Screaming 2 Yo and Dropping Dishes

Tantrums are only good (from the toddler's standpoint) if there's a willing audience. When the tantrum starts, tell her very calmly, "Come find me when you're finished and we'll talk" and LEAVE THE ROOM. If she's like my daughter, she'll come find you and start all over again. Repeat this till she gives up. At first, it will take several tries. When she eventually realizes the tantrums get no attention, she will eventually give up.

Trying to reason with a screaming 2 year old is a lost battle. They don't want to know why, they only want what they want and they want it now. (The "why" has come in handy when they are calm and especially at age 3, however.)

Welcome to the "terrible two's"!! It's mostly terrible two's - in that there are some things she's no longer able to do that she's used to doing (like having a cracker before dinner). BUT you also have "corroborating factors" with changing beds, and the addition of the brother.

Relax about the crackers before dinner. I know it'll "ruin dinner" but is that really a battle you want to fight? So what if she has a cracker before dinner! Let her have some bananas or yogurt, or try to get her plate ready a little early if possible so she can go ahead and start eating or give her a handful of cheerios. It really isn't that big of a deal.

But it is a big deal that she's throwing tantrums, and that'll be something to get a handle on. We've worked with our oldest since she was 25 months doing just what you did. Try to get down on her level, let her know you understand what she wants and that sometimes the answer is no. Try to keep calm about it. We've let our daughter know that she's more likely to get what she wants if she's able to control herself and not have a tantrum and try to explain to us what's going on - what she wants, or whatever.

Our nearly 3 year old is just now gearing up for the "terrible 3's" (she never went through terrible 2's - it's going to be "terrible 3's"). So we're right there with you having to go through this again.

Try to be patient and keep reinforcing to her that you really do understand what she wants, and you're "working on it" (getting dinner ready or whatever). Let her know that "We do not throw dishes" or "no throwing dishes". (Make sure you don't just say, "No don't do that" - attach meaning to what you're telling her "no" to.)

The best "advice" is to be prepared to be flexible and "pick your battles wisely". In the grand scheme of things, a cracker or two before dinner probably isn't worth the battle.

You don't mention it in the description of your issue, but I noticed in the 'A little about me' section, you have a 3 month old son as well.

Yes, part of this is 2 year old behavior. They push boundaries, they will drive you nuts and you DO have to stand firm. However, my instinct says this is exacerbated by the new little one. Your daughter was the center of attention for almost 2 years. She got ALL of mommy's attention and ALL of daddy's attention. Now, she has to share. 2 year olds are NOT good at sharing.

It seems like your daughter is trying to get your attention.... and that she has determined the only way to get your undivided attention is to make these bad choices.

Also, toddlers have some big emotions. They can do more things, but not everything they want to do. They are introduced to other kids and the whole sharing thing and not wanting to give up their toys etc.... Many times toddlers have these big emotions, but they don't know what they are... and they don't know how to deal with them. That's where Mama and Daddy step in. We need to vocalize for them what they are feeling, which I think you're doing. And then we need to demonstrate how to handle these things.

One thing you need to be careful of is not over explain a situation. I think the 'you can't have a cracker right now because it's almost dinner time and we don't want to spoil your appetite' explanation is a little long. Remember... toddlers = short attention span theater! You may want to cut it down to something like "I know you're hungry, I'm making dinner right now."

My husband often tries the long explanation thing with our 2 year old... about 1/3 of the way through I see her eyes glaze over and she isn't paying attention to a thing he is saying. Sometimes he catches it and will ask 'are you paying attention' ... she'll be honest and say 'NO!' ha ha ha

I would say yes, the temper tantrum would warrant a time out. I would approach it with 'Temper Tantrums are a bad choice. Now you will get a time out because you made a bad choice.' Remind her that good choices are to be gentle, not to scream, not to stomp your feet.

It is also important during this time to ensure that when you are with her, that YOU are demonstrating good choices. If something doesn't go how you hoped it would...how do you react? Toddlers model everything we do. I'm not saying you act out, I'm just saying sometimes we forget that our toddlers have transitioned into this 'copying mode' ... virtually overnight. :-)

I would also try to ensure that your daughter is getting good one and one time with your and your husband. She may be feeling left out... or forgotten. Not in REALITY... but in HER mind. So, one on one time will help with that. In addition, toddlers love to help. Find ways she can help with the new baby ... this will help her to see that you are one family... helping each other and everyone has a place in the family.

Hope this helps! I'm not a psychologist or anything, but my sister is a Social Worker whose specialty is childhood development. We've had MANY of these conversations... these are just some of the things I have gotten from her.

Hi, I'm in the middle of the terrible 2's and have been the mom carrying the screaming-like-a-banshee kid out of the library =-) I feel every bit of your frustration, aren't those 1st born daughters stubborn?! A wise older mother reminded me not to smother her spirit--a hard thing to remember in the middle of screaming.
I'm not ashamed to say that we have to found the thing she loves (in our world, it's recorded Dora episodes), and I give her the choice between what she's doing now (the behavior I don't want) and watching Dora for a few minutes--normally it quickly diffuses the situation. Most experts that don't live at my house would probably say I'm rewarding the negative behavior, but I also have a baby at home, so I need an easy go-to. When that doesn't work and the tantrum has escalated beyond reasoning, I've recently assigned the bathroom as the "special" place to finish tantrums (not the same as the time-out chair for us--that wasn't working, I reserve the time out chair for doing things to her brother she's not supposed to). I let her know that she has to stay in the bathroom until she's done with her tantrum, let me know when she's done and I'll come get her. I also review our time-out or tantrum room rules when everyone's calm--she loves to talk about it when nobody's in trouble. Enjoy these days--it's such a great age, and it goes by so fast!!

