Seeking Advice - Orange, MA

V. i agree here what ever is happending or has happend with your mom and her mom she should keep her kids outta you and your sister that is just not right to want you girls to have nothing to do with her has she ever did anything so terrible to you's i mean shes your grandma and your childrens great grandma that is just so unfair of your mom i would tell her mom i love you i understand that you and great grandma had a bad relationship but shes still me great grandma and i love you both and its wrong of your mom to do this too you your sisters and great grandchildren that is sad ....my moms mom my grandma was a alcholic my moms whole life and there was 7 children so she didnt have the best of life either growing up but she never ever held us away from her and i would just tell you mom i am sorry we are adults and this is too childish and we will have a relationship with great grandma and grandma i mean your mom shouldnt do that go have lunch and have a great time and if mom cant accept that then tell her your sorry but its unfair.good luck. D.

I lost my mom when i was 22 so stuff like this REALLY bothers me. Your mom may or may not have valid reasons to feel as she does, You on the other hand hand have NEVER been hurt by the relationship you have with your grandma, sounds to me like Mom is hurting you by forcing you to choose, and in the long run by her doing that she is going to cause a rift between you and herself (hmmm maybe she is alot like her mother)

My advice would have been to tell your mother that it not about HER its about the childrens party and if she doesn't want to act civilized for the kids not to come. Then tell your Grandmother the party is back on and to come on over.

You are right you and your children should not have to suffer because of their differences. In fact your mother is acting a bit childish by expecting you to take sides .... reminds me of when I was in school, I was not allowed to like the person my friend didn't like.

I wish all of you the best... I may come off harsh, but like I said 22 years is not along time. Maybe my harshness will knock some sense into a mother/daughter one day.

I am also from a family with "issues". In my opinion, You have an obligation to your children to maintain positive relations with your family. What better example could you set for your children, than to be a person who can put aside differences. Falling into family discord will only perpetrate the bahavior. It would be awful for them to learn these behaviors and one day turn them onto you or some other family member. Family is the most important place to demonstrate UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Hope this helps.
Warmest Regards...K. (SAHM of three boys)

No offense but it sounds like your mother needs to grow up. She needs to understand that you have every right to have a relationship with your grandmother. You are an adult and you have the right to choose who you do and don't have contact with. Just because she has a bad relationship with her mother that is her problem not yours. If she was acting like an adult she wouldn't try to force you to choose sides. Which she is. You are very lucky that your girls get to meet their great grandmother. The one grandparent I had left, died when I was 5 months pregnant with my son. He missed out on their knowledge, and stories, and love. Don't deny your children that. There is only so much time that they have left with her.

I think that you should go. I think that because you are an adult, it is time to make your own decisions. I had a situation sorta the same. My parents are divorced, now for almost 20 years, and they hate each other as if it just happened. My dad lied a lot and told me stuff that was, some true and some false. He wanted to keep us close to him and away from my mom, weather hew knew it or not. Well, finally i said to him that i was going to make a relationship with my mom and that it wouldn't affect our relationship. And he had no choice but to accept it. I am an adult and i will decide who i talk to and who i won't. He may not like it, but he stays quiet. So there are others out there with same but different situations, it is all on how you decide to deal with the immaturities of those that are older then us.

what you are going trew is very hard and i understand but i think you should do whats right for you. Your an adult and you have 3 kids. its not right for your mother to put you in the middle of her problems with her mom, thats your grandmother and your kids great grandma. life is way to short to cut people out of your lives. not meny people or kids can say they have greatgrandmas.
i hope this help you in some way

