Seeking Advice on Moving on from Halloween Incident...

I think it's horrible that he would do that, but seriously, how long were you gone? Picking up dinner should take max 20 minutes...sounds like you're not giving all the info...

-M

Did you go out to dinner with someone else? Or were you picking up dinner for the family? I would be upset if I had said to him I am going to get dinner be right back and then we will go. If you just left and it was getting late he had the right to take her out before she got to sleepy. I think you may have over reacted. I personally wouldn't have left at all I take the night off so I can spend it with my kids. I am sorry you missed out this year but you will have many more to come. Next year send him out for the food.

No, you are not over reacting he was being selfish. What he did was forgivable but not very nice. But when people fight about things like socks on the floor, it's never about the socks most of the time it's about something else. So I would ask you has he always been a selfish person or is he getting back at you for something you did or said. I'm not saying it's right but it's just what it sounds like to me.

I started to read some of the other responses, but grumph! I can't believe people are acting as if you are unforgiving or acting immature because things didn't go your way (I only read three before responding). I would be just as upset as you! I would feel robbed of something so special and new in my daughter's life. I would be heartbroken. I am extremely sentimental, as I'm certain you are. I would be quick to forgive my husband, but only if I felt that he really understood why I was upset. Is it possible for you to sit down and explain to him just how meaningful this evening was to you? I think you need some understanding and THEN an apology. I would approach him to tell him that you appreciate the gesture of the card, but that you really need him to understand that these "first" moments in your daughter's life are very important and essential to you. Perhaps he underestimated how important it would be to you.

I hope you guys work it out and are on speaking terms soon. You are so not alone in responding this way! (P.S. My husband chimes in that since the two of you discussed going together in advance, he was wrong to leave without you. Was it spiteful? Is there another underlying issue that you did not brought up here? Was there a disagreement beforehand? Just a guy's point of view.)

What seems bizarre to me is that your whole family dispsersed while you left the house to get dinner. I mean, from the outside looking in, it appeared you were planning on eating dinner as a family prior to trick-or-treating. But you were totally okay with your older
children leaving with their friends? Hmmm...

Did you ask him why he left without you? If so, what was his response? He was obviously sorry about it but must have had some reason in his mind to take her out. How long were you calling him before he finally answered? Was it a long time? I was thinking it must've been a while since your daughter was falling asleep.

It's been almost a week now. You can't really do anything about the memories lost other than address what happened to ensure it doesn't happen next year. It seems like there is additional underlying tension between the two of you as the cause doesn't really match the effect between the two of you. Not trying to minimize your hurt of being left
out of a fun and festive night for your daughter, I would have been upset
too but it does seem a little over the top for the given situation.

I definitely think it's time to talk and bury what happened. It's robbing you both of the good that is happening now. I wish you both the best in resolving things.

I agree with SH...maybe he was trying his best and it was just a big misunderstanding. I think something that may be of help to you is the book "The Love Dare", where you do different things for 40 days, because it makes you appreciate your relationship more.

Best of luck.

LG~
When our feeling are hurt the first reaction it to get mad. I do understand why you are upset, as i would be to. Now what can you do to make this situation better or get resolution? Firstly anger comes from hurt, explain to your partner why you are hurt focusing on you not him! if you use words like YOU did this.... he is likely to get defensive, this will not help the situation. You have to be calm and express your feeling and make a plan ( the two of you) of action on how special events will work in the future so neither person will feel left out. Sometimes we have to think about the best intrest of the kids, not what in our best intrest. About the picture you missed out on. Make it a fun dress up day w/ costumes and take picture who says it has to be halloween for dress up! when given lemonds make lemond-aid. I hope this helps. Advise it always eaiser to give that to take.

"Seek first to understand, then be understood." Have a conversation with him and let him explain to you what happened and why he made those decisions. Then speak to him about your feelings and try to get him to understand where you are coming from. Figure out what you want from him in the future and make certain that you communicate your expectations to him so that you won't have any more mix-ups in the future. Last but not least, forgive him and move on once you've gotten his word that he will consult you on important decisions in the future. I recommend this book in either the classic book format or books-on-CD: "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen Covey.

