Remebering How to Breathe?

Sorry if you were done getting responses and don't want more, but I'm compelled to answer having teetered on the abyss of chaos myself. I decided awhile ago that I needed to give myself a break. I have declared to the world (and my husband) that I am not a super-woman and I can't do it all. It's very hard for me to let go of perfection, and now and then I crumble under the chaos of 3 kids (14, 12 & 10), a 30/hr week advertising job, a husband who's hanging on to his job at Ford, and a house that's not worth what we owe but needs work done in the thousands of dollars. I was told by a spine specialist that I needed to get a hobby to relieve stress and thus chronic, low-grade pain I've dealt with for years. I laughed at that. But signed up for a Yoga class, started reading again, assigned my kids chores, and let my husband do the dishes more often. I also started taking Welbutrin, which seems to have a subtle yet positive effect. I'm not religious but am faithful. What I discovered was my feelings are mine. I have no control of them, but do have control of my actions. All the bad (and good) feelings come and go. I'm human and perfectly imperfect. I don't get it right all the time. I yell at my kids when I should have hugged, don't give my job 100%, let the dust bunnies and dentist appts pile up. But I'm okay. I can explain to my kids I'm sorry for not understanding, work a little extra when I am full of energy, and set aside time to focus on the things I've forgotten. I'm okay.

I can totally relate! I have a 1,2,3,15 yr old kids (Wow, that looks even worse in writing). I stay totally stressed and soooo tired all the time. My memory has gotten so bad that I decided (on my own) that I have adult ADD so it was such a relief to hear that other Mom's are having similar situations.

I know there are a bunch of moms in the same place, and so am I. I have a few things that I do that help so much.

1. Use a family calendar. I use a different color highlighter for each family member. If it isn't on the calendar, it doesn't get done. We keep all appointments and events on the calendar: school, doctors, church events, family events, etc.
2. I plan our meals (I do 2 weeks at a time). I make our meal list, then make my shopping list from that. We go to the grocery store every two weekends for a really big trip. Then the other weekends we go for milk, bread, bananas, etc. This saves time as we aren't at the grocery store all the time buying stuff we either didn't have planned or ran out of. It may take a few weeks to get really good at this.
3. We also prepares some meals on Sunday afternoon after church so that on the nights we are more pressed for time we can just put something in the oven and have time to do other things.
4. We set our clothes out for the week (with a back up outfit as well, just in case) so we don't waste time each day picking out what we are going to wear.
5. EVERYBODY takes 15 minutes each night after dinner and picks up the house. If everybody helps, including the 3 year old you can get a bunch done in 15 minutes. We make it a game to see who can do the most!
6. I start a load of laundry when I get ready to leave in the morning and when we get home we move it to the dryer, I usually fold and put the clothes away while watching the news.

These are some of our basics for saving time so we can spend more time together and doing other things. It is such a challenge.

Good luck!

Hi K.,
It is so great that you even asked the question of how to move through this. From a medical perspective (I'm a medical student with a background in alternative health), I would make sure you are eating healthy including many veggies of different colors, enough lean protein, and complex carbs like whole grains. Many folks can have subtle food intolerances that through their whole system off, the most common culprits are dairy, wheat, eggs, corn, soy, processed sugar, and caffeine, so you could try and avoid one if it is suspect for about 2 weeks then add it back in and see if you notice a difference (elimination diet). Also taking a good quality multi vitamin daily, and adding a good fish oil can really help. Do you take any time in the day/week for you? Some time off without pressure or stress of job, husband and child needs? Bath, out of the house alone time, etc? How about fun? If you are not sure about this, sometimes a journal, a private space to sort out your feelings that no one else needs to see, can really help.
A daily grounding practice can really help. I just learned a new one that is so short, it only takes about 15 seconds. Do it 2x per day, and it will really help, and the benefits increase over time.

Sit in comfortable position with feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes. Breathe in for the count of 4, hold your breath for the count of 7, breathe out for the count of 8. Use whatever timespan of counting that feels natural to you. Do this 3x and then breath normally. After you have done this for about a month, you can increase to 6x, and then stay there. The 4-7-8 breath is something you can always have with you.
Lastly, if these things do not seem to help in a reasonably short period of time, (1-2 weeks max), then it might be a good idea to go and see your physician and get a full check up. Ask them to look at your thyroid and pituitary hormones, and your basic blood work. Also, just ask them for a B12 shot and see if it helps. They should be willing to give this to you. If you do not have a physician who you like and supports you in finding your health, find someone else. The possibility of depression is always there of course, but that should not be the first or only thing they are thinking of. The American Holistic Medicine Association can help you find an MD who will look at the whole picture. http://www.holisticmedicine.org/ or Board of holistic medicine http://www.holisticboard.org
Health and well being to you!

