Seeking Advice on How to Tell 3 Year Old That Our Dog Died

A., in many pet circles they talk about dogs and cast crossing the rainbow bridge. This is a place that dogs and cats go when they are done living here to go play with all the other animals. Explain that she can't go there but that Sophie is watching her all the time (if this is a direction you want to go). While I do believe that pets go to heaven if she doesn't have that concept this might be a simpler path for her to understand. You might try googling rainbow bridge and see if there are any other key words that might help you.

I'm so sorry about Sophie and hope all goes well.

There is a book out there called "When A Pet Dies" and I thought it was written my Mr. Rogers. I can't find the note I had the info written on. Anyway, try Amazon.com. It was written on a childs level.

Don't tell her anything unless she asks where the dog is. It is likely that she may just not even think about it.

We are so sorry for your loss. My sister is a kennel supervisor at a local shelter - her advice agrees with our vet which is to tell the truth. Your very loved dog died, her heart stopped beating. A book I recommend for your entire family is "The Next Place" by Warren Hanson is an excellent. The book does specifically use the words dead or death, but rather speaks to thougths of comfort. Some of Hanson's lines are "The next place that I go won't really be a place at all. There won't be any seasons - winter, summer, spring or fall -" "My skin will not be dark or lightr. I won't be fat or tall. The body I once lived in won't be part of me at all" "I will travel empty-handed ... except the love of all who loved me..." Rainy Day Books, Fairway, Kansas typically cares this excellent book. Thank you.

I'm very sorry about your dog, it must have been very sad for you. Generally speaking, a 3 year old won't understand death and the permanence of it. My suggestion is to just sit her down and tell her that the dog died. It won't be around anymore. If she asks why, I don't think it matters what the reason. The car accident might upset, but it also may upset her that her dog chose to go with its mom and dad instead of stay with her, or if there was no real reason. You could say that she got hurt so badly that the vet couldn't fix her. But, you can't make death clean and neat. You can't protect your daughter from "bad" things that happen in life. As the parent, the best you can try to do is be as clear and honest and supportive as you can be. She can be sad and angry, she has the right to her emotions, but if they get out of hand, you may have to help her deal with that. This may be her first hard knock, but certainly not her last.

So sorry to hear about your dog. A three year old isn't really going to understand death, but it's important to be honest, and make sure she understands that Sophie can't come back home. If she doesn't know about Heaven, then you're right, that won't help any. You can tell her Sophie died, and that means she's not alive anymore. Then I'd let her ask questions and answer them as honestly as you can. And then, let her grieve. Don't tell her to stop crying and that it will be ok. Let her know that it is really sad and you miss Sophie too. Cry with her. When we had to give our cats up because my daughter became deathly allergic, telling my kids our wonderful kitties had to go away was horrible. We all cried, and I purposely let them cry as long as they needed to. And after about 10 minutes, my son said, "Can we get a turtle then?" They all recovered very quickly - faster than the adults. And when our gerbils died, we gave them little funerals and the kids stood around the grave and we talked about all the funny things the gerbil did when she was alive. It was very healing for them.

I'm so sorry about your poor dog. {{HUG}}
I've had to tell my boys when my mom's cats died. I just said that they were old and tired, and now they were someplace where they could be young again, and chase all the mice they wanted. I did say that they died, not that they went to sleep or anything like that. The last thing you want is to create an aversion to sleep, right?! The boys were very attached to those cats, so it was hard, but they understood, even tho my youngest would look for them for awhile when we went to visit. They still talk about the cats, but in a positive way.
She has new cats now, so there is still something furzy for them to play with. Perhaps, after a while, you'll get a new fur-baby, and that could ease the way. (More {{HUGS}} to you.)

First of all, I am sorry about your dog. I have two who are starting to get up there in years, and I shudder to even think about what we have ahead of us, especially since our daughters will about your daughter's age (they're 2 and 6 mos now).

