Religious Celebration Coming Up, and Money Is Tight

My (ex) husband comes from a large Catholic family and these kinds of events were always a big deal. Money was never an issue however because the parties were ALWAYS potluck, everyone brought a dish and a bottle of wine and it was lots of fun. Usually the only cost to the host was maybe a ham, some punch and a cake.
Why can't you just do that? Most people love potllucks! Parties don't need to cost a lot of money.

This is family. They won't understand some being invited and others not. They also will understand money being tight. Invite everyone, buy the cake and make spaghetti or make chili, both are inexpensive and can feed a large group. Ask the other families to bring a side dish or appetizer. Just let them know seating will be limited, so arrive early and invite them to a potluck lunch celebration afterwards. They'll know why it's potluck without you having to actually say that money is an issue.

How about just serving the cake? Skip lunch and make the start time a little later so that people can get lunch before they come to your house.

This is family, and quite honestly, I think if you simply explain everything you have here (which, you don't need to do), they'd have to be pretty awful people to take issue with it.
Simply say, we've only been given this much space by the church, and we can't really afford to feed everyone. We'd love to have you join us for cake and coffee (or whatever) after mass.
Leave it at that.
If anyone gets upset, that's on them or your husband to deal with.

I totally understand. I also come from a tiny family with a history of few celebrations and I married into a fun-loving, celebrating family of more than 100 close relatives. Looking back I realize I struggled to appreciate this gift.

If you can, please consider that your relatives most probably don't care a fiddle about what you serve. Plan the simplest gathering that you really can afford and welcome all. Years will pass and I truly believe you will not regret these celebrations.

We had a similar situation with the church space for our son's First Communion two years ago. We are Catholic so we had a 7 year old boy who was the honoree. We invited those who needed to be there to the church and then everyone else was invited to a very casual, shorts and tshirts lunch with cake at our house afterwards. It was quite inexpensive. Since it was our 7 year old's party - he planned the menu - pizza, Cheetos, fruit plate and cake. We had no alcohol - I don't think you should have alcohol at a child's party - so our drinks were apple juice, lemonade, water and iced tea. It cost us maybe $100.00. Our house is very small and we live in Florida so it was a backyard party. On picnic tables.

As for the 8th grade graduation, although my friends in Catholic private school did an 8th grade graduation, those in public schools here do not...what are they graduating too? 9th grade? I would skip this one unless you want to do something with just your immediate family of 5. You can do a party for HS graduation.

I hope this helps. Try not to shut out your husband's family. I have only boys and really hope that my future daughter in laws will always include me. Good luck!

I'd invite everyone and let them know that space is limited at the church so they will probably be standing way in the back. Let them come if they want.

As far as a party after? I'd probably make a couple trays of baked ziti with some homemade bread, and maybe a tossed salad. I'd offer some sort of punch to drink or here's a glass, there's the sink, get yourself some water. Work with the confirmation girl and make a couple cakes in a couple flavors. $50 tops for my party. If someone wants to complain let them. Everything can be done ahead of time and you just pop the ziti in the oven on a low temp to reheat while you are at church.

For her promotion from eight grade (which the school calls a graduation because she's leaving to go to a new school) just set the tradition that in your family you don't plan to throw a party for an 8th grade promotion. Let the sisters know ahead of time so there's no expectations.

This is tricky. Coming from a family where religious celebrations are a big deal and we do big parties, I would probably have hurt feelings to not get invited, especially if I didn't know why. I do sort of understand your not wanting to tell the family about your financial troubles, but at the same time, it's your family. Simply saying we can't afford a big party shouldn't be a problem. My brother and his family have gone through some tough times and he has said to me on various occasions, we can't afford that and won't participate. Sometimes I offer to pay, sometimes I don't. However, never once did I judge him for it and if I did offer to pay I did so with no other expectation then everyone having a good time. I would tend to guess that your husband's family would probably be the same way.

