Seeking Advice - Reston,VA

In the old days befor the Fedrual goverment got into parenting the spanking would help out but now a days a time out may work for the problem.When I was growing up I had my butt spanked and now as a adult I respek my mother verey much for doing what she did.

I can definitely relate to the discipline problems you're describing. I also have a 3, almost 4-year-old who can be so sweet most of the time, but can be an absolute terror at other times. He would also behave differently with my husband. The only advice I can give is to make sure you're consistent with your discipline. If your son does something wrong, you have to correct it immediately and respond in the same way each time. Don't let him get away with stuff some of the time, but try to correct him at other times. Eventually, he will figure out that every time he is disobedient, there will be consequences that he doesn't like. Follow through on whatever you say you will do. For example, if you tell him you will take away a toy if he doesn't behave, you must take it away. Don't issue empty threats that you don't follow through with. Kids are smart and they will know when you're bluffing. Also, make sure that you're husband supports your discipline techniques and backs you up when you're correcting your son. This way, he knows that mom and dad are on the same page and both of you deserve respect. I hope this works. I'm trying it with my 3 year old and he's coming along slowly, but surely. Good luck!

Well, it sounds like you're having a test of wills, and your son is winning. So, take a deep breath and relax.

It is a very common issue (as you can tell from the responses), for children to whine more with mom than with dad. Let's face it, our husbands are good at turning a cold or indifferent shoulder to stuff they don't lke or feel they have to deal with. We mothers, born nurturers, have a much harder time doing that.

Although you didn't give any details about when and over what these tantrums happen, I have to different approaches. One in dealing with the tantrums and one which deals with preventing them.

I agree with the other women in that you need to establish your discipline consequences and stick to them consistently (with your husband's backing). Your son needs to learn that mom is not going to put up with this behavior, and the quickest way for him to learn is through appropriate consequences and your "indifference" to his reaction. In other words, let the consequences work their magic, because (let's face it) your angry response is helping his cause more than yours.

Although it is hard to learn to do, try to remove yourself from the situation so that you do not give in to your anger which your son is trying to ignite because he's mad. I usually try to find humor out of the fact that the temper tantrum (if not physical) is a silly act and there really isn't anything he can do about his situation, really. Do I manage to pull this off every time - no way, but I get better at it with each episode. My child is settling down more quickly and I am spending more time laughing (to myself) than frustrated.

The best behavior modeling trick is getting kids to think they are in control of their circumstances. "You can choose to act that way, but it will get you a time out, or you can choose to calm down and come play a game with mommy. I would rather you choose to come play with me, but if you want to spend time in time-out, then that's okay, too."

Also, let him know disappointment and anger are acceptable feelings, but throwing tantrums is not acceptable behavior. Give him ways to cool down, but let him use his toddler authority to decide how. If he can't make a good choice, then you "help" him by putting him in time out (if that is your method) since he can't think of a good way. Keep delivering the consequence until he "straightens up" for a minute or two, so you know he's settled. I would follow up with a reminder of his choice of bad behavior, praise him for calming down, give him a hug and send him on his way.

You may need to put other things on hold while you deal with taming these tantrums (because it will take several times for him to get the picture), but stick it out. The sooner you deal with bad behavior the "easier" it is to break.

If he does have a good day or deals well with a situation he might be tempted to throw a fit about, praise him for his good choices in being a good boy.

On the other approach: give some time to how you might be able to prevent these tantrums (like adjusting his sleep time). Some of them may be coming from situations that, if handled differently, would not produce a tantrum. He may be a child that needs to know some things up front like "we'll be leaving soon so I am giving you 5 more minutes because you've been so good", or "you can play with this toy, but in five minutes, we're going to do ..." or "mommy needs to do this, but when I am done we're going to that", etc. I think you get the picture. By prepping your son for what is about to happen or setting his expectations up front, you might be able to help him cope better with incident and eliminate the tantrums.

Good luck.

hi i am a mom of a 4 year old. he would have fits out of this world to. my doctor said move bedtime to so i did. that was no help. so one day i asked my husband why he did not do this for him and he said cause i walkaway and tell him when hes ready to come to him. so i tryed this and i must say a few months later and it works. we still have some fits but not like they where. so i say as long as he not hurting himself or anyone else try that and good luck to you cause i have been there.