My mom's long term boyfriend of 20 years recently passed away. He fully supported her all this time (she is 70 now) although he was an alcoholic and they did not get along at ALL the last 4 plus years. He has had cancer the last 6 years and was refusing treatments. For years my mom has complained about him and been very bitter about him...how much they dislike each other, how she wishes he would move out, how stressful it is to live with him. When we come to visit she makes him stay in a hotel bc she does not want her grandkids around someone who wakes up, drinks scotch all day, and passes out by 3pm. Now that he has died she is a huge mix of emotions. She misses him. She is sad and feels guilty for all her negative feelings and for being mean to him. They never married so now she probably cannot collect his social security payments and thus will not have enough money to support herself. This adds to her stress. She is VERY stressed. She is planning out a memorial service with his two sons and a pastor. I have been talking to her daily and would like to attend the memorial service to be there to support her. I was never close to him, but still I feel sad that he has died. She is adamant that I not waste my money (her words) to come. She wants me to come another time to help her with a big garage sale and to come help her move at some point. But I feel like I should be there anyway and she just does not realize yet that it will bring her comfort. The problem is...my husband is out of town on a work trip this week and gets back Saturday night. The memorial service is Saturday morning. If I went I would need to fly out there Friday and come back Sunday. I would not take my kids since the tickets are $500 each. BUT I cannot leave them with no one to take care of them! My son is 9 and would be fine staying with a friend one night. My daughter is 4 and is very attached to me and has a very hard time going to bed without mom. (This is a problem, I know). She can handle her dad putting her to sleep but I don't feel comfortable dropping her off at a friend's house. She would have a hard time. My husband says he cannot cancel his work trip. What should I do? Should I push it and tell him to cancel it? Should I take my daughter and spend $1,000 (UGH)? Should I have a babysitter come stay at our house for the night and have the babysitter and my daughter suffer a very bad night where she gets upset bc mom is not home and takes forever to go to sleep? I don't even know who could do this. I wish we had some family nearby...at least I could have someone to help.
Just so everyone knows, yes, I would go out again at another date to help her with a garage sale. And I plan on going out again to help her move/pack. I also plan on going there with the kids this summer to visit. If I went to the service this does not mean I would not go out to help her. The thing with my mom is she gets anxious and overwhelmed and cannot think straight. I know if she had one family member there with her it would help her a lot...emotionally. I am talking to my brother. One of us will go to the memorial service for sure. It probably will end up being him. I am super grateful that he can go so my mom will have one family member there to help her with things. We are still working out the details.
To answer WWs question…sadly, no my mom did not plan for retirement. She never paid for health insurance and she never saved for retirement. She does have some money saved but if you ask me not nearly enough. She was a single parent and sold real estate when my brother and I were growing up. She opted out of doing these things in order to have more money. Big mistake. Believe me, I learned from her mistakes and I do save for retirement. Unfortunately, I am probably going to have to help her out now.
Don't go but do send flowers, etc. Perhaps write a note to the sons.
You mom has told you what she needs - help at a later date. So do as she is asking.
I am sorry for everyone involved. Take your mother's advice and skip the memorial service. Your mom will have a huge outpouring of sympathy and help for the next week or two. And it will then all disappear in a cloud of smoke when everyone else resumes their daily lives. She will need you much more in the months and years to come. Conserve your energy for the long haul. Good luck to you, and I wish your mother well.
Don't go. She needs your help later and she'll just be pissed that you ignored her advice, AND stressed because she won't believe that you'll come back later when she really needs you.
Tell her that if it's any consolation, that she may have been responsible for his medical debts and any other debts if she had married him. That may have cost her a lot more than the social security money she could have collected. At least she doesn't have to settle his estate (she should refuse to do that...)
Respect your Mom's wishes and save the trip for another time.
Send her some flowers or a fruit arrangement.
2 stressed women (her because of his death/her conflicted emotions, you over your small child) = Bad time for all
I would take your mother's advice and go at a later date when she needs you. I would certainly call her the day of and even the days right around the memorial. You can support her long distance via the phone for now. Good luck and my condolences to your family.
You should stay home as your mom suggested and go when she needs you to help her with the garage sale. Your mom will have his family and friends there for support so I would not feel obligated under the circumstances to go. Good luck.
Somehow you've managed to turn this into a situation about you. It's not about you. Your mom kept her boyfriend separated from her family for a reason. She didn't ask for you to come out to support her in fact she specifically asked you not to come out right now. She does have the emotional support right now from his 2 sons and a pastor. Send a card, send flowers if you like but stay home and go out when your mom needs the help.
I would just do as she asked and help her with the garage sale at another time. It is clear that traveling to the service is not going to work out and your mom has already said not to come.
As her if there is anything else you can do to help show support from afar. Can you send some money to help with the arrangements? Buy flowers or help with the purchase of headstone? Give her a call the morning of to show support?
