Screaming Older Sister

I too would try the earmuff and/or ear plug idea, my son is three and loves to wear them ( he had to where them to go to Monster Jam, and now doesn't want to take them off!). Good luck to you!

One idea is to praise her anytime she makes any sort of positive movement towards her little sister no matter how slight. Even if it is just sitting quietly next to her. Give her lots of attention and praise at these times. Also think about what really motivates her - what are her favorite things? Tell her that she can have/do x or y because she is being such a good big sister. Save those things for those moments. Tell her how proud you are of her. Keep on having her help with her sister since you said it did work of a while. Ask her to choose between 2 outfits for her sister to wear or what to eat for lunch. Thank her for her help and praise her for being such a helpful big sister.

I really feel for you! I can't tell if you're angry with your 3 year old, or just at wits end and letting it hang out here -- I hope the latter. It sounds like your 3 year old is really struggling -- I'm sure she doesn't like this situation any more than you do!

Coupla thoughts: It's very plausible that if she's sensitive to sound or other stimulus, then it really DOES drive her out of her skin to hear even a regular amount of crying. All the reasoning in the world will not change her sensory overload. That coupled with the normal emotional demands of sharing you and her life with a baby....

I strongly recommend that you ask your preschool director or prediatrician for a referral to an occupational therapist who is familiar with sensory integration issues. There are all sorts of simple, practical things you can do to help cope with sensitivities. In my classroom I have done things ranging from having more than one place for a child to take refuge from the noise-level (a cozy, contained spot with lots of pillows, for example) as well as talking about when s/he gets overloaded and how it feels - and then what s/he can do when s/he gets that feeling - go to the cozy spot, cover her ears, count to 20, etc. The far end of the spectrum was one year we had a child who was so sensitive to sounds that her OT suggested we get a set of sound-reducing headphones. They cut some but not all the sound out, and it was miraculous. If you prefer, you could contact Support for Families of Children with Special Needs, which is a non-profit clearinghouse of information and resources like this. They would definitely have appropriate referrals. http://www.supportforfamilies.org/

In addition to the sensory part, remember that she's three -- and adding a sibling presents difficulties for most families. All the usual advice about how to help an older toddler adjust to the changes of having a baby at home apply, maybe even more so since it's been difficult for your family.

Hi N.,
Sorry, huge to you. Your situation sounds rough. :-(

Three year olds are a real pain in the butt most of the time. I have an almost-4-year-old and a 12month old, so I know how hard it can be even when everything is going OK. The good news is that the worst stage seems to be at 3.5, and as they approach four years old, things get better. They start making a little more sense again. ;-)

Anyway, my suggestion would be to give her earplugs. You can try both the foam ones and the silicone ones. The silicone plugs block noise a lot better, but they can be creepy, as they also block out air. Try those first and if your daughter doesn't like them,, then try the foam ones. You can buy both kinds at any drugstore.

I'm sure she is being dramatic, but I'm also sure there is an element of truth. My baby is a LOUD screamer and sometimes I swear, one scream from him just SHREDS my nerves. I also think he has damaged my hearing, he is just SO loud at times. So I can sympathize with your daughter.

It also might help your relationship with her for her to see that you are sympathizing with her sensitivity to the baby noise, and making a concrete effort to help her avoid it with the earplugs. She may not take to them on the first few tries (being a three year old and all, and probably not wanting to try anything new, or resisting simply because you have suggested it), but keep them in your purse and keep suggesting them every time she complains.

If all else fails, YOU can use them if both kids start screaming at the same time. I have put in earplugs myself on such an occasion, and honestly, they REALLY help. LOL.

This is a tough job. I keep repeating to myself, "This too shall pass...it will only get easier with time."

One last suggestion...if you haven't already started sign language with your baby, please do so ASAP. It really helps cut down on the screaming, and gives the baby an alternative way to communicate, plus it also lessens the baby's frustration at not being understood.

I would recommend starting with "Signing Time, Vol. 1" Your older daughter will love it too. Very entertaining and very educational. You will all pick up the basic signs for "eat, drink, more, milk" very quickly, on the first viewing. After that, it's just a matter of using them very consistently.

The sooner she picks up signing, the less screaming she will do. I have definitely seen that happen with both my boys.

