Sahms: Ever Been Accused of Doing Nothing All Day?

I had my husband say that once. So I did nothing as far as house hold cleaning. I didn't cook for him, I didn't do laundry, I only did my dishes. It took a week, then he apoligized. I know it's passive aggressive, but that's the way he learned. Hasn't said it since and actually thanks me for all the stuff I do around the house. I swear sometimes he thinks the house is magic and it cleans itself, I wish. My sister's husband sometimes would say the same thing. So she always had a basket of laundry and when she heard him pull up she would start folding laundry as he walked in. He stopped asking because she was still working. For me, I was always doing the dishes when my husband came home.

My husband used to say this until he was laid off and saw what I did all day. When he wasnt convinced, I left him at home all day with the kids, he was singing a different tune after that, and he STILL didnt do as much I as do when Im with the kids. Be basically kept them alive and that was rough on him. Pansy. ;)

Why does he think this? What does he have to back it up? Do you do stuff all day? If yes, does he know what?

I have a lot of thoughts on this topic - some of which you may love, others you may hate. But they all come from experience (I have been a SAHM and a work out of the house mom) and, of course, my opinion.

My husband is similar to yours. What I gather from both of them is this: they have stressful jobs. They are gone all day and work hard. The stress at their job is NOTHING like the stress of a SAHM. Before you get all upset - hear me out. You may have deadlines - but they are set by you. No one yells at you or fires you, nor do you risk literally losing everything you have (house, car, etc) if you don't perform your job correctly. Please stop and take a moment and reflect on that stress your husband carries daily. Now, if your hubby has a CAKE job, little stress, no boss and sits and watches TV at work all day and doesn't have to be responsible for 100% of your bills - different story. I doubt this is the case, but please feel free to correct me.

Now - simply because his "type of stress" is different or higher DOES NOT mean he should be able to make you feel the way he does. I assume there is some resentment from both parties going on. How do you deal with this? Two ways. 1) leave him with the kids all day Saturday and see how he does, or 2) Get a job, even part time, working outside of the home and leave the kids with him or a sitter.

The only thing that worked for me was to be employed full time outside of the home. When I was a SAHM, my husband thought that his job is harder and that he should have dinner on the table every night and shouldn't have to lift a finger at home. I can say, as a working full time mom, I would expect my husband to do most of the housework if I were out of the home full time as I am now and he stayed home. Again, please understand, I am NOT saying he should be able to disrepsect you. But I think he probably views this as your "job" and in a sense, it is. But, he has helpers at his job....you need his help at home as well.

I see others suggest making a list, etc. I hope that works for you, that didn't work for me. I guess it is worth a try.

You two really need to communicate and implement some mutual respect. Again, I have a feeling he has some resentment at the fact that you are at home, he pays all the bills, doesn't get to see the kids all day, has to deal with people and deadlines....etc. And you probably have some resentment as well. This all needs to be dealt with in a healthy manner.

Does your husband really think you do nothing all day, or was that an exaggeration? If he really thinks you do "nothing", I say leave for longer than a Saturday as I suggested.

And as another poster suggested - your husband gets to come home and "stop" working. How is that so? Does he literally go to the couch, turn everyone off and not lift a finger ALL night? I work out of the home all day and I can assure you, neither my husband or myself get to "stop" working once we arrive home.

Work with each other on a compromise - if you two really love each other, you will get there. Try to put yourselves in each others' shoes. Think of how tired he is when he gets home, and he needs to think of how you need 30 minutes of no kids when he arrives home. Work out a plan. Send the kids someplace (neighbor, family) for a night one night per week. Have a date night with your husband in the near future to reconnect. All of this will help the main issue.

I wish you the best.

I've accused my sahd of it! I walk in at 5:30. The dishwasher was just started, and a quick straighten up done on the house within the last 15 minutes. Other than that, all I can see is the kids have been fed and my husband has watched a whole lot of tv. It's not hard to tell when someone has worked on the house all day or just done a quick swipe at straightening up. I don't care that he doesn't deep clean. I do that on the weekend. He does his share. I don't expect him to clean everyday. Especially if he takes the kids somewhere. If they've been at the Y, gone to the park, done something fun, of course I don't care about the house. But those days when I come in and the kids are starved for attention and all he has accomplished is checking his facebook and cleaning out the dvr, that runs me kinda hot. I know he's going to continue on his butt while I give the kids attention, and make dinner. I think if you want him to appreciate what you do, yes, he may have to walk a day in your shoes. But you may also need to take a look at what he sees through his eyes the minute he walks through the door.

