Seeking Advice About Dating

Don't live with him - he's not going to commit when he has everything he wants w/o it! Move on & enjoy the kids while they are still around. It'll happen when the time is right!

"Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free?"
Yeah, it's a cliche, but you know what it means.

Did you move in with him knowing that he was not interested in marriage? (I am assuming from what I read that he's not wanting to marry.)

Living together is a commitment, though not technically a legal one (common-law marriage not withstanding). And anyway, a man can leave just as surely when you're married as when you are not. So is this just something you NEED to pacify yourself?

Why are you with this man? You really need to think about this in depth. If he is filling a void in your life, that is never good.

You should be complete without anyone else needing to be there. You are the only person you know will be with you until the day you die. Learn to love yourself unconditionally. Raise your expectations and your standards. If you want to marry this particular man because he's that important to you on a very deep level, great!

Dr. Phil and Robin had to be apart before he pulled his head outta his booty, too. She told him flat out, "I want to get married. If you don't that's fine, but I am leaving. If you decide that you want to marry me, you can come back, and if I'm available, then we'll see what happens."
And she left him.

He, needless to say, realized how wonderful she was and decided that he wanted to marry her. She was that important to him. He went back. She was single... yadda yadda yadda...

Point is, don't be afraid of reaching for exactly what you want, just make sure that it really is what you want and it's for the right reasons.

Fear of being alone is not reason to date. It is reason to do a reality check of yourself and figure out what you need to fix in order to be happy with you and only you.

Companionship is really wonderful, but parasitic relationships are not. Most men will run away screaming from a woman who has a hole that needs to be filled. Don't be mistaken for that woman -- you're better than that!

A couple of things you said raise seem like important issues for you to consider. First, you mentioned being tired by the relationship you are currently in. Secondly, you said that your daughter is your best friend. I am worried that you might be using your daughter as an emotional crutch, to get from her what you don't from your boyfriend. Dating should reflect two like-minded people coming together in mutual agreement to share their lives. It sounds like you should really figure out what you value and strive for that. Don't feel guilty about wanting to be with someone, though. Everyone wants love of some kind.

Sweetie, you deserve so much more. You deserve to have someone commit to you the way that you need. Either talk about it with your boyfriend or move on. You will be happier with yourself in the long run. Best of luck to you :)

Hi L.,

It seems to me, and of course, I am a stranger looking in, not knowing all of the facts, but it seems to me that you could look at this a couple of ways.

1) He has already committed in one way, since he is living together with you and your children. If you are sharing your finances as well as your home together, that is also a commitment.

2) Why should he marry you when he already has everything from you except the marriage certificate?

3) You apparently do not really want to spend the rest of your life with this man, since you allowed him to move in with you, knowing he isn't interested in getting married. Subconsciously, you likely do not want to marry him, or you would have insisted upon that before moving in together.

4) It isn't fair to your children to have a man move in who isn't willing to marry their mother, and then AFTER agreeing to moving in together, suddenly it's marriage or nothing. That should have been done at the beginning. Now your kids are used to having this man in the house, living together, which can be very scary for young children (believe me, I know), and you now want to further mess with their heads by saying marriage or move out. It's confusing and doesn't set a good example for them.

5) If this man treats you and your children well, and your kids feel safe with him, and you love him, what really is that marriage certificate going to do? If you want to legally inherit should he die, he can always make a will. He can get life insurance with you or the children as the beneficiary. You don't have to lose everything if something should happen to him.

6) If you push him with an ultimatum of marriage or move out, he will probably move out, because you can't change someone, and if he moved in without marriage, and you try to force him into it, he is probably going to run. If he gives in and marries you, he will forever resent you for forcing him to choose.

7) As far as growing old alone, you don't have to do that, anyway. I was reading the marriage news in local paper yesterday, and guess what? A 71 year old man and a 71 year old woman just got married. Life and love don't stop simply because you get older. There will always be someone out there for you, you simply have to be open to the possibilities.

I hope even just a little of this helps you. In the end, only you can decide what's best for yourself and your children. Just don't ever make the mistake my own mother made, by choosing financial security and companionship over the health and well-being of her children. ALWAYS put your kids first. They deserve only the best in life. Once they are off in college, you will still have plenty of time left to find your special someone, if the man you are with isn't already the one.