Good luck!
L. Hamilton
http://www.theportablebaby.com

I know what you are going through the only difference is that I have two boys (2 1/2 years apart). The worst of the time with the older one was his the beginning of his 3rd year. Everything I've learned is that 3 year olds are EXTREMELY emotional and they are looking to find some control over their own lives. Having a little sibling throws extra problems into succeeding in making things go their own way.
I have found that I get the best communication from my older son when I really set limits/boundaries with him. For example knowing that he is old enough to understand my reasoning but not old enough to control his emotions all of the time I do the following. If he is crying/whining to get my attention/something he wants/to talk to his brother, I tell him "It's ok to be sad/mad/frustrated/etc. but you are a big boy and you can use your words to tell me that. Then I tell him he can cry in his room until he can take three deep breaths, calm down and tell me what he needs/wants with his big boy words. Then I help him get to his room and then I walk away. When I hold firm to this plan he cries or whines less often and for shorter amounts of time. It really is a help and he is learning better how to communicate with me. In the mean time whenever I catch him talking to his younger brother nicely or asking for thing without whining I make a point to tell him how much I love hearing him talk like that and I try to give him extra love and attention when he does that.
Good luck!

This is what my 2 girls 10 & 12 (who also have an 18 yr old brother) think & recommend: that jelously is completely normal, regular special alone times with you and the 3 year old. Even just little things like stories when you can.Read her 'Annies stories' special stories that help children with their feelings. Give her a special screaming pillow.Tell her how much you love her and that the baby could never replace her.

My 2 girls are 2 1/2 years apart. What I think is this: Allow your daughter to seperate this phase won't last - respect her need to calm down and work out her feelings,try not to label this.My sister's son took his sister's hospital bag set it out on the front porch and demanded that his mother send his sister back!! It is so very very normal.

The less you 'directly' intervene the better.You can make the recommendations and continue to VALIDATE her feelings - help her name them and make that Ok. it sounds like you have been somewhat power struggling, try to do your best and then let go.

Validate the feelings, direct her to appropriate behavoir and let go. The kids who seem to have the best sibling relationships are the ones that parents control the least as they get older especially this happens parents will label one child and it goes down hill for the kids from there. We really can't change our kids temperments. Maybe do somekind of verbal visualization about something you will all enjoy together with lots of emphasise on her enjoyment - keep it simple, light and short. ??

Sensory integration as the other mom said is great - brushing can really really help. 'YOur out of synch child' is really good.

All the best,
R.

I really like the other response. If you've tried everything, I'd say yes to seeing if the 3 year old actually has a sound issue that is making it hard for her to react positively to her younger sibling. She probably loves the baby and would really enjoy her if she could handle the sounds that come along with a baby. Of course, a little jealousy is common :)

Have you tried earplugs or sound reducing earmuffs? I am also highly sensitive as are my kids and my older one has trouble with the screeches of her brother. Before he slept through the night I would give her wax earplugs to sleep in which would keep the disturbance to a minimum. Also to block out loud noises and preserve their hearing I bought each kid a set of earmuffs that reduce noise. They are basically child sized versions of what people who use loud equipment use. It really helps block out painful sounds. Perhaps one of these solutions will help until she learns to control her response to loud noises or eventually learns to manage her sensitivity (that takes years though, in my experience.) If you are not comfortable giving her earplugs or feel that she may not wear the earmuffs, you could teach her to cover her ears. My daughter learned that skill very quickly. It helps block out the painful overstimulating sound and may also reduce the reaction that the younger one is able to get out of her sister, so screaming at her sister may become less fun. That is what happened during our screeching phase. As for when it will end, the screeching from the younger one will probably die down with the novelty of making noise, but it will take a long time for your older one to deal with sound. I still have a lot of trouble with sounds like sirens, buses, loud trucks, and loud music. I even have to take earplugs with me to movies. Sometimes I have to walk around with them on all day, or on a noisy bus or in a loud city, just to help reduce the overstimulation. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor about safe ways to reduce the noise entering your daughter's ears. Sometimes, with a safe earplug or headset, the pain from the overstimulation of sounds can be reduced enough that she could start to enjoy life with sound again. Also, it could help her learn to manage her sensitivity herself so that when she goes out into the world she will always know how to help herself feel better. I hope this helps. I remember my mother telling me how hard it was to live with me when I was little and sensitive and couldn't express it or fix it. Best of luck to you.

