Sad Vent/rant

She is Narcissistic.
TELL HER THAT THE MONEY YOU MAKE FROM YOUR NANNY JOB... IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE HAD TO HELP HER, FINANCIALLY. And that if you did not have this job, then you would have no income nor any money to help her with. AND that, you don't even have to use your money from your JOB, to help her.

She is a Mom. Those are her kids, and it is up to her to make her own kids, happy.
She is not a victim, but acts like one.
And she is not responsible.
Some kids, do not even have.... Grandparents. But they are still happy.
Tell your daughter, that it is up to her, to grow up.
This is your Job.
And you can't even save your money, because you have had to help her.
Tell her the blunt truth.
TELL HER, point blank, what life is.
She is 30. Good grief.

AND she even got FREE BABYSITTING from your 17 year old.
ALL last summer!
REMIND HER OF THAT.
And, what kind of "fun" summer was that, for your 17 year old? He/she had to "work" and babysit! He/she didn't have, downtime or his/her own... free time to enjoy summer or with his or her friends.
REMIND your 30 year old daughter, of that.
Her YOUNGER.... much younger BROTHER/SISTER babysat HER kids. Her TEENAGE sibling... babysat HER kids.
And what was SHE doing all that time??? While you and your 17 year old teen child... babysat HER kids??? ALL summer?

I'm sorry, but your daughter sounds incredibly selfish, manipulative, and like a user.

It is very unreasonable for her to compare taking the kids you nanny for to their activities to your interaction with your grandkids. It is your JOB to take them where they need to be. If you didn't do it, the parents would fire you. Then who'd help out your daughter when she needs money?

As for Easter, I'd just tell her, "Well, that's your choice, but if you change your mind, we'll be at X from this time to this time." I wonder if she even understands what Easter is about.

S.,

I don't want to sound harsh, but your daughter needs to *grow up*.
If she can't see the forest for the trees, let her take some time to stew a bit. It sounds like she has taken it for granted that you let she and her children live in her home. Not every parent would do that. It sounds like she has no idea of what it's like to do childcare as a professional. You have my empathy-- I was a nanny for years, and a preschool teacher besides, and my family still gave me a lot of grief for *not* having a child (until I was well into my thirties, despite multiple miscarriages). It's like you can't win.

All that to say--- it's very easy for those around us to judge without thinking. Your daughter isn't grounded quite yet in reality-- she doesn't really understand that the activities you attend are part of your JOB. It's never really a treat to sit while someone else's kid goes to swimming lessons or soccer or whatever-- but we do it because that's the job.

I hope your girl matures a bit and realizes how good she did have it. I have a few stories of this sort of ingratitude in my family and it still chafes to think about it. Somehow, parents are sometimes expected to drop everything for the kid and the grandkids, but they don't often receive the thanks they deserve. Instead, they get criticized. I really feel bad for some grand parents these day... it seems they can't do much right in the eyes of their kids, even when they are doing their best.

I would not talk about work with your daughter. I'm sure that is easier said than done.

When she asks for X, say "I work during that time." instead of "I'm taking Ethan and Sophia (made up names) to story time at the library and then to a museum."

You may not want to see it, but she is quite self-centered. And apparently has been for some time. It doesn't usually happen overnight. She doesn't seem able to seperate what you do for your job from what you do on YOUR time.

Spell it out for her: "It is my job." Between x and y hours, what I do for those kids is my job.

I am so sorry, Your daughter sounds like my sister.. She is so narcissistic, she actually thinks the world revolves around her.

You need to remind your daughter you are doing your job, when you are with these other children. You are paid to make sure they do all of these things. If you did not have this job, you would not be attending these children's events.

Your daughter sees EVERYTHING as an affront to her.

So does my sister.
She also uses her children against us. She "holds them hostage".. She does this by telling them things about us and not "allowing us to contact them"..

Her children are in survival mode.. I think my niece and nephew know we all love them, I think they know their mother/my sister is keeping us away from them.. We are about to find out, because my nephew will graduate from high school in a couple of months and is going away to college.

All I can tell you is that unless she seeks help, she will just get worse.

Consider getting some counseling. for yourself and learn to set boundries. That is what I did.

Yep, that's narcasistic behavior. Don't worry, your grand kids have seen it and know you love them. I understand it still hurts. What she said is distorted thinking.

She may change her mind about Easter but don't placate her. Don't give into demands. Dinner is there if she wants to come. You set the time.
That's part of your boundaries. That's a good book for you.
Boundaries by Dr. Henry McCloud.