I am so sorry that this happened to you! My little guy is just a few months older than your daughter so I completely understand where you are coming from. This was his first "walking" Halloween too. As mothers, we never want to miss our kiddos moments. One would hope that fathers would understand this, but men sometimes have to have it all spelled out for them.

So, you can't go back and change this. I think you should sit down with your partner and talk about preventing these kinds of situations in the future. Also, you said that you didn't get any pictures. Can you get your daughter dressed up again and take a bunch of her in her costume. I don't think it will matter if you don't have pictures of her knocking on doors or getting candy. When she is older and wants to see pics from her past, she'll be happy to have a few pics of her in her costume.

I know you are angry (and rightly so), but I think you just have to work on forgiving your partner and letting it go.

Hey LG,

Just like we make a choice to love..we can make a choice to forgive and have peace. I say, let it go and be the good mom and partner that you are. It is not about being right or making him fell bad...you made your point about it and if he was dong it to "get" to you, then it would be different. He was just being a "guy". they don't see things like we women do and they jsut think we are silly when we take sooo much time preparing for the fine little hilidays such as halloween. Meet with your neighbors and ask them if she can dress up and stand in their doorway for a few photo ops..it will make it funy when you look back and tell her what daddy did!! :)

I truly feel your pain. My husband did something similar at Christmas. After I did 100% of the work (planning, hosting, shopping, wrapping, etc.) I couldn't wait for "the big payoff" of seeing my girls' faces when they walked out and saw their presents Christmas morning. We all woke up and I said to my husband, "Don't let them go in the living room yet. I just have to go to the bathroom really quick." You guessed it. When I got out of the bathroom, there were the girls, already knee-deep in their gifts. I was furious! But not nearly as furious as when he did it AGAIN the very next year! Grrr! Men can be so clueless and aggravating.

Basically, what's done is done and it can't be changed. Let your partner know how sad you are that you missed something so special and fun and make sure he understands so that it doesn't happen again. Please forgive all the people who are telling you that you're overreacting and to get over it. You have every right to be upset about this. But staying angry won't help anyone. Talk to your partner, clear the air and move on. By the way, he gets points in my book for going so far as to get a card. I think that points to the fact that he understands on some level how upset you were by all of this. Accept his gesture of reconciliation and start the communication wheels spinning again. Nothing is gained by holding grudges. And I do agree that you should dress your daughter up again and take pictures. Twenty years down the road, you probably won't even remember what went down that night, you'll just be happy to have the pictures of your precious little girl looking adorable.

Best of luck to you!

Wow ~ I'd be very peeved too. Some partners just don't get it, no matter how much you think you've made your wishes clear. Well, relationships don't end over stuff like this, so here's a practical suggestion to remedy this particular situation:

Dress up your daughter again for pictures, and if you have the heart for it talk to a few neighbors (preferably those who still have decorations up if there are any) about reenacting Halloween and take her out to their places for some photo opps. You'll at least have pictures to remember. Think about it.

I do think some restitution is in order here, though I don't really know quite what it should be. For myself, I always want to know WHY someone did something. If they have a reason, then that understanding helps me to get over being so angry. Doesn't sound like he's much of a talker (the apology card), but it does sound like he does have some awareness of your feelings. He's got to talk with you about this. And I imagine you must be planning to have things VERY clear and planned out for the next time.

I hope this clears up for you soon. I can totally understand your being angry, but it's not healthy to hold on to it. I wish you & your family all the best,

Colleen

*I saw that you later edited your request and clarified that you went to pick up dinner for the whole family, because he did not want to go.

I don't think he intentionally meant to snub you and be insensitive. Giving you a card... for a man, is very thoughtful. My Husband has done that too. I think its thoughtful... they have to think about it, actually go to a store, and choose one with the right wording.... etc. then buy it at the counter feeling embarrassed etc.

Unless you explicitly said "DO NOT LEAVE OR GO WITH OUR 15 MONTH OLD TRICK OR TREATING UNTIL I COME HOME...' I doubt that he would absolutely "know" that it was a big taboo, for you.