Have you thought that maybe she's been jealous of the baby and just can't express that. My oldest was 3 when younger brother was born. He would throw tantrums when I had to deal with the baby, especially during feeding time. Often the baby would wake up while I was playing with my son, and we'd never get to finish what we started. I tried to get him involved with the baby (he loved him--just didn't want to do it). After trying everything I was told by a therapist to try this: Buy an egg timer if you don't have one. Sit down with you daughter and tell her that since the baby was born you miss all the "special time" you had with her. That you understand that the baby needs mommy too and you know that some of the things the baby does bothers her. But that is what babies do and she did them too. Then say that when daddy is home so he can take care of the baby (not just when the baby is napping, you don't want to be interrupted) you and she will have some "special girl time" for 10-15 minutes (you pick) and put it on the egg timer. Let her pick what she wants to do with you (read a book, play with toys, dolls, tea party, paint her nails, art project, etc.) and that that time will be your special time. When the timer runs out, however, you need to finish that book, clean up the toys, etc. and tell her you look forward to your special time with her tomorrow. I did this with my son and the upset and tantrums stopped in a week! I kept up our special time (without the timer) when dad was home, though it wasn't everyday. I always read to him everyday, but when the baby napped, I'd note it was time for some special time and have him hop up and we'd read or I'd give him a foot rub, or just mommy snuggle time all his own. Later I brought baby into the snuggle time and he was more excepting of his little brother now crawling around and getting into his things. Good luck. I'd love to know if this works for you.

Hi N.,
I have a sensitive daughter too. She screams whenever she gets scared by something. Usually it’s a noise of some kind. My daughter will scream as she runs for a hiding place. I tried everything too. Recently I worked with a medical intuitive because no one could help me. She mentioned that my daughter was sensitive to chemicals in the house like polyester (pillow, blankets) and formaldehyde (carpet). Lily can usually handle noises when we are out, so the “scared” incidents are more extreme at home. The medical intuitive, Carol Rittburger suggested also to have Lily muscle tested for other allergies. The sensitivities through my daughter's body off and then she can’t handle normal noises. She is like a cat coming out of her skin. Good luck!

Have you tried rewarding rather than punishing? You want to catch her being good for two reasons: it reinforces what you want rather than causing her to get attention for bad behavior and secondly, it gives her attention and recognition for being the grown up big sister. A lot of children need extra attention when a new baby comes along, because they feel shoved out. An example, start a sticker chart that earns her a shopping day (an hour) at someplace with Mommy, like WalMart where she gets to buy something special (it will be junk (-:) Tell her if she doesn't scream or get mad when the baby cries, she'll earn a sticker. When she earns __ number of stickers, you two will go to Walmart alone to buy a present. In the beginning, you will want her to earn LOTS of stickers and you'll initially need to catch her being good for just a few seconds. If the baby starts to cry, immediately say "look at my big girl--she isn't crying -- let's put a sticker on your chart. Even though she didn't really control herself, you caught her before she was able to start crying to reward her. You want to give her lots rewards in the beginning. then decrease the frequency as she starts to control herself. Hope that helps!

Oh,dear, my son had (notice, past tense) this problem.The screaming really hurts her ears - it's physical pain. When my son was very young he would run out of places that were too loud. You need to go to another doctor who will deal with this issue and maybe get a referralto an audiologist. The way we helped our son was to validate the pain and hold his ears with both hands, to diminish the sound. We were lucky that we would go to outdoor rock concerts every week in the summer at the Boardwalk. Since he loved the Boardwalk and rides he would also go with us to the concerts - no place to leave him. We would help him hold his ears tightly - sometimes one against our body and the other one with a hand over it. Over time he would pull one hand off his ear for a few seconds and realize that the sound was not so bad, but then put the hand back. We would let him pull the hand away from his ear, we would never do it on our own. Over time this hypersensitive hearing got better. There are other methods, medical ones, that we were going to try but fortunately this worked. There was a machine with headphones that we heard about that would desensitize the hypersensitivity somehow, unfortunately we were not able to use it because he had tubes in his ears. Good luck N.. This is a major issue but there is help. Do go to another doctor, the one you went to does not seem to know the options.

I would love to have you take a look at a free Emotional Freedom Technique manual available at http://www.emofree.com

If you respond that it is ok with you for me to do this, I will do a small amount of free "surrogate EFT work" for this situation. I don't need to be there for it to work. But it would be helpful for you to relay if the behavior changes or doesn't change afterward. It may take a few days to set in as I fish around the possible issues. There are quite a few obvious possibilities that I would initially concentrate on.

