Seeking Advice - Eden Prairie,MN

if history plays a part, you have every right to bring it up. when married you act appropriately. Billy Graham never had his door shut when a woman was in his office, that meant that no one could question any of his actions.

T.,

My first question would be, does he know that the flirting bothers you? I would be up front and explain what bothers you and how you came across it. You were not intentionally looking for fault just trying to see how you went over on minutes.

Good luck!

Agree with all the other posts - the fact that there's no trust is concerning.

Of course it's OK for husbands to have friendships with your friends as well, but it should be something that's being hidden. Your friends should know better as well.

Can you sit him down and let him know how you feel (without divulging everything)? Otherwise, it seems like something that going to continue to wedge its way between you and perhaps hurt your relationship further.

T.,

From one jealous wife with history to another, tell him how it makes you feel that he deletes everything. My husband also has a habit of deleting everything. I told him that it would help ME tremendously with MY trust issues if he would just stop deleting. I have a right to know and if he doesn't have anything to hide, it doesn't hurt anything not to delete. Approach it from "MY PROBLEM", not his and see how that goes. Point out that he would be HELPING YOU with YOUR ISSUE. That way it isn't an attack on him and he won't go all defensive immediately. If his guard is down, it is easier to read the truth from his body language and even from what he says.

And as a jealous person, a little digging around - whether you get copies of the texts - or talk to your so called "friends" - doesn't hurt either!

We tend to create the thing we focus on, whether we want it or not. What are you creating? This is an invitation for you to look at yourself and get over your jealousy. It's personal growth time! Get clear on what you WANT and focus your attention on finding evidence that it's true. For instance, if you want him to prioritize you in his life, look at all the things he does for you and with you. I'm not trying to defend or protect him. (He may or may not be a skunk. I don't know.) The part that you can control is YOU and how you feel. You're creating unhappiness. Find everything in your life that you can be happy about, and grow it as big as you can. Do you want an honest, authentic relationship with him? If so, then start by telling him your worries and concerns, and tell him that you are working on becoming less jealous, and tell him you saw the phone bill and what you thought about it. We all have emotional needs that go beyond what our partner can do for us; if you try to cut him off from other people it will backfire. He's an adult and gets to make his own choices. Would you want him controlling who you can talk to? Can you talk to him about your concerns in a loving way that does not blame him for how you feel? You're using "history" as your reason for the way you feel, but history doesn't exist NOW unless you bring it into now by thinking about it. I'd love to help. Send me a message if you want to.

Is it jealously or suspision? If he has 'stepped out' on you in the past then he has no reason to expect you to trust him. If he has never had an affair then you need to work on your trust issues. My daughter was going through this with her hubby and he finially went to a counselor and was told that flirting is a classic symtom of depression in men. I think you need to go to couples counseling and work out the issues in your marriage.
One big issue I would be very worried about is STDs. Many STDs do not have any symptoms in women or take years to show symptoms. If he is having an affair and you are having unprotected sex with him are you risking your life by having sex with your husband. Both of you need to be checked for STDs.

I would confront him and your friend. There is absolutely no reason for them to be texting each other and the fact that they haven't told you is kind of a red flag for me. Good luck!

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but I would certainly point out to him that you are way over the limit because of all the texting he has been doing. I wouldn't make accusations but I would make him very aware that you know what he is doing. But I would also ask why he is texting your friends so much? I would be very upset, and I think you have a valid reason why you would be asking. If you don't want to confront your husband ask your "friends" why they are texting your husband so much. Unless you have a birthday or anniversary that is coming up soon I would be very suspecious as to why this is going on.

There are ways to get copies of those texts from the cellphone company if you REALLY want them. I guess I would ask him about it - my DH is the same way, so because the cell bill is in my name only, I had the cell company disable texting on his phone without telling him. When he asked me about it, I just told him that keeping secrets from me is not acceptable, and I wasn't going to help pay for him to do it. He didn't even argue. I am a flirtatious person also, and I text and speak to a lot of people.....but I also don't try to hide anything at all. My DH can go through my phone, purse, etc. at any time and I don't care, because I don't keep secrets from him. On the other hand, he is very secretive with what he does on the comp., cell phone, etc.....not necessarily because he is doing something wrong, but because he thinks that I will get mad at him for whatever reason (he says I'm a very jealous person, and tend to over-react to things - and he's right). I have just found ways to find out without him knowing - networked computers can have tracking programs easily installed from another computer, cell phones can be restricted, etc. It really depends on how badly you want to get it across to him that keeping secrets isn't the way to have a healthy relationship.
Good luck to you.

I would question him on why the cell phone bill is so high. Maybe he will confess. If not tell him you guys should check it out together, because your phone bill should not be so high.

this is very inappropriate .....sounds like there are a lot of issues in this marriage......i would never tolerate this from my friends or husband.

I certainly wouldn't let this slide but I wouldn't accuse either. I am a flirt and when my husbands male co workers would call to our home they would talk with me for a bit before talking with my husband. They always told him I was much more fun to talk with. My husband knows without a doubt that while I like to flirt, I will never ever have an affair because my personal values. He also thinks it is funny and gets a big kick out of someone making me blush since it doesn't happen much. Could be that your husband is enjoying the flirting because it makes him feel attractive and sexy but won't take it past the texting. He could be deleting them because he knows you don't like his flirting.. which makes it wrong. Your feelings need to be first and he needs to cut out the texting and most of the flirting. You in turn can learn to trust him and believe in him. If he isn't willing to do this then you both need counciling or you need to go alone if he doesn't go. This will help you figure out what you want the future to hold.