HE probably did not know when you were coming home ... meanwhile he got the 3 kids ready for Halloween (a big task for a guy), and when the older kids left on their outing... your 15 month old may very well have been wanting to go too, so maybe then your Partner then made a quick judgment call and took her out trick or treating right then....INSTEAD of waiting for you to come home and not wanting to interrupt your dinner by calling you or rushing you home either. So.... there were several "decisions" he had to make all at the same time having to do with the 3 children and his Partner who was out having dinner on Halloween night, and he was home with the kids by himself on this busy anticipated night. And, he was probably concerned about the clock too...ie: how late it may have been getting and knowing that a mere 15 month old was not going to last having to "wait" for Mommy and then going trick or treating for who knows how long... and then KNOWING that a baby WILL get either (a) tired (b) fussy (c) or tantrum because of tiredness or hunger or over-tiredness. So as you saw, he was ending up carrying her home because she was so tired.
And sure, he didn't take pictures of this Halloween night... because well he is human. He probably just innocently forgot the camera and besides, his hands were full with holding his daughter's hand and making sure she didn't run across the street or into an oncoming car at NIGHT no less... and him having to also help her carrying her candy bag or other things.

Next, men often don't think or realize that something is MEGA BIG DEAL to "us" unless we point blank say it is. They don't catch on to hints very well. So, your Partner is probably wondering WHY you are so so mad at him... and not talking to him when he basically took care of the whole Halloween night with the kids while you went out to get dinner on this important night....
Did your Partner get to eat dinner also? Or Not?- since he was so busy. Did he have to cook dinner for the older kids and the baby too, before they all headed out for trick or treating? He must have been tired too.

All in all, I think this was simply a case of your Partner trying to do the best he could, while you went out to dinner on Halloween night and he didn't want to spoil your plans... meanwhile he he managed with 3 kids as well as he could... while at the same time making the kids happy too, since Halloween is a big deal to kids.

I think, he probably feels miffed too, and wondering why he got the cold shoulder & you so mad at him, when he was home alone doing all the prep and minding the kids too. AND after-all, he did make an effort to "apologize" by getting you a card. But I don't feel this is about "who" should apologize to whom... it was merely a big mistake... that was not intentional. Next time there is a big-special-holiday-planned event... then both Parents should be home, or at least home by a planned time, and early enough so that EVERYONE knows in advance what plans will take place/what time/when the whole family will leave/etc. AND that photos are taken too. It takes more coordination and spelling it out.. so everyone is on the same page. And especially for the "man" in the family because they won't get it unless we spell it all out and literally say "our" expectations... and giving them a say in it TOO.
Compromising is all its about- AND,
Apologizing to each other and thanking each other for trying their best and keeping the kids happy and safe. I think, this is not a situation where only "1" person should
apologize.

Could it be perhaps, that you are actually upset with yourself, for having missed out on your baby's Halloween? And it is actually not your Partner's fault, but a case of wrong timing in hindsight... that was unintentional.
I'm sure your Partner is also hoping for an "apology" too, because I don't think he meant to upset you or hurt your feelings, yet he was big enough to buy you a card, to apologize. That was sweet of him.

All the best,
Susan

Yes, you are over reacting. You should put your daughters costume back on her, take some pics and be done with it. You move forward knowing that you have a man involved enough with his child to want to do that. He was too tired to get dinner but he took her out, YEAH FOR HIM! he had his priorities straight. He knew he didn't have the energy for both so he picked the one that to him was most important.

Now you said you and he had discussed doing it together? Did you remind him BEFORE you left to get dinner? I mean that EXACT moment because men are very simple creatures (and that is not an insult,) they have a one track mind. Maybe he saw his daughter getting sleepy and wanted to ensure she had the experience. So he took her out.

Love him, love the fact that he got up to take her out...he could have just left her while he napped you know...think about it.

B.
Family Success Coach

That sucks! Well, I had a similar incident with my husband celebrating Christmas morning with my three year old a day early when I couldn't be there because it worked out better for my MIL. I was livid too. But we can't change the past. At least your daughter got to go trick-or-treating before she fell asleep. In a way, it was clever of your husband to take her out when he did or she might have missed out on trick-or-treating altogether. Relax. Halloween comes every year.

