Seeking Advice in Marriage Seperation

Hi C.,

I've been through exactly what you've been going through. I married my husband in less then a six months of really knowing him. I met him in January, he went away to boot camp w/ the army for 20 weeks in February, he came home in June and we got married in August. It was pretty hard. I got preganant right away, just like you. If you want to talk, please email me. I know what you're going through, because right when he came back from basic, the jealousy kicked in. My email is ____@____.com're still together now because we both decided to work through this. And now we have another son. It's been almost three years. :-) V.

I agree you should try to work things out with your husband - not just b/c you son but for you if you really do love him. Two things I will say 1. is you can't force anyone to love and stay with you & 2. It sounds ike your putting alot of the responsiblity on yourself. Its great to acknowledge whatever your shortcomings are however it takes 2 to make a marriage work. My husband and I do marriage couseling if you need some more advice feel free to message me.

Jealousy can reach extremes that are not signs of romatic love, but of a metal disorder. I can`t tell from your description whether this is the main basis of your problems, but have a look at this article to learn more http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19920301-000032.html

Otherwise, if he wants out, nothing you can do will make him stay. If he wants in, you have a chance. Call a counselor NOW and see if he is willing to go with you. If not, go yourself.

Hi C.,

I am sorry you are having a tough time in your marriage. It sounds very much like you want your son to grow up in a wonderful family, and it would be great if your husband could commit to the same. Would he be willing to try counselling and would that help? Sometimes it can be tough when you get married and have a baby at the same time, you are so focused on preparing for baby, becoming parents ... but you still need to define your marriage and relationship too!

That said, if you husband walks out and leaves you and your son every time something bothers him, this is not a good way to raise a child, and your child would actually be better off without married parents rather than constantly in fear of when dad will abandon him again.

As much as you would like for your marriage to be successful, your husband has to want the same. NO matter what you are willing to do to make your marriage work, you cannot change him, so you can only control half of this situation.

Good luck, I hope things work out for you and your son to have a happy life.

Hi C.,

I am so sorry to hear of your marriage troubles. although I can not speak from experience and have not had to deal with what you are going through, I would not give up so quickly. fight for your marriage for your self and especially for your son. Do you think you could talk your husband into a weekend away conference? check out this website, where many marriages have been saved. www.familylife.com they have a 2 day conference called a weekend to remember, plus a lot of valuable info on their website.

I wish you the best and hope everything works out for you and your son.

W.

I think it's always important to try to hold on to your marriage when there is a child involved. However, if you are the only one trying, then you should probably work on making your life better as a single Mom for the sake of your son. If your Husband doesn't share the same desire to reconcile, then it usually won't work.
Additionally, it's hard to have a marriage with distrust. And why would he make you throw out pictures and memories of old relationships? Those are your memories of your whole life. I have so many pictures and other items from past relationships, as does my husband. He still has a collage of pictures on his wall in his old bedroom with some pictures of his ex-girlfriend in it. WHO CARES!!!! It's only about your relationship now, not what happened in the past.
You are not a failure. You are trying your best. If he eventually decided he wants to be with you, you should set him straight. He needs to trust you first and foremost if the relationship will last. Otherwise you will end p exactly where you are now in a month, a year, 5 yrs. It will always happen again and again.
Good Luck!!!

I understand where you are coming from. My husband and I were the same way, except we were marred 6 yrs and have 2 boys. The most important thing I have to say is you are NOT a failure. It is not your job, alone, to keep the family or marriage together. It takes two!! I often beat myself up, especially when my son cries for his dad, but I didnt cause the breakup. I left him, but it was because he wasnt standing up to the position of father or husband. You are not a failure.

You need to have a heart to heart with your man. No screaming, no yelling. Sit him down and tell him what's on your mind and in your heart. Tell him what you want and all your expectations, make yourself crystal clear. Then ask him what he wants and ask him to be honest and sincere. Before you fight for what you want, make sure he wants it too or else it will all be a waste of time. From what you describe, he wants nothing but out. When a man picks fights for no reason and up and leaves because you have a box of ex boyfriend stuff.....he wants out and just doesn't know how to own up to what he's feeling. This is why the conversation is so blah when you do talk......he has no idea how to adress the "pink elephant in the room", so he just acts as if nothing. Remember, you can't make anyone love you or fight for something they don't want, so have that heart to heart talk. Also remember that it's never a good idea to stay together just for the children. As adults we forget that they sit by and watch everything and if you both don't get along, your son will be the one to pick up on the bad energy and will just come to know you 2 as angry. Sit and talk to your husband and be prepared for whatever may come. I wish you all the luck.

I am sorry to hear of your troubles. It sounds to me that your husband has some issues he has to address that you are in way responsible for. I may be jumping but he seems to be controlling and may become more abusive over time if he does not seek help. If you ever have feared for your safety I say consider moving on until he can get help. I don't know what else I can offer since I have such little information. There are so many things to consider.

Hey, C., you can't make someone love or appreciate you. I am divorcing and though I still get glimpses of the love I feel for my son's daddy, I can't fix what's broke all by myself. It is very painful, and I feel like I will never be able to trust someone again--but that is a normal response to the situation.
So, you can't push a rope. If after a while he still doesn't express interest in trying again, you must move on. You are not a failure--you have tried to make it work. Make it clear that you would like to work on it with him (in a calm, welcoming fashion) but he has to tell you that is what HE wants, too. If he doesn't--you tried, it didn't work, move on.

Hey C.,
I agree with Wendy K and the family life conference....When I was about 4 months pregnant and only married for 4 years my husband and I were having issues....we went as a group with others from my church to this conference in New Jersey...It was great....you have to prepare yourself mentally for this as it isnt a one on one counselor that helps each person/couple individually....they give you great tips, the men and women break up into seperate groups with speakers and then you are given things to do with your spouse each night...one night they do a date night...you have to go out somewhere and then complete the "homework" you are given...its fun homework....I can say that my husband and I learned alot about each other...things that we thought we knew but didnt...and we have been together for 15 years....I would definitely recommend this conference!!
Meg :)

C., your life has changed in MAJOR ways in the past year. Being a new wife alone is challenging but adding a newborn into the mix is a strain on couples that have even been married for years. This might sound silly, but it sounds like he is mentally and/or emotionally exhausted. During the first few months after my daughter was born, my husband could barely function in the marriage. He is now, 11 months later, the most doting, loving dad and husband that you could ever meet, but those first few months had us both wondering if we wanted to be together. Get a sitter, plan an evening out of the house with your husband and talk--lay it out there and get honest with each other. Hope it helps.

hey C., let me just start by telling you how sorry I am that you are going thur this... But do you really think you can make this work ..... If you think it can I would tell you go for it go get your husband girl : ), you guys should try marriage conseling. Good luck

If you are not cheating (mentally or physically) then there is nothing that YOU can do. Your husband has insecurities that He has to work through, and then the two of you can come together and work through your issues.

Fight. You made a decision and you need to fight to make it work.

Hi C.
I'm going through something like you, my husband and I been married for almost 8 years and for almost a year now we've been living in the same house but separated and we have 3 kids(ages 14, 6, and 3). I started praying!! I went into prayer to see what was the Lord's will for my marriage and now we can speak, laugh and, sit around each other without getting into an argument. The question I have for you is-Do you think it's worth fighting for? If you do, I say fight and fight hard. It's not going to be easy and it's not going to turn around fast, but with pray and fasting you will start to see some changes. If you would like to know more, don't hesitate to contact me at C-###-###-#### or H-###-###-####. T. R