Safe Bedsharing

My husband and I had a family bed with each of our daughters, who are now 6 and 3, and are now happily sleeping in bunkbeds in their own room. At first, we had a bassinet next to our bed, then I brought Abigail into bed with us when she was 6 weeks old. She slept on my chest. Then we got a Snuggle Nest, which we used until she outgrew it around 6 months. From there, we removed most of our pillows and blankets from the bed, put our bed on the floor (no frame), moved our bed against the wall, put up attachable railings - basically, we made out bed into a giant crib. Abigail slept with us until she was 3, and Honor slept with us until she was 2 1/2. It made nighttime nursing so much easier, and I could check on them without ever having to get up. The only drawback is that you don't get as deep of sleep. We also had a night light in our room so we could see them in the middle of the night. Sleep sharing was a wonderful experience for our family. I hope it is for yours, as well. And good luck with finding good daycare. When Desmond's two, he can start preschool at Westminster Child Center, which is on Eagle Rock Blvd at Addison. It's fabulous, especially Ms. Villalobos and Ms. Karen in room 1.

T., I believe in sharing a bed with our children and I did it with my first, it was just easier to nurse him at night when he would wake up, and its nice to share the bed with your first baby. But I will tell you that we shared our bed with our son until he was four. He would refuse to sleep in his crib at night, but would nap in it. It was so hard for him to sleep in his crib because he was so used to sleeping with us. And by the time I thought it was time for him to move to his own bed he totally refused it, so he continued to sleep with us. And when I got pregnant the second time I did it a little different, I let my little one sleep with us once in a while and he was fine with it. He slept in his crib and he continues to sleep in it with no problem.
As for your bottle situation, have you tried giving your baby a shirt of yours while somebody is feeding him? Try it, it might work. Good Luck!
A. R.

Hi, It is so hard being a first time mom. I had tons of nieces and nephews prior to having my first child. I knew what to do, my sister was a nurse, I had worked in the health care for many years so I thought I would be okay. Well, when it is your first child, I was anxious, nervous, was I doing the right thing or the wrong thing. Many questions. I would lay awake all night long because I was afraid of SIDS. In regards to placing your child in child care, there is an adjustment. It is actually harder for the parent then the child. Yes there is an adjustment, the baby will cry, but that is okay. I have learned after 3 kids, that you can let a baby cry. As your baby gets a little older, you will recognize the cries. I am not saying to totally ignore the cries of your infant, but like I said you will in time recognize the type of crying your child is expressing. As far as the sleeping situation, your child will begin to move all over the bed, and even though you feel you are being safe as safe can be, your child will be safer in the bassinet. You will need to sleep and rest as well. We all want our children next to us, we want them safe and close to us, but in the end it you are hurting the both of you. People have different thoughts on this, pick up a child as soon as he or she cries, the baby needs to feel secure but the other thought is that the infant ends up controlling the family and as years pass, the infant becomes a toddler, toddler becomes a child, and when you need to drop off your child at daycare, it is harder on the child and the day care. Take little steps, it is a good idea that you are leaving the house for a little bit and leaving the baby with other loved ones. Yes, your baby will cry, yes your baby might not eat at first, but know that when a baby is hungry, regardless of the situation, he/she will eat, he/she will sleep and he/she will adjust to the new changes, The one that will have the hardest adjustment is the mom and it will never stop. My son, the oldest now will be graduating from middle school, I cried when my daughter entered middle school this year and I am very sad that my youngest only as a year left in grammer school. Once in a while my kids hop into bed with me, especially when Dad is working nights, they feel bad for me sleeping alone. I kind of like sleeping alone-it is my free time. But my kids all went to child care as infants, they all went to pre-school, I did not always pick them up when they cried, but my kids are all loving, affectionate, and they are secure and know that they are loved which is the most important thing. So good luck. I truelly believe it is so much harder for mom and moms go through separation anxiety more than the kids and dad.It stays with us for life, but that is okay, because when you see the outcome of your kids, seeing they are becoming good kind hearted mini adults doing well in school and still cuddle with mom, then you did an okay job. Yea you will make mistakes-we all do, we are after all only human, but all you can do is your best, do not beat yourself up, and one of the biggest and hardest things to do is when you make a mistake regarding your child, no matter how young your children are, apologize, admit your mistake, take into account the hurt that you have caused as well, you are acknowledging their pain, their joy, letting them know that we adults are not always perfect and make mistakes as well but we can always try to do better. Yes we want your children to have us up on a pedistal, but reality is we make mistakes, and I would rather admit my wrongs,take into account their feelings, apologize then to see their dissappointment in me in their eyes.

There are several related issues here, all related to separation. I suggest you call the Parenting Warm Line, a free telephone service for normal developmental issues of everyday parenting. The FREE service (over 30 years old) is 310/ ###-###-####.

Judy

First of all, I don't think is a good idea to have the baby in your bed much longer. When you are ready start the transition. It is very important that he starts sleeping in his own (basinet or crib), particularly if you are planning to start sending him to a daycare, soon
It's is really hard to move him to his bed after he is used to momy and dady's bed.
You need to rest well and not being worry about squizing him. I know that maternal instintc will prevent anything to happend. He will keep growing and at one point will become very hard to move him. I know that they are so cute that you like to have him all the time next to you. The separation anxiaty will be worse for him (not only for you!)
He can sleep with his security blanket and a stuff animal something very special that will give him more security!
You and your husband needs your own space alone.
Good luck!

Dear T.,

In regard to the sleep thing, all the stuff about how dangerous it is for a kid in bed with mom and dad has some validity when you thing about big fluffy comforters etc. However, all around the world, the common practice is for children to sleep with mom and dad in bed, and if you look aat the statistics there are fewer incidences of SIDS deaths in countries where this is the case than in countries that put their babies in cribs. The idea of not sharing your bed with your baby for SIDS reasons only is over stated and over rated.

You are his Mom, you aren't going to roll over him or do anything to harm him even in your sleep. Evolutionarily, since before human society began mothers have slept with their babies. As a religious person too I believe there is something in the spirit of a women that allows her to be highly aware of her child even while resting.

Have you read DR. Sear's book? Its called the Baby Book. His view on parenting and his ideas about how to go about doing it do tend to be time intensive when you look at what the ideals are that he adn his wife set forth in this book, BUT parenting is time intensive no matter how you look at it and he does give fair compromise ideas for parents who can't meet the "ideals" for a variety of reasons. Reading the chapter on nighttime parenting might help you feel more comfortable about just letting baby be in bed with you. He also gives suggestions for making it safe for baby, like getting a rail for your side of the bed and having baby between you and the rail (I guess even the best dads are a little less aware of baby in their sleep).

My husband and I did this and it has been wonderful for my daughter, husband and I. She likes to snuggle with her dad when she wakes up and I have to work too and the snuggle time is important to me and doesn't last long enough as it is. The book also has ideas about how to still get mommy and daddy time, and how to transition to the crib or bed when you ARE ready.

In regard to the working return, another mom had a similar question last week and she got tons of feedback and ideas about it. In addition to the fact that this is another situation the Sears deal with in their book, you might look at the archives and see if you can find it. My daughter has always been pretty independent so her distress about me leaving for work has always been minimal if she had it at all. So, unfortunately I can't offer a lot of guidance there.

Hope this helps - let me know how it goes

R.