I totally agree with diane e.

That was insensitive of your partner to deviate from the plan without telling you first. I have no idea what his intentions were, though, so I'm hesitant to just condemn him. That being said, I also think you are over reacting a bit. But, maybe that is just because I would not have gotten that upset over something like this. The only way through this is to talk to him. Tell him how you feel (without being aggressive about it) and try to come up with a solution for next year. Good luck!

You are right to be angry - it sounds like he was purposely trying to hurt you. Had you been fighting? I think the only way to clear the air is find out why he did that and get to the root of the problem.

Wow
I would be livid and hurt all at the same time. NO you did not overreact. He is so wrong, so not nice or fair. How would he of liked it if he went to get dinner and you took her out for all the fun and glory. I dont know what to tell you except that was so mean spirited. Is he jealous the baby would go to you all night and not him? I have no answers on what to do but i support your feelings and pain. That really sucks and he owes you a much better apology and a redo of the night for your family photos.
T.

Weird. So no one ate dinner before they went out? Sounds like they were all chomping at the bit to go trick-or-treating, including your husband. I would be upset too. What a clueless goof. Obviously, you are going to have to make peace in your heart with it and move on. Good luck.

Hello LG~
I can completely relate to this situation. I am a single mom of a beautiful 4 y/o. Her dad and I have shared custody and each year we switch Holidays including Halloween. I hate having to miss out on any special event in her life. My only advice to you is that, I think it's toally normal to feel this way and you have every right to be upset, however you can look at it in a more positive aspect, this will not be her last Halloween and it only gets better and more exciting from here on out. When they are so young and not really as excited about it as we are as parents, it's really not that much fun...lol. But I promise you, as she gets older and starts to realize what Halloween truly is about "CANDY". It's awesome to see there excited little faces and they like to help out in "inspecting" the candy. I hope this helps you in the sense that you didn't really miss out on anything, the best is yet to come.

Grow up things dont alway go the way you want make up and go forward next year make better plans ad no hills

everyones already said enough, but I just wanted to add that I'd be totally upset as well! I NEED pictures! make sure you already have food at the house and don't leave in the evening. I would suspect that he only gave you the card not because he was really sorry but because he knew you were upset and wanted to "get out of trouble". Hopefully he know understands how important these things are to you...

Yes you over reacted.
Admit it and get on with your life.
Take the high ground and be happy.
Or act like a spoiled child. Win and lose your partner, happy child, and be right.
You choose.
B. v. O.

Wow. The things people get upset about. I'm not really sure what the problem was. To actually have a dad want to do something special like that with his daughter, I think it's great. My husband has done a lot of 'firsts' with our only daughter and I'm very happy for both of them. How many 'firsts' have you done that your husband wasn't present for? In 20 years, you will be able to look back and say 'what a great INVOLVED dad he was back then'. That should be more important that the feeling of being left out. Remember, this was not something for you. It was something for your daughter to do. Due to work issues, I missed my daughter's first day of first grade this year. I was devastated but sooo very very thankful my husband was able to share it. We were both going to go but since it didn't work out that way, I was happy he was able to share that special day with her. Think of your daughter and what she will remember. An involved dad. Not many of those around these days.

I think the question is, were you shocked by this or is behaviour similar to what he's done before. There's a reason he did this. I can't think of one husband I know, that would ditch his wife to take their child(ren) out and not think the wife would want to join them. (Especially after you discussed it) Did you fight prior or is this his way of "getting back" at you for something? I think that's what needs to be addressed. If you can honestly say this was shocking behavior and you would not expect this from him, then he probably got overly excited to go. Just let him know you were dissapointed and move on. But if this is his personality, you'd better be more prepared next time cuz this is who you had a child with.
But please, talk with him because the longer your drag this out, the worse it'll be!

Hi, LG,

I can understand you being somewhat sad, upset, etc. Like you, I did not get to go out with my kids this year. However, we have a CHOICE as to how we view things.

