Rude and Raciest!

3 Yr olds have zero impulse control and no ability to self edit.
They literally say what ever pops into their heads (and that is why chatting with preschoolers is SO interesting because you hear all about what ever is going on at home no matter how embarrassing).
To him, it's all a big game of 'one of these things is not like the others' and he doesn't have words to describe everything he sees.
Just keep working with him to explain things in polite terms that he will eventually copy and keep working on politeness - it takes a long time for manners to develop.

He's only 3. Keep letting him know that it's not necessarily nice to point out everything that is different from one person to the next.

My son LOVES chocolate, so if he said a chocolate person was at the door, I would think no harm of it.

However, my son is in daycare with all races of kids. So, he doesn't seem to really notice the difference.

Your son is trying to make sense of the world and you are putting racial tones into it. Perhaps we have hit a point where we adults need to lighten up when we are putting such burdens on our children.

He is not being racist he is being a child.

He will hit a point where peer pressure kicks in and he realizes what if appropriate to say and not. Until then he is only going to be confused by all of this. Most likely he would not be offended if another child said the same things to him. He is just too young to understand.

He's three. Unless he starts pointing out black people and using the "n" word, it's really okay. It seems he understands that browner skintones don't mean "dirty." Chocolate is not derogatory. Many African Americans and a lot of AA literature refers to chocolate skin tones. Milk Chocolate, dark chocolate, Cafe Au Lait -sounds delicious and very complimentary to me. My oldest son told me one afternoon that his preschool teacher looked like chocolate. So what? I just said that yes, some people have dark brown, chocolatey looking skin. The differences are there. He's bound to notice! Just keep explaining that people have a variety of skin colors and eye shapes -it's what makes us interesting! Keep admonishing any mean incidents like the one with the little girl. At age three though, it's not rude and racist -they just have no filters! That's why we're supposed to teach them.

I don't think he's rude, and I don't think he's a racist. He is learning about differences. He is also learning about colors and grouping things that look the same. I don't think he meant any harm. If I had been there, my response probably would've been 'oh good, we LOVE chocolate!!'

We've been out to dinner when my daughter has said rude things, and I say sorry and then try to explain something good that she could have noticed about the person.
Ex. The waitress was big busted = "mommy, she has a big chest, but not as big as you!!'
Response: How lucky is she?

Ex. Another lady at the restaurant = 'mommy, she has some BROWN skin (exaggerated face)'
Response: who, the lady with the beautiful necklace?

Ex. Little girl with a big head of brown hair sticking everywhere. Mommy look at that girls hair! Ewww.
Response: Really? I know lots of people who would LOVE to have hair like that.

I also remind her that while we may notice different things about people we don't always have to say those differences out loud because everyone can already see them.

I understand your concern, but I agree with Jo W. I don't think your son is meaning to be "racist" or rude. He's just 3. Don't handle it harshly, simply correct him and move on. As he gets older he will better understand.

First off how is it rude to point out someone is dirty regardless of skin color.And kids picking on each other is normal more so on the boys thinking girls are icky..And pointing out a skin color is not exactly racist I think way too many people point out that over simple things. Personally I think that's kinda cute he's associating with something he likes. Now if he was calling him the n word that would be different but commenting on looks is nothing . Everyone is different heck if i don't remember someone's name i just describe how they look like well he was a .... with this color skin.

Hi Jackie
The fact that you would write a post like this is a fantastic thing.
Wouldn't the world be a great place if all parents were proactive like you to ensure that their children grew up with a positive and accepting view of human differences.
You are not overreacting in any way, you are just being aware and teaching your child about the world.
I am very impressed,the world needs parents like you to mould our future generation.
B. k

I have always wondered how to navigate the world when it comes to this. For instance, in my line of work parents will call and tell me that so and so will be picking up their children. I'll want their name of course and they can bring a drivers license. But I don't like to open the door without knowing who's going to be on the other side. I'll ask them to tell me what they will look like. Some moms will say my mother looks just like me only with gray hair. Sometimes it'll be he's a tall black guy with a bald head. Other times it's a short heavy woman with red curly hair. I don't think anything of these distinctions. When the child in question is a white child it may be helpful to know that the person picking them up is not. Many of my families have been blended so I'm used to it and I have 2 cousins adopted from Vietnam. So I grew up thinking nothing of blended families.

One time I described someone to my girlfriend as black. I always feel funny if I need to describe someone because I never know whether to say dark, black, brown, and yes, some people look just like creamy milk chocolate LOL! Since when is chocolate a dirty word?!!! Anyway, my girlfriend has mixed children and she's always been very touchy about the issue of racism.

On top of this concern, sometimes I interview people that are of another race and I get this feeling they might be looking around my house and disappointed that at the moment I don't have any other children that are of another race. It's easy to see they have reservations. But they aren't saying what it is. I don't want to bring it up unless they do. But I do have children of varied races and mixed as well. It's just that I only keep a few children at a time and they just might not be there. Oh how I WISH that our world still wasn't so hung up on this.

