Seeking Advice - Germantown,MD

Keep in mind she is only 2 and her ability to put words to her feelings is not very developed yet. When my young children would make comments like that I would validate their feelings and help them create expressions that fit the situation. For example "You are upset because it's time to put the toys away?" "I know its hard to stop when you are having fun. Right now we need to do ___________. We can come back and play with the toys again later ok?" etc. Just give her the right words for the situation and she will learn to say what she means... right now "I don't like you" seems to be the only way she knows to express being upset or disappointed. I don't think punishing her for trying to express her feelings is the way to go at this point. She might start thinking she cannot share with you how she feels or she will be punished.

one. she will be saying this the rest of her life until she is 24 and realizes you are her best friend.
two. you should counter her with . "well, I LOVE you" then hug her and walk away! you will shock her everytime.
(this still works wonders on stopping my 18 year old son in his tracks)
btw. I also have a 2 1/2 year old! so I do it to her too!

Hi,
My daughter is doing the same type of things right now. Today it was "I'm going to throw you away" when I put berries in her oatmeal & "You're a mean person" when I told her she could not watch a show. Yesterday it was "I hate this house, I'm leaving & I'm not gonna wear shoes!" when I told her to stop standing on the chair. At bedtime it's "I don't like you, I like Mommy" when my husband's putting her to bed & vice versa. I don't let it get to me b/c I know she's trying to express how she feels in any way she knows how. Time out is really not going to work for this b/c she's not going to stop having feelings. She needs a new way to communicate them. Her understanding of the punishment would be that her feeling is wrong - which it never is. Your kids do not have to like you all the time, even though that doesn't feel so good. I try to "translate" what it is that she's saying; "I'm sorry that you didn't want berries this morning, but it is what we are having for breakfast." That helps to teach them a better way to communicate. Also, whenever I get a negative statement directed at me personally I alway flip flop it positively back to her. "Well, I would never throw you away, what would I do w/o you?" "I hate you gets an "I love you" right back w/o any other needed response. "I try very hard to be a nice person, I'm sorry you feel that I'm mean, sometimes." is also an effective response for me. I try not to put too much of an emphasis on "you are really hurting my feelings" b/c sometimes I feel like that is making the child feel guilty for feeling the way they do. They can't process how they're feeling effectively, how can they be expected to be responsible for how you're feeling, too? At a young age they are learning to articulate their feelings and their feelings deserve to be respected. Now, hitting does deserve a punishment but will be uneffective if she is not offered an alternative solution to how she's feeling. A time out w/o being told why hitting isn't appropriate and what to do instead of hitting is going to leave you both frustrated. You may want to prepare yourself for negative feelings towards the new baby, too, when he or she arrives. We went through quite a bit of the "I hate you"s to the baby & declarations that he was not her brother, etc. Of course it was sad but you can't let that get to you either. We always just said, "well, he loves you." or "well, you're always going to be his big sister." & a lot of "you don't have to like him, but you do have to be nice." And it did eventually get so much better. But IF this does happen, too, remember that not allowing her to have her natural feelings of jelousy, anxiety, etc. towards the new baby will only exacerbate the problem.

Your'e NOT the worst mother in the world! Try to remember that this is pretty normal and it really doesn't have much to do w/ you being a good person at all. This, too, shall pass....

Good luck
S

Ahh yes, they learn how to push your buttons early! When my son went through that stage I'd say "Really? Well I like you. I always love you Sweetheart, but I don't always love some of your choices.". I separated him from the action and eventually he understood he was lovable but his action was not. It's like he was angry but didn't know how to say he was angry or what was making him angry but he knew he could say something that was designed to make me angry. Sort of like If I make you angry like me then you'll know how I feel (and maybe you'll have some sympathy for me.) Toddler logic can be a bit convoluted sometimes. As he got a bit older, sometimes he would come up to me and say "I'm mad!" and if we had the time and we were at home I would sit down next to him and say "Me too!". And then we'd play a pouty game seeing who could make the best pout which eventually would turn to giggles and then we'd be laughing our heads off.

With you being 7 months pregnant, your smart 2 year old is realizing she isn't going to be the baby anymore. I'm sure that you have been more tired, probably preoccupied with baby stuff, this is her cry for attention. When she says that, it gets your attention and you focus entirely on her for a little bit. In order to stop it, I recommend 2 things. 1. Carve out time that is just for her. Don't do dishes, don't fold baby clothes, don't text or talk on the phone; just sit and do something with her. Other times, make sure when she talks, you are listening and commenting on what she says.
2. Don't give "I don't like you" any more attention. Next time she says it tell her, "Mommy does not like it when you talk like that, so when you do, Mommy is not going to listen." Next time she says it, ignore it completely. Remember to talk to her other times and listen to her, but do not respond to that.
Hope this helps.
Good luck.