V.,
Sounds like you are put in a rough position, due to your mother's feelings. Unfortunetly that puts your children in that spot too. I think what I would do in this situations is just explain to your mother that you and your girls do have a relationship with your grandmother and that she is welcome to her feelings and oppionions, but you don't want the negativity towards your granmother go to your children. I understand she may have had a hard time with her mother, and doesn't have a great relationship with her, but that doesn't mean that you and your children can't have a somewhat tolerable relationship. I know you don't want to hurt your mother, but in the long run, hte more your kids miss out with Great Grammie, the more they'll be hurt from it. You and your children have a right to know your family, just explain to your mother that it by no means diminshes the way you guys feel about and love her. There is no comparrison, she's your mother and she always will be, but you and your girls would like a relationship with your grandmother as well. Inform her that if you can make the effort to keep you outings seperate from hers, she can make the effort to keep her negative thoughts to herself (at least in front of the children). I know this must sounds a hell of a lot easier than it may be to do, but it all depends on how badly you wnat to spend time with your grandmother, and for her to see her great grandchildren. You are mom this time around, just try to remember that. Good luck in whatever may come your way. Feel free to contact me if you'd like to vent anytime. D.

Good Morning. I can relate to a little of what your dilema is.As far as the relationship between your mother and her mom(your grandmother),that is between them, and your Mom is more or less asking you to take sides,or should I say not have a relationship with your grandmother because she has issues. My mother was the same way but in regards to my father.(They were divorced when I was 3). As far your children go-or even you for that matter wants to have a relationship with her,then you need to let your mother know how you feel, and that the issues are between them and she can be civil for the short time that you have family get togethers.It is not fair for her to use you or your kids as a bargaining chip. As far as spending time with your Grandmother, just let your Mom know that your going to get together with your grandmother-and you feel that you want your children to have a relationship with her. Just let her know that you love her very much,but life is too short to play childish games and their differences should not effect your kids.They can both have a relationship with your children and you. You are one person and unfortunately you will not be able to please everyone,which is what I tried to do for many years, until i woke up and smelled the coffee.Good luck to you.

Your mother is being vey selfish. your relationship with your grandmother is seperate from your relationship with your mom and if she cannot see that, then let her walk away. never let it be your fault because you and your children are the ones to suffer and regret. not her. If you feel better about it, let them know that you don't wish to share the details of your seperate relationships because frankly it's none of their business. You are an adult now, your mother can't tell you who to "hang out with" and you need to let her know this or she will continue to manipulate to get her own way. Have lunch with your grandmother because you want to share that time with her. Don't let anyone take that away. Time is precious and you never get that chance again.

i would go and let ur grandmother see the kids. i have a ok relationship with my mom and she cant get along with her brothers and sisters, but i am not going to hold my child back from seeing our family. my bf cant stand my mom but he gets over it. if not then im sorry he cant be a part of this family. so i know where u are coming from.

I'm not going to read all those responses, so I apologize if someone already said this.

I would call the grandmother and tell her that the party is indeed on. IF she asks who will be there, you can tell her who has been invited. There is no need to offer up all the details of your dealings with your mother about this.

I would call the mother and tell her that the party is on and that the grandmother has been invited and she (your mother) may either come or not come to the party, but that you and your child would be happy if she attended. If she does come, let her know that you expect her to be a good role model and be polite to the grandmother, no more, no less.

In fact, tell your mother that you no longer want to discuss what goes on between her and your grandmother, that that is THEIR business and is for THEM to sort out. If you take all that drama out of your life and out of the conversations with your mother, the relationship between you and your mother may improve as well.

Don't make choices out of fear of how your mother may react. People can only manipulate you if you let them.

Hmmm... I have a family like that too. My mom's father was abusive (both physically and sexually) to his two daughters, my mom and aunt. My aunt never forgave him for it, but for some reason my mom did. She kept a relationship with him, I think mainly for my grandmother. But anyways... to keep a long story short, if I want to have my aunt at my daughter's birthday party, I have to have the party outside of my house, because we now live in my grandparents house (where my mom's family grew up). My aunt refuses to step foot in the house, not even when my grandmother was dieing, or when my uncle got married there, or when he died and we had a memorial service there. But in the end, we all respect my aunt's reasoning of why, and there's never been any issues around it. I think your mother needs to get over it, in a way she is actually acting childish. It's fine if she does not want to associate with your grandmother, but she should not try to hold you, or anybody else in your family for that matter, back from speaking with her. Maybe your mother is feeling insecure, and thinks you will love her mother more than her. Maybe you need to have a heart to heart talk with her and assure her that you will love her all the same, and also you should promise not to get involved with any of the problems between the too, and never take any sides (and be sure to keep the promise).

