from the mom and dad and is implanted in you.
Aside from the emotional aspect it is a lot of work- we had to do three attempts to get a sucessful pregancy and I have to drive from DeKalb to Chicago several times a week to have blood taken and monitered for months, not to mention the appointments after I was actually pregnant.
I did two cycles with fertility drugs, which intailed giving myself several shots a day in the stomach and feeling pretty crappy, and the last one I did on my natural cycle- this is the one that took- two embroyos were put in, leaving the possiblity of twins or triplets since these embroyos I am told can split quite easily.
I was financially compensated and that was nice, made up for alot of the aches and pains of pregnancy.
As far as emotionally, I had told myself that I would not get attached and I didn't let myself- I always referred to him as thier baby, even when talking to him in the womb. It was to the point that when he was born, instead of his cry making me want to hold him, it was irritating!
But I am a pretty level headed person with four kids of my own and no desire for more.
Afterwards, what was a little surprising is that I didn't feel close at all to the child, which I guess is maybe my way of protecting my feelings, but very odd as I am usually a kid magnet.
The other sad thing is the fact that the parents really don't want to acknowlege the surrogacy and prefer to pretend that he came the "natural" way, which I will be honest, has left me sad and bewildered at times. I fully expected to be invited to his first birthday, etc. but I wasn't. So be prepared for the parents to want to forget it ever even happened.
But to see them together with their son, as I do on occasion, as they live next door to my parents, is amazing. It is amazing to know I created a family and I think it is probably the best thing I will ever do for someone in my life.
So, some things to think about from my experience. A challenging one but very rewarding for you and of course for the family member.

I was a surrogate last year which ended very horribly - the intended parents made me terminate the pregnancy at 17 weeks when we found out the baby had downs. It was the most awful thing I have ever had to do. But, at the same time, before we had found this out, it was the most fulfilling thing I have ever done. So I am doing it again and this time with a couple who will not terminate. It is very important that ALL of the details you agree on MUST be in a contract before beginning anything. Things can end so badly if all of the ducks aren't in a row, and then there are the things that you cannot control, as previous poster mentioned. Also, I think it would make a big difference if you plan to use your eggs (traditional surrogate) or someone elses (gestational). I am a gestational surrogate, and I would think traditional would be much more rough emotionally on you, because the baby is actually part of you. It is a huge and amazing thing you are considering. Best of luck in whatever you decide!!! I am a part of surromomsonline.com and it is a tremendous resource from very very experienced surrogates. Hope this helps!!!!

One tool that I have found to be very useful in helping egg donors resolve feelings about their experiences is EFT. Whether you decide to proceed with surrogacy or not look into learning EFT either through a workshop or a practitioner. Emotional Freedom Techniques is the most effective way I know of to achieve emotional balance. I have even taught it to 'emotional' children as a way to calm themselves.

If you could do this and be ok with giving them their baby...please do it! I almost had to use a surrogate. WE had everything set up, met a wonderful couple to help us, then a miracle happened and I got pregnant and carried! At any rate, please help them if you think you can, it's one of the greatest gifts to give someone who can't carry their own child.

I don't have any personal experience with surrogacy, but I just had to respond because just the idea of it causes a sort of horror to rise in my heart. Before I was a mom (my oldest is now 18) I thought, "Gee- what a great idea!" But now, having been a mom of 3, I think it's not such a great idea at all. There is a very real, even spiritual, connection between you and the child you carry which never truly leaves. And even if you're okay with it, who is to say that the child won't suffer abandonment issues when he/she gets old enough to understand? The issue of whose egg it is doesn't seem to make much difference to me, since the mom is the one who carrys the child beneath her heart, feels it's first flutters of movement, and whose breasts will swell with the anticipation of nursing this precious little one. What if you later think they are not good or kind parents? What if they become abusive? What would you feel your responsibilty to be? It gets really complicated. I honestly applaud your generous spririt, and wish your relatives well. But I'd think long and hard before lending my womb and my heart away. Have they considered adopting one of the thousands of children who are already here, and need two loving parents? I understand the self-less desire to be a parent. But if that isn't possible naturally, and people insist on raising a chid with their own genetics, it smacks of somehting more like selfish immaturity to me. My intent is not to be unkind, but to help you think through all the issues before making such a huge (lifelong) committment.

I just want to let you know that whatever you end up doing, you must be a really generous and caring person to even consider this. It will be a big commitment physically, emotionally and mentally but many people do it successfully...and being close to the child could make it easier seeing the joy that this little person brings to your family member. I agree with the other posts that counseling would be a great first step and even to try to talk to other surrogate mothers out there for support. Googling "Surrogate Mother Support Group" there are many returned:
http://www.surromomsonline.com/ http://intendedparents.com/Info/Surrogacy_Support_Groups.asp
http://www.surrogacy.com/online_support/sm/

Good luck in your decision and best wishes. :)