My sister recently had to put down her 14-year-old lab, and she got a book for their 4-year-old son. I think it was called Dog Heaven (there's one for cats too). She said it really helped, and that he has dealt with it well. She is going through a divorce right now too, so the poor kid is going through a lot on top of losing his dog. You might check it out or do a search for something similar on amazon or at a library. Good luck!

So sorry for your loss! (((HUGS))) They are really a part of the family!
I would probably tell my child, in a simple way, that the pet, did, in fact, die and went to heaven (my belief). I don't think a toddler is too young to hear about heaven and I just can't see telling a child that their pet "ran away". I think that would hurt even more...that the dog make the choice to leave. I might leave out the "hit by a car" part and just explain that when a pet gets old or sick, they go to heaven, where they can be healthy again, to rest and play and they get to see their friends and family who got there before them. I would tell her that she won't get to see her dog anymore, but that he will stay in her heart. She will likely mourn, but you can help her make a tribute to her dog, if she wants to, with pictures or a little garden. Let her know it's ok to be sad and to miss him, and let her know that you miss him too.

As painful as it is, be honest because chances are over time she will learn the truth from someone. This will make her wonder how many other times you have not been honest with her. If the truth makes either of you upset, then cuddle one another and reassure your daughter that you love her and you loved your dog, but accidents sometimes happen. Tell her you are hurting too and that it is okay to cry. Take one day at a time, but by all means be honest. Take care and I will continue to think about you and pray for your family. We recently adopted a dog and I can't imagine life without her so I send my deepest sympathies. Best of luck. K. O.

Hi A.,

I'm an EMT and also worked as a hospice nurse, so I'm somewhat familiar with your situation (my dogs are members of my family, and losing one of them...well, it makes me teary just thinking about it). I also have three kids of my own.

I think that age-appropriate honesty is the best policy. Your child will realize at some point that your dog isn't around and will start asking questions, so perhaps instead of forcing the issue when she's not expecting it you could prepare what you're going to say/how you're going to say it now. That way when she DOES ask, you'll be ready for her.

As for WHAT to tell her....well, I think that depends on your family and personal belief system. We are a family of atheists, so what we tell our children when we lose a loved one could be very different than what your family believes. If your child is aware of heaven; if you've talked about it before and she has an idea of what it's about, then tell her that your pet has gone to heaven. You don't have to go into gory details, you could just say that she was old and got sick and that it was her time to go to heaven to be with her momma and daddy.

Hope this helps....if you need to talk, drop me a line!

Much love,

K..

No matter what you tell her, I encourage you to tell her that your dog DIED. It is hard. I do think, though that it is easier younger and easier with animals then, perhaps if something happened to someone you love (which will eventually happen). I sheltered our 4 year old a lot (not letting her see dead birds, skipping parts of stories etc.), but when my great aunt died we talked to her about it, and though it occupied her mind a lot, I'm glad we did. She understands now mostly what we believe and though the questions are hard sometimes, ultimately, I think it is best. I'm sorry for your loss, and I know how hard it is to deal with those things. We still focus on being very old or sick when you die. Lately she's asked what sickness can make kids die and questions like that. Sometimes I tell her I just don't want to talk about things (after I answer a few questions and she still keeps going on and on about death). I think suggesting your dog wants to be with her doggy mommy and daddy would bring up a whole lot of questions that you don't anticipate (why wouldn't we let her go before? can we go visit her? did she hate living with us? etc.) Once again, I'm sorry, I know how hard this is. I hope it goes well, whatever you decide to do.

K.

Hi A., SO sorry for your lose, I understand very well the heartache when you lose a pet (family member).

It's difficult to explain to one so young and as you say extremely sensitive. I would approach it like you thought about that Sophie needed to see her mommy and daddy, it had been a long time since she was with them since Sophie was living with us. So Sophie is happy now running and playing with Mom & Dad.