That's easy! Stop doing what you do for a week....or two.

AND there's nothing wrong with bolting out the door occasionally! The learning curve gets pretty sharp when you do!

Good luck!

The ladies in my church used to tell the me on a regular basis about how much they did around the house and that men couldn't even handle it. It used to grate on me.

I dearly love my wife and would do just about anything for her. I saved my lunch money for almost a year. I bought her an airline ticket so she could fly home and see her parents for her birthday. (Nov 7th) I bought the ticket (a real surprise) and took her to the airport the Friday before Thanksgiving. She only took one of our 8 kids with her (She was nursing and I'm not able to do that. ;~)) ) I had the other 7 for 10 days. I took vacation so I could stay home with the kids. Numerous ladies offered to take one or more of my kids and to bring food over so I wouldn't "starve".

During that 10 days I vacuumed, dusted, provided homework help, story time, and all the meals. I took all 7 of my kids with me when I went shopping for last minute food items. (I have always felt I had a duty to my kids to teach them how to shop.) For Thanksgiving, I smoked a turkey on my grill, made butterhorns from scratch, mashed potatoes, smokey giblet gravy with fresh mushrooms, home made pecan pie, pumpkin pie and cranberry sauce. (The cranberry sauce came from a can and the whipped cream was kool whip.) I served it on the good plates and silverware.

Being a SAHD was the easiest job I'd ever had up to that time. I had time to solve problems from work via the phone as well as be a SAHD. I had time to watch holiday movies with the kids. I made the popcorn too!

Can everyone do what I did? No. Not men or women. Not based on what I've read in the posts I've read since being here. But, that's ok. I can't do what some of you do either. We all have different things we are good at.

Good luck to you and yours.

Ouch. I'm having a bad day, and this would put me over the top. I am suddenly a SAHM, and I am totally, completely astonished at how difficult it is to accomplish ANYTHING. And I'm still trying to figure out what is "fair" for me to do and him to do and how we can divide our time. I don't know the answer. Sometimes I feel my husband is biting his tongue to keep from saying the same thing. Good luck, I'm in your boat.

I'm very lucky because my husband works from home so he sees that I am working ALL day regardless of what has or had not been done. Just a thought, but maybe you could try not turning it down on a weekend or two so he truly sees what you accomplish each day. So much of what stay at home parents do isn't really visible, so maybe he just doesn't realize how much you work.

I had to laugh at 8kidsdad's pulling out yet another story about being the perfect mate/parent. Sorry, but ten whole days of being a SAHD doesn't even begin to compare to truly being a stay at home parent.

I am so glad to find moms out there that feel the same. I am still trying to get into terms with being a SATM and am constantly wondering whether I should go back to work full time.

My husband doesn't dare accuse me of doing nothing all day because he knows I would snap. However, we've had 'discussions' where he claims that he would much rather be a SATD than out working. My response? 'Whatever...' My work schedule recently picked up and he stayed at home with the kid for ONE DAY. I had to take the baby in with me the very next day because he couldn't get any work done!

I definitely need alone time throughout the week. My gym offers babysitting and that has worked out well for me. I drop off the kid, work out, shower and pick him up. He has fun playing and I get some of my sanity back. In addition, once a month, I hire a housekeeper to clean. I take the kid out to the playground and come home to a clean apartment. It really makes a difference. It's costly but the leisure is so much more valuable. Have you also considered mother's helpers? You can hire helpers to watch the kids and help you with housework. It's less cost and you can still get things done without going nuts.

Above it all, I do hope your husband cuts you a ton of slack. If he can't see how much you're doing, you really have to make it clear to him. It's to the family's benefit that you stay happy!

.

You could try Denise's approach, and that would definitely help, but the truth is most men wouldn't do near as much as we do even if they were suddenly faced with doing it themselves, so they still wouldn't get it.

The house wouldn't be as clean, the kids wouldn't be particularly attended to, etc. The kids wouldn't die, probably.

A SAHM is an unsung hero.

I'm with you. My husband doesn't exactly accuse me of doing nothing all day, but he tells me all the time that he would have no problem trading places with me. He doesn't seem to understand that this is my JOB. Regardless of the fact that I chose this, that does not mean I will never have a bad day "on the job." He can't seem to appreciate that I don't waltz around the house humming with joy all day every day. If I try to vent to him about my day (just like he does with me when he has a rough day), he gets all offended and says I'm not appreciative of what he does to make it possible for me to be home. That is where the "I'll gladly trade places with you" line comes in. I've just gotten to the point that I don't tell him anything about my day that he doesn't ask about. If he asks how the kids were and I've had a hard time with them that day, I'll ask him if he wants the honest version or the June Cleaver version. That has pretty much become the signal that I don't have anything positive to say, so if he can't handle hearing what I do have to say, the conversation should stop there.

