I am seeking advice regarding my son's very recent refusal to attend Tae Kwon Do classes. He began taking classes when he was 3 1/2 years old and has a natural affinity for the sport. He is now five and has advanced six levels from the white to the blue belt. The problem began after Christmas break, when he had a two week vacation from the classes, because the school closed. When we attempted to take him the following week on January 6th, he said he didn't want to go and threw a tantrum, so after probing as to why and not being able to get any clear reason, we agreed to let him take another week off. However, when my husband took him on Tuesday, January 13th, he again stated that he didn't want to go; but, my husband insisted that he do so. Once into the class, he appeared to be enjoying himself and my husband said he did well. But, upon returning home, he again insisted that he didn't want to go back to karate lessons. He is the youngest student in the class which is a mixture of three levels, green, blue and purple belts. He was doing so well in the classes. His form is excellent and before last week, he appeared to really be enjoying taking karate. Help.
Thanks to all who responded to my cry for help. All of the advice was excellent and provided much food for thought. My husband and I as well as his paternal Grandmother and a maternal aunt have spoken with our son during the past week attempting to gain a better understanding of why he's so resistant to continuing in karate. Last Thursday, my husband attempted to take him to karate again, but experienced the same reaction with our son throwing a tantrum, so we decided not to pressure him anymore and let him take some time off as several of you have suggested.
We have concluded that it is quite possible that he felt overwhelmed between his full day of school and two extracurricular activities. He's in a Spanish emersion program which is very intensive (71/2 hours per day) with homework assignments 3 times a week along with other assignments for the term to focus on both English and Spanish phonology, vocabulary, reading, spelling and writing. The curriculum is comprehensive including Science, Math, Language Arts, Social Studies, Reading and Gym. He is doing well in most areas, except reading and spelling. Consequently, his English teacher and I have been spending extra time on these areas. I have noticed during the past two weeks since our son has had a break from karate, that he's improving in both his reading and spelling skills. He also is doing better in piano.
Before the Christmas break, he had a long schedule which included school from 8:30am -4:00pm; karate on Tuesday and Thursday from 5:20 - 6:10pm; and piano on Wednesdays from 5:30-6:00pm. We would often get home between 7:00-7:30 on Tuesday - Thursday, so he would end up eating dinner at 8:00pm, then would have to complete homework assignments and by that time it was bedtime (9:00-9:30pm). Now that I have had time to reflect on the situation more, I realize that it is best for us to let our son have a break from karate. Since we have been paying on a month to month basis, there is no financial loss. Although the benefits of Tae Kwon Do have been tremendous in terms of increased concentration, memory, discipline, endurance, muscle strength and flexibility, the last thing we want to do is put extra stress on our son or make him do something that he doesn't want to do when it comes to an extracurricular activity.
Several of you have commented that there is a good chance that he could decide to return to karate in the future. There are Tae Kwon Do classes as part of the after school program at his school and he has indicated that he'd like to take these classes with his classmates. Well, as it turns out the class is full at this time, so he'll have to wait until June when the classes are offered during summer school. This is probably a blessing in disguise, because during summer school, there is no pressure on academics. Therefore, this would be a great time for him to return to taking karate lessons. We'll approach him around May to see if he's still interested. If he still isn't there are so many other activities that we can let him participate in. I'll let you know how things turn out. Thanks again for your advice. It has been invaluable!
I feel a sense of relief and I know my son does as well.
W.
There may be a reason he cannot articulate to you as to why he suddenly does not like Karate. I would give him more time off, like a month or so. Then ask again if he is interested in the classes. I don't believe forcing him to take lessons is a good thing. Perhaps you should ask his teacher for input and advice. AF
Is it possible he's just tired of it or interested in something else?
W.
We put our 5 year daughter (daughter #2) in Tae Kwon Do classes to help build her self esteem, she too was the youngest in the class.
She attended for about a year then reacted just as you describe your son acting....it is so frustrating for the parents. Her self esteem seemed fine, my tolerance level was
totally diminished! We pulled her out.