Some little people understand death to some extent if we don't make it fearful.
I recently lost my mother, in August to Alzheimer's and I told our 3 1/2 yo Gr son and Great Gr ma Boling went to be with Jesus in a Beautiful place. When he asked if he could go see her, I told him not today. It's far away and it's not time to visit yet. Gr Gram Ma was with his Pops and Dear-Dear now just talking away and visiting. He accepted that explanation very well. He has what we call his "My Family". It's a key chain like picture folder( wallet size) and has all of his immediate family, cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Gr parents.. etc.. on it. We told him he could remember Gr Gram Ma by looking at his "My Family" pictures.

If you have pictures of Sophie, you could make a collage for your little girl to keep, so Sophie will always be with her in memory.

Again I am so sorry for your lose of a great friend.
Maybe Sophie is playing with my Molly & Bubba too. :)

God Bless
K. Nana of 5

It is so hard to cope with, but three is not too young to talk about death. We were in your situation a year ago when my two youngest were three.

Start by saying something like "Sophie died -- do you know what that means?" If no, "It means her body was old and stopped working, and she won't be living with us anymore," or something simple that you feel comfortable with. Let her lead the conversation. She may have questions right away or over the course of a few weeks or not at all. Reassure her that all emotions are O.K. Be honest (in a simple, gentle way) about what you know and admit what you don't know. Yes, it may lead to "Will you/I die?"

The book "Dog Heaven" is wonderful -- even for grown ups, and if she seems like she misses the dog a lot, make a simple book of photos of the dog that she can look at.

FWIW, even after a year my kids (8, 6, 4 and 4) still sometimes get weepy because they miss our dog. Good luck.

Being an animal lover and losing pets over the years too..I kind of agree with the "too much information" concept when it comes to explaining to little ones emotional issues such as loss, a natural part of living. Maybe tell her "something like"..The family pet had grown very old in doggy life and wasn't as fast as it used to be, unable to hear or see as well well anymore either. We teach them age about dangers of cars and crossing the street. Maybe the simple truth put in a way she can relate to. Letting her know that you are going to miss your pet as much as she will and you share her sadness, it's ok to be sad. Lighten up the conversation and talk about pleasant memories. Talk about other puppies that need homes, a little girl play with, grow up with and take care of it. We all have to learn to deal with the reality of life's disappointment's as we grow older. Further explanation can depend on the questions that she has next. As a mom you know your child the best. I learned to take the issue a step at a time depending how my kids processed it. Naturally we want to protect them but through hard times we are teaching them to deal with their emotions in a healthy way. I always had to keep in mind that my kids took cues from my emotions.. strengths and weaknesses. Maybe heaven doesn't even have to be part of the explanation. Basic information worked for me with the little ones. There is a cute movie called "All dogs go to heaven.." just a movie about doggies. I think it was a Disney movie but was real popular in it's day. Other moms have spoke of kids being resilient...so true.

Hi A.,

First of all, sorry to hear about your doggie. We have a 13 year old dog, who our son is very attached to and I can't imagine what I am going to say when she passes.

First, though, for you, your daughter is only 3, which is to your advantage. Out of sight, out of mind. I wouldn't mention a thing to the child, unless she brought it up. If however, she does bring it up, I would tell her that the dog went back to live with her dog family needed her and she had to go live with them. I'm not sure I would mention about the dog Mom and Dad, it may shake your daughter up that she may have to leave you guys. Maybe that's completely bonkers, but I think that's what I would say. At age 3, I don't think that we need to discuss death or heaven or any of it, they are too young to process it and may end up being scared. I think a lovely story about where the dog went is fine for a child this age. If the child misses the dog, maybe she could draw a picture for it or something of the like.

I do understand what it's like to have a child who dwells on everything though, my son is the same way. He's very smart and he has a mind like a steel trap, never forgets anything. Just do what you think is right in your heart and you'll be okay.

Good Luck!

