Seeking Advice on How to Get Husband Involved in Discipline

My mother died when I was 6 years old. My father married several different times. Life without your mother is very difficult in itself. My advice to you would be to let her father handle her. I realize that you are his wife but she will end up hating you in the end. When a parent passes away I think it is a totally different situation then divorced. If they were divorced she could see her mother all the time. I am pretty sure that her dad feels sorry for her and that is why he is so laid back. All my stepmothers came and tried to take control and I hate everyone of them to this day!! I understand that it is hard to sit back and watch a child misbehave but you just need to tell her dad and let him take care of it. He will probably not do what you want him to do but it is his child. Think about it if she were yours and you died, how would you want her treated?

P., it sounds like you've got a very frustrating situation going on there. I applaud you for trying to enforce rules and consequences on your step daughter. Stability and structure are what children need to feel loved. Even though she may not like a punishment that you have to dish out, she'll reap the benefits later from having known where her boundaries are.
I would suggest family counselling. It sounds as though the child needs some counseling to get through some frustration of her own, and you and your husband need to be on the same page. There should be an agreement of what is the goal in raising her and what behaviors are not to be tolerated by either of you with consequences to match.
(ie: if she stomps off while you're speaking to her, her punishment is to have her put her nose on the wall for 6 minutes..... or if she doesn't pick up her toys, then she gets to give you her favorite toy for you to hold onto until she earns it back with x amount of days of her cleaning up her toys)
You two ought to step back and think about what kind of person you two want this little girl to become when she gets older. Do you want her hitting you in a fit of rage because you told her that she should have been in at 9 instead of 11? Or do you want a daughter who will remember the consequences that are outlined by you two and call if she'll be a few minutes late?
Anyway, counselling does a world of good and it can help bridge the communication issues that are obviously there.
It's because you love him and her that you are looking for options. If you didn't care, you would have thrown your towel in and just let her run around like a wild child.
Good luck, I feel that you are on the right track.

P. V.,

My advise is to talk to your husband and have him realize that the only person that will be afected sooner or later is the child; if he continues letting her do what ever is in her mind she could become a selfish girl or worst, it will come a day that she is gonna loose respect for both of you. I hope my advice will help you in some way.

I think that you are right to expect her to be respectful and in my personal opinion you should let your husband know how it makes you feel that you are, for all intents and purposes, this childs mother and he won't let you discipline her. Just because you didn't give birth to her doesn't mean that you can't discipline her. I am also a stay at home mom and have a somewhat different problem with my hubby and the discipline issue. I hope everything works out for you and your hubby.

I agree with Angie on the calmness and keeping it simple. My husband and I have to work together constantly to make sure we are on the same page concerning discipline. It simply won't work unless the two of you back each other up. I am sure your husband wants what is best for your step daughter/his daughter but he may be stubborn to change his "method". It should be obvious to him that maybe what worked before, is not working now. (I doubt it worked back then either). We have found a book called Parenting with Love and Logic (find the updated version) very helpful. My husband and I have to have little "meetings" and go over techniques and such, even if it's just a few minutes. Kind of rejuvinates us too, for the next round, ya know?
Best wishes.

Have you thought about setting down with your husband and discussing yalls views on raising children? You two need to be on the same page....or at least in the same chapter before things will work. You cannot expect him to give up all his views and take on all yours and vis versa. First you two compromise, then you two together telling her one thing will get through alot easier.

i have two daughters from a previous marriage and when i got remarried my girls were very young..my husband ( of 9 years) has always said to them when thery were acting up..' i do not think your mom would like what your doing. lets try doing something else and see if she likes this new way" example if they were jumping on the bed he would tell them " mom would not like this" lets see if maybe we can help her by making the bed' he would always be calm and speak to them liek an adult, this way they new i did not lik ewhat they were doing and it also tought them how to change it..

I think you should try to be a friend first before being a mother. I am divorced and my ex remarried. My daughters'(two of my daughters) stepmom became their friend first. The first thing she told them was that she is not here to replace me. She is here to help them and advice them on what ever they need. I know it will be hard but you should start off being her friend first. Let your husband do the discipling. If she disrespects you, tell your husband and he should handle it correctly. My ex husband disciplines my girls not their stepmom and they have a great relationship with her. I am also remarried. My husband does not discipline either. If he ever has a problem with my girls, he tells me. He doesn't ever yell at them. I handle the problem not him. My girls have a good relationship with him also. You should direct all problems concerning her to him and not the child. You may not agree but you should step aside and let him raise her. Now when you start having children together, that will be when you should have a say so in what happens. If you step aside when it comes to his daughter, your husband just might surprise you and start asking you on advice about little girls.

Without his support, your boat is dead in the water. I hope that you have some moral support. Maybe someone you know he trusts can help you do something like an intervention to discuss his daughters lack of respect. You can't be the only one that sees it and is worried about it. I know her teachers have to be concerned about it. I next suggest that you get into some couple's therapy. You need to work on your differences to find a common ground for the two of you to stand on. next I highly recommend that you contact a behavior specialist. I know a good one if you want to get the name, email me privately. It has made a tremendous difference for us though we have other issues. I can't help but believe it would not help you. You have to gain control of the situation before she gets any older or you will be unable to. You can respect that you both have differences in rearing children but you have to find a common way of raising his daughter or you won't have an easy road ahead of you.

If you would like the name of the specialist email me privately at

____@____.com

Good luck,
C.

My father died when I was 11 yrs old, and my mother remarried 2 years later. It was a horrible experience for me, and I lashed out for years. We did not attend any kind of family counseling at all. I am now 35 yrs old, and it effects me still to this day. This is an issue for family counseling. Per the advice of many successful blended family couples: You cannot discipline your step child until you gain her trust. This could take years, depending upon your patience & upon the quantity of time you dedicate to nurturing her. Until you gain that trust, the biological parent must be the only disciplinarian. If the 2 of you cannot compromise & agree on the rules, then that is an issue that needs to be addressed in marriage counseling. Remember.... she did not choose you. Her dad chose you. She needs lots & lots of time to develop a desire to have a relationship with you. She must first get beyond the feeling that she & her dad are betraying her mom by allowing you into their lives. If, during the process, you allow your frustration to show, it will be a big set-back for her. Think of it as taking on the task of trying to hand-feed a wild squirell. You have to be consistent & patient & TRUSTWORTHY. Continue to seek wise counsel until your little girl is grown and living on her own. Mobberly Baptist Church in Longview, TX is developing a Blended Families ministry, and is holding a 1-hour class during regular Sunday School hours on Nov. 12th.
You can either choose the 9:30 class or the 10:45 class. If you think you might attend, call them & ask for specifics on where to go, etc. Their # is ###-###-####. Childcare is provided during the classes. Terri Clark will be the speaker that day. You & your husband could gain LOADS of wisdom from her!
Read the following books for blended families:
Tying the Family Knot by Terri Clark
and The Smart Step Family by Ron Deal.
And visit this website: http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/