School Hating Son

Is he getting bullied at school? I've found that I really had to work to get some teachers to be really candid with me about how my daughters got along with their classmates. The kids never seem to like to talk about what might be wrong at school (and I'm sure this will just get worse as they all turn in to teenagers), so it takes some prying from all available resources.

Can you happen to pop by the school to drop something off without total humiliation? I found that I learned alot about the social environment when I stopped by over lunch to drop off a forgotten sweatshirt or library book. (Of course, the different schools we've attended have all had different degrees of access when you're on campus. Some let you go straight to the lunch or classroom; some won't let you past the office.)

Hi S.,
I did pretty well in school and enjoyed going, so I didn't feel I could advise you very well. However, my husband struggled with school and ended up dropping out at about the same age your son is appoaching. I asked him for his opinion on the matter, because he went the wrong route in life for a while, but ended up put himself through college and is a very skilled computer programmer and knows way too much about everything. I hope his insite helps...here it is.

It's likely the school is not engaging the childs intellect at the appropriate level. Mom should get find out the childs true aptitude and interests and ask the teacher to try and engage the child at that level and using those interests. If the teacher appears to not be interested for instance they are in a public school setting, the mother should consider Sylvan Learning center for a month, to get the child engaged and "in a learning mood". After there is a valid intellectual interest targeted mom should then reward only good behavior (i.e. do not take things away for bad behavior), and get the child rewards which focus on the childs primary interests.
For instance a musically inclined child would properly be rewarded with Sheet Music and an instrument to play. Whereas a child who was mechanically or technically inclined would be better rewarded with one of those "build you own " kits from radio shack. One thing that really got me going as well was a subscription to a magazine such as popular electronics, plus a chance to spend my allowance at someplace like radio shack where I could pick up transistors, resistors capacitors etc, and play with electronics.
The point is that the current public school system teaches the mediocre to the mediocre. When I was in elementary school I always felt like I was being groomed to work in a factory or something and my mind did not handle the monotany very well. If your childs intellect is not being engaged at their own level in methods that excite the child, then the school really is nothing more than a babysitter to the child and they are not taking anything away from the experience.
As an aside, I do highly recommend Sylvan Learning Centers since they do put to practice exactly what I'm saying and they do recognize intellectually superior children as a special teaching case that requires challenging and engaging activities to keep the childs mind stimulated. Furthermore they are nationwide. Even though I myself never went to one, everyone I knew who went to one, had nothing but positive things to say about that place.

I would schedule a meeting with the teacher (without your 12 yr. old), and tell him/her the problem and situation. Sometimes there is something going on at school that you don't know about because 1) your child won't tell you or 2)the teacher or school doesn't report it to the parents until they believe it is severe or important enough to tell the parents about. Of course, this is only one suggestion, but it's a good start. I had to do this with my 9 yr. old daughter who normally loves school. I did find out something was going on with a fellow classmate. Good luck!

I don't have any school age children, so I probably won't be of much help. But the first thing I wondered when reading your post was whether or not you have tried to enlist the help of his teacher? If the teacher isn't particularly helpful, I would consider getting a new teacher.

Wow, you're getting some really great advice from other mom's and their husbands. Way to go mommies!!

I've seen kids hate school for a number of reasons, including the ones given- being bullied or not feeling intellectually stimulated. As a teacher, I personally worked really hard to engage those kids who were ahead of the given curriculum, but let me tell you, that's tough when you have a class of 28 and 1/4 are behind, 1/4 need behavior intervention every 10 minutes, etc. etc.

I've also seen kids dislike school because they feel they don't belong. You would be amazed (or not) by how many kids feel like they don't have any friends-and nobody knew until I did an anonymous survey (if interested I can tell about that). I was able to to vastly change the way kids felt about school and themselves by arranging for volunteer opportunities. After speaking with Kindergarten or 1st grade teachers, I would carefully pair the child with another kid who I felt s/he would get along with and ask them if they would like to help out a kindergarten teacher who really needed some extra help. They would help out during their recess (which is usually torture for a kid who feels they don't belong)anywhere from once per week to everyday. This gave them a feeling that they were needed at school, that someone was counting on them, and gave a foundation for a new friendship. That, along with lots of positive interaction in the classroom made a huge difference, and these kids were hard-core anti-school: they were not doing a lick of work in the classroom. I also made sure they were seated next to someone I thought might grow into a friend for them, which was worth the ensuing talking issues!

Sorry so long. I have such a hard time summarizing!

Hope it helps.

J.

My son isn't school aged yet but maybe this might help. Instead of asking him if there are any problems at school, ask him to describe his opinion of school. This might give you some insight to the problem. If he's like, "It's boring," it may be that he's understimulated. If he syas "I feel dumb compared to everyone else" maybe he's struggling and cuould use a tutor. Or it could just be that he's like my husband and just didn't like school. My husband just didn't enjoy school. He didn't like sitting at a desk, listening to the teachers. He hated homework. He would rather be playing with toys or video games or (as he got older) working on cars or going to his after school job & making money. I always loved school, I never really realized that there were kids who just didn't like school until I met my husband. If it is the case that he just doesn't like school period, you will probably just need to sit him down & say, "I understand that you don't like school. Unfortunately, you have to go." Go into how important education is to helping him achieve his goals later in life (getting a good job and making good money, etc.) and tell him that although it seems like it's a long way away, he is already at the half way mark for graduating high school. I don't know if the helps, but I hope so! Hang in there!

M.

I don't have any school age children, so my advice is based on my experiences in school as a child.

I hated school. It was not challenging enough and I was easily bored with it. Perhaps your son isn't getting stimulated enough. Have you spoken with his teachers/counselors about this? Perhaps he can be enrolled in some programs which may prove to be more interesting for him.

hmmm he has always hated school? It could be that he is bored have you had him tested? you may be able to enroll him in an ALPS program. Also when was the last time you had his eyes checked? Honestly my husband hated elementary school he always had a headache because he couldnt see the board.

The Love and Logic parenting course works wonders for this type!

Hello-
I have been facing the same thing since kindergarten, my daughter is now in 3rd grade and she tells me she has a stomach ache or a sore throat everyday. I have sent her to school ill on a couple occasions because I didn't believe she was truly ill. I found talking to my daughter did not help me much either. I did finally figure out that she is dylexic and has a hard time with the subject in lower grades but can accomplish most pre alegbra problems were her hatred from school comes from is the fact that she knows she is in a lower reading group and has a hard time with spelling and basic math. knowing she is behind the other kids and needs help has really lowered her self esteem. RHea is so comfortable with me and home life that feeling in adequate at school actually makes her stomach hurt. I don't know if this helps any but try to be aware of your sons performance he may be comparing himself to other kids his age and it is giving him and upset stomach.
S.