So sorry for your loss! We had to deal with this last February with our almost 3 and 4 year olds. Although my oldest is extremely sensitive, he/they handled much better than we ever expected. We explained that Tucker was very old (which he was actually a middle aged dog), We also told him that when dogs get old, they tend to get sick, but didn't stress the sick thing too much. We were afraid that he would think any time anyone was sick, they would die. Many articles that I read online stated that we shouldn't tell them that the animal went to Heaven. I disagree! This not only helped my boys, but really helped my husband and me. Something unintended also really helped them, stuffed animal puppy dogs. Both boys named theirs Tucker and they took them everywhere. They talked about Tucker's death more than once and each time had more questions, but in the end, the kids were more resilient than me :) Also, don't be afraid to show your emotions in front of the kids. We cried together and talked about how much we missed him That seemed to help everyone begin the heal. God Bless!

When I was 5 my dog Sarge got out of our yard and got lost. We looked everywhere even reporting the lost dog to the Humane Society Shelter and the police. I knew Sarge was dead about 4 days before we actually found out. I woke up everynite to see him walk from the darkness of the living room into the light of the hallway and disappear. I realized that he wasn't "real" and that he must be dead. I told my mom and she said "you were dreaming, we don't know where he is" A few days of this and we got a call from the Vet Clinic, apparently he got hit by a truck and the trucker felt terrible and took him to the vet's hoping the vet could trace the owners by the vaccination tags, he was dead and had been for about 4 days gone by. They finally tracked us down.
I was horribly sad, but already had some preparation for the bad news.
Three isn't too young to be told about death and the natural cycles of life and death. Although the manner of death may be too violent, so that might be withheld at this point. How about approaching it from the stance of Sophie being called home because she was getting very old and in pain and God being the loving God he is, released her from that.
Your daughter will grieve regardless, be prepared for her mourning the loss of Sophie at odd times, usually at bedtime is when it came up for us when pets die; but also just randomly sometimes.

Honest from the heart answer: please do not agonize over sharing with your daughter LIFE. As long as you approach LIFE's events with an accepting heart, then your daughter will learn to do so, too. She may be irrationally emotional now, but will eventually learn to model her responses on your own behavior.
If you try to shelter her from the truth, it only gets harder when she's older. We have always allowed our sons to attend family funerals. We answered all of the awkward questions. & yes, we had quite a few totally embarrassing moments. But, as a family, we dealt with it. As a result, our sons have never had issues over death. ...... on the other hand, our best friends still had not allowed their children to attend funerals, & by the age of 8 & 10...their daughters were sooo freaked over death that they could not even go to their Grandma's funeral. One of the girls was 16 before accepting death!

Soooo, honest answer: don't shelter your child. Let her blossom & grow, knowing that you trust her to deal with LIFE & that you are there to help her.

Sorry about your dog

I would tell her that she wanted to be with her mommy and daddy dog. As a mother of a 4 year old I no how upsettin this can be. We have to decide when we are goin to put our cat to sleep. She has always been our youngest boys cat even though we got another one. She use to sleep in his crib and would let me no everytime he cried. She has hyperthyrodism and its not far befor she will pass on. He always ask where our dogs mom and dad are so we figured that is what we would tell him when we have to put down!! Good luck.

I know your pain. In August we lost our dog Harley. She was an indoor dog and a part of our family! My children are older and knew that Harley was 16 years old and her health was declining but stil that does not make it any easier. You could just tell your daughter that the dog went to heaven, that god needed some help up there and go ahead and "open up that can of worms", maybe this would be a good time to an easier transition than with losing a family member, you know?

I am sorry to hear about the dog. I do think however that you need to tell her the truth. I would just explain to her that Sophie got out of the yard and the person driving the car didn't see her and she got hit. They are very sorry about hitting her. We took her to the Dr. but they couldn't fix her. She died and went to heaven. Heaven is a place in the sky where animals and people go when they die. Kids are so dang smart these days that I don't think we as parents need to lie to them. They understand more than we give them credit for. My almost 3 year old has been talking a lot about Jesus and where he lives and so we have been talking about Heaven because she wants to go there and see Jesus :). But they do understand more than we know and as a parent I think it is the best to be honest to them. However we have 2 kittens that she adores adn I don't know how I will tell her either. I just feel if you don't tell her now questions will arise later and then you will have to explain why you lied to her and didn't tell her about it. It just helps you out in the long run. Good luck and I hope things go well for you. That is never an easy thing to tell your child.

