Seeking Advice - Powell, OH

M.,
I have a younger brother that is 15 years younger than I am. When he started pre-school he would not speak @ school. Luckily one of the teachers was familiar with selective mutism so she was very comfortable with him not speaking and did not make a big deal over it. Even the kids got use to it. I remember at his pre-school graduation, with my whole family around he leaned over and said something to my mom and all of the kids starting clapping and sreaming telling the teacher to look at Matthew, he can talk. It continued until about the 2nd grade and just as the Drs. said, when he was ready to talk at school and around people other than family he would, and he did. His teacher were always very supportive. In the second grade they gave the children reading test where they had to read out loud, the teacher had to find out if he could read or if he had problems, and since he wouldn't do it at school, she started sending a tape recorder home and having him read to his family while we recorded it. It worked and they were able to grade him that way. If there were any advice I would say like someone else suggested. Don't try to force her, don't bribe her, and she'll take when she is ready. I just hope her teachers are as supportive as my brothers were. My brother is now a 17 year old, and after all of those years of not speaking, now we can never get him to be quite. Good Luck!

Perhaps they can begin by asking many questions about what she thinks, what she's going to do next, and involve other children. Involve her in group projects and make sure she is involved in answering questions and asking questions of others. They can play games, like I-Spy or Simon says, to get the kids to talk to each other. Additionally, maybe this pre-school isn't the best-fit for her. Maybe she needs more personal attention, needs more hands-on or free choice time.

I sent my little one to Whitney Young. He has absolutely blossomed since attending. He talks, is outgoing, sings and dances in public. He's really quite a ham. When he started, he struggled with speech and behavior. They would have someone work with him one-on-one all day. This year he has matured and grown so much that he is fairly independent and doesn't need as much personal attention.

S. Frane
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My son is not school-age yet, but he talks NON-stop. My MIL has told me on numerous occasions that my son is just like my husband was at that age. She also said that when he went to school, he was VERY quiet, and the teacher commented on it. She was surprised because they couldn't get him to be quiet at home. They never did anything about it, and my husband is a very successful adult who graduated validictorian of his class and now has a master's degree and frequently teaches at our church.

For now, I wouldn't worry too much if you've asked your daughter why she isn't talking and there aren't any obvious attributable causes. Every kid is different. She'll probably be fine!

My son was/is the same way. He is 5 and in preschool. DH and I were shocked to learn that he's the "observer" in the class b/c he does nothing but talk, sing, throw fits (ha), etc at home. My son, though, is learning and talks when he needs to, like when he's asked something by the teachers. As long as your child is learning and not causing trouble, I'd say leave it be. My son is only slowly starting to talk to other kids at school. I took my concerns about him to this board and was freaking out about it at first. Now, I just go with the flow.

They just did a news report on the nightly news about this a week ago...I guess it's more common then you think and alot of parents don't relize becuase they are so active at home.

My 4 year old dd was just recently diagnosed with selective mutism. When she was around 9 months old, I would take her to story time at our library. Even at that young of age, she would not participate. If we were doing any hand play like pat a cake, she would pull her arms back and close to her body and would not let me do anything with her. She would talk to very few of her relatives. She would talk to my in-laws who live two hours away, but would not talk to my mom, my aunt or my uncle who we saw sometimes 2 or more times a week.

When she started preschool when she was 3 years old, she did not talk to her teachers or the other kids. I think all year they only got two words out of her. I had even had a discussion last year with the preschool director when we gave the director a Valentine treat and my dd wouldn't speak. The director mentioned that her niece had selective mutism and did not outgrow it until she was in junior high.

When she went for her 4 year check up, I asked the doctor about it and he told me not to worry about her because she was just shy.

Well this year in preschool, just before Thanksgiving, one of dd's teachers said that we need to do something because she is not talking in school so she took me to the director. The director gave me a business card to get in touch with an Early Childhood Intervention specialist from the local school district (why she didn't give me this information last year, I don't know but I sure wish she would have). I had to fill out several forms including answering almost 700 (I am not exaggerating) questions about my dd. Last week, they just put an IEP in place for her. She is going to a "communication" class on Mondays now for 1 1/2 hours. In addition to that class, someone will visit her each week at her preschool and work with her. The IEP will be in place for one year and will follow her into Kindergarten.

We have been doing playdates at McDonald's with some of her friends from school. When we started them, she would play with the others but wouldn't talk to them. I told her that if she wasn't going to talk, that we wouldn't do anymore playdates. That got her to start talking to her friends but only if no adults were around.

Last week they did skills evaluations in preschool and I explained to her that she needed to talk so they could tell how smart she was. I was totally amazed when I picked her up that the teacher said she talked no problem. Prior to this, she never talked to either of her teachers but did start talking to her friends during play time but only if a teacher wasn't looking. Today I picked her up and they said that she participated a lot today. I am so excited that she is starting to come around. I just hope that it continues. I am concerned about her starting Kindergarten because none of her friends from preschool go to the same school district and we have no kids in our neighborhood that are her age.

Check with your preschool or local school district to see if they have a program in place that will help your dd. I was so happy to find out that our school district could help her but I never would have found out about it on my own or even known who to turn to since our pediatrician didn't see a problem with her.