The thing to remember, we ended up with 5 kids, and have made lots of mistakes along the way but, we have learned just as much.........don't over involved your children at any age, particularly before they are in their teens.
5 year olds need to be just that, to play and discover the
things that 5 years do best. We end up creating children that have to be so scheduled that they don't know how to entertain themselves without an activity or electronic game to pursue. We are then not teaching them how to relax and decompress after a day of work.
With his piano all he really needs is his parents love, and a couple of friends to play with after school (outside) being creative with their imaginations.
That #2 daughter of ours is now 26, with a 5 year old daughter of her own ;}
Enjoy your son!! They grow up way too fast.
L.
It may be that he is just feeling over-scheduled and wants some time for him. My son also took tae kwon do for years and wanted to stop one step away from his black belt. His Dad was horrified (he never received his black belt) but I pointed out that it was Jared's decision. The amount of time, work and practice that goes into both of those activities that your son is doing, coupled with school and homework, he may be feeling that he never gets time to himself, for what he wants to do. My children are allowed to choose one activity during the school year. It helps their sanity and mine as well. He needs to be committed to what he is doing and enjoy it. He may come back after a break and ask to begin lessons again.
I don't think it's a good idea to force kids to do activities they don't want to do. It can backfire. All you can do is expose him to different things to give him an opportunity to discover what he enjoys and what he is good at. There is a good chance that if he is good at this, he will eventually return to it.
When I was a kid I took a year of piano lessons when I was seven, then I quit. Four years later I asked my parents if I could start piano lessons again and they agreed. I continued to study piano from the age of twelve all the way through college and even majored in music. So just because your little guy needs a break doesn't mean he's out of the game. He's got plenty of time to decide what he is truly interested in.
You son may feel he is overloaded and that he valued the time that he spent with you over the break more than going to Tae Kwon Do classes. I've been there. It's a very demanding sport requiring much dedication. My children started at a very young age (4), as well. They were taking Tae Kwon Do and doing gymnastics. It was too much time away from home for them. Maybe you can talk to their Master about going to one class per week for a while. I know that this may mean that he is not going to test as frequently, but, what's the hurry, he's only 5? Please don't think that I am suggesting that you give it up entirely, because, I am suggesting quite the opposite. Tae Kwon Do is excellent for the mind, body and soul. My children have developed into quite independent individuals and I owe a lot of it to their experience with Tae Kwon Do (they are 14 and 16 now). Also, does he really love the piano? Maybe that's where the cutback needs to be for now. I hope that this helps.
Now if you child wasn't doing well in the class i would prob. push a little to not quit but if you child is doing well it just means he's not interested. These types of classes are made to expose children to different things but it doesn't mean if they are good they should do it to the end. Just because you are good at something doesn't mean you enjoy it. If he doesn't want to finish and you're not paying for more classes i would let him out. NOW if you are paying for more. Like it's a mo. long class you have already paid for i would tell him you can stop at the end of the month because they are already paid for. But in my opinion you should let him out if he doesn't like it. That's his opinion...
Let your son on take a lead roll in this. All that activity is overwhelming to one so young. Kindergarten is his job- no getting around that one, but give him the choice of the other extra. I really feel like at any age, one has to feel a certain amount of 'control' over thier life. Keep him involved, but really, one extra thing is plenty-let him choose. Chances are he just wants to spend more time with his family. Maybe later on down the road after going with out it, he might decide to go back to Karate. If that happens he already had a solid base to build on and more power to him. For now- he's five and five yo's are easily overwhelmed/frustrated. give him the choice.
Hi Wilhemina! It is baffling and frustrating when they love something one week and don't want to do it the next. That happened one time with my youngest -- she was feeling a little sick one day at soccer practice so she had a negative feeling about soccer. She threw a fit the next time soccer rolled around, but after that, she was fine with going. Did you sign a long, expensive karate contract? That makes things feel a big less flexible, I know, but some karate schools will let you take a break for a while even with a contract. I would say that either your son might have liked taking a break from karate and decided he doesn't want to do it any more OR he is just a little nervous about going back. If you can gently encourage him to go a couple more times, you will probably be able to see which it is.
Good luck!