At age 2 children sometimes say things they don't really mean. Your daughter is probably just being a "terrible two" person. She may not realize fully what she is saying but she knows it bothers you so when she is feeling selfish and angry she says it. Tell the child her words are disrespectful and unkind. Tell her she must not say them Look at her eye to eye when you say this and be firm. Then tell her you love her too much to let her keep using those bad words. Give her a hug and try to get her to sing a happy song to change her mood. Pray god changes her. AF

L.,

Children lash out at their parents b/c it's safe. So don't take it personally. She's angry and doesn't know how to express herself yet at 2 b/c she doesn't have the necessary vocabulary.

Even so, she needs parameters. I think time outs are still effective, but give her a 2-minute time out (1 minute per year - So next year, she'll get 3 minutes!). Take away items. If she's rude, take away a favorite toy for an hour or so. But always talk to her and explain why you're doing what you're doing. It will begin to sink in.

I'll say this much: If she's well behaved outside of the home (for the most part), you're doing a good job. As I stated earlier - kids lash out at their parents b/c they know that their parents will love them unconditionally.

And you may wish to enroll her in a 2-day, half-day preschool. She'll learn parameters!

Good luck! What you're experiencing is normal.

Hi. My kids have done/do this to me. When they would hit or say that they were going to hit. I look them in the eye and say 'that's not what we do. if you are mad then you hit a pillow or stomp the floor, but we don't hit people.'

When my kids tell me that they hate me, usually at bed time, I give one of two answers, depending on the situation. during play time: i tell them that they hurt my feelings and that I don't want to play with them anymore. Then I leave the room. If its at bedtime, I tell them that it their choice, I still love them period and when they say that it hurts my heart.
M.

Hi, L. - She's saying it because it is getting a reaction. Start ignoring the hurtful things she says and hopefully, she'll stop. Save the discipline, etc. for "the big stuff."

It's hard, but when she says things like "I don't like you!" just look at her and with an exaggerated facial expression say "Gee, that really hurts my feelings...." and then leave it at that. That way you're not making her feel like something's wrong with her persea but instead you're letting her know how it makes YOU feel. My daughter does the same thing sometimes and after I say that she reaches out for me like "Mommy!!! I want you!" but then again sometimes she doesn't.....You just can't make her feel like there's something wrong with her....

My daughter is the same age as your daughter. She is doing the EXACT same thing... I started out by telling her that I loved her when she said it...but now I tell her she is going to time out everytime she says it. To avoid timeout she says "I Like you" in the same harsh tone as "I don't like you"..so clearly she knows not to say "don't"...but her behavior is still the same...she is so belligerent with it too!I am so fed up with it and don't know what to do...I am just going to keep telling her I love her but wow...never thought at 2 1/2 I would be dealing with this.

Ignore it or say "We don't talk like that" after a while she will stop saying it.

Hi L.,

I'm going to give you the same suggestion I gave someone on here last week. Have you ever tried the contract system? It worked really well for my 5 yr old when she was going through a difficult phase (I have a 5 yr old daughter, 22 month old daughter and a 5 week old son). I use it for my child clients and help the foster parents of my clients set one up at home. I have seen it work well for children who have many behavioral difficulties. In case you are not familiar:

Have a blank at the top of the page for the child to write his/her name (or you write it). Read to the child what you wrote/typed on the top of the page - something like: "I am a great child. I want to behave for my parents. I agree that I will do the things on this page if I do not behave." It should read how he will understand - just make it appropriate for her age and maturity.

I use excel to make a chart but you can write it however you want. The point is to identify specific behaviors that are problematic then have a consequential chore for each behavior. Given her age, I would do two at most. For example, you are trying to stop her saying something negative. Talk to her and teach her what she can do and say when she is angry to appropriately express herself (I know, you are probably laughing at the thought of her appropriately doing anything!) Write/type "Saying I don't like you" under the title, "Behaviors to Improve". Also, in another block under "Behaviors", write/type "Saying I'm going to hit you". I would address both individually because she may stop saying one and continue the other if each one does not have it's own consequence. Next to each one, under the title, "Consequences", will be a chore that is age-appropriate. Try to pick something that she would not like doing. For example, my 5 yr old loves to muck our horse stalls so I can't use that as a consequence like I do for my clients. If you think about it, you can probably think of some type of work that she does not like doing.

