Schedule Conflict Seems like a Good Enough Reason to Me

You can tell her the truth and she will stop asking.

I realize that feels super awkward, but this is an adult moment that I think you need to step up and handle.

Stop answering her calls if she won't leave you alone. You don't owe her an explanation. You've already given her a good enough excuse.

I have never understood why people are so troubled by telling the truth.
If you HATE IT then why do you keep going? I don't have enough time in my life to keep going to something I hate.
Next time she asks just tell her the truth....gently of course...and enjoy some free time that is not at some church group you hate.

First of all, you do not owe anyone any explanation of what you choose to do with your family and why.

Secondly, I personally would just be honest and say it wasn't the right fit for my family and move own. No reason to critique the program, bottom line is that you didn't like it, you gave it an effort and decided to move on to find a better fit for your family.

My husband and I were in a small group that we ended up hating. We just didn't go back. They didn't even say anything to us (which says a lot right there on why we left lol).

If they ask, you tell the "truth"...which is, "we decided we wanted to work with the kids and they meet at the same time so now we are making that our priority." If they do keep insisting for "dirt" on why you left (because maybe other people are leaving as well) you can say, "it did become harder when we went from meeting one time per week to two times. Maybe you can consider going back to once a week since those of us who work and have kids have limited time to commit to that much time during the week".

Also, my "real" name is Faith, so I was born and raised in a Christian family. I have gone to churches my entire life. Just because it's a "church" doesn't mean you will like nor get along with everyone. We found this out the hard way. Now we each have 2 good friends at church and several others we like. The rest we don't "click" with and it's no big deal. So don't feel like you all have to be best friends. When you are around them, be nice but don't feel obligated to make vacation plans. LOL Good luck.

"It just doesn't work with our schedule."
It's true. It's not the whole truth, but it is true.

That said, it is also ok to be honest...
"This just wasn't how we connect with God. I'm sure it meets some people's needs, but not ours. We feel closest to God through XXX." XXX could be anything - maybe you feel most spiritual through serving others, maybe it's through the music of the church, maybe it's through teaching the children, maybe it's through personal (not group) prayer, maybe it's by walking in the woods and seeing and feeling God's glory all around you, whatever it is for you.

Church leaders should be able to understand this. My church recently decided to have much more emphasis on being Christian through our actions to others in our local community - getting out there and feeding the homeless, helping the poor, etc. This didn't "click" with some people, and they went elsewhere for fulfillment. That was completely ok. A church can't be all things to all people, and so when a church decides on a certain approach, if that approach doesn't fit your needs, there should be no hard feelings if you look for a place that is a better fit for you.

I'd say "It doesn't work for us" once or twice. After that, I'd say, "I don't know how else to say it, but it's not for us." If you make it totally about scheduling, she'll change the schedule (is that why it meets twice a week now?) and you'll have the same problem.

I'd stop answering the phone if you have caller ID. But if you run into this neighbor all the time, you can say, "I don't understand why you keep asking. We have chosen the kids' program because it meets our needs better."

Are they are so judgmental that you feel that the way they ask for feedback on what you like or didn't like is going to backfire on you because they can't handle the frankness? Then that's a pretty sad indictment of the church overall, and this group in particular. If she keeps on, you can say, "This kind of pressure makes me uncomfortable. You've asked, I've answered. There is nothing more to say. Bye bye." Then really, walk away with a friendly wave. Don't stand there and take more of it.

Is there a pastor you can meet with if this is becoming a problem? The reason for this would be that she can be so off-putting to new members/families that it's going to have a greater impact with the church not appearing welcoming or flexible or understanding at all. I went to an open house activity at a synagogue, and one person was so overwhelming because she's in charge of the membership roster. She so desperately wants something to do (and this is all they'll let her do because she's relentless in person), she grills people about when and whether they are joining, discusses how much she and her husband give annual, etc. I spoke to the spiritual leader and it stopped. I wasn't offended so much as concerned for the real newcomers who are coming for the very first time.

You are not lying when you say, "It just doesn't work for our family." That's the truth, and you are not required to elaborate if you do not feel comfortable doing so.

Always use a calm, but firm, emotionally neutral tone.

