Resources for Dealing with Difficult Child

Dr. Sears has some excellent expert advice here:

http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

I wondered who had taken over the position of Captain of the Varsity Terrible Two team when my daughter left the job! ;)

In a year you will look back on this and laugh, I promise. My younger daughter was an absolute nightmare at that age, so I know of what I speak! She would typically melt down 7 or 8 times a day - her own grandparents refused to watch her because her behavior was terrible. We were shocked, because our older daughter never did that! In our case, our little one acted out because she had a very hard time communicating verbally. Her speech was not clear, and of course she only had the vocabulary of a 2 year old anyway, and she was trying SO hard to communicate, and was furious with the whole world when nobody could understand the thoughts she had in her head (and then she had this uncoordinated 2 year old body that just wouldn't do what she wanted it to either!). Really, time cured this problem. We worked hard with her (in her calm moments) on her speech. And when she'd fly off the handle, we'd haul her off to her room, set her down in the middle of the floor, and leave her there to get it out of her system. Once she felt better, she'd come out and we'd go back to what we had been doing.

One thing that helps is to give a 5 minute warning when you plan to change activities. For instance, "Mathilda, in 5 minutes we will stop playing and we will go eat lunch." Then a few minutes later, "Mathilda, in 2 minutes we will stop playing and we will go eat lunch." and then, "Okay! It's time to go eat lunch!" It seems like a simple thing, but 2 year olds often have a hard time transitioning and if you give them a few minutes warning, often this takes away a lot of the frustration they feel at being told what to do. Do what you can to minimize the battles, because the battles you DO pick, you have to win.

And other than that... deep breaths. This too shall pass. I promise! ;)

I second the Love and Logic classes as well, it doesn't work for everyone though. There is also a book/video you can get from the library called The Happiest Toddler on the Block. The main things you can do is be consistent and Check your Emotions at the door.

Hang in there, stay strong.

I really like what Catherine C had to say.

Just wanted to add...and this may not be it at all, *but* for some kids their difficult behavior turns out to be because of a sensory processing disorder.

My 1st son was difficult pretty much from the beginning. He's mostly a good kid, but would and sometimes still will, dig his heels in or have fits about what to me were the craziest things (I say that affectionately). Unfortunately, it wasn't until he was nearly 11 that we found out that he had some sensory issues. His behaviors finally, suddenly made sense.

So, just wanted to add a link to the website I used- it has a very looong symptom checklist, and it's important to read the explanation that comes before the checklist- IF that is your DD's issue, her behavior will make more sense to you and you will learn what sets her off- and why. An occupational therapist specially trained in SPD can help a lot.

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.com/sensory-proces...

Hang in there!! =0)

LOL... ACTUALLY, you're already 1 step ahead of the game... because she's upset about being on timeout! Yay! (Kids who don't care you really need to guilt them into feeling awful, or switch your style of discipline). You WANT them to be angry/upset/sad about doing something wrong. Even if they're just upset about being removed in the beginning... consistancy means that after a few months the "I HATE THIS/ FEEL AWFUL translates to hating to hurt someone or feeling awful about hurting someone.

What we did:

1) if she's still screaming &/or throwing a fit while on timeout... she gets to stay there, until she's calmed down and can either articulate what happened/ what to do next time/ how to fix what happened this time to the best of her ability (or be led through it)

2) Swift, immediate, justice. The MOMENT (each and every single time) she hits/ hurts/ throws a fit... on timeout. Until she's calm and can articulate (or be led through the above). Whether it's turning around to go home after barely setting foot at the park, or at dinner, or wherever... throw a fit, and you're removed.

3) 'Try again'. If the tone is snarky/ i don't care/ whining... have her try again. And again. And again. Until she says what she needs to say without assaulting with her tone/volume.

Some days kiddo was in his crib on timeout 10 times a day as he was pushing boundaries (and he's also thrown fits that have lasted a good 30-60 minutes long). Some days we were just in timeout almost all day long. Fortunately those days were RARE. More often, he'd be in timeout once or twice a day, and then once or twice a week, and then once or twice a month (as he gradually learned rules & emotional regulation). But my kid is stubborn. You could just SEE sometimes as he was calculating that he wouldn't be sent again. And he'd be on timeout again, and again, and again. Nope, no freebies. Scooped up and in the crib. I'll look in every 2-5 minutes but until you're calm AND 'talk about it' / set things as right as possible, you're not coming out. ((When he was 1-2ish I'd also remind him every single time I walked by WHY he was on timeout))

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Tuesday's Child is wonderful, definitely check it out! We went through their parenting program when our oldest was 4 and it was very helpful. They can offer specific advice in dealing with your child in addition to their parenting program, and can steer you to other resources you may need. Just being with other parents dealing with difficult children can be very helpful in making you feel like you are not alone.

Their website is www.tuesdayschildchicago.org.

if you are already practicing consistent parenting/discipline practices, you could look into food allergies or other types of allergies. How is her hearing? Could she need ear tubes or anything of that nature? Some of the behavior issues my son exhibited seemed completely unrelated to the fact that he needed his adenoids out. Good luck.

