responsesHurtful Birthday Card

I think being honest with them since they are adults is the way to go. If he were to show up at the wedding anyway you would want your kids to be forewarned. If he had been nice to them no matter who he felt about you that would be different, he would be keeping his issue to you only but he has included them in his problem.

I think letting them know everything will also help them to appreciate each other more too.

How old is the 'child'? Sounds like they NEED to hear what your brother is saying and make an adult decision based on his actions.

Just because you already have an opinion of your brother doesn't mean your child can't form their own.

Despite the naysayers on this thread, I think you did what any protective mom would do and I applaud you for that. You brother is a hateful person and what parent wouldn't want to protect their child from that - child or adult. It is an unnecessary hurt to pass on. Saying that, now that you have asked your son not to invite him, I think you should tell them what has transpired. They only need the pertinent information, as this is not their 'problem', even though your brother has tried to make it that way.

Please ignore those that are being hurtful or snide with their words about opening their mail. You did exactly the right thing!

Your brother actively sought out your children so that he'd have a chance to be hurtful to them and by extension, you. Your brother doesn't deserve any consideration in the matter and he does not deserve at all to be protected in what he's done.

I'm not sure you should admit to your children that you opened their mail since it sounds like they're adults and opening their mail without their permission is a federal offense. ;-) [edit: Please understand I'm not criticizing you here. I know that some people are fine with their moms opening mail that is still received at their parents' home or their spouses opening their mail without explicit permission. I just don't go with the automatic presumption that that's the case. Clearly in this instance you were protecting your children and I don't have any criticism of you.]

What I would do is be vague, and tell your sons, "Uncle Dicknose initiated some written contact and in it he was extremely hurtful. He continued with a situation that started ___ years ago and is the reason that we are currently estranged. I've wanted to protect you from his assholery for years, but because there's a wedding coming up I felt you deserved to know what he's capable of. If you had planned to invite him to the wedding, I'd like to respectfully request that you remove him from the guest list and not to contact him at all."

If they press you for things he said, tell them. If they press you for how he contacted you and whatnot, tell them, but apologize for opening their mail. I would just save that gem (opening their mail) for last.

If they are adults, treat them as such and let them into the situation - it is only fair.

I agree with the other responders...we need to know how old these children were when this all took place. If they were 5 years old..it is one matter...if they were 15 or 25 it is an entirely DIFFERENT matter!!!
I have had to deal with WAY more than my share of family drama over the years...and believe me, you will NOT be able to keep your children from being affected by it. My guess is that your efforts to "protect" them have kept them from understand exactly the extent of the problem..and THAT is part of the reason that they are wanting to invite the estranged brother ( their uncle) to the wedding!!!
You cannot continue to protect these (apparently adult) children from their uncle and his anger and antics. It is time to let them make adult decisions...if they want to invite him to their wedding...you need to swallow your opinions and let THEM make their own decisions....if he makes trouble...then THEY will be the ones who will have learned from their decision. Your job is to stay calm...stay supportive and stay OUT of it!!!

If your children are grown, then they are not clueless about this brother of yours unless you've been hiding this from them. If they are adult, they are old enough to know what's going on. They don't need the details, but they need information. Treat them like adults with common sense cause treating them like babies to be protected doesn't help them.

And you need to stop intercepting and opening their mail if they are adults. That's just not appropriate. Again, they are adults and you are treating them like helpless children. Yes, they are your "babies", but they are not babies.

i agree with showing them. but the key is that YOU don't put your spin on anything. give them the respect they deserve as adults to know the truth and deal with it as they choose. but keep your opinion about your brother to yourself - they will see him for who he is and making negative comments will make you look bad. i'm sorry that you are going through this. trust your kids.

i'm torn between thinking it's a shame to involve kids in the drama and hurt, and discomfort at you reading their mail without their permission.
what a nasty situation.
i wish i had a good answer.
:(
khairete
S.

I was very surprised to see halfway through the post that these are adult children. I'm not sure how you are getting their mail. But they need to see these cards and need to be told that their uncle (1) may try to contact them, since he already has done so; (2) apparently has emotional and/or mental issues, or family history, that make him hostile; (3) it's their choice as adults whether they wish to contact him, but you believe having contact with him would only make him feel free to be more hostile and hurtful (if you do indeed believe that's true).