Hi V.,

The first thing you have to decide is how many lies do you want to tell and have to remember.

Do you have a good relationship with your grandmother? If not then stop pretenting. If however, you have a good relationship with your grandmother, then this fued is all on your mother and her mother.

Tell your mother to grow-up. You both need to agree to disagree. Sit her down and tell her the fued is not to enter your house. period end of statement. You do not want to hear bad things about your grandmother and in turn you will not discuss her with your grandmother.

If they want to have a fued that is their issues - don't get into the middle of it. You don't need that headache and it is always very important to not let the fued get to your children or the first thing they will learn about the extended family is HATE and DISTRUST.

Is that really the legacy you want to give to them. Stand your ground and be strong - the fued has nothing to do with you and your family.

If your mother can not accept this than she is not seeing you for the adult you are. She has to respect your boundaries. If your sisters follow your mother again they are not seeing you for an adult. They have to understand that you have made a choice and they should respect that.

I hope this helps. And when you feel unsure just remember this is for the protection of your children's soul.

We love and support you.
B.

This is the first one I have responded to since I joined this site it really hit close to home. Those children are ur family now and going through this situation myself it will be hard for u but this is what I would do. Tell everyone they need to set their differences aside for one day and respect ur home. this is for ur child who has nothing to do with whatever is going on. The adult in this situation will do the right thing and if they cant respect u and ur family then do u really want them as a role model to ur children?? I have been through this and u would be surprised what will happen and if they dont respect u then do what makes u and ur child happy when they are old enough to understand explain it to them they wont blame you. GOOD LUCK! Remember u have your OWN family now :) I would like to hear from you to see how it all goes.

Oh My - You need to understand that the relationship between your mom and gram is up too them. Your gram may not be around one day, perhaps soon and you will feel the regret. I don't know if you and your gram don't see eye to eye - but it's your gram. You won't ever get the nice memories back.
Cherish her while you can... Life is too short.
Your sisters should go to lunch as well, who knows perhaps it will bring you mom around so everyone can be together. Good Luck and be positive - Great Grams always love to see the children. My Gram lives to see my son.

Okay this seems a bit to familiar to me. My Mom is sort of the same way. Only Im an adult now myself and I make my own choices. I don't worry about making everyone happy anymore, cause in all honesty it will never work. If you would like for you and your children to have a relationship with thier great gramndmother than so be it. They are your children and you can make your own decisions. Good luck!

Lots of great advice!!
I've had family members who don't like other family members, and I just have my parties, invite them all, and if THEY have a problem, they can stay home! You keep that relationship with your grandmother, and if your mom doesn't like it, tell her that's HER PROBLEM and not to make it yours.
Life is too short for all this kind of family stupidity...

Good Luck!
M.

I think you should definitely see your grandmother. Your mother has no right to deny your children the opportunity to know their great grandmother. Have you tried talking to her about this, and tell her how you feel? Well, good luck!

Miss V,
my heart breaks for you. I come from a LARGE family and have even been guilty of being a jerk when i have been upset at someone in my family and have put a family member in an awkward position... so as a recovering cry baby I MUST say go with the flow dont exclude ANYONE from any function. Your Mom from what it sounds like had a rough childhood... and I KNOW WHAT THAT is like as well. BUT I could not go on threw life being angry it made me said my sons said any it made me miserable... so please for the sake of your own sanity allow them to work threw their own issues and enjoy life and everyone in it! The best u can! Also sit with each woman alone in a enviorment that is sunny and warm and share your heart ache with them try to give them an ultimatum... I LOVE YOU both and will not take sides if you can not be civil for my sake and the sake of the kids then YOU will have to make that ultimate choice.. GOOD LUCK! HAVE FAITH

I believe that your mother is not being a good mother by putting her daughter and grandkids in the middle of her problems. You should tell your mother that her problems with her own mother are just that(HER PROBLEMS!).You should nicely tell her to please keep you and the children out of it.
If this would have been my mother telling me not to invite someone to my house, I would have told her that if she in not comfortable then she(mother)can stay home.
No one should be telling you who can and cannot come to your house. Its your house!!!!!
Good luck with your situation. Be stong and don't let her run your life!