I am so sorry for your loss. Dogs area big part of a family. You loved your wonderful pet and Sophie ad a good life. You did the correct thing in not letting Sophie suffer. I have had to end a loving dog's life early due to cancer. I understand how hard this was.
My youngest was also 3. You have two very good ideas for death of a pet. I think both are good. A) do you want to talk about Heaven? Also the next time she gets sick she might be scared about dieing herself. or B) Doggy Mom and Dad and not returning. I would go with B). Children need very concrete things,they can see, in their lives. Your children understand loving parents who would really miss them. Sophie needing to be with her doggy parents would be on a three year old level.
Good luck with this really hard task.

Hi,

I just went through the same situation. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and we told him that our dog went to live with his doggy mommy and daddy. I did not want to get into the whole death discussion because he would not understand. I also did not want him to think that our dog ran away from him so we told him that he is living on a farm with his doggy mommy. He asks about his dog everyday but at least he is happy that our dog is with his mommy.

As hard as it is, your daughter needs to understand about life, and with life comes death. She needs the chance to mourn and feel those feelings to fully grow and develop as a person. I only say this, not in criticism for you in any way, but because I've read article after article in Mothering Magazine and other parenting magazines about kids who were traumatized by never being told about a favorite pet or relative who passed away...they were never given the natural right to know and mourn.

When we were dealing with the death of our dog years ago...our daughter was 4 at the time...a teacher of hers gave us a book called Lifetimes dealing with the different lifetimes of animals, bugs, people etc and it talks about it, in a non-religious way. If you had already dealt with the issue of heaven, that would be another approach available, but as you said, it would open up an even larger can of worms and best to just deal with the issue of death first. For the death of a person in their life, you can get a book called "Where's Grandpa?" about a young boy dealing with his grandfather's death, and it does a beautiful job of reconciling religious and non-religious perspectives to death.

Either way, saying the dog died because her lifetime was up and that the dog lives in her memories is a great way to start.

Hi A.,
I'm very sorry for your loss. It's very difficult losing a dear pet. And it's very difficult to sheild your children from your emotions as well.

When my daughter was 3.5 to 4 yrs old, we went through a 6month period where our dear neighbor died suddenly, our beloved dog died suddenly and our little friend who was 4 too, died suddenty.

Honestly, I didn't know how much more I could take, let alone my daughter. I called my work's EAP to get their advice on what to tell her. They said to call the children's librian at the library and explain the situation and ask for her help in choosing some books. I did, stopped by the library and got about 10 books. The EAP said to read them to her all week. After reading them the first round through, we talked about the death and I asked her if she had questions. The EAP had told me not to be surprised if she didn't at that momment (which was not like her), and she didn't. But later asked.

The EAP told me that as painful as all of this was, it is actually very good for children to learn about life cycles and death at a young age and it helps them get a better grip on life and death. (I can tell it did, I was in my late teens when I went to my first funeral and I was completely freaked out. My 5 year old does better than I do.)

We talked to her about heaven. We said we believe that in heaven all our aches, pains, age, illnesses are healed and you are happy, able to run and play all day.

This all happened in the winter/spring of 2006/2007. She still misses all of these people. Most especially our dog. She still cries for him from time to time. But she often talks about Zeus watching over her from heaven, bowling in heaven with the neighbor. And when our little friend died, she said Nathan will be fine because our neighbor and dog are already there waiting for him and will play with him. And that our dog would be happy because he would have another "4 years old" to play with.

So, it all worked out for how her little mind and heart would deal with it.

Children are amazingly resilient (spelling?).
We asked her if she wanted to draw a picture for our dog to send to heaven and we sent a picture of Emily and Zeus. That made her feel better.
You might try that. Basin our approach on the professional councilor's opions when I called really worked for us. It's not necessarily a good idea to not tell the truth, for one thing children know when their parents are upset, whether you hide it or not.
Best wishes and so sorry you're all going through this, it is very difficult.
K.