Whatever you decide to do, please, if your man moves out, don't bring another one into the home unless you are really in it for the long haul. It is emotionally draining on the children. My own mother was married 3 times, and my father 2. It is very difficult for children to go through that constant upheaval.

Good luck and take care!

L., I don't for a moment like the thought of being alone. What a scary thought that is. I'm sorry you are going through this.

The thing that struck me, though, in your question, is that this man has no need to commit! Why should he buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free? This is a problem!

Many moms find that a supportive church, synagogue or other group is immeasurably helpful during times like this.

Think for a moment about your precious daughter. Let's say she came to you and said, "Mom, I love Bob. I would like to spend my life with him. But all he seems to care about is that I provide him with companionship/shelter/**x/dinner." What would you say to her?

If you're looking for a long-term committed relationship, and he has made it clear that he is not, then you answered your own question.

My heart goes to you. You're a strong and capable woman and are going to be ok no matter what path you choose.

Hi L. C.

I am sorry to hear you are in such a position. There is one thing that I have learned in my relationships with men and that is they are creatures of habit. If you allow such a thing to occur he will exploit it to the fullest. You need to put out what you expect out of a relationship in the beginning and except no less. This is one thing I believe is wrong with a lot of today's relationships. It takes a strong woman to make a strong man, otherwise they will be boys for the rest of their lives. Take the step and demand this. It is worth it. If he loves you truely, he will change in order to be with you. It may even take separation for him to realize this. If he does not come around, he is not worth the effort and you will always be giving more than you are receiving. If this is the life you are willing to live with then that is okay. But realize if you choose this path you cannot complain because you will be accepting less than what you want. Go in with eyes wide open! Do not fool yourself into thinking that you can change him or that something magical will happen and he will change himself. I wish you the best of luck and all the strength you need to deal with such a situation.

Well, I guess my biggest question is, is he helping to support you and your children? Is it his house or yours? If you are living with him, he is already "committed", so I take it you are thinking marriage and he is not. What is his reasoning for not getting married?

Basically my best advice to you would be to make a pros/cons list. List the pros and cons of remaining in your current situation and then list the pros and cons of moving on, removing this man from your life.

I am not "old fashioned" I don't have anything against living with someone but I think that should be a step toward marriage, not the final step in the relationship.

L.,
I understand where you are coming from. Listen, you have to do what makes you and your children happy. If that is something that you dont want then dont keep it. Your children are growing closer to him everyday. You have daughters and they see and feel your stresses everyday. Our children mimic us in all that we do. Once you love yourself find out what makes you happy then all is well. Think about it and pray and God will show up. Good luck. All will turn out just fine...
THE JOYS OF LIFE COMES FROM THE INSIDE. Dont condem yourself in a relationship that you dont want. If he dont make you happy find out what does.

Sounds like you need some self-esteem! Don't be afraid to be alone. When the right one comes along, you'll know. And it sounds like this isn't the right one for you. As some others have said, it sounds like you are selling yourself short. Believe in yourself and know that you can make it in this world without a man in your life. You need to make some friends if you don't have any and use them and God as your support system. PLEASE DO NOT TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER ABOUT YOUR BOYFRIEND! You may feel like she is your best friend, but she may not think so. If she tells you that, she just doesn't want to hurt your feelings. My parents divorced when I was 20, and my mom started confiding in me about different things and asking for my opinion. I know she felt lost, alone and scared at the time, but I was not the person to give advice! Children do not need to know about things like that and from experience I can tell you that they don't WANT to know about those things (ex. a parent's love life or lack thereof). Concentrate on your children and yourself right now and kick that man to the curb! I think that the fact you are asking us for advice about it and questioning your relationship with him should tell you what you already know! That's your gut (and God) telling you what you need to do, so listen to it(and him)! You are still young!! Haven't you read all those articles about the new definition of "sexy"! It's not just or always what's on the outside for men these days, they want a woman who is confident, self-assured and knows what she wants out of life. Most men don't want dependent women. Go get a massage, manicure, pedicure and get your hair done and you'll feel so much better about yourself! Be strong and good luck! Oh, and SMILE ;)!!!! I can tell you were not smiling! Are you now?!!! :) Okay, enough pep talk for today! Get back to work! :)