Seeking Advice About a Friend

How very nice of you! If it has been that long and you have not heard from her at all, I would assume the relationship is over, for whatever reason. Unless you really want to remain friends with her (I don't know that I would, after how she treated you), I would just be done with her. If you want to keep in touch with her, I would call and see how they are doing, let her know you have been thinking about her and hoping they are ok.
S.

Personal crisis comes with embarrassment for most women with children. I would assume that she is having trouble sorting through her feelings of inferiority in the face of your stable, easier-than-hers life. Not having a place to live and the money to handle your own problems is embarrassing - I've been there.

Let it go and give thanks for the stability of your own life. Being grateful for having the opportunity to help someone in need is the gift you can take from this. While her "thank you" and follow-up would be nice, she may not be feeling good enough about herself to accommodate you.

Give thanks today and know that someday, someone will do the same for you BUT that you will have this experience to inform your decision to be more generous and grateful in return.

In life so far I have learned that giving is its own reward; you can't be responsible for someone else's expectations (unless they are your children); people in your life probably take you for granted even though they shouldn't. I think you were being the 'change that you want to see in this world' by helping that friend...continue being the way you are, it does not come easy to most other people out there.

B. -- Let it go. It's not bothering her -- only you. She was/is inconsiderate and rude. You can take that into account (or not) next time she wants to socialize. On the other hand, did you let her know that that behavior bothered you while she was still in your house and could have mended her ways? If not, then the ball is partially in your court too. Good luck -- L.

B., Some People just don't get it. I have family memebers who don't understand what clean means. I am sure the same thing would happen to me if I allowed them to stay a week or so. I love them but I now when I go over there or they visit ect. I expect chaos and messes from them. Now you know what to expect from your friend. And now you can decide if you want to be part of her life and reach out for another attempt at friendship or let it/her go. Good luck.

I think that if you did it as a favor expecting something in return, you probably should approach her to get her to realize what a sacrifice you made, but if you meerly did it to help her as a gift, then you probably should expect nothing in return. I always have a hard time with things like this myself and want to atleast feel appreciated, but if we do something out of Pure love as a gift we truly can expect nothing in return.

B.,
Thank you for helping your friend when she needed help. I believe that the universe will send good things your way because you sent good things into the universe. I hope that your disappointment in how your friend treated you won't prevent you from doing what you feel is right next time you encounter someone who needs help. If you are a reader you might want to read a book called The Four Agreements which helped me avoid my disappointments when someone else didn't do what I thought they should do.

B., I can identify with you. Several times my husband and I have helped others out. Even the best of friends "change" once you are under the same roof. The thing you need to focus on, especially if this has been eating on you for months, is: Did you help her from your heart, or for the thanks? See it is not how others react to our deeds that matters, it is the deeds we do without a reward that bless our hearts. You did a good thing!! If you can just call her to say, "Hi, How do you like your apartment", and continue to be a friend...We can never have too many!

Hi, B.. You know, I wouldn't approach her about it. Just keep on loving her.

I know it is frustrating when people appear unappreciative, especially when you have sacrificed. But I am a strong believer in giving without expecting ANYTHING in return, even more so in the case of a friend. (And that's not to say that you don't use wisdom in how you give.) I have found that if you give or loan, and expect a payback, you may be disappointed, and it can strain your friendship because it's all one ends up thinking about. But if you did it because you wanted to bless her and help her out, then you won't be upset because she didn't thank you. Jesus talked about storing up for yourself treasures in Heaven; I think what you did is just that. I don't know where you are spiritually, but I do believe that the Lord has seen your good deed, and is pleased. And He always gives back more than we give ourselves, especially when we do these things to glorify Him.

I think you did a wonderful thing, B.. We live in a country where there is so much affluence and so many do so little. You are a good example of the kind of person to be when one's friends are in need.

God bless!

This is obviously an emotional thing for you, and that is understandable. You took her into your house and wanted to help her child. You did that to be a good friend, but the person you let into your home does not know how to be a good friend. You say she has been a friend for years, but I would ask you if she has acted this way for years? I can't imagine putting up with this kind of behavior for a long time. Was her attitude just a reaction to her losing her house? I don't know the circumstances, but could her pride have been bruised?
Maybe she was embarassed to be in the situation where she didn't have a home anymore? Not sure.
I guess I see two options, either face it, or forgive it. Either talk to her and tell her how you feel (which would be a great solution if you wanted to keep her as your friend) or say to yourself (she has not acted that way before, and she hasn't acted that way since so I'm going to let it go.) Either of those will get it off of your chest and hopefully keep her as a friend, if that is what you want.
If this is the way she normally acts, I think you are asking for permission to let her go, which you don't need from anyone. Walk away and find another friend.
Figure out what is most important. My Gramma always used to say "pick your fight, then pick your weapon." Do you want her as a friend, or not? Is it worth a confrontation, or would you rather sweep it under the rug? Is she important enough to you that you want to be honest with her, or would you just as soon let her slip away? Make those decisions, and then go for it.
Good luck. I think you are pretty cool for letting her into your home in the first place. You are the kind of friend that I would love to have. Don't let her attitude stop you from doing good in the future. You helped her, whether she appreciated it or not.

It's a very awkward situation. I did this with my SIL & her son. They satyed with my husband & 2 kids for over 3 months after she found her husband cheating on her. Of course, we felt offer and offered her our basement to stay. It had a bedroom & living area in it. They didn't help out at all around the house, they didn't offer to pay for anything. They didn't pick up after themselves. She tried playing mom to my kids, it was the worst couple of months. We used to be really good friends up unitl that moment. And to nbe quite frank, we have't been as good of friends since then. I felt as though we were taken advantage of. She borrowed money from us, we paid for her meds becasue she couldn't afford it. It was tough.

