Seeking Advice on How to Talk with Daughter About Sex

Dear I.,
At this age I compared sex to a flower and how they reproduce. The flower has all the parts ovaries etc. This will not be embarassing. Later you can compare those parts to a person. You can get a book out of the library that shows the parts of the flower and how they reproduce. After all that is where they get the term "birds and the bees".
L. J

I have found talking to my son in the car works great. We don't have to look at each other, he can look out the window and talk without seeing my expressions or me seeing his and he can't walk away because we are in the car!

To the mom who thinks you need to be quiet --she is wrong, in my opinion, that is part of the problem with sexuality in our culture! Sex is depicted everywhere from movies to advertising and to most kids it seems their parents are not having sex. What kind of message is that? Sex is exciting in every way except when in a committed relationship --then it just disapears! So how many teens think marriage doesn't sound like much fun? Of course there are limits but when kids know that their parents have a healthy relationship and sexuality it is the best education their kids can get. I had a friend once who joked about how her sisters and she discussed sex when young teens and decided that their parents must have had sex at least 4 times, since they had 4 kids but did not figure that they ever did again--no signs of affection or sexuality between them ever. She felt it had warped their idea of marriage. So relax with your daughter--first there is no one "talk"--it is an ongoing learning process-pay attention to and look for learning moments. Dicussions in the car are always easier as other moms mentioned. My daughters have told me that though they were extremely embarrased when I talked to them about sex--they DID listen and it did effect how they felt about sex(they are all adults now)--so don't despair it is getting through. It is good that you are becoming aware of the need for this because at 11 it essential that you start these coverstaions because she is already thinking about sex and hearing about it--unless you keep your kids in a bubble they are going to.

Hello I.! First of all, I am almost 50 years old with 2 daughters (26 & 23) and a granddaughter (3 months old). I know what I say when I say it is time for you to tell your daughter that she is approaching adulthood and it is time you talk to her about adult things. Don't limit the talk to sex. Talk to her about everything, including how to manage a checkbook. The more you try to make her understand that you are training her to be an adult, the more she will listen to you and respect you. When she misbehaves, she needs to understand that she will be punished like an adult who misbehaves is punished. DO NOT TRY TO BE HER FRIEND! She has plenty of friends. Always tell her that if she wants to know the real poop, to come to you. As long as you don't sugar coat it and keep it as real as her age will let you, the questions will keep coming, as well as the respect you will crave when she is older. You are approaching the most trying times of your motherhood. Keep an open mind and pick your battles. Make sure that you trust your daughter on the little issues and gradually increase the trust as she shows her trustworthiness. Make sure she knows what you are basing your trust on. If she backslides (and she will), be supportive and understanding, but make sure she faces te consequences of her actions. This is very hard to stand firm, but do it. I don't know what your feelings are on birth control, but I always told my daughters that if they were even thinking about sex to let me know and I would arrange for them to be protected. My daughters did not have any sexual contact until at least 17 years of age. In this day and age, I consider that a feat. Please don't go into this with blinders on. I will guarentee you that your daughter knows of girls who are already sexually active. Take a proactive stance on this and you will fly through this with all your hair still on your head. Good luck! C.

A good resource for materials to use is Planned Parenthood. I also find it better to talk in the third person - as in "some people believe, or when I was in school, one of my classmates got pregnant at age 14..." I only use examples that are true. My classmate who became a mother way too young received no education about sex or birth control beyond knowing about her periods. Other classmates had parents who forbid them to be her friend any more. My mother, wisely, said that she needed my friendship now more than ever, and insisted I visit her and her newborn baby with some baby gifts, and hugs and a shoulder. This was more effective than a million lectures on sex. It told me that my mother would always be there for me and birth control was not something she would refuse me. Also that having a baby too young was not like playing with dolls. And that a friend is a friend in good times and bad.

I also often ask "What do you think?" questions. If you see something on TV that is contorversial, I ask my son what he thinks about it. And listen to his responses. For example, when Bristol Palin announced her pregnancy, we discussed what choices she made, could have made, etc.

I.,

There is alot of great advise from all your responses. I think it's been said, but the key is on-going conversation. It is not just one "talk" but keeping the subject at hand whenever an oppurtunity allows (tv, commercial, magazines, etc)and let it be casual. She may not join the conversation, but she is listening and hanging on every word. Sometimes it may be just a little side note to something you see or hear. Other times it may be in-depth, but just keep putting it out there and she will come to learn that it's ok to talk about sex! Good luck.

Hello it has been so long since our daughter was that age and i don't remember how I talked to here but I would start with her periods and let that digest but if she is a little bit inqusitive I would progress from there. My mother never told me about my periods and when I started I was scared to pieces. She never did mention 'sex' and when I got married I didn't know what the male body looked like. I had seen pictures but they didn't tell me anything. I know this hasn't helped your situation but it may help to be SURE you do talk to her. Also I would like to congratulate you on your finishing your schooling.

hey mama, i also have an 11 year old daughter....questions began around 4th grade, and now we are are talking about things like sexting! crazy! I have found it helpful to talk out to dinner or in the car...trying to follow her leads....we've talked about how sometimes when girls are looking for something from a parent, like approval or acceptance, they tend to seek it out in boys....and its not really fair for a young boy to be charged with making her happy or secure....besides...it will never ever work! we've talked about trust and communication and honesty....much more than birth control or diseases....i think it helps to explain that you are hear to help guide her along the way...some things are complicated on earth and things are more intense now with internet/cell phones etc.....there can be a gradual dance between independence and guidance....good luck mama.....

also really helps to have other owmen that she can be encouraged to talk with who wont judge...but can listen and help!

american girl body book is great for body changes...she can explore and ask what she wants!