I read your question and I read your responses and I have GOT to say that 8kidsdad 10 day run at being a SAHD is nothing compared to being a long term SAHM or SAHD.

Tell your husband that you refuse to listen to his diatribes on how he could have run circles around you and then walk away when he talks to you like that. You can't control his behavior, but you CAN refuse to let him talk to you like that.

My husband did this after our second son was born....he came home one day and the house was a mess...he said "must be nice to sit around all day watchin' TV and eating bon-bons all day." I could've killed him that day - and I think I woud've gotten away with it to!! :) LOL!!

Any way - then he got laid off work and watched all I did during the day....now he bows...

I've left him alone with our kids for 4 days and he knows that it's not all peaches and cream!!!

if someone accuses you of this again - tell them REALLY?!?!?!?! Who does the grocery shopping, house cleaning, nurse, taxi service, scheduling, planning, psychiatrist, chef, short order cook, ironing, errands? yeah - me...don't like it? trade you my job for yours for a week and see if you can handle it better..

I havent read any of the post but i will offer a few things. I think that your husband just doesnt fully understand what you do all day and there may be some underlying issues with his job or something that eats at him and he just lashes out with out thinking. most men seem to not think before they speak. so here is a suggestion I am a sahm and my husband works. TAKE A DAY OFF. come saturday stay in bed and make him deal with the stresses of the household have him teach the kids make them behave cook, clean and do everything you do. explain to him that he needs to see it from your point of view. Now if he is typical like most men he will get fed up quick or refuse. At that point you tell him Hey i do this day in and day out. I will not argue about it but I would appreciate some respect from you. If you cant do everything i do and realize that it is a full time job with mandatory overtime then dont mention or discuss the matter at all. and ignore him if he trys to argue it. With that being said I now get to sleep in on saturday and my husband helps out more than he did before. NOW i understand no two men are exact alike BUt it is worth a shot. Good luck!

First thing a working spouse (male or female) needs to learn is to NEVER ever say anything about what "was not" done at home during the day! My husband works weekends, and even if I do notice the house is a mess with toys or the laundry isn't done, I notice the dishes are done and the floor is vacuumed and the bed is made. I try to thank him for those things (and in return when he comes home on the weekends I often get thanks for doing the same type of stuff while he's at work). I don't think my husband truly knew what it was like for me to be home with the kids in the EVENINGS (not all day) while he worked nights for three years. But sometimes now he'll say things like "Well you never had them all day" like I don't know what it's like take care of them all day by myself...even though I do it on the weekends...LOL.

Overall it sounds like you need to just have a talk with him. Tell him how it hurts your feelings. He's probably feeling a little left out (of family time) and although he can pee, eat, talk without sharing, being interrupted or whatever, he may still have a little bit of resentment that he is not at home with you all (even if he wouldn't ever choose to be a SAHD). Doesn't make it right, but just a thought!! Lay out a typical day for him if he's interested in seeing what all you do. But I would sum it up in one sentence "I don't come into your office and make comments about your email box being too full or your project not being complete before you leave or the trash not being emptied in your office, etc, so please dno't come home to our house (ie: YOUR workplace) and make comments about what I didn't get done. Because you don't truly know what I DID get done...with two kids hanging on me every second!).

My husband has never outright accused me of doing "nothing" all day, but there were times when I think he wanted to do just that until......

Six years ago, I had total hip replacement surgery and he took 3 weeks off of work to take care of me and the kids and the house. I did convince him to hire a cleaning service for once a week, although he balked at first. I thought dealing with 3 kids (7, 4 and 3 yrs old at that time), the house (3 bedroom, 3 bathroom raised ranch), yard work (it was mid-May), laundry and grocery shopping with me not even able to get myself a glass of water was enough on his plate. You can get buried with just the day to day stuff! I didn't make it easy for him either. He'd run around, get stuff for the kids - I'd wait until he sat down and then ask him for something! The looks he gave me. Hee! I was horrible. I even said a few times, "So you think I do nothing all day? What do you think now?"