Then, please!, you need to apologize to them both -- a lot -- for intercepting and opening their mail, and you need to promise never to do it again. Do you see how doing that, even in the name of protecting them, can destroy their trust in you? You did it from a basically loving impulse to protect them, but because they are adults, it would be understandable if they now were very wary of you and wondered: Has she kept other mail of ours from us, not just these cards? Has she kept other family information from us? Even if you have not -- can you understand why they might feel this way, even though you were trying to protect them? You did mean well; tell them that; but also apologize if you want to keep their trust. This includes the sibling who did not get a card, by the way.

You need an honest and open discusssion about why you are so afraid of your brother that you are protecting adults from him in this way. Your kids may be able to help you; they should be there for you to lean on too, not just there for you to protect; and you and they should be able to talk together like adults.

One other thing to consider. Is it possible that your brother is mentally ill on some level? You say you haven't seen him years so you may not know what is going on with him. There may be a lifetime history of his being a bully and if that's the case, then yes, he's just a bully; but IF he was a different person at one time, then it's possible he's mentally ill. My husband has an aunt to whom he has always felt very close, and she is usually a very lovely, kind-hearted, gentle person -- most of the time. But at times in the past 15 years, she "goes off" and writes notes that accuse people of talking about her, plotting against her, doing cruel things to her that never happened at all. She also sometimes goes off at family gatherings, accusing her sisters of doing things and plotting things and stealing things--all in her mind. We used to have fun with her and now the visits are tense because we can't know from visit to visit if that day will be a happy one or a day where she decides one of us is telling all her friends lies about her. It is unspeakably painful, and we can't convince her yet to get the help she needs. But just bear in mind -- if your brother was once consistently OK -- that he might be undergoing a mental illness. That does NOT excuse these cards but it may be an explanation that could frankly help you ignore them better.

Well I changed my mind when i read that your children were grown!! Yes absolutely tell them, and show them the card if you need to, or if they want to see it. But explain things to them first. Kids need to know stuff like that in their lives, that is how they grow. If you don't tell them, they won't know, and then maybe they will think you are being the bull headed one. It sounds like you are a loving and protective mother, so I'm sure they can handle it. Good luck to you.

Although I don't agree with his being nasty , if the kids are grown, then yes, I think the birthday cards should have been given to them. Maybe their perspective of things will be different than yours. I know that my husband can read one thing and see it one way and then I read it and get something entirely different out of it. you don't really stipulate what exactly is meant by being nasty. Maybe he thinks his humor is funny or something. I know my own brother had a weird sense of humor which included major sarcasm at times. He thought he was being funny and sometimes he was, but if not in the mood for it.. then I didn't think it was so funny.. Also, not sure if this includes what is going on for you, but due to my mom NOT getting along with her siblings and my father, SHE kept me from having a relationship with them....... I sided with her because that was what I was taught .. Looking back, she robbed me of having that family in my life and I feel pretty pissed about it.. Now, I use that as a lesson for my own life.. which has meant, although I don't agree with some of my husband's family (namely, my son's godmother) I NEVER keep my son from her or say bad things about her to him... Telling your child to NOT invite someone to their wedding isn't your place as for the cards.. Well, as mentioned your kids are grown.. let them decide what THEY Want to do..

good luck in whatever you decide..

If your children are "grown" then I have a problem with you intercepting their mail. Please don't do that anymore. It is a breach of trust and violates the sanctity of the mail system.

In the future, I would advise you to offer them the card, but encourage them to not open it on their birthday. I am sure they are aware of the drama that exists with their uncle. Let them make a grown decision.

I gather that it is one of your children getting married and you did not want your brother invited. It becomes awkward if either the bride or groom has a close relationship with your brother. It is, after all, their wedding, and whom they choose to invite is up to them. I would rephrase it as "Please do no feel any familial obligation to invite Uncle Chester. He hasn't been a part of this family for a long time, and I don't want you to risk unnecessary family drama on your special day."

I know you want to protect your children from the possible hurt they could suffer at the hands of your sibling. However, this is something they will have to face eventually. I can tell you from experience, that moment of revelation is painful. All you can/should do is be there to support them and reinforce to them what you have raised them to understand is the real meaning of "family."

I agree you should tell your kids what has transpired now that they are adults. You protected them, but now they need information so they can protect themselves. Unless they insist you don't have to show them the cards, just explain.