Dear K.~
I am a mother of 8 and a grandmother of 3, I have a FT teaching job with the demands that go with that, hauling kids 10, 15, 17, 17 to their activities and grandkids. I work Part part time on my ACN business and also...bowl for teachers league and take an active part in Music Ministry at my church as well as feed the hungry on Monday nights.

How do I keep it together..."I DON'T, like you it's so hard but I know that Jesus plus a lot of prayer keeps me. Don't get so hard on yourself, you are only one, the Holy Spirit is my #1 helper. He keeps me focused and on top of things. If not for that supernatural power and help, I'd be in pieces all over the place. I will pray for you!
God bless you. GREAT BOOK- The Holy Bible. Proverbs Chapter 1-31.

Had to respond, even after you have updated. All advice was sage. Biblical truth, breathing, nutrition, limits. Rest, sleep, journaling, reaching out, mommy brain. For me, I had b12 deficiency that led to me to feel like I was shutting down after the birth of my daughter. I thought it was nursing fatigue, my mother's law's death the day I gave birth, my mother's breast cancer, my son's unique needs and my husband's travels. I thought I was aging, not managing. I had been in physical therapy after bed rest and was not getting stronger, was getting neurologically weaker per my wise PT. I was very sick with possibility of a stroke or heart attack. I typically haul through Costco, Target or Borders and found myself 2 Christmas's ago crouched on a kneeling stool in Borders, out of breath, forgetting why I went there. I am a voracious reader and book stores are my favorite go to place..I just wanted to splat on the ground. Like all resourceful mama's, I talked to my doctor, who said lose the baby weight, exercise, relax, try a pill, I researched some more...I was referred to a neurologist and asked him to test my b12 levels. He said I was too young and refused to test me. I went to my OB for a check up and told her how worn out I was...and she listened. I asked her to do the MMA, b12 test, not a typical test....I had barely enough b12 for my central nervous system, the myelin sheeth for eye sight, spinal support, mental capacity and was put on weekly injections. I went to nasal because I am allergic to the preservative in the shot and would go on Monday, get a chest rash on tuesday but the doctors said of course, that is not the cause but gave me the nasal after 2 months of rash. Rash gone after nasal started. Point is, more than likely, you may need some more vitamin support, D, calcium, magnesium, kelp, protein, omegas, probiotices, b vitamins... all good. Thyroid tests are over the place.
Key; advocate for your self, you can feel better. Exercise and fresh air are good for serontinin and dopamine but remember there are countless numbers of unidentified neurotransmitters that affect memory and spirit, same with hormomes and most people are not savvy in this and want to paint each person, specifically mommies, with one brush stroke....try dancing with your kids too when you have a stash of energy. Energy creates energy. Lastly, breaks are under rated. I love the books, the Worn Out women and Captivating..They both have journals to go with..lastly, create as much positive talk in your life, from positive people and from yourself. If you go there, where the overwhelm stirs, find your comfort tools and use them..stay the course, C

I am currently reading this wonderful book...I know when? right? Well, slowly but surely I am reading it and it is helping. Thought I would pass it along to you.

http://www.amazon.com/Breathe-Creating-Space-Hectic-Life/...

This is a hard one, but if you can make a few choices it will help you.

1)Do something for yourself, like a support group once a month, a bookclub, bunko. Whatever appeals to you and make that your night out. Go whether you feel like it or not because when you get there you will have fun. Choose women to be with that are supportive and non-judgmental. Avoid the other girls.
2)Let Go of some of your housework. This may not be your thing but if it is I am not suggesting you become a pig, but if you are a perfectionist....work on it. Delegate some chores to other family members and be happy with how they do them, whether their work is up to your specs or not. I will also suggest you let some things go. It can be as simple as cleaning once a month instead of once a week. Ask your husband to make the dentist appt. It's okay to ask him to help.
3)Are you over volunteering? Step back. It's ok to say "no."
4)Don't be too hard on yourself. You have a lot on your plate. School is starting soon and that is always hectic. Realize it, and know it will get better.
5)Learn how to Meditate! It really helps!
Good Luck!