If you've already paid a long term contract, inform your son that he must finish it out. When it is coming to an end then discuss his continuing with him. My son was the same way at that age. By the time the contract came up he wanted to continue. With karate AND Piano AND Kindergarten he may be feeling little overwhelmed. Talk to teach him about ways to handle stress without tantrums. My son,now 8, started Piano and Karate at 4...his begging got us to do it. As with most martial arts as you get higher ranked there aren't as many "fun" games played and it is more work. I'm not sure if he is sparring in Tae Kwon Do, but if so that may have something to do with it too, especially if he is the youngest in his class. If he needs, let him take a break and see if he wants to take it up again later...if not he'll probably have an interest in something else. Good luck.
If you have paid a full contract or whatever tell him he must finish it out and then he can take a break or stop if he wants to. Later he may decide to go back or may not. If he's not enjoying it there really is no point. Just let him know that if he changes his mind to return to let you know but I think its important that he finish up the contract in essence following through with his committment. He may just want to try other things or just have some down time. Either way its a good thing I think.
Have you sat through the classes to watch how he is being instructed? I think it's not a good idea to let them quit things so soon...they should learn the follow through, but at his young age, it really wasn't his idea to start in the first place. I took TKD when I was a bit older and wish I had started younger...and I also took piano when I was younger and quit, but wish I hadn't. I don't know if 2 activities is too much for a 5 year old - it is a possibility...so maybe let the TKD slide this time...but make sure he stays in piano - but let him choose. That way he will at least have one skill he is proficient at....
My younger boy spent years in a karate school and I observed this kind of thing repeatedly. It just seems that after a while, no matter how good the child is at the sport, they get tired of it and don't want to do it any more. It also seemed to me that the younger the kid started, the more likely this was to happen. My 2 boys took numerous kinds of lessons (tennis, golf, etc) and there were sports they stuck with and sports they didn't stick with. You might ask your son if there is another sport he would prefer to do. If you have signed a contract for a certain amount of time or number of lessons, perhaps you could explain that and tell your son that he needs to stay at least that long, and by the time the contract ends he may have changed his mind and want to stay. What I am saying is, his behavior seems to be normal according to what I saw over years of sitting in the waiting room of the karate studio. It might just be time for a different activity! Good luck.
It could just be his age. My daughter was the same way with school during kindergarten. Every once in a while, she would enter into a phase, where she just despised going to school. Then it would fade and she wouldn't complain every school day. I would maybe have a talk with him, and set a certain period of time or number of classes, and explain to him that he needs to go for this long, then afterwards, if he still feels so strongly about not going, you will honor that. I would think that a child, wether good at it or not, will only grow to resent it if he is being made to go. However, it could be something he will get over quickly, that is why I think compromising, and keep him going for a certain period of time might work well. If you really want him to stay in the classes, during that period of time, I would suggest hyping it up big time. Such as praising him a lot about how good he did, how well he behaved in the class, how proud you are of him. Maybe even take some pictures of him during his class so he can see how great he does, and anything else you can think of. Good luck!
K.
W.:
Hello and good morning!
I understand COMPLETELY where you are coming from. My now 8 year old is in TKD as well. He is a Deputy Black Belt. He begged to go to TKD, so we signed him up - he loved it. So, even though I was a SAM, we put him in the After School Program (ASP).
This past summer, he decided he was done with TKD. When I asked why - he just said "I'm done" - with further probing and taking some classes myself - I realized he just needed a break. Once you get past the 5th belt, it's not a game anymore - you are working your butt off in class. So we gave him other options over the summer - no TKD. He came back this September with a new vigor for it.
At five, he's probably just overwhelmed/over-scheduled. He has THREE things going on in his young life - learning Piano and TKD isn't always the most relaxing thing to do. For an adult maybe, but not for a 5 year old.
If you have not signed a contract with the ASP for TKD - give him a break - maybe take him to class once a week instead of every night or three times a week. If you have signed a contract, explain to him that you have signed a contract and have to live up to your end. Let him know that the contract ends on this date and until then, he is obligated to go.
It will all work out. You are not alone!
