If someone belittles you, makes insinuations about you and people you care about and generally is nasty, at what point do you stop choosing to rise above and ignore? What about if this is done passive-aggressively? Publically?
At what point do you just turn the tables and let loose and defend yourself? I generally try to rise above and use my wit to neutralize things, but I am getting a bit tired of that. A girl can breath deep and count to 10 only so many times before it starts to really not work. So, what think you? I have a particular situation in mind, but this question applies to lots of different situations and relationships.
ETA: I know it was general....I did not want to make it difficult; I just didn't want to have to give a long narrative. This is a person I work with. She has always been jealous of me. She is not very good at her job and when it is clear that she has made a mistake or has misunderstood something should really should understand, she lashes out...not just at me, but at many others as well, usually women. She likes to undermine ideas that are really good if they are not her own; she likes to take credit for other people's work. She likes to delegate things that really are her responsibility and people tend to do her work because we are afraid that if she does it, it will reflect badly on all of us. Many times I have done work for her, only to have that work criticized. SHe has never thanked me. Recently she sent a really offensive series of emailst accusing me and a few other colleagues of going behind her back and purposefully manipulating a situation. All of this was completely false. She had no role in this particular situation and my boss has completely defended how I managed the job. Another collegue very kindly and carefully explained why she (the bully) was incorrect in her assumptions about all of this and instead of apologizing, she accused me of being elitist, racist and bad at my job. (We are educators and she is a different race than I am and she feels that race always the issue when people disagree with her).
Your comments are really helping me a lot. I plan on presenting my defense of her comments publically in a meeting. I am going to very calmly present facts that completely destroy her arguments. I know that I have the support of all of the other people. My goal here is to make sure that she leaves me alone, that she treats me and others with respect and that she learns that she can no longer get her way by being a bully.
Thanks for all of your comments and ideas. Please keep them coming!
Vague question!
How about a vague answer?
Never let anyone treat you like a doormat!
Sometimes a few well chosen words can go a loooooong way.
I think there's a "line" that we can feel when crossed.
I would have to say, it really depends on the stakes and the situation.
For example, if it was someone who was throwing you under the bus at work, then yes, get documentation and present your case.
However, if it's a personal thing, then I would have to suggest: what will be the purpose of the confrontation? Is it to tell them to stop? Is it to change the mind of the person who is doing the insinuating? Or is it to show everyone else that they are wrong?
In my own life, I have had times where I just decided "hey, these folks are going to believe what they are going to believe" and I've let my actions as a person show others *who* I really am. If they asked directly about the situation, I told them my perspective of it as factually as possible and with little comment about that other gossiping person, other than to suggest that perhaps they were mistaken about something I did or said, or "I'm not sure why so and so interpreted it this way, as it wasn't meant to..." Going for as little drama as possible can help.
If you do need to confront someone, then just be as calm and emotionally neutral as possible and state: "I really would prefer you to stop talking about myself/my family with others. If you have a problem you would like to work out with me, I'm willing to listen, but talking to others about it doesn't really solve that and only makes me think that you might be gossiping intentionally about this situation to other people. I don't appreciate it and it certainly doesn't help the situation. If you have any questions or need to address something with me, let's do it now."
I can't tell you any further, simply because I don't know your situation. Sometimes in a passive-aggressive move, someone will make a statement which is loaded or untrue and then you can call them on that in the moment with a strong, clear statement of "I'm not sure why you assume that I/we do XYZ because of ABC, but that's not correct." If they are dissing you publicly, stand up for yourself. "I don't know why you think that, because it certainly isn't true/ that wasn't our intention.." etc.
Overall, though, I try to let my actions speak for me as much as possible, and to also really make sure that something someone says isn't bugging me because it's true--- that happens from time to time. But when that's not the case and a person is being nasty... sometimes, it's better to let them be their nasty selves and let everyone else see them for who they are. Continue to be a good person and after a while, people will see the forest for the trees. Or not. And then, maybe let it go?