Please don't expect a Mommy brain to function like a free single woman's brain. Not only do you have more responsibilites you have more people and their concerns on your brain. Much more important than a grocery list so you naturally put it to the back of your mind. I have decided I just love my cell phone with a calendar on it. Since I almost always have it with me, any time something comes up I put it in or check the calendar. Also, I even keep my grocery list in my cell. I'm always thinking of things randomly through the day of what I need to pick up or do...my phone is right on my hip so I just type it in then. Then if I'm out and have time to go to the store I already have what I need with me. On that calendar schedule in date night, girls night out, and a rest time at least a couple of times a week.

Did you notice that things were changing? Remember last year at this same time, seems like last week, right? It's not just a trick of your perception, time is speeding up. This is an opportunity to really take a close look at life and simplify, simplify, simplify.

If there is clutter in your house, it is stagnant energy. Someone else who really needs this stuff you've been holding on to, is out there waiting for it. Simplify your schedule, your children's schedules. If your mind is spinning with all the stuff you "have to do" and you've set your children up with the same kind of energy, maybe it is an opportunity to simplify this and ask them what they really really love and want to keep, and what is just going through hoops for the sake of staying BUSY. Why is being BUSY so valuable? You can start to see that in your life it has its pitfalls. Quieting the mind is more beneficial for the soul than the perceived idea of "I'm valuable because I'm doing something" Why not be valuable just BEing and human.

Time for self is critical and if you can get into nature you can recharge more quickly. The earth shares her grace with you and reminds you that beauty and simplicity are timeless, and that this is WHO you REALLY ARE. If you can't get away to the ocean (no matter how cold it is, it's incredibly beneficial for you to get your feet in the ocean water for just a minute as there is an ionic exchange there) you can visit a fountain, or just spend a few minutes in your backyard when no one else is looking. Notice the birds, squirrels, bugs. What do they have to teach you? How do they go about their lives? How do they know where and when to go, what to do. OH MY, if we could be that in touch with the earth! The best mother of all. Never criticizing us, just supporting us and providing everything we need.

Breathing is absolutely the best thing you can do. If you can put your hands over your heart and just breathe into your heart, you will go many miles to manifesting everything you need, without having to work so hard. Every 17 seconds of pure heart breathing (with no thought, no visualization, or projected desires or words of what you need to create) is equal to 20,000 man hours of uncentered hard working effort. Imagine what your life will be like next year at this time when you have been breathing into your heart all year? Letting go and just feeling the love of your Self inside the core of purity within your heart can do amazing things and heal things you had no clue were needing to be healed.

Love, L.

I know this one is done, but I have to ask all you powerful amazing women, what are your husband's doing? It sounds like they are more work not help????

Have your had your thyroid checked? Aside from getting overwhelmed with daily life at times, I struggle most when my levels have dropped....especially w/ the forming of thoughts, etc. that you mentioned. Kinda like a brain fog is how I'd describe it. Definitely check for hypothyroidism (Underactive thryoid)...it can be easily controlled!

One other thought: my ND (Naturopathic Physician) recommended that I take lots of omega 3s (fish oil) with DHA, to keep my brain running and to avoid the pregnancy brain fog, and prevent post partum depression (I am pregnant). I am sure that it would help for a non-pregnant person as well. Also, is there any way you could cut down even just a few hours a week at work (like come in a couple of hours later, or leave a couple of hours early, or take a long lunch for errands once a week?) That might help a lot too. BTW, apparently in 2006 Consumer Reports tested lots of brands of fish oils, and found no difference in contamination among the various brands, so the cheaper the better. Good luck! http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9D0CE0DF1F...