Definitely keep the lines of communication open with your daughter, let her know you would rather she ask you questions re: sex and life than get that info from her friends. The "talk" is just really a series of conversations that start as our children grow. If there is some topic that comes up in the news or TV talk about it. Please whatever you do, when you talk to her about periods/ cycles don't hand her a medical book and tell her to read the part that you bookmarked. My mom did that and it's a wonder I ever got married to the wonderful guy I found.

the MORE you talk, the easier it gets

JUST yesterday we were talking to our 15 year old AGAIN about the subject of sex... she is more and more comfortable with it each time... still not really comfortable though. She admitted that she was glad that she can talk with us about it... I was impressed!

Just Do It!

There is no easy way to discuss sex with a child, especially one who doesn't want to discuss it with you. She has probably all ready seen the movie at school. When they sent home the paperwork on it did you take the time that evening to ask her about it? How she felt about viewing it at school? If not you and your husband missed out on a chance to be open with her, together.
My husband and I, like my parents did with my brother and I, sat down with each one of our children and discussed sex openly with them. We did not wait until they were even 10. My daughter had to start wearing a bra in third grade, developed early so we had to have the talk early. We did the same with my son by third grade. Neither child was embarassed or ashamed to ask either one of us questions or even to ask my parents questions. Maybe having pets in the house and them getting to witness the birth process when they were young helped, maybe my sister-in-law raising horses and goats and fowl helped too, I don't know. I wish my husband had lived long enough to discuss sex with the 11 year old boy I am raising now. I had to have my brother help me with him. I frankly think he knows more about sex today than I do, he sure knows some words I never heard before!!!
Good luck. But take the time to go shopping with her for bras, etc., go to lunch and ask her if she has any questions, if not, then let her know you are always available to talk to her about her feelings and sex when she does.

My daughter is 8 years old and we are starting to think about how to start talking to her about sex. It sounds like you have received a lot of pretty conservative answers on here. I think you do need to talk to her about what is happening and what will happen to her own body. That will transition into "the talk", perhaps not on the same day though. It seems like it should be an on-going discussion. Perhaps talking about her body the first day. Then approach her again in a few days to ask her if she has any questions about what you already talked then. That might be a good time to expand on what you have already talked about. I watched the Oprah too, that one of the other ladies mentioned here. There were several shows, actually, on the topic of sex and discussing it with children. I say be as open and honest as you can. Provide as much information as is age appropriate, which clearly varies from person to person. I would prefer that my daughter learn the correct terms and what things mean from me, rather than her friends!

For some reason this disturbs me. I could hear my parents sometimes, too, but I didn't really know what was going on. I agree with the woman who said to focus on monthly cycles. Make sure she understands her periods, or if she hasn't started them, what to expect, including PMS, skin breakouts, and the beginnings of "feelings" about boys. But I wouldn't watch TV shows or movies with her that show sex. She is too young to be watching media with adult themes. I am concerned about why you are so eager to talk about it so much with her. You said you have covered the basics, and now I would leave it up to her to ask questions. I would also try to keep it quiet with you and your husband. Your private sex life is not something she needs to hear through her wall. Perhaps there is another room she could sleep in? Read Elkin's The Hurried Child. It seems like you are hurrying her to think and talk about things she may not be ready for yet. Just let her be a kid!

At her age, I'd start with talk about her cycles and how they lend themselves to fertility. Get a book like "Your Fertility Signs" or "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" and teach her how she can read and interpret them so she knows what to expect each month. Right now, they will help you answer questions like, "why am I itchy for a couple days each month? What is that wet stuff in my underwear and why does it come and go?" It will later lend itself to fertility, sex, and safe sex.

I am all about explaining to my daughters about their body's and changes they will experience. But I tend to agree with the other lady when she wrote why rush it if you have explained the basics to her and have explained she can ask you anything i would leave it open and unless you see signs or hints she needs more direction then go from there. I also think that you and your husband being "loud" right next to her room is not helping you talk to her either. I recall hearing my parents and it was sooooo Embarrassing. Kids know if there parents love each other in other ways then just hearing them in the act.

I'm not sure if this will help at all, but I thought I'd share. I was recently reading an article about abstinence and what it actually means, for about 3/4's of teens it ONLY means actual intercourse. (thank you bill clinton, lol) So while talking about sex and your views and when it's ok to do so however you believe those things make sure you discuss the different types of sex and what is an isn't ok ect.

As for making her more comfortable try bringing it up while watching tv, sex is all over the television, or given your field use animals, my kids are 10, 8 and 6 two boys and a girl and we recently had kittens, they are also homeschooled and we recently talked about the life cycle. both were great opportunities for me to talk about sex without talking about sex.

Your duaghter mau never be 100% comfortable with it. However keep bringing it up and bear in mind that she is always listening. Last week there was an episode of oprah where they talked with two 14 year olds that thought they were ready for sex. Please watch it (you should be able to download it) and have your daughter watch it with you. They really looked at how men and women view sex and how different our views are.