God bless and best regards,
Cheryl
Hi W.,
I don't have experience with Tae Kwon Do but do with the sport of gymnastics. When my now 10 year old daughter was 4 years old, she wanted to quit gymnastics. (she had started when she was three, following her older sister). I told her "sure just as soon as the month that I paid for was over." She quit. Within 6 weeks, stated that she wanted to go back. I signed her up, we waited a few months to get back into a class and now, at age 10, she just took first place in all events at her most recent meet, no small accomplishment. What am I trying to say??? Let your son quit. THere are many other activities to try. Also, once they quit something, they can always go back. Your son may find that he misses Tae Kwon Do and want to go back. It happened with my son as well and soccer. he played, quit and is now ready to try again. Your child is young. I think that all children should try many different activities until they find their passion. Good luck.
it sounds like he is just burned out on it.
try finding him something else to do.
and try and revisit it later in the year or when he is older. if he is that good he will pick it up again.
This could be due to so many things, it's hard to tell, but you could explore these with him -- using gentle questions and talking with his teacher (without your son around):
1. It could just be basic, normal five-year-old resistance to what mom and dad want him to do. Yes, he may be great at it, but that doesn't mean he wants to do it every week at the same time. It may be that he does like it but also liked his "down time" over the break and is having trouble getting back into things (I've heard lots of friends say their kids just are so slow wanting to return to anything after the holidays!). If this is the case, you have the dilemma of deciding whether to let him stop or to tell him he has made a commitment to these classes and has to keep going until the end of the session or whenever. You did note he had a good time when there, so you may find he goes more willingly once he sees he will indeed be taken there each week, tantrum or not, and expected to participate.
One thought: You're clearly and rightly proud of his achievements in tae kwon do, but has he possibly been doing it more because you and his dad are so proud of it? It could be he's ready to explore other activities and mix things up a bit but has been reluctant, up to this point, to tell you. I'm just putting the idea out there--it may be he really has a love for it, but it's worth considering if he needs a break (perhaps after fulfilling his class commitment so he learns to stick with it until he's done).
Regarding trying new activities: My friend's 14-year-old began tae kwon do around your son's age and is a black belt in his level and will continue to do tae kwon do and earn more belts--he's very good. But he also takes breaks from tae kwon do and also plays baseball and the trumpet. So letting your son explore other hobbies now won't necessarily mean he will give up tae kwon do.
2. The problem could be something that happened during a class that he never mentioned to you -- he got shoved, maybe accidentally, but thought he was being pushed around, or an older kid made fun of him (or he thought an older kid made fun of him--kids this age can be super-sensitive to what they perceive as slights). Or a teacher spoke sharply to him to correct a form and it seemed like huge deal to your son. Or it could be more serious, like he was genuinely bullied in the dressing room or whatever. I kind of doubt the latter -- he would have probably shown tension or upset sooner. But you never know, and some kids hide things very well even from themselves, so you may have to work on finding out.
Whatever you do, I'd involve the teacher and ask about how your son really seems to be doing in class, if he pals around with the older kids or seems isolated from them, if the teacher sees sudden reluctance like this all the time from kids his age (I'd bet he sees it at least sometimes and even among kids with a gift for the sport), etc. etc. A good "master" of any sport should be aware of each child's needs and should be able to help you. And most of all, this may pass very soon and your son will be back in class and eager to go. I hope so!
My daughter did the same thing last winter. I realized that it was also the first year she had started full time school as she had been advanced a grade for private kindergarten. I also thought maybe it had something to do with the weather. I allowed her to take almost 6 weeks off and then she was ready to go back. Because she missed so many lessons, I decided to make her skip a belt test. While her form got a little worse due to taking the time off, I saw her going to sleep earlier and feel it was best for her to take the time to rest. My daughter is in 7 hours of activities a week and I am trying to get my husband to let her cut back. (3 1/2 hours of taekwondo, 2 hours of soccer, 1 hour of a school based activity and 30 min of swimming). This affects her homework time now that she is in first grade and I feel school is more important especially because she is a motivated learner and has managed to skip a grade in public school.