Try the book the "Happiest Toddler on the block." It worked for us. It's okay to get down to her level but you shouldn't stare her down or try to force her to look at you. Its kind of threatening for them. Also if your daughter is consistantly asking for a snack then you need to rethink her dinner schedule. I keep several things on hand to feed the kids quickley. Its nice to sit down for a meal as a family, however toddler's feeding schedules are not allways in line with adults. And toddlers can be difficult regarding what they eat. I am not saying that you should cater meal specifically for them but you may need to eat dinner 15 to 20 minutes earlier. And you should always aknowledge her requests by repeating them back. Also as far as throughing things remove her. Our son recnetly made friends with a boy that is an accademy award winning tamtrum througher and has started to mimic the behavior. We try to ignor him but some times he gets out of hand. We pick him up and sit him on his bed in his room and tell him he can come back out when he can controll himself. Most of the time it works although once or twice we had to take him back to his room. We always aknowledge that he is angry or upset. But untill he can calm himself done we cannot work out his problems.

There is a book that you might be interested in buying and reading to help with the screaming/crying. It's been a while since I actually read it, but it might give you ideas on your other questions as well. It gives tips for different age groups from 1 to 4. It is called The Happiest Toddler on the Block and is written by Dr. Harvey Karp. I've used this approach with children in daycare and with families who are having "behavior problems" with their small kids, and have seen great results. If you don't want to pay full price to buy it (it costs I think $14.00), check out your library, or see if you can buy it used on Amazon.

2 words - Time Out! The Supper Nanny designates a "naughty step" or "naughty chair". We used to just carry the kicking and screaming child into the bedroom walk out and close the door... often holding the door shut until the tantrum subsided. After they have calmed down - THEN you can try talking to them.

While I appreciate your effort to "reason" with the child - she's 2. They don't reason... and she's obviously wiinning these battles. You are the grown-up. You need to be the boss. Sometimes being a parent simply means saying "No".

HOWEVER, that being said... small children usually respond very well to positive reinforcement. Take a piece of poster paper and draw a grid with a bunch of little squares on it thenstick in a public place - like the fridge. Get a pack of multi-colored sticky foil stars. Assign the child a few "jobs" (ie - picking up the toys before bed, brushing teeth at bedtime, taking a nap or going to bed without a fight, a whole day with no time-outs...) Each day award a star for each "job" completed successfully and put it on the chart. [** DO NOT ever remove stars as a punishment or use them as a bribe. Stars are only earned.] Figure out how many stars could be earned in a few days (longer for an older child... maybe a week - but no longer) and when that number of stars is reached spend some special quality time with just you and her. [We would make a PBJ and go to the park to swing.] Small children don't understand big goals (1,000 stars) and buying a present is not what they really want. [My brother totally missed that mark when he wanted to buy his 4 year old daughter an expensive Barbie when she got 1,000 stars. He was shocked when she got so excited the next week about earning a special "date" at the park with daddy.]

That's a 2 yr old for you. Definitely dont put up with it, but dont get mad or make a big deal either. Let her know beforehand that if she screams she will be put in her bed. THen do it. No words, just pick her up, put her in her bed and dont take her out until she has been quiet for a couple min.
When you get the screaming under control, you can work on the dish throwing. Let her know ahead of time that you will take the dishes away if she throws them. If she throws a dish and is not screaming, simply take the dish away. put her food on the tray or feed from a bowl you are holding. Again, dont make a big deal, just do it.
I've raised 3 kids and have 2 grandsons:)

Sounds like you are being consistent which is good. I am sure she wants to be a baby again due to jealousy of the new baby. Try praising her when she is good and when she throws the temper tantrum it sounds like she is getting a lot of (be it negative) attention. I would try to remain calm and softly (almost whisper) to her. She wants you to get in a yelling match with her, but when you talk softly she will be surprised. Try to remian calm and soft and / or ignore it.
Crying at night is a toughy what if she is having night terrors? my guess is she wants you to wait on her like you do her brother, but it may be more.
how about when you go to comfort her you say calmly how is my big girl? Mommy doesnt like it when you cry like a baby. Mommy loves it when you use big girl words......

This is normal behaviour for a 2 yr old. Heard of the "terrible 2s"? :) Well, you're living it. But don't worry, this too shall pass.

Just put yourself in your child's place. No matter how nicely you are told "no", no one likes to be told no. And she is just beginning to be able to do some things for herself and is frustated when she is not allowed to do those things and/or cannot do others. So it is a frustrating time for child and parent. You just need lots of patience!! I like to try and distract my kids from whatever it is they are going ballistic over. Of course, if they are having a total meltdown, the best bet is totally removing them from the situation til they calm down.

Good luck,

L. :)

Try the book/video 1-2-3 Magic. Worked wonder for us.