HI K.,
I always come in on these things late, and I hope you don't mind. I just want to share a few things with you. I have 4 girls, the oldest is 7 years and the youngest is 7 months old. Several months ago, shortly after the last was born, my husband and I were driving together somewhere and he asked me point blank, what is WRONG with you? It took me a while, but I realized I had been feeling exactly what you are feeling, but for at least 2-3 years. I had been coping with it the best I could, but I just thought I was getting old and cranky. As I began thinking back, I couldn't remember the last time I was actually truly joyful about something. What a revelation! I suddenly realized I had a big problem on my hands and I began by going to my OB and telling him I thought I was having depression. He began treating me, but after a few months with not much improvement, he referred me to my regular doc and after some trial and error with meds, I have begun to get a little better. I still have many moments of sadness. In fact, just yesterday I broke and cried for quite some time. It's not an easy fix or a smooth road back to "normal", whatever that is, but I have to believe I will get better. The main thing I'm trying to say is that it sounds like you may be having some depression issues, and if so, I would hate for it to take you as long as it took me to figure that out. I was plugging along, putting one foot in front of the other, doing the things I needed to do, but there was absolutely no joy in my life. I don't want to live that way and, guess what, we don't have to!! I would encourage you to find the time...MAKE the time to go see your doctor and explain your symptoms. If he/she doesn't listen, go to someone who will. I can't express to you how much you sound like I did. Depression affects every aspect of your life...physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, family life, sexuality. I still struggle with remembering things. It's like my brain is full of holes! We as mothers have so much on our shoulders, it's a miracle we all aren't walking zombies! Just know you are not alone. Please at least go get checked out, if nothing else at least for your husband and children. And know you are not alone. You can e-mail me any time, and I will be praying for you. God bless.

Hi K.,

It looks like there are a bunch of us who just noticed your response and did not see the original post. I'm so glad that things are beginning to get better for you.

You've had some great advice and I may not have much more to contribute. I just wanted you to know people are are thinking about you and caring about you. Our stories are all different, but we can all understand that helpless feeling when we are so close to despair.

Please take the advice of others and go to a doctor. You want to rule out any medical concerns. You could also consider whether or not anti-depressants are for you.

There is an article available on my website (www.therapy4moms.com) called 92 Ways to Save Your Sanity: Tips for moms who take great care of their kids but feel like they a could "lose it" at any moment. There could be some helpful information for you - if not, you can just toss it. I also just put out a newsletter on handling holiday stress.

I wish you a peaceful spirit and warm heart this holiday season. I hope that things just keep getting easier and better.

Warmly,

C. Todd

I just wanted to share a website with you that will help you get back on track. It is full of great ideas and babysteps that you customize fir your life. There are lots of support tools too. You have received lots of great advice and I think this website just reinforces it all.

www.flylady.net

Good luck. H.

I work full time as a high school vice principal and am a mother of an 8 month old baby girl. I have to be very alert and quick minded in my work with teachers, parents and other administrators. It was very therapeutic for me to read your post and the responses to it, because I am very much experiencing similar symptoms to the ones you describe. Some days are better then others, so I try to reassure myself on those good days that it's all in my head and that nothing's wrong. I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. There are holes in my thought process-Everything takes longer to compute and to verbally express. It's as if I've suddenly developed a processing disorder. I get so frustrated when I can't find the appropriate words to express my thoughts. I really feel like others are looking at me strangely when there is this delay in processing and expression of thoughts. I will immediately begin a vitamin routine like some of the responders to your post suggested. I will also meet with my doctor to explore other possible reasons for my symptoms. It is a horrible feeling not to be able to think like you used to, and to know that there is an explicit deficit in the present you in comparison to the former you.

You might consider getting checked to see if you have a vitamin D deficiency. I know that can play havoc on how you feel. Good luck!

I'm sorry I only read your question and answers tonight. I know exactly what you are talking about and have tried a lot to fix 'it'. Because I have Hypothyriod (sicne the birth of my 2nd), alot has been blamed on that & the thyroid meds have help considerably but not totally .... however, I have found a solution in the last 6 months. I had hormonal saliva & blood work done & I have very low testosterone (spelling?) and low progestarone.. Since I started on biodentical hormones I have remembered what it was to feel like when I was 20. At first I humoured the doctor because I thought it was just another suppliment - if you catch my drift - but during the 2nd month of applying the creams I suddenly started doing all the things I used to enjoy.. I didn't notice for a week but when I did, I got a shock to realise how I have been living for the last couple of years... I really had forgotten how it felt to feel switched on, alive & enjoying my family. My husband is extremely pleased. Anyway I just wanted to give you somehting to think about..

I second flylady.net. Get all the emails or just the daily digest. Once you've got your clutter under control and/or tweaked your routines, go to yoga and/or simple meditation. even just 5 minutes a day of one of those can help tremendously. (I know, just TRY and get FIVE WHOLE MINUTES to yourself with a 3 yr old...) But really, every day I get my 5-15 mins of yoga in is a day I am that much more sane. Didn't get my 5 minutes today...