ETA: after seeing your SWH-- can you go to HR and let them know what's up, via documentation? This might actually get her a written warning.... and at least it will be documented. Save your own documentation off-site as well.
Keep in mind that when you defend yourself you are giving credence to what the say. If your supervisor approves of your work what does it matter what she says? I suggest that you completely ignore her and what she says. Walk away from her. Do not listen to her. Do not listen to anyone who repeats what she says. Do not participate in her drama.
It depends who it is.
Letting loose and defending yourself isn't turning the tables.
It's being backed into a corner - and THAT'S the problem.
It seems this relationship has a lack of respect and communication.
When you feel insulted do not wait for it to build up till you explode.
You ask "What do you mean by that?" and call them on it.
You let them know up front that you take umbrage with what they said, and that you'd like them to not say it again.
If they repeatedly do this sort of thing then they are not your friend and it's best if you end the relationship and don't look back.
It doesn't sound like the kind of person I'd want in my life. I would distance myself and cut them out completely, if necessary.
I've had to do this with a few of my own family members over the years. It's too bad, but I just don't have the patience or strength to deal with the drama and negativity of others. If someone won't love and accept me for who I am then good riddance, I choose to surround myself with people who are loving and supportive, period.
You're writing in such a general way that it's hard to answer. Is defending yourself always the same thing as "turning the tables and letting loose"? Not necessarily.
Stop doing her work. Your coworkers need to stop doing her work.
When everyone does her work, that means you're covering for her and management will never figure out that she's not doing her job. Then when/if she does do her own work and turns in shoddy workmanship, management will see they've got to handle the situation. If she doesn't turn her own work in, and management asks you about it, let them know that you've been doing your own assignments. You're not throwing her under the bus. You're not throwing your team under the bus. You would be exposing her for who she is simply by not lifting a finger.
If she "delegates" you something: You'd be "happy to help if/when you're done with your own projects" but not until then.
Do not go on the attack. It will make you look petty and vindictive, and she'll look like she's right about you. She'll be able claim that you helped create a hostile work environment.
Instead, document every single time she does something against office rules. Document every single time she harasses you specifically and says something you can count as defamation of character. If she sends texts or e-mails, save them. Print them out, even. Create a file. Keep two copies.
L.:
You need to be a tad bit more specific in order for people to help you.
If this person is telling lies about you - it's slander and defamation of character and you can press charges. You have to be able to prove it. So if someone is writing other people and telling them lies, those that the person is lying to must be willing to come forward with the documentation.
Whether this person is family or not? You might have to cut them out of your life. You have to make the decision. Why are you ALLOWING this person to affect you?
Why stoop to their level? Let them show their true colors to all. Your true friends will stand by you. The ones who let it keep going? They are not worth your time.
Stop allowing people to "make" you feel badly. It's really that simple. Ask them if they are looking in the mirror when they make their comments...yeah - it could be a tad passive-aggressive but really? Stupid is as Stupid does, right?
You might get better answers if you give examples.
Good luck!
It is a very general question. But if this person is affecting your health, i.e., high blood pressure or ulcers or depression or anxiety, then it's time to take this person out of the equation. I mean go NC, no contact or LC, low contact. You choose depending on your emotional and physical health.
My mil has a mental illness that makes her self esteem very low and she makes herself feel better by belittling those around her (BPDFamily.com). It is constant, blunt, behind your back, to your closest friends, doesn't matter.
At first, it was all passive aggressive.
My H can talk to her by phone a couple times a month or so and tolerate it, ok. I, can't speak to her, and haven't for a while. My BP is much better.
It took a huge amt of pain to get here.
I tried to let H deal with her because I knew I would not be able to be the person I like, if I let loose. This is before we knew it was a mental illness, when it was horrible meanness. A lot of people believed a lot of lies from her before they understood her condition. But we stayed true to our character and faith, and stayed above the fray. The calmer you are, the crazier they reveal themselves to be. It will take time but people will come around to your side and this person will be outed.
Take care of your emotional and physical health first.
Do you have anything to gain by attacking and defending? I usually find that attacking and defending makes a bad situation worse.
