Sad and Alone

My daughter is 5, extremely friendly, outgoing and LOVES everyone, but has no "certain friends" either. I don't notice that the other girls in her class do either really. She's always been invited to preschool birthday parties where EVERYONE in the class is invited, but not like, "special friend" type things. I haven't tried to hook her up for play dates because I'm short on time, but she hasn't been invited either. I feel like all the moms of kids this age in her class are sort of overwhelmed and keeping to themselves (me too). Give it time. It's not you!

I had exactly the same situation with my boy. He wasn't invited to any parties, and was shy, but friendly and sweet. I was very concerned and spoke to his teachers and the director of the preschool. They didn't help at all. Now he's in big school (K) and his teachers are wonderful, and he's only just starting to gather more friends. Still no close ones, but he's progressing. I keep talking to his teachers, and all the advice I've been given is that they all socialise at their own pace, and that he'll get there by himself. Try not to worry, it will happen. Also, why not organise a playdate at a playground instead of at home?

I do not mean to sound insensitive, please don't take it that way, but she is ONLY 4! Play dates are not that big of a deal to a 4 yr old! She is having plenty of fun with her 'friends' while she is at preschool, promise!

I think you are overly thinking this one. At this age, your daughter is not sitting around being sad all day because no one invites her over...I think you are the one that is sad about it more than her and you shouldn't be! There will be plenty of time for play dates and having friends over when she is older, promise!

~So for now, I suggest letting this go and enjoy your time with your daughter...soon enough she will be wanting to spend all her free time with her 'friends'!!!

Make playdates to meet at a park or the beach. Alot of moms with big houses don't like to have people over either... their house is not clean or their house IS clean and they don't want kids to mess it up. So don't feel bad about your house. Just find something that the kids might like to do together, even a movie or pool, kids museum, shopping someplace where you can stop for lunch and ice cream. Find out who your daughter calls her friends and reach out to introduce yourself to their moms. Don't give up if things don't click with the first mom or two. Keep at it and you will most likely find friends for yourself as well as your daughter.

if you want her to grow out of this and now to be shy and akward her whole life then you are going to have to bend a little. how do you expect her to make friends or have playdates with people if you arent willing to have people over at your house......maybe you can find a local playgroup or ballet or dance class or something, that really helped my shy little one...

Invite her classmates over. If they look down on you for renting a small place do you really want your daughter being friends with them?

It is hard when they are little because they are still forming who they are. Maybe my girls were lucky. My older daughter hung around with girls whos pool house cost more than my house. She also hung around with girls whos home was small enough to fit three times in mine. In that group not one of them looked at the others as the rich one or the poor one or the middle class one, they had names and personalities and that was why they were friends. That takes age, she will get there one day but first she has to play with kids, ya know?

My daughter is in 3rd grade, and has lots of friends at school, but no one ever calls for play dates. She is fine and never asks, but I know that if I wanted her to have any play dates, I would have to initiate it. When I do, it happens. So, try to put your self to the side and set up a play date. My daughter's one friend that I would set play dates with lived in a small apartment. We live in a big house with a yard. However, I too was always self conscious about inviting over because we were never big presents and toy people, so my kids did not have as much as others, so I always thought kids would be bored here). Anyway, my daughter loved going to the aparment. And now, when the kids come here, they find what to do, so I have learned that they will fend for themselves and have a good time, they are kids. Once you get to know the parents, they will likely drop the kid off, so it will just be the kids playing and you will be amazed how they find things to do.

It may be uncomfortable for you at first, but just try it. If after three times you still can't do it, then ok, you can stop, BUT, I think you will see that you were holding yourself back unnecessarily.

Go for it (for her). (you can also (and not as an alternative, but as a second location, set up a play date at a park, or a day at a kids place).

I'm sure she's fine. Family is far more important than friends at this age. What you do want to watch is projecting your feelings of sadness onto her. You don't want her thinking something's wrong because "she isn't making friends." That can be more disastrous than the actual lack of friends. I've often felt sad for my kids when they've been left out; but I've learned to nip it in the bud. It sends a message that really shakes their confidence. Instead, I focus on developing their gifts and reaching out to those kids I think are good friends for them to have.

She's only 4. It doesn't mean anything at that age. Don't worry, she will find friends.

Ask another mom if she wants to meet at a park. I am a little shy also, but sometimes we just have to stick our neck out there and be vulernable. I would imagine the other moms would be thrilled to meet-up.

One question though, you say she has not been invited to one playdate, so how do you know they all have big fancy houses? Don't assume and just because they have a nice house, doesn't mean they couldn't use a new friend!