My husband is somewhat of a softy though and lets his family walk all over him. Needless to say, he got all the thanks. I didn't get any. I was the one that picked up after them.
Perhaps it was my fault for not saying anything "at that time". It has been well over 15 years and I still feel a little upset about the whole ordeal, but I can certainly understand your frustration! Go with what your gut says. Perhaps call her and ask how she's doing. Maybe it will leave the door open for her to say, thanks. You never know unless you call her. And if she doesn't I would move on. It's easier to not waste energy on that stuff. Better to put your energy into something else, like your marriage!

God Bless,

J.

Honey, that friendship is over. You're not going to get a thank you from her, and you don't really want her in your life anymore, do you? Why would you continue to be friends with someone who treated you the way she did?

It's really hard when friendships end, but I think you have to make peace with it and move on. I'm sorry she treated you so shabbily.

Don't. Let it go. If she asks for help again, politely direct her elsewhere. If she asks why, say the stress on your family from her last visit was enough. Be kind but firm in your resolve to protect your family. It is sad when someone who receives such kindness doesn't return the favor, or even give an appropriate thank you, but it isn't all that uncommon either. Chances are she was not taught proper manners to begin with. You can model them w/o making yourself an authority over her (trying to elicite a thank you) or getting angry (which flies in the face of your initial kindness).

SAHM of seven. We have hosted many people in distress over the years. Like the Bible story of the 10 lepers (only one returned to thank Jesus) most of the time the thanks are minimal but we know we are making a difference in the lives of the children involved, and that's enough.

In life, we don't do things to get thanks or be acknowledged , we do things because it's the right thing to do. Forget your ego, and realize you did something good and kind and generous for someone. And, above all, you gave a little girl a home. That should be thanks enough.

This happened to my mother while I was still home and in college. Her best friend was also in a crisis situtation and she and her 2 daughters (a 2 yr old and a 16 year-old) came to stay with us during Christmas after they got kicked out of their rental.

We too went through all of our food, wound up spending tons on presents for her kids, and chaufering them into town when they needed rides. They were only supposed to stay a week (during which time they were supposed to secure a new apartment) but wound up staying for a month and a half and not even trying to find a new place to live.

Needless to say it was a horrible experience for us. But we didn't want to "kick them out" either. In retrospect we realized they took terrible advantage of us. It finally came down to my parents packing her things for her, and my dad finding a landlord willing to let her move in the same day. While she was in bed sleeping in and her older daughter was out with a boyfriend, my dad packed her stuff in his car, and calmly asked her to hop in. He dropped her off at the new rental and said "Glad we could help. Hope you like your new home" and that was it. End of story...no thanks etc. In fact she was mad at us and for about two years kept trying to find ways to get us to "help her out of jams".

Be glad she left. You wouldn't want this to be the start of an unhealthy relationship of codependance and headaches. If my parents didn't get spine when they did they'd probably still be taking care of this woman and her two daughters!

To be completely honest, I would count your blessing and be glad she is out of your life. You do not need or want a "friend" like that in your life. I know you feel like you haven't had closure with her and this issue but I don't think talking to her about this will change anything. To me she obviously doesn't feel she owes you anything and is used to people taking advantage of people and feels that she is entitled to that as well. I certainly wouldn't help her out in the future if she calls and needs your assistance, that would be the time I would bring up the issues you had with her staying there and her leaving.

I hope this helps.

It would be nice for your friend to thank you, and it was nice of you to let them live with you, but it is not up to you to make that happen. Perhaps checking in with her to see how she is doing. I know you probably don't want to GIVE anymore, but maybe open up an invitation for coffee--at her place perhaps? That way you don't have to have the kids at your house, but can have a positive interaction with her. Perhaps it would give her a chance to say thank you, or for you to bring it up in a "safe" place for her. Or it would give you closure, knowing that you did what you needed to do, and she can just go on with her life. Good luck!

B. - Calling to check on her and saying to her that you were worried about her, didn't hear back from you since you left and know that you have been busy. Allow her the benefit of the doubt. Here is the thing if she says nothing after making that kind of an effort, than be the bigger person and let it go. Life is too short to let friendships like that one get in the way of living life to the fullest. What you did was a wonderful thing... you and I both know that!

I agree with Laura. Give a courtesy call and see if she brings it up. If she doesn't, let it go. Consider yourself a Saint and her moving out is a welcomed atmosphere now that she is gone...even if she left a mess and costed you more money than was worth...let it go and chock it up to your good will. But, don't let it ruin your friendship.

It is frustrating to feel like you have bent over backwards for someone and have them to not seem like they appreciate you. I think you just need to let it go though. It does you no good to hang onto this. Maybe she thought that thanking your husband was enough or got really busy and simply forgot. You offered to help her and I'm sure it wasn't because you wanted to be acknowledged. Know that you did a nice thing and you can feel good about that.

Receiving a thank you that you have to ask for, is very unlikely to make you feel better. It sounds like she probably has her hands full and may be feeling bad about not contacting you yet. Either wait and see, or call her if you want, and she may apologize for not calling and thanking you sooner. I wouldn't approach the subject, it won't accomplish anything.

I wouldn't. If you have to wrangle a "thank you" out of her, what's the point? Some people are completely clueless when it comes to common courtesy and being polite. I can see how you feel taken advantage of, but let it go.

Has she behaved like this past?

If you wish to continue the friendship, give her a call to see how she's getting along and how she likes her new apartment. If you're ready to break ties, don't contact her, and don't feel bad about it.

She hasn't learned manners and probably won't. If her friendship is important to you, call her up and find out how she is doing. If she felt your irratation, she might be embarrassed about it and is staying away for that reason. No matter what, you helped her during a bad time, a time that she needed help. Be proud of yourself for doing that and let it go.