If you do decide you want to give a little more, you can say, "Our private family time is precious to us, and we only obligate a small portion of that time to outside activities. We've made changes to our schedules to reflect what works best for our family at this point in time." The danger in adding this part is that she may ask you why you chose the children's group over hers. Then you are in the position of having to respond again.

If she persists, continue with "It just doesn't work for us." Then change the subject, move in another direction from her, or if on the phone, tell her you have to go, sincerely wish her a good day, and hang up.

Your best bet to shut down unwanted questioning is to be clear in your conviction that you are doing the right thing for your family and relay that to this woman that in very simple unequivocal terms.

"It just wasn't a good fit and we decided it was time to move on.".

Why not a simple: We have limited time now because of the kids, and we can only devote time at this point in our lives to one activity.

I would never burn a bridge. When you have a younger family, family takes priority. But, I've found as our son has grown that I regret that we didn't value building community more so.

I would tell them that the spirit is leading you into this youth group ministry. That you're excited about a new path but you miss them a lot.

It truly sounds like one of those leaders that ends up with a cult. I'd sure just cut ties but in the nicest way possible.

depends, really.
i value honesty highly. and groups need to know what works and what doesn't. so if it's a group i care about and want to succeed, i'd go to the trouble (considerable trouble, it's not an easy thing to do) to craft a thoughtful, sensitive, honest answer. situations rarely improve without effort AND good useful feedback.
but you're right that it can backfire, and maybe it's not worth the effort to you. but if that's the case, don't expect too much from your church. if you're not invested in helping the peripheral groups get better, they're not likely to do so. that's okay. but i don't blame them for wanting your help and feedback.
instead of being annoyed at her for bugging you for answers, at least give her common courtesy of being as honest as you're comfortable with, and firm. 'we like the idea of the church group, but find it uncomfortable to meet in someone's home and would prefer to meet in the church.' or 'the subject matter is not of interest to us.' or yes, 'there's a schedule conflict and we've had to prioritize. why do keep asking?'
for me personally people who say 'i hate to lie but someone else is making me do it because i'm uncomfortable' don't really hate to lie, they use it to make things easier for themselves.
khairete
S.

What do you hate about it? If you don't be honest, then how can they improve the program? It's nice that you are still involved in the church and are not completely giving up on the church.

How many times has she called?

Is she just asking for constructive feedback?

If she's just asked the once and that's all she was after - and you are not comfortable (usually you say the things you did find worked well and then make a suggestion or two on where they could improve) - then just say you've found a better fit for your family and schedule.

You can be honest without making it into a huge deal. Just say the scheduling was too much and you've decided that volunteering in the kids' program was more in line with what you like to do. Period, end of story.

"It just wasn't working for us." Repeat as many times as she asks.

Be honest, just not blunt. The increase frequency of meeting is an issue for us. Coupled with the scheduling conflict, we would prefer to spend our free time pursuing our other interests.

Maybe it would help us answer your question if you tell US the truth, and we can help you word it gently?

Otherwise, lie and tell her that you loved her group but don't have time for it now.

ETA: I read your SWH - I think it is totally fair to tell her that you have decided to focus your energy (and your limited time) on the larger church that your kids are involved in now (I'm assuming it's a larger church). I honestly bet there will be no real hard feelings on her end, unless there was money involved (if she was hoping on "donations" from you somehow). Send her a Christmas card at the holidays and that should be fine!!

(Also, in terms of telling her "what you did and didn't like" - just leave it at "we enjoyed meeting everyone". Because it sounds like there is nothing she can do that would make you stay, correct? Meeting once a week instead of twice...doesn't really solve the "weirdness" factor, right? So, no need to get into "twice a week is too much", "I only like six of the people you invited", etc.)

It sounds like they are desperately trying to hold on to all their participants. Maybe others have come and gone just like you and they don't want to lose anyone else. I don't understand why they continue to ask when you clearly have a conflict with the kids program at the same church. Say "we just can't do both the kids program and your group, we need to streamline our commitments and we think it's more important for the kids to get a religious education".
You could even suggest that they move their group to the church. This would probably help them get better participation. I would feel odd going to someone's house too.