V.,

Your mom's relationship issues have nothing to do with your kids. Would she want you to keep the kids from her if the two of you had an argument?

I understand this problem completely. My father and I don't speak, but we end up attending the same family functions pretty regularly. I would never avoid family events because he is going to be there, nor would I ever attempt to keep my son from talking to him or playing with him because of my problems with him. THe man does not hurt small children, so it's not like I am putting my kid at risk. From another angle, my mom doesn't speak to any of her siblings but one, for really good reasons, but has NEVER attempted to influience my decision to keep in touch or not. She has told me the truth about their conflict, and accepts my decision to keep in contanct with some of my aunts and cousins, but not with others. Not once has she tried to keep me from seeing them, even though my aunts don't let their kids see her, and she's heartbroken about that.

Don't let your mom come between you and your kids and your grandmother. It's so rare for problems like this one to be all on one side, and this solution certainly makes the punishment all on one side. That's not fair.

Personally I think it's a bit much that your mother would expect you to shun your grandmother, and have your kids do so too, due to her own relationship issues with her mother. That's not your fault. I would go see my grandmother regardless. My mother often puts me in situations like that, and it's damn annoying and not fair to do. I'm due w/baby #5 in 2 1/2 weeks, and my mom's flying up here from Florida to be here for the birth. My mom wants me to lie and tell people who ask that she is NOT coming up, so that she won't have to see them, because she's rather antisocial. I hate lying to people, HATE IT. And to lie for someone else is even worse, in my mind. It's unfair. So I just don't do it. My mom will sure get mad when ppl are calling my house for HER, but she'll have to get over it... or choose not to, that's on her. Good luck w/your mom, she sounds like my mom!!! Stubborn!

i say to take that lunch with grandma. she won't be around to much longer and you don't want to regret it. you are a grown woman now that can make your own decisions of your life and raise your children. every child should know their grandparents and mom will just have to get over it. let her know that you love both of them and you don't want to choose between the two. good luck and have fun

V....GO SEE YOUR GRANDMOTHER! You are a grown woman with children and your mother will need to realize that. This sounds too much like" If I dont like her u shouldnt like her" high school type situation. While your mother and grandmother may not have had a relationship, as people get older, sometimes they realize mistakes and try to make amends in their own way. There is nothing wrong with you trying to have a relationship with your grandmother and your mother as your mother should respect your decision and love you anyway. In life, we have to do as God and our hearts lead us....while your mother may be hurt, you must make the decision on your own. She will have to understand in order to maintain the relationship that u two have. Good luck.

Oh V.,
This sounds a little familiar but not the same in my family. My mom and her siblings don't get along. I see no reason for me not to talk to them and try to have a relationship just because they all don't get along. When I have my girls birthdays everyone is invited. I make it clear that no one will be left out. If they decide not to attend becaue they can't put their differences aside that is not my problem. They should be adult enough to put everything aside for a couple hours for the children they are what's important.

I would definately have lunch with your grandmother. Your mother is controlling your life. She has her own let her deal with that. You need to do what you feel is right. These are your children not hers. She had her own and chose another way of family. This is not your problem. Always make sure you invite everyone your children want to see and who love your children unconditionally to any function. Like I said if they don't come that's on them. They can make plans at another time to see your kids. Make it clear to your mother that you will have a relationship with your grandmother and it is fine that she doesn't like it. Jst tell her that you will always love her and she will always be able to see her granchildren, but it is important to have a relationship with your grandmother. Don't let someone else control your life. Take a stand. How would you want your children to act. Remember you are their role model.

