Seeking Advice on What to Do About Boyfriend

See if he is willing to give you one night a week as a "date night" for the two of you. It sounds like he is still adjusting to being a dad, so it would help for you to get out alone and be a couple again, so line up a sitter and make it a regular event. Put the baby talk on hold for that one night and concentrate on eachother, like before you were mom and dad. Keep talking to him, but try to keep it positive, and hopefully you can get through to him. There is life after kids, lol.... it just is different and people adjust differently to their new roles. Best wishes!

well kelly, i dont exactly know what kind of advice i can offer you because I am going through the exact same thing you are. Only instead of going out with his friends, my husband is either hunting or fishing. I tried the date night thing, but that didnt work for us, it might for you guys though. The one thing i try to do (besides not nag him about it all the time,thought its SO hard not to) is that when i get paid every 2 weeks, we go do our bi-weekly shopping at walmart. he goes his way and i go mine, but i kind of try to drag my list out so that when he comes to find me, he can still walk around the store with me. It sounds kind of dumb, but my husband is oblivious to the fact that i want to spend time with him and this is the only thing i have found that works. Other than that, the only thing i have tried that has made him realize that i like to spend time with him was to take one or 2 weeks if you can last longer than i did, and ignore him. make your own plans, be home when you want to, focus only on the baby and basically treat him the same way and when he says something, then you can explain to him that the way he makes you feel isnt so nice after all. Its just as hard for you to adjust as it is for a man, only if they are uncomfortable with their fatherly chores, they have you to rely on, but who do we have?? if the moms dont do it, then things dont get done. I know completely where your coming from. Maybe writing him a letter would work also... i hope things work out for you!!

Kelly,

I have been married 14 years and my husband still thinks friends are most important and he is almost 40. I don't know how easy it is for you to get babysitters, but my advice is to start your own life. Be busy,join a club, start having girls night out once a week, just have plans that don't incude him. If you can't get babysitters on the nights he is away, find some activity that includes the kids, even just having a friends house you can hang out at. I think they like our dependency on them but as soon as we start showing we can do things without them, they wake up a bit. Everyone does need time out away from home but two or three times a week is alot. Don't nag him about it, your lack of care what he is doing will be what changes who he chooses to be with.

When he gets home from work one evening, grab your keys and tell him you'll be back in a few hours. I realize that what you want is to spend more time with your boyfriend, but maybe he'll see that if YOU need to get away from the house sometimes too, then maybe he'll be more willing to take you out. I don't understand why women make excuses for men (and I've done it too for my husband) about needing to "get used" to fatherhood... so they have the right to go out and have fun all the time? Women have to make the same adjustments in their lives when entering motherhood, but we don't have the freedom to pick and choose when we want to be responsible moms and partners. It is important for men and women to make time for themselves and for their relationship, but at some point the line must be drawn. Freedom to do what you want when you want is lost as soon as you welcome your precious, vulnerable little one into the world. Remind him that from a very young age, children learn how to behave from adults. does he want to show his son that being a man means being immature and irresponsible, or does he want to show him how to be a real, responsible, loving man?

I say get your own hobbies!!!! Men will ALWAYS make time for themselves while we run oursellves ragged. I just realized that after almost 9 years cumulative with my husband. I started going to the gym more frequently and demanded that he is on 'baby duty' when I go.

Kelly,

Try going out 2-3 times a week yourself. Leave him with the kids and start spending more time with your friends. Most men like to know their wives are at home waiting on them. Let him know you are done waiting on him to pay you any mind. You may just find that he will change when he see's a change in you. good luck!

Kelly,

I'm not really sure what you want your boyfriend to do. You're saying up there that you think he goes out too often with his friends, and then you are saying that you wouldn't care about him going out with his friends if you two went out together more often.

If he's truly spending too much time away from family, then you both need to set some parameters you are both willing to live with. Like he doesn't go out more than 2 nights a week, and you don't complain about it EVER, no matter what. That means he can go those two nights, with no pouting, no whining, no "can't you put it off just this one time" And that special events, like a friend's bachelor party, or something like that are flexible, unless they fall on YOUR birthday or Christmas.

If your real objection is that he's not going out with you, then you need to not use the other argument as a way to pick at him to get what you want. Have you asked him, outside of an argument, why he doesn't want the two of you to go out together? A lot of guys get funny about leaving the baby with a sitter (my husband. for example) and think it should be Mommy who stays home to tend the little one (not my husband, lucky for him!). So in that guy's mind, Mom wanting to go out for dinner or a movie or to a club, is being derelict in her duty.

Is the "forever" concept sinking in now that the baby's here? A lot of guys don't really "Get" the parenthood thing until it's literally staring them in the face. Then they freak out. So, he spends a little while running around, partying, and acting like a jerk until he settles into the idea that a family isn't really going to strangle him to death, and look how cute the little guy is, and maybe I'll stay home tonight, after all.
What you should do about him really comes down to what you expect from him personally, and what you expect from the relationship. In order for it to work, you both have to be 100% committed. How you work out the rules about going out and all is between you, but you both have to have a genuine desire to make the rules work, and you both have to go into negotiating those ground rules with a willing an open spirit. If not, it all falls down.

I know exactly what you mean!! My bf goes out 2-3 times a week (sometimes not) but most the time he does and thinks there is nothign wrong with it & never wants to take me anywhere. He says he goes out to have his buddy time and I said 'Well if you can do stuff with them then you can take me out once in a while'. He does take me to movies (it's usually cuz he wants to watch a horror movie & has never but once let me pick the movie out), and he takes me to mcd's sometimes or buys a pizza & rents some movies sometimes. But nothing special that makes me swoon. He's a great father-just not great in the bf department but he does love me and I love him.
My best advice to you is to get out of house yourself. If you dont have your liscence-get them and take you and the baby somewhere and visit others so you aint gotta sit at home thinking out how he's away from house and having a good time. Cuz if you aren't at home thinking about it-then you are less likely to resent it.
You could also suggest your bf bring his buddies over sometime. And if they want a few beers then suggest they wait till baby goes to bed and they are quiet about it or they come over and play cards or something like that. His friends could possibly appreciate having a place to chill and as long as you allow them that but are firm in the rules (like no overnigth stays and no drinking with child awake and in the same room, and so on) then all should be fine.
When my bf's friends come over-I always make sure to make them feel welcome. I for instance offer non alcoholic drinks, I make up snacks. It shows my bf that I respect him & his friends and it shows that I appreciate him taking time to knoweledge that I don't mind him bringing buddies over as long as they know there are rules set with it being a mess I'd end up having to clean up and that there is a child in the house. They will probably wanna come over more than go out.
BTW-Not saying drinking with kid in house is ok but if you allow it and kid is asleep or in another room then it should be fine if it's a few quiet beers.