That said I would also go to the "friends" and tell them you noticed on the bill how much they text back and forth with your husband. Ask them to stop, it isn't a friend who would go behind your back to flirt with your husband. The open flirting is one thing but I would have a fit about the hidden flirting also. If your friends don't stop, I would concider them untrue friends and not trust them at all.

I would also show the bill online to your husband and tell him it better stop and it better stop now. Don't accuse him of cheating, but let him know he crossed a line.

ABSOLUTLY CONFRONT HIM! There is no reason he should be deleating his messages if there is nothing for him to hide. There is a way for him to set Auto Erase, so say once the inbox or outbox reaches its capacity, it deletes the oldest one when you revieve or send a new one... does that make sense? But that way he doesn't say that his inbox got full so he had to delete everything.

If you don't feel comfortable about saying anything about him text your friends and feeling snoopy, you should point out the fact that he has used tons of text messages.... and you want to know who/why he is texting so much! Besides the fact that he may be acting unloyal, he is causing you guys to have an outragious phone bill, thoes texts and overage minutes REALLY add up. Do the phone companies really need more of our money?!?! Anywho... just act like your conserned with your phone bill, perhaps tell him your going online to try to figure it out, then print out how many texts he sent, and the number list... and then just be like ... "weird, thats sallys number" or what not!

Best of luck, I feel your pain. Technology is so awesome, but can also cause LOTs of Relationship problems!

First of all, if these women are texting him back, they are not your friends. You and your husband need to talk, talk, and talk some more. Express your concern without judging and let him talk. If he gets immediately defensive, you have your answer.

Jealousy or not, his behavior is totally uncalled for. He has no business whatsoever talking to your friends and texting them. And if he has to erase everything, then its not okay. He is your husband, not your friends husband, nor is it appropriate for him to be doing so. its one thing if one of them was a long time friend of his, but that fact remains that if he has to go behind your back, then he's embarrassed by what you'd find.

You can't hide a phone bill and as long as you don't get in a yelling match with him, you need to show him the bill and tell him that his behavior is not appropriate and things need to be either explained adn in the open or they need to change. Because this will escalate hurt feelings between you until things end badly and both of you are bitter towards the other. If you have children, you really want to avoid the bitter feelings and fighting. And the more you yell the more he'll shut down. So you need to keep it calm and let him know how much all this is hurting you.

This may be a stupid question but, have you noticed this before? Could he be planning something for you? A suprise party or a valentines day thing??? If he isn't in the habit of texting your friends - why would he start now? And with 2 of them? I would mention the bill to him and see what he says. It is not being jealous to check on your minutes or to investigate why your bill is so high. Hopefully he will let you know what is going on and if he doesn't - try to ask him about the texts without accusing him of something. If he still won't talk about it - tell him if he won't be honest about the texts to your friends - all you can do is suspect the worst. Then I would begin my investigation into the records and begin talking to my friends to find out what is going on.

Good Luck - hopefully this is something that has a reasonable explanation behind it.

Oh heck yeah you have every right to be mad. I’m so appalled at the fact that your so called friends are a part of this too! Ask him how he would feel if you were flirtatious with his friends or if you were texting his friends! There is a MAJOR lack of respect here on your husband’s part and you obviously have good reason not to trust him. I could call him several names but will refrain from typing what I am thinking =-)

Out of respect for yourself, say something, but don’t be confrontational. Tell him how you feel. You should do it sooner rather than later before your anger gets so bad that you fly off the handle (as well you should but not constructive).

Lastly dump those people you call friends. If they were truly your friends they wouldn’t be doing this behind your back or in front of you for that matter. How hurtful!!!!! Let us all know what happened and I wish you tons of luck!

I'd be pissed too! I'm not a jealous person, but what if the situation was reversed? Would he find it acceptable if YOU were texting his friends?

Without a doubt. That is a huge red flag. Don't ignore it.

Without knowing the "history" it's hard to answer but a conversation about something that is bothering you is never a bad thing. I'd tell him the deleting the texts makes you suspicious and the foundation of any good relationship is trust and if he's doing things that seem suspicious it's making it hard for you to trust him.

I have the option on my phone to delete all incoming and outgoing texts automatically. Maybe he has the option and he hasn't ever changed it. Mine only stores them if I go and tell my phone to do it. I turned it on because I won't hide anything from my husband. Plus then I can go back and reference things.

But I'd talk to him. That can't be a bad thing.

My son's wife was texting her "girlfriends" husbands (friends of my son) behind his back, complaining about her sex life and saying how good looking the guys were, etc. My son found several of the texts when she found herself a new man...she had been cheating on him since June and he didn't find out until August. She acted the same and the only way he finally found out was from the text messages and then she was dumb enought to put the guys picture on her cell phone!..She had no desire to work on their marriage with my son so looks like they will be getting a divorce. She has a history of a new man every 5-7 years and my son was her 3rd. He says he feels sorry for the new guy as he will be where my son is now in 5 years. So if I were you, I'd take this texting to my girl friends very seriously and why delete them and the phone call history if all is innocent!