M. - I could write a novel about this subject! My daughter went through a very similar experience. She did not speak to any adults, other than me and my husband, from age 3-8. I will spare you the details and just tell you that your daughter appears to be suffering from a childhood anxiety disorder called "Selective Mutism". There is a wealth of information about this disorder available on the internet. Please google "selective mutism" to learn more. Here are a few pieces of advice:

- never, ever punish your daughter for not speaking to someone

- keep using positive reinforcement (rewards)

- your parenting skills may be questioned - don't let that get you down! You are your child's biggest advocate - always let her know that she is loved, no matter what.

- suggest "role-playing" to the teacher - for example, do a little play and give your daughter a speaking part! This worked for my daughter.

- try to avoid any medications - they are not the answer in the vast majority of cases.

- know that most children do out grow this on their own!

FYI - today is my daughter's 20th birthday! She is a sophmore in college, majoring in elementary ed. She has been on the Dean's List every semester. She also teaches Sunday school and gymnastics. She recently wrote an extensive research paper on the subject of selective mutism because of her own experience. She is a blessing!!
Good luck and blessings to you and your daughter!

Yes my son was that way.. He is going to be 5, and he still doesnt like strangers. At one point the daycare told me my son should be tested because he doesnt talk.. I said yesss he does just not to you. Did you ask her if she likes it there ? Maybe she dont like them, or she feels uncomfortable with them. I asked my son, if he liked it there.. he said no they mean me.. My son is not an openly sociable child until he knows you and feels confortable. He just like your child was no disrespectful and did as he was told, he just didnt talk. I took my children out of that daycare and put him in another. It took a couple weeks, but then he felt more comfortable and he started talking.. he is still in that daycare but they are more like family. they dont have a high turn over rate.. so most of those girls have been there as long as him. Dont push your child, evidently they arent interesting enough for her to talk to. My first daycare even thought my son might be autistic because he played alone instead of with other children. Im sure she is fine.. when she feels the need she will talk.

Dear M.,

Is your daughter particularly smart or perceptive? Like the other woman wrote - my daughter didn't talk in day care. They thought she didn't know her colors or shapes when she'd known them for months, she just didn't see any reason to let them know she knew because she didn't like them. I found out there was a little boy in there whose parents had been taken away by a SWAT team - he was telling her horror stories that was giving her nightmares, making her not want to nap, and the teachers got frustrated with her for not being comfortable enough to lie down during nap time!!! If your daughter isn't sociable then it seems quite likely there's something going on that she isn't comfortable with.
Good luck.
E.

I have a friend that her daughter is 8 now and will not speak to her friends or teachers. Her father died hen she was 4. What you nay be seeing is called selective mutism. You need to be careful how much you push her and not to make a big deal about it. There are counselors/psychologists that specialize in this. YOu need to locate one and discuss a game plan. We all handle stress differently and there may something traumatic by her standards that has caused this. YOung children do not know how to explain how they feel, they just know they are not comfortable. I encourage you to check out articles on the internet. I know there was an article about this a couple of years ago maybe in TIME or a similiar magazine. Good luck to you and be patient. ANd your not alone.

M., I am a grandmother with kids in your daughter's age range now, but your query really brought back memories of my youngest child(of three children, close in age). When she started kindergarten in Bloomington, she did not say a single word at school for the entire year. The teacher, who was used to manipulating kids into responding, went bonkers. The school sent a social worker to see what was wrong at home (nothing); the teacher offered endless bribes (which only made Anne realize she was winning the tug of war). My sanity was saved by two people (one a music teacher, one a very dramatic opera singer) who told me they had been the same at her age. The next year, Anne went to school, chatting like any other kid, but she would not eat her lunch at school. Again, no particular reason. And so it went... To make a long story short, Anne is now in her early 30s, and an incredibly outgoing, social person who remains fiercely independent in thought. No. 1: it will work out. No. 2: my inclination would be to ignore her non-speaking, rather than rewarding it with bribes. Best, D.

Hi M.,

Your daughter sounds a lot like my four year old! No one believes me that she can be a real handful at home!
She has Selective Mutism. It is an anxiety disorder where the children are terrified of being heard speaking. I realized she was shy when she was just a baby, always very perceptive and loved being around other children but very timid about playing with them. I knew maybe something was wrong early on and my pediatrician blew me off. I sent her to a co-op preschool when she was three so I was actually in her class once or twice a month and I could really see she was painfully shy. When they did their end of the year presentation I knew something was going on more then just being shy! She was frozen! I went online and looked up extreme shyness and waa laa! Selective Mutism came up and my daughter totally fit the description of the disorder. I talked to my (new) Pediatrian and she said to take her to a psychologist at Children's Hospital. She was diagnosed with SM over the summer.

It is awesome that Selective Mutism is just starting to get some press. There is a big article in People this month also.

Like another Mom wrote, contact the school district and they will evaluate your child and do an IEP, etc.

Best of Luck!
E.

I don't know if she is like this little boy or not but check out the video and maybe talk with you doctor.
http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&brand=&...