K., I know I'm a little late to the dance but I missed this post the first time around. I noticed in your follow-up note you say you are still having problems with mental activities at times. This concerns me a great deal. While it may be a simple case of harried mom syndrome, it could also be one of several more serious problems. Number one on the list would be that you are holding a complete mental breakdown at bay and it is lurking in the shadows waiting for the next high stress event to trigger it. It may also be, as some have suggested, a hormonal shift. You may be pre/peri-menopausal. Do you know when your mother reached menopause? You are likely to hit that milestone at about the same age.

Someone also asked the very pointed question as to what your hubby was doing while you were slipping into your superhero uniform and trying to do all and be all for everyone. He has a stake in this family as much as you and he has a responsibility to help sustain both the household and you beyond bringing home a paycheck. You are a 'bread winner', too and, if that was the end of your family responsibilities, who would take care of the kids and the house and the laundry and the cooking and ...?

If you have already spoken to your husband about sharing home responsibiilties and he is not amenable to sharing cooking, cleaning, etc., find a sympathetic counselor or minister who can back you up.

You need to speak frankly with your doctor about your problems and symptoms. If it is hormonal, tests can confirm it and there are, as previously discussed, remedies. If it is emotional/physical/psychological overstress, that, too, can be corrected, but only if the doctor knows there is a problem. Stress is not just an inconvenience. It can be an horrifically debilitating disorder producing symptoms such as you have described: inability to concentrate, memory lapses, inability to organize thoughts or focus on tasks, loss of energy, feelings of hopelessness and despair. Even though you may now feel you are doing better, the fact that you still have mental 'hiccups' could be an indicator that your problems are not gone, just buried. Please, please talk to your doctor about this potentially debilitating possibility. And, btw, if you do not have a comfortable relationship with your doctor ... find another one. It's okay to shop around. Your doctor is your most important partner in your healthcare so make sure you've got one you can relate to and really communicate with.

Good luck. And do give us another follow up after you talk to your doctor. Remember, you have an extended circle of friends here who do care about you. Let us know how you are doing.

Hi K.,
When I read your question, it hit home. I am 41, have one 19 yr old boy and one 5 year old girl. I cannot even pinpoint when my symptoms began, but it came to a head when my daughter was 3. Let me tell you my symptoms first, then I'll tell you what the diagnosis is (its not that scary). More than anything, I thought I was going CRAZY. I had weight gain and could not lose it, my hair was noticably thicker in the drain, my skin was dry, I was moody, forgetful, and hot all the time. I actually told my mother I thought my husband and her were just trying to make me krazy by pretending they told me things and then acting like I was suppose to know what they were talking about, cause I KNEW they never told me to begin with!... Sorry, I'm rambling. After 2 obgyn, 1 family practice and 1 shrink, I finally found out I had a thyroid condition. The worst part was my levels were checked by both obgyn doctors and they found my levels were normal.. The Endocronologist found MY normal levels were not within the standard norms. Once he finally diagnosed me with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis, treatment began and immediately I began to decrease these symptoms. Sorry to tell you my whole history, but when I was having some of your issues, I would have cried just to find out I wasnt crazy, I just needed hormone checks done a little more detailed than most!
Take care!
K. C

I agree with Patty W. ~ be good to yourself, if you can't you won't be good to anyone else...there is nothing left. Don't let guilt get in the way either...meditate or yoga will help. Good Luck and Peace ~

Hi K., sorry I am also late to respond. I'm wondering if there are any working moms out there that aren't experiencing the same thing to some degree. There is alot of pressure on moms in todays world. I am also a busy working mom and have found that vitamin supplementation is huge! We all know how important eating well is, but it is so important to fill in nutritional gaps. I do not know what I would do without my omega-3 fish oils among other supplements. We need these important fats for our brain to function properly. I have noticed a dramatic increase in mental clarity, memory, and focus. They do so many other great things for your body. Make sure they are a good pharmaceutical grade. One good source is marketamerica.com/swalthers under health and nutrition. I also try to drink alot of water and get as much sleep as I can (I've had to force myself to stop doing late night chores and get to bed earlier). Hope this helps. From one former scatter brain to another. :-) S.

absolutely check your hormones. i went through menopause at an "early" age. had no idea. thought i was going crazy. bioidentical hormones can get you back on your feet. took me a few months for it to kick in. but i know longer have to write everything down on my hand so that i don't forget it (i called it my palm pilot). i could go on - but i think you get the idea. good luck. G.