Don't JADE. Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. It doesn't do any good and it will just prolong the argument.
Keep your communication BIFF. Brief, Informative, Firm and Friendly.

If you need more information on boundaries, you can look on the BPDfamily.com site. Even if she doesn't have that disorder, there are plenty of helpful lessons on boundaries.

Good Luck!

I think you need to take a break from her. She seems to think your job is to be at her beck and call. She seems entitled and you are enabling this.

Right now she is taking a "stand" that will hurt you and as soon as she needs help from you she will be over it and want you back in her life to help her.

Stop this. Stop enabling her behavior. Let her go without your help so she comes to you understanding how much you help her.

She sounds a lot like my daughter. If I do anything for anyone but her and her kids, then I'm an idiot and I just don't love them.

Your daughter is only 30. I'm sure you, like me, thought that this stuff would get better once they hit 30. Not so much.

Let her take her break. She'll be back because she needs you. That's the one thing I figured out is no matter how awful the fight, they always come back!

Let it go. Move on. Enjoy the rest of your day/evening. Just don't tell her anymore what you do with the kids at work. What she doesn't know, won't hurt her.

Love her from a distance and if you think she's not a good parent, turn her in to CPS...otherwise, just let her be the one to come knocking on your door with her heart in her hand.....if you don't she will just keep using you until you are used ALL UP.

I know this is painful, but better then being the doormat.

It's your job - it's what you are paid to do.
You wouldn't be doing it if it didn't pay the bills.
I have no idea why your daughter feels like she/her kids are in some sort of competition.
A break from her and her demands might be a good thing.
Don't worry - she'll be back when she needs something from you.
If you eventually patch it up, don't talk about your work to her.
All she needs to know is that from start time to end time you are working.
What you do, where you go, etc during that time is none of her business.
When she does start coming around again, don't be so quick to offer help or what ever she's looking for.
She still has some growing up to do and you being the 'Bank of Mom' isn't helping her mature.
Better yet - next time she wants money, draw up a contract and tell her you expect she will pay it back.
Make it a loan and not a gift.
Work out a payment schedule and hold her to it - and NO MORE HELP until she pays back her original loan.

She is selfish. She was selfish when she lived with you for a short time, and she's still this way. Has she always been this way? Does she have diagnosed issues or is she just one of those people who is massively self centered? Either way, you can't change her.

All you can do is say - this is my job, from Xam-Xpm I WORK for these people and am paid to take care of these kids. Outside of those times, I am free to help you if my schedule allows. But I love my grandbabies all the time.

If she insists on crying like a baby about it, there's not much you can do. She isn't rational and she's exhausting. Just be a safe place for your grandkids because she will eventually drive her kids away from her with this behavior. You can only do so much.

Your daughter must know this is your job and you are getting paid to do it. I am sorry but I think she was either picking a fight with you or she is some what delusional. I just can not see her side of this. You have been more than generous. I think she will come around eventually. It sounds like she needs you.

I know you were venting, but you can at some calm time clarify that you do this to make money and remind her of how you have helped her financially. If you were a chef and brought home frozen dinners for the grandchildren would she be jealous? If you worked at Disneyland but took the kids to the park because it is close or free and relaxed, would she whine? She sounds like she is a very unhappy person anyway and needs fuel for her depression and (??) somewhat explosive personality? She will come back, continue to remind her how much you love her and the children. And just like most people don't detail their every day to their children you need not do so either. It's your JOB. She and your grandchildren are loved family members.

S.,
She's being very immature. She knows this is your *job* but she obviously has a beef with you. What is it? Does she feel inadequate as a mother? As a daughter? She feels the world owes *her* something? Who knows. There are some people that can never be fully happy and who think everyone else should pay because of it.

Let this blow over and I'd no longer discuss your job or the activities that it entails in any way, shape or form with her. Then what she doesn't know can't "hurt" her. How childish she is. Hugs.

She might be selfish, or she might truly be hurting. Only you know her well enough to really answer that.
Do you make a big enough effort to spend time with her kids? Are you judgemental of her or her kids? Critical of the kids' dad? There could be many things that have brought her to this low point, not least of which might be her own internal criticism of her ability to effectively parent. That internal dialogue can be quite damaging.
If you hurt her feelings then apologize, sincerely. You guys need to have a heart-to-heart about this, and see if you can't try to understand each other.

Of course she jealous. She sees those kids getting to do all sorts of stuff. Her mind isn't seeing that you are getting paid to take them to these things, that's it's your job. If you were an elementary teacher that was taking kids on a field trip she'd feel the same way.