As a graduate psychology student, I've learned to accept and even feel optimistic about a lot of things that I used to think were fairly unpleasant. Mindfulness (meditation) has helped a great deal. (Check out Jon Kabat-Zinn's book Full Catastrophe Living and Belleruth Naperstek's guided imagery CDs.) I'm now mellow about my husband spying on me for two years, refusing to attend counseling with me or even talk to me, leaving home without telling me when he would return (sometimes he returned a few days later) and threatening to divorce me (because I don't express affection the way he would like me to). I am 43, attend graduate school full time, and am trying to raise two toddlers. I am almost always sick and tired, but I feel fairly lucky.

I know people who are in much, much worse shape than us--kids who are paralyzed from the neck down, grandmothers afflicted with AIDS who are taking care of seven kids, etc.
I do research on management of chronic and often fatal diseases. As such, I hear about some extremely challenging situations.

Your partner sending you a card is a good sign.

You can make many more special events with your kids. Special occasions don't always have to fall on holidays. For instance, I sometimes give my kids birthday gifts on days other than their birthdays. I consider their birthdays "rolling birthdays." This way, they get gifts from people on various days.

Finally, you may want to keep in mind that stress will damage your health. Therefore, it behooves you to not sweat the small stuff. (Mot things in life that we get upset about fall into the category of small stuff.)

Best wishes,
Lynne

This all sounds so strange. Why did he leave if you were on your way back with food? Did something happen leading up to this and this was a power-play on his part? Was he sick of waiting for you because it was getting very late and he couldn't reach you or something?
Who were you picking up food for if your older kids were arranged to go out with other kids before you got back anyway?

Anyway, I think you are not over-reacting, I would be livid as well if this situation happened to me, and probably holding a grudge for at least as long. I too have a hard time moving on until I feel sufficient apologies and groveling have taken place. So I feel you. At least he wrote a card (why did that make things worse? At least he he made some attempt to make it better).

Be an adult and talk about it. This also includes listening to the other side. Tell your partner how his actions made you feel. He probably didn't think that Halloween was such a big deal to you. Let him know, accept his apology, and get over it.

Wow, seems like poor planning & then over-reacting...With the excitement of the evening that was coming up, dinner should of been over with before the kids even got dressed up! All that sugar & no healthy food in their tummies?

Also, you daughter is VERY young & likely to get sleepy, that is normal for her age, especially if the day was super stimulating...it seems selfish of you to get mad at him for making sure she got a little bit of trick or treating in before she fell asleep. He wasn't trying to "leave you out of this special night"..sounds like he wanted her to have a special night before she fell asleep!

Plus, I'm sure she looked cute in her costume, put it back on her & take some pictures! Who cares if it isn't on that exact day? And remember there is always next year & NEXT year she'll enjoy it even more!

I'd apologize for over-reacting & then set down together & do some meal planning, so you have a schedule & the meals aren't all on you! You have a full plate--3 kids & working full time--meals are for the whole family, both parents should work to make sure everyone gets fed! Good Luck!

Uh...NO WAY ARE YOU OVER REACTING. What's with these mothers who can't feel your pain. Like they'd be saying, "oh hun, thanks for being such a trooper and taking our unfed 1 year old out trick or treating. You forgot the camera? Who needs photos of precious memories...not us!! By the way, you didn't pick up your phone the first couple times I called when I returned from getting you and the baby dinner...poor thing you must be starved!" I call BS! They'd be pissed too!
I don't know how to help you through this, but once you're done, get your Christmas morning plans in writing.

Good luck!

Honestly, if these are the things you get upset about, no wonder he went without you.

I can see your point about not having any pictures, but you have 2 other kids, you should be more than aware that you can put her in her costume tomorrow and snap a few picks and I bet she'll be just as darling as she was on Halloween night. The years will pass and when she looks at her album years from now she'll say, "oh, I was so cute that year- we must have had so much fun" and you can look at your partner and give him the stink-eye and laugh. He did his best, and obviously she was tired - he should have grabbed the camera, but honestly this is so nothing to be upset about. Put it in perspective... childern have lives with NO father. Your kids have the two of you - they are blessed. Be thankful and get over this extrememly little thing.