Running Out of Hope for This Teen Boy

Sounds to me like he is depressed --- it tends to manifest itself a little differently in teenage boys. But it also seems like you've done about all you can, and at this point, you need to push him out of the nest. You can't baby him forever, even if he acts like a baby.

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for him is nothing. If he buys his shoes too big, let him wear them too big. If he breaks his glasses, let him tape them together, and if he loses them, let him go without. Stop trying to get him to study for the GED, stop trying to help him do anything. Let him get away with not doing his chores. But the moment he asks for busfare, or for money to pay his cell phone bill, or for new videos or computer games, or if he asks you to buy particular snacks that he likes, remind him that you have told him if he doesn't do his share of the work, he doesn't get any consideration, and you are not buying him anything.

When I stopped trying to get my then-17 year old to do his homework, and stopped trying to get him to get decent grades, and stopped trying to get him to do his chores properly, and stopped warning him about all the problems he would face as a young adult if he couldn't learn to be responsible for himself, he finally finished high school during the summer after all his friends graduated. He is still not good at doing his chores, or getting places on time, or being responsible, but about three months after I started charging him $400 a month for room and board, he moved to Southern Cal to live with a couple of his friends, and has started attending community college. He is trying to support himself as a tattoo artist, although I think he realizes that I am right--- he won't be able to pay his rent consistently on that kind of "underground" income. Instead of telling him over and over again that it won't work, I am just kicked back watching the developments. I think he will find his way, and, like your son, he's a good kid, and I'm proud of him.
(Oh, and, make sure your younger kids see the problems he brings on himself by failing to do what he needs to do.) Best of luck.

In a lot of ways he sounds like my oldest son. The nice person, has a lot of friends, no drugs, doesn't require a lot -- when he was little if he had to stay in at recess he was just as happy to stare at the teacher. My friend used to say he'd be just as happy playing with an elastic band, as doing anything else. He is, however, in college right now, so he's doing a little better than your kid is, but he has always been an underachiever. He's a bit aimless. Unfortunately, I can't give you any success stories yet, but I have learned to worry less and am beginning to believe that this type of kid will find his way at some point, it will just take him longer.

My ex is paying for his college, which is why he's there, but if for some reason he drops out I have decided that he won't be hanging around my house, he will just have to get some menial job and a bunch of roommates. So I opt for that as the route for your son to take, until he comes up with a better idea.

Oh yeah, and rewards and punishments never did anything for him, either. If he knew he could make $1,000 a semester for A's it still wouldn't motivate him, nor would taking anything away. It's that rubber band thing again. Sometimes I think maybe he's just really mellow, and that could actually be healthy. Just a hope.

You say he has no skills, but he does! He gets along well with others, so well in fact that his friends are willing to pay his way. Exceptional social skill and charisma go a long way in this world. See if you can get him into some kind of program that explores careers - try the school guidance counselor to start with. I'll bet a great career in sales, recruiting, or the like could be in his future with some guidance. Good Luck!

One word: counseling.

It sounds like this has gone on far too long. It's time to call in the professionals. I know you said you don't think he depressed, but depression had many faces. So does learning challenges, which I'm sure you already know. It also sounds like there may be need for family counseling as well.

I wish you and your family well. This will more than likely not be easy.

My first thought was that maybe he himself was in need of special ed services and that you should have him evaluated before he is too old. My second thought was, if he knows he can't graduate and won't be able to live with you, maybe he is feeling hopeless- so why would he try to do well? Maybe you could pull him out of school and enroll him in a GED class over the summer?

My brother in law didn't graduate from high school- I think he had undiagnosed learning disabilities- but he did go on to get his GED. Then he went into the Navy, and has since gotten an AA from ITT and a nice job as a systems operator or something techy that he loves.

Maybe he is either depressed, or possibly needs parent attention more. Just a guess. Maybe he even has a problem at school with peer pressure or being bullied? have you talked to him about it?

Rae,
Our oldest is the same in some ways, only female. She did graduate, and has gone on to college, but has had to retake some of her classes. She pays for it all on her own, but still lives with us. I work with teenagers in the grocery business and they seem to have this idea of no motivation any more. Very few come thru who do. A friend of my daughters quit high school while she had a job, said she was bored with it. We did not know this until 3 years later, and she has managed to get two more jobs since. Not all places require a diploma. Maybe he thinks that if he does not finish life won't continue, and he won't feel pressured. I remember that feeling my senior year, it was tremendous, and my feelings were all over the place. My daughter felt the same way. She is now almost 20, and in her third year at college. Right now she is busy with a job and school, so we see very little of her, but we know she is safe and working on her degree. She has had to learn to motivate herself.
By the way, there is a class that most Jr. colleges offer that will help a person decide what to become, it was very helpful for Josilyn to have taken this class. Hopefully he will get with the program once he realizes that his friends are going somewhere, and he is not.
W. m.