Sending you love and bright blessings, L.

Have you had her ears checked? Sometimes they are telling the truth when we try to think its something else intheir little heads. We do foster care and once a little boy kept screaming that loud talking hurt his ears and we just thought it was a need for attention but because he was a foster child we are required to respond to any type of medical complaint and low and behold the little guy did have an acute hearing issue (severe inner ear infection). Who would have guessed? I sure didn't believe it.... now I listen and check things out with the doctors!
Another thing that might help out is to recognize whenever she copes well with sis's screaming... star charts are great visuals and to start her out you might set up the chart and have a supply of stars...the second the baby makes any noise you hand your older daughter a star and race her to the chart to put it up there...hug her, tell her your are so excited that she didnt scream back at sissy and congradulate her for that! Tell her you love her grown up behaviour and now you have to be a good mommy and go try to figure out what is making sissy cry and stop her little sister from being so uncomfortable & crying so loudly! It's a lot of work but has worked in the past for us with unwanted behaviour problems...not at first but be persistent and eventually they come around and their first reaction becomes to reach for the stars. Of course at that age make it 3 stars = a treat. (my favorite with the little ones was 5 minutes uninterupted of singing in the rocking chair- free and good for both of us!) As she gets better at it make it a bigger reward and harder to get. Good Luck
B. G

My son had the same problem with his baby sister. Usually she was in the carseat next to him crying and he would cover his ears and start screaming. So much fun to be in a car with that going on. Although they were 5 years apart, it got better as my son was able to understand that babies cry. That was our mantra, babies cry. could your daughter wear earplugs? Could you wear earplugs? It is my understanding that children with deaf parents their parents are calmer parents and the children grow up just fine. Take care of your children, if they are hungry, thirsty, tired, scared, do what you can for them, then if they are going to cry, remember children cry, babies cry, sometimes mommies cry...they will grow out of it...eventually, take care of yourself.

Hi N.,

Homeopathy has a proving track record to help ease the feelings of hurt feelings that often happens when a new sibling arises on the scene. Whether from a subsequent birth, adoption, or marriage, the adjustment can be huge for some children. A well-chosen homeopathic remedy selected by a professional homeopath can help with this adjustment and bring more acceptance and cooperation. There was a great article about just this topic in the Nov/Dec 2007 issue of "Homeopathy Today" magazine. If you want more information or help finding a professional homeopath in your area fell free to contact me through my website at http://www.myranissen.com/contact.html.
I wish you all the best.
M. N., CHom

Have you had your daughter tested for acute hearing. My son had/has that. His hearing is extremely high. When he was your daughter's age loud noises caused him actual pain. Crying children especially. He needed to be spoken to very quietly. He couldn't stand being read to in a normal tone of voice even.

Is your daughter highly sensitive in other ways, such as clothing labels? She really may be genuinely overwhelmed beyond what a typical child would be. By withdrawing she is taking care of herself.

I don't know your situation or you at all but I am going to throw this out there. Have you considered testing for ADHD and others? If you find out if anything is up early there are some wonderful professionals in our area.

A little about me:

I have a 10 year old son with high functioning aspergers. His IQ is at genius level and he is an absolutely fantastic kid. I work as a consultant from home.

My girls are about the same age as yours. We have had similar struggles but probably not quite as difficult as what you are going through. something we do consistantly is have pre-bedtime alone with our almost 3 year old. So no matter what she knows that before bedtime she will have the undevided attention of one of us. we also try to include her in the regular stuff we do around the house like doing laundry. we have a book about big sisters and how big sisters get special treats but baby sister isnt big enough yet. i dont know if any of this helps. It might just take you getting into a routine. everytime baby cries you tell big sister I will take care of baby then i will come talk to you. eventhough she might cry get the baby to calm down and then go over to her. maybe by trying to accomadate her so much you might be reenforcing the tantrums, because they are working for her. just some ideas, I hope it helps