Likely it would be nice for your mom for you to be there. She's likely just trying to be practical telling you to come later. So if you didn't have these complications, I would go if you could. But figure it's just not in the cards and it's ok bc it she's not asking you to come now. She will have his sons and likely some friends, right? Not like the day of the service is the only day that she's going to be upset. Look at it this way - you're spreading out the support. She'll have people at the service and later she'll have you. Maybe another trip AFTER she moves would be good. The money you're saving too might be helpful to give her if you can... A friend's father died and a bit different bc it was a pretty good marriage (although he was really really tough for the mother for about a year) and 3 months later, my friend just went to visit again. Her mom is still very sad and so happy my friend came. So "don't blow your wad"' now is a way to look at it. There will be lots of time to be there for her. And if it was THAT crucial you be there, couldn't they move the day a little? That may be a stupid thing to say bc fortunately I haven't planned a funeral but I'd think there's a little flexibility...
Listen to your mother. She needs you to help her clean out all of his stuff at a later date.
Instead consider sending food to the gathering after the memorial. Or contact a friend and see if they can take your mom out for a meal, that evening, your treat.
Call your mom that morning of the memorial and again that night. She will be able to get through it, because she will still know you are supporting her, even though you are not right there with her.
I think, if you are really feeling you can make (financially, that is) both the trip to the memorial and the trip to help her pack up, I would find a babysitter and go. We love our children, most certainly, but sometimes they need to come second to others who have a very real need for our time and attention. Your daughter might be a little sad or mad, but she does need to know that there will be times when you will need to take care of others first. This is okay and important. My guess is that, if you are able to provide the emotional support during both the garage sale AND the time of the memorial, that might be a good idea to do both.
If, however, your financial situation requires you only visit once, then please listen to her and go during the time *she* thinks she will need you most. Sorting through a loved one's belongings is emotionally very draining and difficult. My guess is that, if she has her step-sons helping her with the memorial, she will likely be able to do this without your presence (no matter how helpful it could be). It often happens that, after the memorial/funerals are over and food has been dropped, people sort of disappear. It's usually in the weeks after those events that people need more help.
I'm sending you good wishes.
Gosh, you sound like ME. I sooooooo understand how your brain works. LOL.
Take a deep breath for a moment. Take another one.
Everything is going to be ok. Regardless of what you decide, it will all be ok.
In my mind, you have a couple of reasonable options:
1. You postpone your trip to see your mom until someone can be with the kids. This may be easier to plan when it isn't a rushed trip, but more of a planned out one. Your mom will be ok, if you aren't there. She told you that. The two of you can spend time together and she can grieve with you and gain your support when you come to see her. She may truly need your help with the garage sale and sorting through things. Your energy might be better spent with this type of help.
OK, second possible option. Do you have a sitter with whom you trust? And, are they available? If so, this is a 2nd option. Your sitter will make the bedtime thing work for one night. Your daughter will be fine. You aren't going for a week or a month. It's one night. If this option isn't possible because there is NO sitter, I would go back to option 1.
It will all workout.
Remember, deep breaths.
Listen to your mom. Meet the need she has. She has a big job ahead of her and she will need you more then. Just call her, listen to her and be there for her later.
If you want to go, then go. Often children are much better with strangers over their parents. The lines of boundary are clearer. She may not actually have the hard time you are envisioning for her and even if she does, whomever you have hand selected would be equipped to deal with her melt down and may even let her stay up longer until she just passes out from sheer exhaustion.
If I had this decision to make, I would go and leave my kiddos in the hands of a person equipped to handle the needs of my children for 1 night and 1 day until my hubby got home to take over.
It won't be the end of your 4 year olds world or yours either. I say Go for it.
ADDED
See if your mom's state will recognise common law relationships. This may help her with social security. I'm not certain but it may be worth a try especially after 20 years.
Get a sitter. Your daughter will survive one night without you putting her to bed. Your mom needs you, regardless her insisting she doesn't. She needs someone there for her.
if you don't have the $1K to spend - don't go. Your mom already said NOT NOW. And told you when she will need you...and that's NOT now. Help her with the garage sale and cleaning out his stuff.
Make the trip when you can and NOT be stressed.
I'm sorry for your mom's loss. I would tell her to check with her state laws to see if she qualifies as common law wife. She would be then qualified to receive his social security benefits. Without being rude - did your mom not plan for her retirement?
Good luck!! I hope all works out well!! Sorry for the loss!
Sounds like you can't go, as much as you might want to.
Go at a later time and help her with the garage sale, as she requested.
IF you can find someone that you know& trust--get the sitter and go.
The relationship and emotions you're describing on your moms part could apply to tons of married couples in the USA.
Be there for your mom.
You won't get another chance to support her exactly like this.
O. thing you might want to offer to your mom as a way of coping and validating her feelings is to suggest that:
1. There is good and bad on all of us
2. Her BF had plenty of good in him or she wouldn't have cared for him at all
3. Sometimes the conflict of feelings like she is having is because she is not only mourning him, she's mourning the loss of what could have been, might have been. Like most family members living with an addict, I'm sure she hoped and prayed that his life would change O. day.
I'm sorry for your/her loss.
