Seeking Advice "How to Encourage a Child Who Is Shy to Have Friends Over"

My son was/is the exactly the same way. He is 24yrs old and would rather spend time with his family. I never pushed the issue and there was only one friend that came over a few times a year. My son never had a problem with rebellion and understands his role as an integral part of the family and society at large. Some folks just do not need social interactions like others. I am extremely social and he is not.
BTW: He started his own business at 15yrs old and has no social problems or trouble dealing with people, but does prefer to be with family.

Do not force or push him to do things that are not part of his makeup as a person. Like someone else said, he will have plenty of his own memories!

Hi Kim,
I would suggest you have him invite one or two friends,,set up yourself with another parent, have them ask you to babysit or something. My son is shy and would have one or two friends over,, and have movie nights all the time,cause I wanted to know who his friends are and who is he is hanging with and who his parents are. He is only 11, my son is 16 now and rebellious doing things I don;t want him too but, I have an edge cause I do know all his friends and I call and find out where he is and such, and the other parents we all are snoop on each others children, the teen years are not fun, but if you know where your kids heart is,and my son is a follower right now and trying to find his niche. I pray that he will come back to the fold of his good friends. I am a single mom, so I do understand,
Maybe have a party of adults and have them bring their kids too that he hangs with, ask for your teachers help. Plus I also feel if a kid has one or two good friends that is good, too many and its too many complications. Of maybe your husband can do something with him and he can invite one friend, have a guys night out or day, fishing, a burger joint, do the guy thing

Best Wishes
T.

Hi Kim:

You might try to have him invite school friends over to study, or work on group projects..this way, it keeps him with doing something he seems to be more comfortable with and he will soon find out that he can handle social situations...also, i am still a believer that it will happen in his own time but it has to be his own time...and when it does, you'll be the one who isnt ready :):). hope it helps.
S.

I was just reading over some of the responses to your question, and I think there a lot of great replies. I just want to agree emphatically with the mom's who suggested you break the ice by arranging the event with a parent first. I agree, as a former shy child left to her own devices, that sometimes kids need a little nudge or help in the right direction.

I would suggest you find a mom from your son's class and make friends with her. suggest that you'll "babysit" her son and she'll "babysit" yours so you can both have an evening out like once a month.

We just moved and my son is kind of shy with his new class mates. I encouraged him to invite kids by phone or at school, but he wouldn't do it because he is too shy. I finally asked him if he wanted me to call the kid's mom and see if the boy wants to come for a playdate. He was happy that I did the first call, and now things are easing up.
But I like a lot of the other ideas, and will try out some of them for our family.

I was a shy kid and my mother forced a play date that I still remember as absolute agony. But I think it would have worked better had Mom made friends with another mom of a kid my age and invited *her* over. Oh yeah, and the kid too.

But I am interested in the idea that your son might be missing out on fun times by being with his family. I do understand what you mean--playing with other kids is some of the great stuff of childhood. On the other hand, there are so many ways to build great memories...and possibly your son's choices will build the best memories of all.

If he wants to be with you all the time try including a friend from school and an activity with you. Maybe he will feel more confident if your around. Trip to the movies or park or even playing games at home. Hide and seek is always more fun with more players. Try volunteering for a field trip that his class goes on so you can get to know his friends and help boost his confidence, if his friends like you they will want to always come to your house. Good luck, they usually come in to their own at their own pace though.

I was a shy kid (60 years ago!) who didn't ask anyone from school to come over, except once, when I got up the nerve to ask a boy I had a crush on to come over, on our daily walk home from school. "To do what?" he asked. "Oh, nothing much - just play, I guess," I said, taken by surprise without a plan. "Well, I guess not," he answered, and went to his own house as usual.
Actually, I was a lot happier to relax with my brother and his friends, than I would have been with the challenge of entertaining anybody I would have to face in school the next day.
My point in writing this is to say that in spite of this unpromising start (which worried my mother, just as it concerns you), I found, when I went to a very small high school, that I could get to know my classmates well enough to hang out at their houses and have them come over to mine. I'm sure this was partly my own maturity finally kicking in; but the intimacy of the little school, where every student was known and valued for his particular contributions, was very important.
When I went away to college, I was able to draw upon that experience and take advantage of all the opportunities to be outgoing - performing arts, even! - and make as many friends as I could possibly keep up with.
So my advice is first, Don't worry too much about it at this stage, and second, Consider an occasional organized activity with your son, let's say, a trip to a science museum or a show of some kind, and suggest that he invite one friend who would be particularly interested in doing that. This would give the event the safety of your being there, and the structure of an activity where the focus wouldn't be directly on him.
Good luck! R. L.

K., Kudos to you for recognizing a potential problem. At 11, I assume your son is in Middle School, a tough place for sure. With regard to making friends, "letting them come to it on their own" is like expecting a baby to learn to speak with no one talking to them, it's a learned skill. There are social tools and norms to learn. Some people pick up on it faster than others but it is not "in" us, we are taught. You are so right to begin addressing this now.
I also have a socially reluctant 12 year old boy, here's whats working so far. Find out who your son eats with at lunch, who he enjoys doing in-class projects with, who he gravitates towards in gym. Ask his teachers for this information too. Then plan a few short outings,(pizza & movie/ 2 hours of bowling / sporting event or performance at your local high school). TELL your son a few days before, "we are going to do something fun Friday night, who would you like to invite to come along, how about(insert child's name here)". Then have your son chose the friend, practice how to make the phone call, invite new friend and off you go. It takes a little while to find just that right group of buddies. Friendships are built around shared experiences and your son needs more than school to do that.
You seemed to be worried about convincing him of the benefits of making social connections. You really don't need to sell him on the idea, he is still a child learning. The benifits will make themselves apparent as your son makes stronger connections with his peers. You just need to give him the tools and show him how to use them. Best of luck!

Hi Kim,

Boys tend to be a little behind on the social thing. Ask him if he would like to do a movie or bowling and then have him invite a friend/s. My boys tend to gravitate towards the same group of friends. Get to know the parents and that way you can feel comfortable when he goys over their house. I have done a bunch of stuff with "the boys" including rock climbing, skiing, bowling, movies, even trips to Gamestop to check out the newest video games. It always easier for them if they have a plan for something to do first. Good luck.

there maybe something in the house or someone he is embarssed of.? Shyness is a sign of underline issues..please look into this with a professional if he does not talk to you of why he does'nt want any friends over make sure you follow up with someone who has delt with these issues..

Maybe try something outside of the house first, like an all boy trip to the arcade, sports event, water park or go carts. Maybe once he becomes more comfortable with his friends outside of school, he'll feel comfortable to invite them into HIS home. This may be his kingdom at this point and may not wish to share it. Maybe your male friend can play a role and make it a male bonding event for the two of them as well. Little boys somehow assume the role of :" man of the house ", even though it is never said or implied to them. They just do. My son is 24 with two kids of his own now, he didn't want any males invading his " space ". Good luck and God bless. L.

K., Maybe invite a friend with your son to an activity. A musuem, sporting event, out to lunch.. any kids activity to alow him to have the playdate but not feel like he has to entertain the child at his house. Also if you have a playdate at your house.. have it be short and have a purpose. Maybe for an hour and to do something. Create some arts and craft project etc. This may help to ease your son into the interaction with his friend.