This is a really tough situation for you and I know you must be so frustrated. I think part of the key may be found in one of your last sentences. Your 3 year old doesn't want a sister or a brother. It seems like you have probably tried asking her why she feels that way, etc. And you can acknowledge her feelings, but, she needs to understand that the new baby is not going away just because she doesn't want it. Take advantage of a time when she is not worked up to talk to her about when SHE was a baby. The things SHE did at 10 months old and how nicely people treated her. Ask her if she can imagine someone screaming and throwing fits and not wanting her around. Ask her if she can possibly imagine how that must make the new baby feel. Say, point blank........"What do you think Mommy would have done if there was a person who made you afraid to cry?" Hopefully her answer will be that you would have protected her, and she will get it.
If that doesn't work, and I know it's unconventional, but I have seen it work, when your 3 year old throws a fit, throw one right back. Be over-dramatic and animated. Stomp your feet or "cry" wahhhhh, wahhhhhh, wahhhhhhh. My guess is, it will stun her for a minute. She may even laugh at your behavior. It might at least open a dialog about how someone else behaving the same way she does makes her feel. Unfortunately, I think your 10 month old is used to raised voices and theatrics, so I don't think she'll find it that much out of the ordinary.......other than it's from mommy. She may even laugh too.
It's worth a try.

first of all, I'm a mother of a 15 1/2 year old son, and two daughters ages 14 and 10.
I'd put the 3 year old in her room, and gently shut the door each time she has a fit. For 3 minutes (my rule is one minute for each year of age for time outs). Screaming is unacceptable, when she comes out, if she starts again, back in her room. I guarantee she'll stop before 2 hours is up. A three year old knows what's going on. Stop feeling guilty and start being a parent. And I mean this in the kindest way possible...

Purchase some small noise blocking headphones. (You could also go to salvation army type stores and find headphones and cut the wire off but make sure they are a comfortable fit and do block out a considerable amount of noise) Let her decorate them with stickers and or ribbons or other safe decorations to personalize them.
Tell her when the baby makes a noise that she doesn't like or doesn't want to hear, she can put her headphones on and make the noises go away. This gives her control over the baby in a safe way.
If she's highly sensitive, you may need to introduce headphones in a non-threatening way with you modeling how they work using your own headphones. The introduction should come during a calm moment not during one of their screaming episodes.
Hope this helps.

Have you tried earphones? You could purchase some hunter's earphones, decorate them pretty and tell her they are her special noise reducers that she can put on when the baby cries. However, I would still try to keep her involved with helping shush and pat the baby or handing her a paciefier, blanket stuffed animal or whatever to help soothe her.
Another tactic could be a children's cassette or CD player with headphones and a "quiet spot"; her own little chair in the living room or a beanbag behind a recliner. When the noise is overwhelming she can go listen to soothing music or books on tape/CD. This worked very well with my nephew who is high functioning autistic...he would get overwhelmed by the stimulus from a long day at school/daycare and had problems coping with his little sister at home. Hope this helps!

Can I ask you a question? Has her schedule changed since the new baby arrived? Does she have any time that is dedicated to her? A co-worker mentioned that they implemented dedicated time for their children and tried to minimize the disruption of schedules for their older children to avoid the jealousy from occurring. For example, the oldest son...(who is about 5 years old) has reading time at a set-time and he knows it. Therefore, they kept to that committment when the baby arrived. Just a thought to perhaps commit dedicated time so that the child that is upset will realize that it is not about her all the time and that she does have her special time with her parents.

Hi, N. --

It sounds like a rough time, and I salute you for getting through it on two feet.

One thing that may help your older daughter is to designate some time just for her, where she gets to decide how things go. One of the hardest things in getting a younger sibling, of course, is that older one is no longer the sole center of attention. Another difficult thing is the feeling of loss of control.

If you can give her some time, even ten minutes a week that she can count on, where she gets to be in charge, and it's just you and her, this can go a long way toward building the connection between the two of you that will get you through these tough moments.

During this "child-led" time, see if you can play with her in a way that lets her feel powerful. For example, be her inept, bumbling pet, worker, or child, and let her be the master, boss or parent. She may get very bossy, which in this context is a good thing--it is giving her a chance to feel powerful, and work out her feelings of powerlessness. Getting physical is a great thing for kids in this regard--if you feel comfortable, let her really whale on you with a pillow, or tackle you. You decide, of course, on the physical boundaries you are comfortable with.

Don't worry--she knows it is a game, and as long as she knows she gets to play it on a regular basis, it should help, rather than exacerbate things with the three of you.

You can check out more of my writing at awakeparent.com.

Good luck!

Warmly,

J.