You and your children would do well to have a plan in place in case your unstable brother does show up at the wedding. Now you are a team to protect the couple being married and the integrity of their wedding. You might Choose and request other family members you feel could re-direct your brother in the event he shows, or consider hiring a security guard. Think positive, but be prepared.

If your children are grown I would give them the cards so they understand that they want nothing to do with their uncle. Tell the one getting married to definitely leave him off the guest list -in fact, it sounds like a restraining order might be the next step!

We have a similar family situation.

Regarding the one getting married, just ask him to trust your judgement and not invite your brother. If he pushes you for a reason you can explain or show him the cards.

I don't see a reason to cause hurt to the others by showing them the cards unless a similar situation comes up and they need to see for themselves that this is an unbalanced and potentially hurtful person. The first course of action is to calmly ask them to trust you on this. If you have earned their trust in the past, as I'm sure you have, they should understand.

Your brother is a psycho, your children are adults, let them know about the cards, they won't blame you for trying not to hurt them AND will keep him away from ANY family gathering. Sorry, it sounds like he needs serious help.

So your children are grown? How old are they? Do they live with you (not that it matters....just curious about how you got their mail)?

With the soon-to-be-groom, I would tell him that he would be inviting trouble on such an important day. Simply say that he has sent hurtful birthday cards to the siblings and if he would do something so low on someone's birthday he wouldn't have a problem doing something at a wedding.

If your children are grown (over 18), I would give the cards to them later. Not on their birthday, but later. Apologize for opening their mail, and keeping it from them. Tell them you are sorry that your brother has such anger and that it would be a good idea to keep some distance.

Best of luck.

You opened your adult kids' mail?

You've been estranged from your brother for several years, he sent your adult kids mail, and you opened it?
I'm sorry, but I don't think that's right.
I have a 25 year old daughter and sometimes mail comes to my address for her even though she's been out on her own for a long time.
I call her and let her know she has mail here. There have been times she's asked me to open it and read what it says to her, but other than that, I just take it to her next time I see her.

I'm sorry your brother has been hurtful or hateful, but this wouldn't even be a question if you had given your kids their OWN mail. They could determine that he was being a jerk for themselves. Now you're wondering if you should show them the cards or not? After you openened them?

I don't know your family dynamics and I really mean no offense, but my kids would be furious if I opened their mail from my sister, intercepted it in any way or hid it from them.

Now there is a wedding coming up and this could bite you in the rear end.
I understand not wanting your kids to get hurt, but they aren't toddlers. They're grown.

In my opinion, you had no right to intercept their mail like that. If your brother is a mean person, "bent" on hurting you and your family, your kids are old enough to make that determination on their own.

Opening someone else's birthday cards....not cool.

I'm sorry. That's how I feel about it.

They are adults, I think it's okay to let them know what he's up to. He doesn't sound like someone you need in your life. He wouldn't be a part of my family, or any celebration we were having, end of story.

Total psycho. I, too, would tell them about the cards and why you did return to sender. I would tell them that there is concern for what he will do and say, and to be honest, I'd be concerned for safety with a fruit loop like that. I wouldn't allow him at any family function that I was holding, and wouldn't attend a function where he was invited (how many times have we heard on the news about a disgruntled exhusband or whatever acting like Santa and killing a houseful of people, or a family member that felt like an outsider and "shunned" walking into a church wedding and unloading on the rest of the family, or....etc?) I don't say that to scare you and be a jerk. Maybe he even has a right to be upset, I don't know. Maybe his feelings are hurt and he just wants someone to call and coddle him, I don't know. But I think it's a little disconcerting that a grown man would write ugly notes to nieces whether his beef is with them or people his own age.....and in birthday cards? It shows that he'd go out of his way to instigate a reaction. And that's not something I'd be comfortable with. At the very least, he needs to either get on medication, or have his current meds adjusted. My biological father wrote a freakishly hurtful, hateful letter disowning me for saying that a former politician wasn't "that" bad. He's an unmedicated bipolar though, he doesn't like how medicine makes him feel, but he tends to leave a wake of destruction in his path every 4 or 5 years (self destructive more than anything else.....I'm very glad I didn't meet him until I was an adult.....which was mom's decision, for my physical and emotional safety). We get along fine now......but he's overseas and we haven't seen each other in 4 years. Just an internet / occasional phone relationship now.

You might to clarify a couple of things...how old were the kids when you opened their mail? How old r the kids now? Since you sent the cards back "return to sender" how are you going to show the cards to the kids now?