The point of this system is that it is a contract that they sign and agree to. You are not the bad person if they must carry out their consequence. Yes, it takes some time, but it works and I have seen it work with 2 yr olds. It is great for teaching self-discipline, self-control, consequences for actions, responsibility, and confidence. Another example, we had a teenage relative of ours live with us for 3 months last year. He came from a home where there were no demands on him so he could do whatever he wanted, but at the same time, he was abused. He was very difficult when I told him to brush his teeth or bathe every night. In an effort to give him some kind of independence but enforce what was expected of him, I created his own contract that hung on the fridge. If he did not brush his teeth on his own, without me reminding him to do it, he had to scrub the tiolets upstairs. The first two days I asked him if he had brushed his teeth and reminded him of the chart before he cleaned the toilets. AFter that, I never said a word. I would hear him curse under his breath when he realized he had not brushed them then I saw him clean the toilets. This was him agreement - I never said or did anything at this point. This took one week then he never forgot to brush his teeth again.

IF the child refuses to abide by what has already been discussed and agreed upon, the child does nothing, loses all privaledges until he/she complies with the contract. It takes patience at first but it will work. I had parents in a parenting class that I taught two months ago who tried this with their two-year-old son and it did work. He was physically acting out against his parents and his older brother.

I hope this helps! Good luck. I hope you find an answer soon.

At 2 she is learning to express how she feels. When she gets upset or things don't go her way this might be the only way she knows how to express herself. Try asking her if she says that becuase her feelings are hurt or because she wants to do something and it's not ok. Talk to her about the other things she could say like 'you hurt my feelings' or 'i'm mad' or 'i don't like what you said'. this way it teaches her how to voice her feelings and it gives you an idea as to what she is thinking and why. You'll get a better understanding. My friend went so far as to make 'mood faces' which are like smiley faces with each bookmark had a different face on it to represent how you are feeling. It worked wonders with her daughter.

For a start, you sound like a very caring mother and not the worst mother ever!
Maybe 'Time Out' could be introduced to her in a different way. Find a small chair, a step, or even the floor....somewhere that you can keep an eye on her but where there is NO television or toys.
When she says something disrespectful tell her that she is to sit in time out for two minutes....as she's two years old. Tell her why she's going into time out. Tell her she's hurt your feelings and you're upset with her.
Get her to stay in time out for two minutes. Every time she gets up the two minutes start over, and explain this to her.
After the two minutes, go to her and ask her to say sorry for saying something bad to you. If she does, tell her you love her and give her a big hug.
Even though you're pregnant and so tired you need to really stick to this if you choose this is a way to go. She needs to know that you're her mother and that she needs to respect you.....and everyone else!
All the best with your new bundle and hope things get easier. Chances are she's feeling a little insecure with things that are going on the are out of her control. She needs a strong loving mother and just be posting your question we can tell just how much you love her.
Take care.

hi L.,
first off, i'm glad that you realize your pregnancy is hormoning you up. she probably does 'mean' it at the moment she says it, but 2 year olds live in the moment and as another poster pointed out, you do want her to feel comfortable to express her feelings. but of course you also realize that she doesn't mean it deep down. the best way to handle this sort of thing, hard as it is, is to refuse to feed it. just let it go. any reaction will spark interest and the possibility of exploring and exploiting it when she's older and learns how to push buttons. if it gets no reaction, it's not of use and she'll discard it. hitting is another matter. i would totally stick with time out for that. remember time out is a long-term fix, you won't get instant results. but for the words, i'd give a total blank, although i adore the suggestion of a cheerful 'but i love YOU!' and walking away. that might be the best yet!
good luck.
:) khairete
S.

It is hard when our kids say hurtful things to us. She must have heard statements like this from someone else and she has gotten a reaction from you when she has said this to you in the past. I know it is hard to ignore how hurtful the statements are, but remember, our kids tend to strike out at their parents because they are confident that we will always be there for them. She does not mean the statements as they stand - she is frustrated and trying to get her way!

I would suggest to continue to ignore the statement's meaning, but to focus on why she is frustrated. Or you could offer her another way to vocalize her frustration. Instead of I don't like you, tell her to say, I am angry right now. or something that seems acceptable to you.

Is it possible that she is feeling upset that she will soon have a sibbling? Try to keep her involved with the prep as much as you are able. Good luck!

Discipline or time outs are not the answer. It is a phase, she is testing out how what she says gets a reaction. She is learning that words are power, and that she can affect something. Soon enough she will move onto "how" and "why", have fun with it. It is part of learning, just let het know that it makes you feel bad when she says things like that, she will eventually stop, I promise. My usual response was, "I still love you" and to give them a hug, if they let me.

L. - Please don't worry. This is so common at 2 years. All 3 of my kids have tried saying things along those lines when they were frustrated. My response has always been something along the lines of "and I love you always" but I don't give in to whatever it is that is bothering them. It usually deflates the anger without giving them any sense of power or accomplishment.

She may be doing it to get a reaction, try the old standby "Thats ok, I love you a lot" then busy yourself with something else. See if a few rounds of that change her plan.