Well, let me tell you - after his 3 weeks of being the everything to everyone, he was never so happy when he could go back to work! He practically sprinted out the door. He also kept the cleaning service for several months afterwards because, "I had enough to deal with!" He was in awe that I could handle it on a daily basis, even when I had "bad" days. I still kept it together enough to have dinner on the table and the kids sorted out.

Every once in while he needs a reminder that I'm not his slave, maid, laundress, chef, etc., but for the most part, he's okay.

I hope your husband recognizes that we all have good days and bad days. Days where we get a lot done and days we don't. You're only human. Next time he throws "you do nothing all day" in your face during an argument, tell him that tomorrow, you'll really do nothing all day. Or, leave him on a Saturday with the kids and a list of things to do and tell him you expect for it all to be done by the time you get back from your outing with the girls.

The other thing is you can ask him what he means. What does he expect when he comes home? After he tells you, ask him if that's realistic given what you do on any given day.

Good luck!

I am in the same situation and can identify with every word u said...
Earlier i used to snap a lot but now i have started turning deaf ear to his baseless complains.but when it gets over my head i tell him to stay at home one day alone with kids and do all that he expects from me on any given day if he is able to achieve that he has every right to complain otherwise he shd just keep quiet :)

I am laughing. The one thing that helped was to have dinner ready or well along when he came home. I worked two nights a week and so as I ran out the door I'd kiss him tell him about the kids and the dinner and jump in the car.
Once when I'd cleaned off my desk top he ran and got the camera to take a photo of it.
He said more than once that he'd like a second bed on a pulley system to lift and lower so we'd have a made bed without stuff on it that had to be cleared every night.
I took the kids to the park (this does not show) Did all the family shopping and errands without a car. One thing I did for myself was meet my friends in the afternoon everyday. We'd get together with our kids. They'd play. We'd talk and then I'd say goodbye to go home or tell them it was time and get dinner together. I also got involved in the community and the children's schools.

Hey girl!
Are we married to the same person? I feel ya! I worked for a corporate company all my adult life before quitting 4 yrs ago to be a sahm. I've aged about 10 yrs, gained 30 pds and totally lost myself. I have dedicated every bit of myself to the house, marriage and kids and not me. Im tired, I cook, grocery shop, clean, wipe butts, deal with fever all of it solo. My husband does work hard for us but you know what? So do I! I don't get to clock out, take a lunch or nothing else. He gets to go to work, talk to adults and not have to deal with anything else. He does think since im home I don't work or anything else. Its not fair, im tired too dammit! Sahm is harder than my other job by far! When he gets home he gets to get in the bed by himself ( I get knees and elbows from my 4 yr old) shut the door and sleep till he pleases. O, and sick days, forget it. Im not allowed those. He acts like my 4 yr old!
Ok im done! Man that felt good! Thanks mama!

My husband occassionally tries that pig-headed line on me as well, but he and I BOTH know that he could NEVER do it. I tell him all the time that if he gives me his brain for the day I will go work and he can stay with the kids. He's not even willing to watch all 3 of them for 20 min while I run to Walgreens or to put the to sleep at night so I can have a Girls' Nite Out. Thankfully he admits it and is fine with me getting a babysitter when I need to get stuff done.

He didn't always admit it and used to make comment to his colleague about how his wife was so good at spending "his" money. He knows that I am a very strong and independent person who HATES asking others for help with my duties, so once I started showing him more vulnerability and laid my feelings out there he started to curb those comments. It was not 1 conversation, but many conversations and arguments over the past 2 years which have finally gotten him to see my point of view. Sadly, the comments still sometimes come out when he's really angry or stressed out, but I just let them roll off my back rather than address them. Instead, I try to steer the conversation to address what is REALLY bothering and what put him in such a foul mood in the first place (like a situation at work or an annoying conversation with his mother). That usually helps a lot.

Yep! My husband travels alot and always has. I worked full time and was a SAHM for a some of the time. The hardest job? SAHM!! My husband came home one time and house was a mess and he made a snarky comment I told him "I don't work for you and if I did, I want a big fat raise!" He got so much better after he stayed home with the kids for a week when I went to visit my friend. I never heard a complaint again! I work full time now in a stressful job, I told him I wasn't cleaning the house anymore and was hiring someone to do it. I was not going to spend my weekends cleaning!

It does get better! I promise! Enjoy them hanging because in a few years they aren't going to want to be in the same room as you!!!

Take a holiday...have your husband take a week off work and look after the kids...he will soon find out what it takes to look after little ones. Its the only way he will truly understand. Next time you have an argument put him to the challenge.