Sorry not trying to be difficult but I do think that the age of the kids makes a HUGE difference.

Wow. What adult goes out of his way to send nastiness to adult nieces/nephews on their birthdays? Sounds unstable, so I see why you wouldn't want him at the wedding.
While I see your reasoning behind trying to spare your kids, the hurt, I can't help but think if that had received/read the cards, this would be a non-issue.
If you returned the cards to sender, how can you show them to the kids? If you still have them, I'd share them with all (assuming they are all old enough).
Good luck.

How old are your children?

If they are old enough to know the history of your relationship with your brother, then they are old enough to see the cards and make their own choices.

You are always allowed to voice your opinion, but be prepared to be told, I hear you, but I am going to do.....

Not that your children would say this to you in this situation, but in life general.

Your brother sounds unstable. I have a sister like this.. We all walk on egg shells and you never know when she will start a tirade or do something out of the blue for no reason.

She also will not seek help, since she thinks EVERYBODY else is the problem, because of course she knows everything and does everything right.. Ha!

Just keep your distance, do not get pulled into drama. The best revenge is indifference.

I am sorry your brother is doing this. I would show the cards to your children since they are grown. They need to understand why you do not want him there and if he is sending hurtful cards who knows what he would do or say at the wedding.

You're going to hate me for this....but, after reading the content of your brother's message it seems to me that he is angry because his efforts to send birthday wishes and checks for their birthdays has gone unnoticed. Your children should have sent 'Thank You' cards for the gifts. It's embarrassing for the giver to have to call to see if the gift was received. I have gone through this with relatives that don't send thank you cards for anything...Graduation...wedding gifts etc. When you call to make sure it didn't get lost in the mail they say..."Oh, yeah, thanks." I'm one that spends a lot on gifts and do expect a reply. They should know that if anyone takes the time to do anthing nice for them it deserves a thank you.

I would tell the kids and show them now that they are grown. Explain their Uncle is very rageful and that you did not want that type of person around your family whether in person or by mail. There is definately something wrong with an adult that attacks a kid in any way. It was your job to protect your children and you did the right thing. Now that they are adults, you need to make them aware. I would find a couple BIG friends, show them a picture of your brother and if he shows up at the wedding uninvited, have them tell him he is welcome as long as he conducts himself with respect. If he does not he will be asked to leave . Have them prepared to remove him if necessary, or to call the police.This is your wedding and your childs special day. Protect and cherish that. Don't dwell on it but prepare for the worst and you will be covered.

I think its only fair that your kids know what he is capable of before he is allowed to ruin someones wedding or even just to ruin the family reunion that such events, like weddings, create. But I would add, you may want to first tell the antagonistic son what you intend to do and them give him an opportunity to make amends so that he can still be part of family functions or at least so he has no one to blame but himself for exclusion from the event.

i say its about time to call your brother and try and hash it out and reconnect. You only have one family. I know way to many older relatives who cut people out over certain things and regretted it at their families funerals. I'm not saying let him walk all over you or the other way I'm jusst saying call and say I got your birthday card to my kid and I was hurt but see that you are too. ...Is he hurt that the kids don't ackowledge or call him ever or get together with him?

Updated

i say its about time to call your brother and try and hash it out and reconnect. You only have one family. I know way to many older relatives who cut people out over certain things and regretted it at their families funerals. I'm not saying let him walk all over you or the other way I'm jusst saying call and say I got your birthday card to my kid and I was hurt but see that you are too. ...Is he hurt that the kids don't ackowledge or call him ever or get together with him?

I don't doubt the component of hurt you suggest-but I have never seen a "hurtful" b-day card?? His addtional writings were hurtful? I would just tell the children that you interceded to protect their feelings-and that Uncle so-and-so is not well and you feel that it is in everyone's best interest no to include him in any family events.

If they were children, I would intercept their mail. They're adults. I would say, "Your uncle is a very angry person and uses cards to spew his venom. You can return to sender or you can open it but I leave it to you. Please don't take anything written in the cards to heart or personally. He has a lot of issues."

Let them make their own choices. I think you need to sit down with the son who is soon to be married and explain yourself. If he's grown enough to marry, he's grown enough to know why he probably shouldn't invite his uncle.

If your brother makes a big scene, then people can ask him to leave.

If my mom opened mail addressed to me at her home, I wouldn't be angry about her opening it per se, but I'd want her to treat me like an adult and tell me about it.