Time outs have no effect on many kids. Think about it: They are really not the least bit uncomfortable. The child has to "sit somewhere specific" for a certain amount of time. ??!?? In what way is that a serious deterrent for a tantrum gone awry? That's like telling a child they'll have to turn around three times and touch their nose or something arbitrary and silly. Difficult children are not PHASED by time outs. She doesn't need to "understand" consequences as if they are puzzling, she needs to AVOID consequences that she DOES NOT WANT to happen. Have you consistently done anything firmer for a significant amount of time? If she's only 2 1/2, I'm guessing not. If not don't give up. let me know if you want a great book.

Dan Peterson(____@____.com) out of Naperville. My friend & her husband went to his parenting workshop for 4 hours @ $79 a couple (great price). She said it was fantastic (she was very skeptical). She highly recommends it.

I am going to contact him to see when his next class is, it doesn't hurt to have *extra* tools for disciplining.

Read Love and Logic Early Childhood. It was a lifesaver for us! There are also classes.

Be consistent with discipline but also be fun and cheerful during other times. This too shall pass. Also, sometimes foods they eat can trigger behavior problems. I know when my kids had food allergies and it affected their behavior, people gave me a hard time saying that I was using that as an excuse but I wasn't at all. It was so obvious to me and they had swollen eyes and rashes to back up my claims...LOL Anyway, if she seems fine in the morning and then you notice a change after she eats or if she gets worse after a meal, then that might be a possiblity. Otherwise, just stay consistent and keep doing the best you can with the time-outs. Supernanny on ABC really helped me. You can probably watch some episodes on Hulu.com or on ABC. Maybe they even have some old episodes on DVD at the library or something. I've heard Dr. Kevin Leman's book "Have a New Kid by Friday" is good. I haven't read it but I heard good things about it. Good luck!! and HANG IN THERE!!

I'm not a religious person, so I ignore that part of it, but google "raising godly tomatoes" . No joke, probably one of the best parenting advice websites I've seen. 2 1/2 is a tough age, communication is difficult, they want more independence, etc. But you need to lay the foundation for you the parent being in control and consistent. Good luck.

I am about to post a question similar to this only my daughter is 3.5.

My Daughter has her days. Some days she is ok and other days are a complete nightmare. She screams and kicks if she doesn't get her way. Shows out in front of large groups of people by purposely being mean to either myself or my husband and other things that display bad behavior.

I wish that I could give you a straight up answer but I don't have one. Although I will say that I can sympathize for you because I am in the same boat. I will keep checking back for other replies.

Tuesday's Child is a great resource, and I recommend it. When my daughter was five, she and I took a series of classes there on Saturdays. She was in a room with other kids, and I was in a room with other parents. TC's philosophy revolves around positive discipline. The key is that a parent's behavior determines a child's behavior. If TC isn't possible for you, another resource is Love & Logic. L&L has a website, free newsletters via e-mail, and materials such as books and DVDs for sale. L&L's approach is similar to what is taught at TC. L&L's advice is given in clear, concise snippets - which is perfect for busy parents.

Yeah my 3 year old, time outs? meh, do nothing at all.
Spanking, or at least the threat, does a lot. Doesn't have to hurt, just the sound of a paint stirrer on a diaper does the trick.

Read Mini Methods or Madness. Check out Janie's Web site as well, www.behavenkids.com

There are lots of resources out there and a lot of possibilities.

Keep in mind that if a disciplinary tactic is going to help, you should see significant results within a few days, a week at the most. If you aren't seeing results, don't keep it up. Anyone who says "this always works, and if it doesn't work, you're doing it wrong" is incorrect. Kids are complex and every kid is different. Pick a strategy, keep at it with absolute consistency for one week. If you haven't seen results by then, try something else.

In general, the biggest challenge is precisely defining the problem. Kids do the behavior you describe as a plea for help. What kind of help? That's your job to figure out.

It might be a disciplinary problem. It might be a physical problem. It might be a neurological problem. It might be a sensory problem. It might be an environmental problem. It might be a social problem. It might be stress. It might be all of these.

My son had undiagnosed asthma and was severely sleep-deprived. And he had language problems. And he had sensory processing problems. As we've peeled back the layers, things have gotten easier and easier.

Good luck, and don't let the turkeys get you down.

Sounds like you're dealing with similar problems that a lot of us (pulling-out-hair) moms are going through...
However, she could have a sensory regulation issue, or a number of other adjustment issues. You could ask your pediatrician for a referral to an occupational therapist, especially now before your daughter turns 3 as it is covered under early intervention. An evaluation by an OT and perhaps a Behavioral Therapist could help you to see what's going on. At the very least, they could offer you some professional ideas. I didn't get a full referral, but I spoke with a fellow OT friend of mine who does OT with EI and it's helped us a lot.
Good luck!

We also did Tuesday's Child and were very pleased with it. However, like anything, it takes follow through (which we are not so great at). When my husband and I are on the ball and following their philosophies - we have great results. When we fall off the wagon - all hell breaks loose. :) That being said - your daughter might be a little young for TC. My son went through at three and a half and a I felt lot of their methodologies were geared to kids in the 4-6 range. However, we did find it helpful. I would call them.