Resentment Towards Dad and smom-LOOONG

To be honest, your post sounds like you are STILL a 5 yo (ish) gazing out the window crying yourself to sleep because you're Daddy's not coming home.

Whoever your therapist is, fire him and find a new one. It's not working, you're right.

It was NOT your choice that he popped in and out of your life when you were a child.

It IS your choice now.

It DOES NOT make you a substandard girl (woman) because your bio Dad cannot (and never has, never will) maintained a consistent relationship with his Daughter. But here you sound like you are using his attention (and lack thereof) to determine the quality of your life.

You do NOT need him or any other MAN to have a great life, self respect, value of yourself as a legitimate human being.

You've got a LONG way to go to work through this. Better get busy in time to break the cdycle so as your OWN kids do not grow up with them same Daddy-Syndrome.

:)

You have a choice here, which is to either accept the type of person your father has always been and stop resenting him for it or confront him with it and deal with the fallout.

I would suggest that you start saying what you are actually feeling rather than saying "it's okay" when it's not. Once you tell him or your brother that their actions are "fine" you essentially give-up the ability to hold that against them. Had you said to your brother, "no, it's not alright that you guys are going out without me. Can you come here and order pizza after golf?" and they still went out... well, then you could hold it against them.

You're an adult, so decide what makes sense for you and your family. If a relationship with your father factors-in great. If not, his loss.

I also take issue with him making your husband promise to care for you- seems a little inappropriate coming from someone who walked out.

On a recent episode of Celebrity Rehab, O. guest kept saying "I just want a strong dad that...." "I need a father who will....." (he clearly did not have a positive father role in his life) and O. of the counselors blurted out "Ok--you don't GET to have that. You don't HAVE that."
Your post made me think of that.
I wonder how long you will be happy to receive crumbs from your father?
I wonder how long before you stand up to him for your husband and your family?
I wonder how long you will view him as some type of hero, when clearly, he is not.
It took me a long time to see my own father as "a man" with many issues and problems. It takes a long time to come to the realization that "wishing doesn't make it so."
Best of luck to you.

This has been going on long enough that you know what he is like, you know what to expect. You can't change the past, it is what it is. If you continue to hold on to it and not make any changes it will continue to repeat itself.

Given that - you have a choice.

You can choose to continue the relationship as is, brooding, getting your feelings hurt, and repeating the cycle.

You can choose to forgive him for his past behavior, then LET IT GO and set some boundaries with him for the future. If you don't let it go you can't move forward. I HIGHLY recommend the book Boundaries to help you set and maintain positive boundaries with your father & stepmother.

You can choose to end contact.

Parents aren't perfect, they make mistakes, and they continue to make mistakes till the day they die. From the tone of your post it sounds like you have piled a lifetimes worth of expectations on your dad - and no one can live up to that, no matter how much they want to, no matter how much they try. Maybe your brother has a better/closer relationship with him because he remembers that your dad has a hard time with high expectations and has set more reasonable ones? Sometimes our good intentions get in our own way, instead of trying to be so easygoing, try being honest about what you want & what you expect - then work on compromises from there.

Your dad has never been a real dad. why do you think he will change, or has changed? he won't. he has never been there for you emotionally or financially so don't expect him to be one now. you need to decide whether he is in your life or out of your life. no strings attached and no expectations. if he is in your life he should be in as much as he wants to without expectations. if he's out, he should be out, and not allowed to hurt you anymore.
good luck

Really, I hope that it was good for you to write that post. Did it help? Move on! You make choices in the world and you treat people the way you want to be treated. It goes both ways!

I agree with Theresa below - She stated in perfectly: You do NOT need him or any other MAN to have a great life, self respect, value of yourself as a legitimate human being.

You decide on the type if relationship you are going to have - set boundarys - protect your heart!

Good Luck!

i am 20 and pretty much the same way with my "dad" he lived about 5 minutes away from me and never really came to see me or give two sh!ts about me or my family. I have not talked to him in overa year. he has not even called to see how my daughter and i are doing. the last tim i talked to him was last march adn i asked him for his help to help me get car insurance for a year and i would pay him back once i got a job and was able to. and he said no to me i was mad i flipped especially when i do not ask him for a thing unless ir eally needed his help and he has helped my sister a lot probably put about 100000 into bills and stuff for her. i pretty much stopped talking to him alll together

i didnt read your prior posts but here is my honest 2 cents...welcome to the big bad world of a family. everyone has their own family drama, its how you DEAL with it that matters. put on your big girl panties and stop crying about all this nonsense. no one else is. take care of your hubby and kids, keep working, encourage hubby to get a job, see your other family members on occasion when it won't stress you out and its convenient for you,...dont worry about, discuss or be in any way concerned about what bubba is or is not getting, doing, etc. same thing for any other family members. just DO NOT sweat the small stuff...and you know what? ITS ALL SMALL!!! When you hit 40 you will really understand this after some time has gone by (you sound very young). Best wishes to you!!!

It really sounds like it is time to cut ties with your father, or at least distance yourself from him. I don't care if he is a priest, he is not treating you with decency, by ignoring you and your desire for a meaningful relationship.

However, that being said, you need to sit down and lay it out. Not in an angry way (leave the emotions out of it), but use specific examples of the problems/ignoring you in favor of your brother, etc. Tell him how you feel, and how you need him to step up to the plate. And that this is the very last straw, and that after this you will cut ties. Say it nicely, and with kindness, but explain that for your own mental and emotional health, and that of your child, you cannot keep being the yoyo he decides he wants to play with. And then, follow through.

You should also have a sit down talk with your brother about his behavior--he is clearly not thinking about this, and how unfair it is that your dad is treating you this way. You need to be honest--don't tell him its okay if you're not really okay with it, when he asks if you mind that your dad is ignoring you in favor of visiting with him.

I don't think you sound childish at all. Just a girl who wants her daddy. Your dad has no right to criticize your husband. You're right he wasn't around for 28 years..he didn't take care of you. For a priest he sounds like a big jerk that God needs to deal with. You can't change him or make him be the dad you always wanted. You have to either except him for the father he really isn't or just leave his life like he left yours. I know it's probably not what you want to hear but there is no magic switch to change a person. What does your mom say and think about this. She knows your dad better than you and your bro she was married to him(or lived with hum idk wich).

I get that you are hurt. Have a serious heart to heart with them.