I'm starting a new baby on Monday. He's a little mixed baby. I hope he does start. His father did bring it up at the meeting. He said that he felt comfortable with me and he often doesn't feel comfortable with people. I can't remember the words he used. But he said, "I'm NOT black and most people don't see that". I was a little perplexed when he said it but fortunately for me he explained right way that he has many races in his background and that he's Mexican, Black, and I don't remember whatever else he listed. If it wasn't such a painful topic I'd think it was funny. When I was a kid we always talked about mixed dogs as being mutts. Who in America isn't a MUTT these days?! I have Scottish and Indian blood in my background and who the heck knows what else? :)

Somehow we HAVE to get past this in our world. I just don't think that describing someone's coloring is an insult.

I would easy up a little he is only 3 and they say the darndest things, yes sometimes the inaproperety things and sometimes the rudest things. These words like dirty and chocolate are words that descripe something not words of hurtfull and hatefull feelings toward others, just be glad for that.

When my son remarks on a person's color or difference I usually reply, "I know, isn't it beautiful!? We are all so different and it's okay!" loud enough for the person to know that I am addressing the situation and approve of them.

He usually points out disabled people, why does that man not have a leg, or ears or what is that huge bump on their head?

I usually briefly answer the question, apologize to the person and change the subject with that person to let my son know we do not dwell on those things. Then, I have to pull him aside and remind him it's okay to wonder, and he can speak to me privately. But it is not okay to point something out or make fun as it can cause hurt feelings.

As far as insults, or saying stupid or not liking, that is not permitted at all. I would ask him how would he feel if a person said he looked stupid?

He's 3, so he is just starting to notice that people do not look just like him. He has a limited vocabulary to talk about it, so that's why he uses those words. Keep doing what you're doing re. talking to him about differences.

My son's daycare is very ethnically mixed, and one day he announced to me that Ms. Beverly was brown, and that he and I were yellow (we do have a yellow skin tone, LOL). I complimented him on how observant he was, told him people are all different colors, told him we were beige (LOL), and had a nice conversation. It was pretty funny :)

Re. the things that seem hurtful, is he around someone that is negative and talks about people like that? It may be an age thing, or he may be hearing it somewhere. If it's coming from someone, at least you can figure that out and try to block that influence. Good luck!

Wow. That's surprising. I've always found kids to be pretty color-blind.
Have you compared YOUR skin to his and shown that even two people of the same race can have "different" colored skin?

I think at 3, maybe time outs for rudeness might be appropriate.

I would never buy the "no no david book" it should be a no-no to the person that wrote it. Keep setting a good example for your son. Help him to realize that making people feel bad or not liking someone is hurtful. Maybe you should have him play more with kids of different tones to get rid of that stigma. I'm in an interracial marriage (me black & mexican and my husband swedish) our children are quite exotic looking with straight fine hair. Our youngest always looked at blonde hair blue eyed kids like they were from another world. Once I noticed the youngest shunned these kids I made sure to have around more kids with these attributes and in less than a week no more shunning. Our youngest realized that being different doesn't mean bad or wrong. Afterall, I could not let that behavior continue afterall our family is blended and different is good.

Biased is not the same thing as racist. My mixed race 5 yr old shows a bias toward hispanic girls. He thinks they are the prettiest things ever. My 4 yr old black girl cries to have soft blond hair like mommys instead of the curls she was blessed with. He refers to himself as caramel and her as chocolate. I don't think either of my kids are racist. They notice the differance in color. They show preferance for color. But they aren't racist.

I challenge you to dicover your own bias. I am in an interacial marriage. I am pro LBGT and love and accept whole heartedly my gay nephew. My family resembles a United Colors of Beneton Commercial. Yet I was suprised by my score on some of these bias tests. My husband, a black man, thought there was no way he was biased. He was suprised by his results as well.

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/Study?tid=-1

Studies show that while our intellect and our understanding is all tolerance, there lurks within the human brain, a preferance. Even black children point out the lighter skinned black people as prettier, smarter, and nicer.

Sounds like you are going the best route you can.
Kids say things...my own recently turned 4 yr old just recently asked in an over loud voice why that man so brown? I wanted to die...not only do we have a very close friend who is black, but they have a son my own sons age who is mixed and dark complected as well...so I had thought it was a none issue.
Anyway, most people are understanding that kids say inappropriate things from time to time. The man in the store was really nice and actually was kind enough to put Me at ease, when I was falling over Myself appologizing.
I think all you can do is gently correct and not make too big a deal over it.

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I honestly teach my daughter to notice and embrace everyone's differences because it makes them an individual. It must have worked well because she's never had an outburst of rudeness when noticing another's different skin color, hair texture, disability - tho she's very open and curious about asking questions on occasion.

I'd let him know that noticing differences is good, but talking about them in a mean way is not acceptable. I'd punish him each time he made a rude or cruel statement towards another's physical appearance. SOmething like - leaving the fun situation, time out for 15 minutes then a talk afterwards... something so that he is POSITIVE his behavior isn't being accepted by you.