If you want your daughter to make friends, you are going to have to put yourself out there more, and get over your insecurities about your home. Anyone worth a darn won't & shouldn't care about what size your home is. You say she hasn't been invited to any play dates, but have you initiated a play date? Did you invite the other kids to celebrate her birthday? What I'm trying to say is that it's a 2 way street. I've been there, and had to force myself to come out of my shell. No one is going to approach you if you are putting off an unfriendly vibe.

Unless it is bothering her, I wouldn't change anything that you are doing. Children don't ususally develop close social relationships until about the 2nd grade. And I can understand your reluctance in inviting others over to your home. Maybe meet in a neutral area like a park or a coffee shop???

I live in a tiny one bedroom apartment also... but it is decked out for kids and though I have to get over my initial embarrassment, I generally tell people ahead of time that we have a "humble" home... the kids always have so much fun here and never want to leave. You can be a good hostess, have snacks and even activities on the ready. Your daughter will have a much better experience at school if she gets some one-on-one time with individual kids. If having people over to the house just doesn't work for you, then you can plan a meet-up at the park. Either way, it is important to make the effort, not just for your daughter, but for your own sense of belonging as well. Best of luck!

Hi K.,
If your daughter says she has friends at school and she is happy then that's all that counts. I don't want to sound harsh but could you be projecting your own feelings and insecurities onto your daughter's situation? If you keep feeling bad "for her" then she will pick up on it and think something is wrong with her when nothing is. Is it possible that you need a friend? A lot of the other moms have given great advice about how and where to initiate playdates. Just think if you are embarrassed about your home, you never know what the next person thinks isn't good enough about her, her home etc.

are you sure everyone else is having all these playdates? You know how many playdates we've done? or been invited to? Or have ever heard of anyone in my kids circle doing? ZERO! I work. We play when family, cousins, neighbors come over. But I have never invited anyone from our sitters house over. When we have parties, I only invite family and neighbors because if you invite one you have to invite all. I dont think she's sad and alone because her social calendar isn't full. She sounds like a happy little girl.
If you want to take the 1st step you could have a playdate at the park. Just bring an ice chest full of juice boxes.

You can always set up a play date at a playground, or suggest a trip to the Aquarium, or a kids' museum, etc. (Although anyone who's going to judge you for having a small place is not going to be great friendship material, anyway ;-)). Good luck, mama, don't beat yourself up!

Invite one of her "friends" to go on a playdate to the park, McD's playland, Chuck E. Cheese. I'd say only about half of our playdates are at our/friend's houses.

my kids were kinda in that stage of " friends " at that age. It really does not happen for them til K or maybe 1st. I think preschoolers are so little to know what to do or how to be with kids. Moms make the friendships not the kids. I would let her still talk about her friends and enjoy her school. It may just take you to be making all the effort........I certainly did. I planned parked days, ice cream after, book store. People are busy and I got my feelings hurt a lot but I did not stop. I posted things on the door every thursday for something to do. I molded the friendships for my children and then let them fly. It will happen for you guys , I know it !

Hi there - I think this is totally typical. My little one is in pre-school (3.75 yrs old) 2 mornings a week and we haven't done one single thing with anyone outside of the school either. I haven't actually even met the other Moms - we all just drop off and go about our day. We've never been invited to a playdate or a bday party from school but its fine with me as I work full time and we are super busy. We do things with my friends who have kids when I can make the time on weekends, we go to ballet and swimming lessons on weekends, but that's about it. I agree you are over thinking this. If she has no friends when she's 8 that will be more concerning. At least that's how I see it.

Good luck!

I think it's kind of normal. My son is almost 4 years old and has been in preschool for over 1 year. and, never been invited to any parties outside the school. I don't feel bad at all and I don't see other parents seem very close to each other as well. So, i just let it be. I think it is a little bit difficult because 4 years old still very young and play dates usually are set up by parents so, if you really want something, you may need to be "friend" with other parents first.

Regarding the house you live, we are living in LA, a lot of people also lives in small house.. don't be embarrassed. If really feel uncomfortble to invite people to your house, do "park". :)

my angel (2.5 yr old DS) goes to daycare full time but we've NEVER been invited to a play date or bday party. i would actually be surprised if he were! nothing mean against the moms, but the moms are just in/out dropping off our babies. i only talk to the teacher. i don't think he's clicked w/anyone up there but his teacher says he's friends w/everyone. i know they're bout a year and a half apart, and on the opposite side of the spectrum, i'm VERY outgoing & not shy at all...so i don't think it's that either. i think it's okay.
the playdates we go to are my friends & their kids. and not my work friends, my high school/college friends. could you do that w/your girl? if not, then maybe a church for mommas day out or something? idk, our situation's are WAY different, but i just know my boy doesn't get asked for playdates/bday parties either.