Seeking Advice - Seattle, WA

Try THE MAGIC BEADS--at least that's what I think it's called. It doesn't deal with divorce directly, but she doesn't see her dad at home, and she is in a new school, and feels very alone. It's a hard book to read, though, so be prepared.

R.,
I am sorry you are going through this. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my brother was 2. They had been seperated and trying to work it out since I was 3. My mother sat us down and just stated very mater of factly that Mommy and Daddy will not be living together anymore and that this would not change how much either of them loved us. Mommy and daddy will have different homes and we would have a special place in each. This really was about all the explanation that she offered. It was very clear. It was until years later that I learned of all the "issues" that lead up to the decision of them disolving the relationship.
Your son has a great mommy! Never doubt yourself. He will be ok with this as long as you are open to his feelings and fears.
I dont know your circumstances but if there is a chance for reconcilliation, please do not use the word divorce until you know that is what you are doing.

I do hope that you are able to find peace.

Being two is an interesting age where it is hard to see what they do or do not understand. Books may not be your answer. We went through this process this whole last year with toddlers (2,3,4). We explained to them that mommy and daddy are not getting along (probably not a good idea to say the word "fighting"), and that he is still loved very much by both. You two may want to take a parenting class together (usually the county clerk can you give the number to someone who can help you both understand how to parent as divorced "partners"). Let him now he is special to you and to his daddy.

I highly recommend keeping perspective. These things can get messy and hurtful fast, and your son can remain unscathed as long as both of you are willing to refrain from tug of war. Let him know he has two homes and how special that is. It may hurt, but with our babies their security healed much quicker when they understood that their homes both belonged to them and they were a special part of both places.

Don't get overly specific with him and do everything you can to help him transition into whatever parenting plan the two of you deem best. Best of luck and I hope all goes well.

Hi R.,

What a tough siuation to be in. I applaud you for wanting to do the best by your son. Good for you.

I'm not aware of any books geared towards 2 year olds, but I'm not sure a book would necessarily be appropriate. He's only 2, so getting into specifics about the divorce may go over his head, or cause him undo concern and stress.

Instead, you can keep it simple by telling him that mommy and daddy don't along very well and aren't going to live together anymore. Make sure you emphasize that this is a grown up problem, and that he's not at fault, and that you and daddy still love him.

Keep it simple, as 2 year olds don't really understand and/or need huge complicated explanations. He probably knows that daddy doesn't live with him anymore, but he may not need an explaination beyond "mommy and daddy aren't getting along, so daddy won't be living with us." Be prepared to anwer any questions he has now, and as he gets older.

Another thought...you sound like you have it pretty much together, but you may want to talk to a counselor about any feelings you may have about the separation. A counselor can help you process your emotions, and can help you decided what to say to say and when to say it to your son.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

Namaste,
M.

I'm going through the same thing myself. With an almost 3, an almost 5 and a 6 year old, all girls. The older one's seem to be handling it ok, but my 2 year old is taking it the worst. He was in the war and missed a lot of the older girls' lives, but he's been here every day for our baby.

I don't know of any books, though I might write one (I'm a writer and though I haven't done children's books, it seems there's a need for certain topics.)

We are both making a real effort to constantly reaffirm them that we both love them and we're still a family we just can't live together and be healthy. in our case, my husband has some serious mental and physical problems from the war, so we told the girls that daddy is still sick and needs his own space to heal. I also am making a real effort not to mediate their relationship with him, or make excuses for him. I never bad mouth him, but I let him initiate his own relationship with them. This is important so that they learn to understand that their relationship with him is their's and my relationship with them is seperate. Hopefully, this will mitigate any future blaming or transference. We'll see. I also make it clear that daddy will be ok, and so will we. We have a great life and they are deeply loved by all. It seems to be helping. We're still new at this, but I hope this helps. My heart goes out to you.

There was a book I used with my son. I think it may have been called Dinosaur Divorce. It was great. Many had recommended it to me. Good luck!

One of the best books we have enjoyed is "It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear". We checked out several from the library and I ended up buying this one online because my daughter really related to it. Not sure where you live, but many children's librarians have lists of available books on specific issues such as these and can help you find them easily.

Best of luck to you. I am still going through the trenches with separation and divorce and it isn't easy. How wonderful that you are so thoughtful and working so hard to give your son the tools to deal with things as well.

Take care!

My daughter was 3 when her dad and I seperated. (I was also 3 when my parents seperated.) I sat her down and told her that her we weren't going to live with her dad anymore, that is was just going to be her and me. I told her when she would be seeing her dad and that she could call him anytime she wanted. Just be honest and don't go into a lot of details, he is to young to understand divorce and all that. Reassure him that you both love and that you will always be there for him and that he can talk to you about anything.