Just let her rant and let it go.

S.,

Hugs to you! That is so hard! I think your daughter is jealous of the time you are spending with your nanny family. Hang in there!

It sounds like she has some issues with black and white thinking. She sees the world (and you) as hostile and against her, even when she's making poor decisions. It's someone else's fault, in her view. Don't take it personally. And don't be a doormat.

This article has some EXCELLENT advice for your situation, in my humble opinion. I'm not a behavioral health professional, but I have dealt with a similar person with a similar personality disorder. http://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a105.htm

If she can't understand that you are taking these kids places because their parents are the ones telling you and paying for you go to those places. She's probably jelous that she can't do that with her own kids. But it's not your responsibility to take them everywhere. You taking the kids you work for is your job. If you don't you wont get paid. If you don't get paid how could you help your daughter?????? Sounds like some time apart might be good. At least in the long run. Maybe she will calm down and come to her sences. Good luck!!!!

I would assume she can't understand it clearly b/c your answer of "it's my paid job to be there" was wrapped in insults and argument.

Let the air clear, and let go of your judgment of her. I don't know either of you, but it is clear from your question above that you think 1) she's not as good of a mother as you, and 2) she's lazy/incapable of adult financial independence.

If I can pick that up from however many thousands of miles away - i'll bet she can too.

You're a grandma and a mother. You outrank her - so show her how a classy grandma and mother rises above the petty drama. But show her by example, not lecture.

Let me start by saying I have not read any other responses. Because it's really late here. But I wanted to still resond to you. I think you made a huge error in telling your daughter what your on the job duties entailed. It is NONE OF HER BUSINESS what you do during your work day. As you know now, she will only compare her personal situation to your work. How to get out of this? I would spend as much time in the next 2 weeks to make things right in her mind. Then, after she has calmed down, NEVER speak a word again to her about what you do with your work clients. I know it seems deceitful, but she doesn't appear to have the ability to separate the two right now. That's her issue. Your job as MOM is to recognize that and filter as needed. Don't we all wish we didn't have to filter to adults? p.s. please excuse my spelling errors. there is no spell check on this site.

{{{HUGS}}}

It's sad that your daughter doesn't recognize the duties that your job as a nanny entail.

Hopefully, you both can apologize for the nasty things said and move on. I'd just give her some space.

Hum...kinda some harsh responses here. My perspective is a little different. Your daughters behavior is what it is, what ever you want to label it. But all of our behaviors are fueled by our internal feelings whether we know/acknowledge it or not. Kids and adults.

With the little information you have provided I tend to think that your daughter is hurting inside and missing alot of things that make her feel whole. Yes, some of her behavior may be saying "me, me, me" but that is how she feels for what ever reason. Sounds like she has been through alot in her 30 years. Not sure if she has a partner but if she is raising 3 kids alone as a young mom, I bet she is feeling alot of "what about me" or what about my kids.

Perhaps she did take advantage of some babysitting, but how much time does she have to herself to nurture herself? Or with her financial problems, does she have money to do those fun things with her kids? I bet deep down she feels really bad and guilty about that. Which leads to expectation that if she can't than someone else should. She is probably unaware of alot of what she is doing and only reacting to how she feels inside.

Ok that being said, her behavior and possible thought processes are not healthy for her or her kids. I am not saying her behavior is acceptable I am just lending some suggestions as to maybe why...an empathetic perspective.

So maybe what you can do is try and help her with that. She is is not going to hear you if you say, I gave you this, I did this for you, you are selfish, I do this for work... You know what I mean you have to approach it from another way so she feels safe. Something needs to change for her so she can put "her" pieces back together and be healthy for her and her kids. To stop the financial cycle and be able to provide on her own and do things with her kids when she wants with out the help of others. It's a choice and it's hard! But I think those are the things that as a mom you can help her learn, even if you don't know how maybe it is something you can do together and will bring you closer. She has to choose not be be a victim and in time she will see where her behavior was originating from. Be supportive but in the ways that are truly going to be healthy for her.

All the Best!

I see this a little differently than everyone else. Maybe your daughter is trying to let you know, albeit in the wrong way, that she and the kids would like to spend more quality time with you. Maybe they miss you after having lived with you for so long. It may be less about your job and more about wanting time with you.

Your daughter is just projecting her jealousies and lack of independence on you.

I would brush it off. Don't fight with her and perhaps start pushing her to become more independent. Go back to school, etc.