Hi V.
My name is Jen, I feel really bad about what your mom is doing, I can relate completely.My mother and I had one of those relationships where it was like we were 2 strangers that despised oneanother, her and her mom also had their share of problems, long story short, Your moms behavior is totally unacceptable, what ever her mom and her have going on has absolutely nothing to do with you and your children, and for her to say tell your kids gramma is dead is just sick, did she ever think of what they or you would go through if they found out she is not? She sounds like someone that can really hold a grudge, which is very unhaelthy in many ways. Life is too short, way too short for people to have such hatred toward anyone, especially their family, it is sad. I think you know what is right, but if you ask me, go see your gram, let you children know who she is and have a relationship with her, because that is what is right.Your mom needs to get over it, and stop acting like a child,because if she don't she will live the rest of her life with unbearable regret. Life is too short. Let her know that, and that whatever you decide to do is what you feel is right, your love for your mom will not diminish because you have a relationship with her mom. A bigger person will forgive. Best of luck and let me know what happens okay, and remember never do anything to make anyone else happy but yourself, especially thing that in your heart you know are wrong, and that goes for pleasing your mom.

Hello V.,

I think that the quarell is between your mom and your grandmother not you and your babies. Your babies should have every right to know their grandmother.Your mom should understand that.

I have that problem with my mom and my biological father as well as my step dad.My step dad had been there for ever there for me and then I am older and 5months pregnant so i wanted to know my father a little and that hurt both my mom and my step mom but they understand and dont stand in my way. They keep their opionions to themselves.

Stay strong family is important sweetie and let your grandmother know her great grand babies life is short you dont want to regret live at any point.

I feel so bad that your in this situation. It's hard to say what to do, I have a great relationship with all my family. So from that stand point I would say, try and sit with your mother and explain to her that I'm sorry you had such a rough time with your mom, however this is my grandmother and she has not done anything to me or my girls.

I guess try and see if your mother understands where you are coming from. Say to her that she would be hurt if you and your sisters did that to her when the girls get older and have a family of their own. You only have one chance @ life so you try and do the best you can, because you don't want to have any woulda, coulda, shoulda's. I'm sorry I know this is a difficult topic, but I hope this some what helped ya.

ME:
I am also @ sahm with a husband of almost 6yrs.

V., please don't ever lie to your kids. Somehow they will find out and believe me they will. As they get older, they ask more questions and will find the answers they are seeking. I had a bad relationship with my mother in fact it still can be shaky. We have gotten older and I found that by going with what I feel to do is good for the most part. Lieing about your grandmother being dead is totally wrong. I found out that the truth is so much easier to keep straight. I was caught in a lie so bad one time i couldn't talk myself out of the mess I created. I just had to say the truth no matter what. I suggest that you have your kids meet your grandmother now while you still can. You don't have to involve your mother until they have had at least a chance to meet her. If you have not had a bad relationship with her then go for it. Meet someplace where your mom is not likely to see you and just spend some time with her. She may not be around for your kids to talk with her and I 'm sure she wants to see them. Your mom shouldn't have anything to say about who you see. You are over 21, I'm guessing and should be free to do as you want. I say to have them meet their great grandmother before it is too late. They may only get one chance to have a great memory of her rather than no memories at all. I say that your mother is just going to have to like the idea of you being able to have a relationship with her and she can't. She is jelous of your relationship with her and it makes her mad. I know that it makes you the bad guy in this and you have to be in the middle of it all. If your mom tries to stop it or finds out she will just have to like it. It is your life and your relationship with her. She is your mother and may not like the idea that you can have a good relationship with her mother but you have to go with your heart. she is your grandmother be with her as much as you can while you can. My grandmother was 97 when she died and i have some wonderful memories of her now. I would just go ahead and try to be with her as much as possible. Your mom will just have to understand. I know this is hard on you being in the middle like this, but it is worth it being with your grandmother now. After she is gone it will be too late to introduce your kids to a probably wonderful lady. They should not be deprived of her memories and stories she could tell them. She is part of their inheritance and should not be thrown away. That is all i guess hope this turns out for you.