That being said, could you scale down your after party and just provide cake and drinks? Simply say please join us for cake and leave it at that. Serve cake, people can eat and go on their way. If the ceremony is over right at lunch time then what I would do is just plan for a cake party at like 2 or 3 in the afternoon and after church you all go your separate ways with plans for them to meet you back at your house during that time.

I also feel like it's okay to do a potluck in this situation. Family just wants to be together and surely they must have some idea that you are struggling financially? If my family asked me to bring a dish to lunch I wouldn't question it, I would just do it. I think you need to be somewhat honest with the family and if you don't want them to just give you money or pay for something, fine, but bringing food is a way they can help and you can still have a party.

When we did not have money we still celebrated but everything was done as a potluck. It is a big part of the culture in Alaska where we lived for 15 years. I love potlucks and have been to hundreds of them...even many potluck weddings. It means everyone can get together and enjoy each other but everyone pitches in (it takes a village!) so that no one goes broke. How many people are we talking about? Another idea is to invite everyone, but keep it very affordable. Make the invitation time for after lunch...2pm?...inviting them to come over for dessert to celebrate. Make 5 homemade cakes/pies. Or buy some frozen...spend $5 each. Serve tea and coffee and water. If anyone asks if they can bring anything, don't be shy...say yes can you bring any kind of dessert. Don't buy decorations...just put out your nicest table cloth and have your kids make a homemade sign. Enjoy your family...all of them! That is what I would do.

Potluck! That is your ticket out of family entertaining hell. Supply the paper products and call it a day.

Confirmation is a big deal. They don't care about the fancy stuff, they just want to be a part of her important day.

I guess I don't necessarily equate the larger party with more money. First, why can't it be kind of a pot luck deal? Other than my kids' high school grad party (where it was more friends than family attending), we always have people bring a dish to share for family events. It lightens the load for everyone both financially and work-wise. There are so many inexpensive ways to handle this without alienating your extended family, it seems like there should be a way to make this work.

I agree with the other poster(s) - really, a party for graduating 8th grade? Can't you skip it and combine the financial resources for the confirmation party? Obviously if it is a "tradition" in your family, you don't want to, but just a thought . . .

Good luck!

you have shut yourself off from any meaningful solution by your insistent parameters. you need to decide what's more important- being super-proud about not asking for help, or being willing to offend everyone.
i think religious ceremonies are a big deal, and totally get why your family wants to be there to celebrate. and it would be nice for your daughter to feel as if this is a big enough event to celebrate with her family, who obviously very much want to be there for her.
i just think this is kind of a no-brainer. you tell the fam that the church is too small to accommodate everyone, but there will be a pot-luck afterwards. having your family over should not break the bank. your family surely gets that money is tight sometimes and you can't put on some big fancy spread, and i can 99% guarantee that your family who loves your daughter would much, much rather bring auntie edith's famous potato salad and a pan of brownies rather than miss out on the confirmation.
you don't have to bring up money at all. just 'we're thrilled that you all want to celebrate this important milestone with us. the church service is limited by size, but we'll be having a very casual, relaxed hootenanny afterwards at our place- please bring a bigass dish to share!'
you're not being 'forced to have a big party,' you're sharing something important with the people who are important to you, right?
khairete
S.

have a cake gathering and don't serve lunch. you can have a simple lunch with the immediate ones that will be participating in the ceremony. the invites could read that sher ceremony is at xxx time at xxx church and due to limited space you may not be able to get a seat by the family, (or may have to stand) then state that the "party" is at xxx time with cake only being served.
for the luncheon you could take your daughter to her favorite restaurant and let theothers know where your going but start that its a casual thing and that they would be responsible for their own food.

In our family money was always tight, and we always loved to celebrate, so we celebrated with pot luck style gatherings. Why not let them know you will have a little BBQ after and that you will provide meat and non-alchololic drinks, and ask that they please bring a side and anything special they may want to drink? Or just do a dessert party where you provide cake, and you could even ask that they bring their favorite dessert to share as well. That way no one feels left out and you can really celebrate this special day :)

What I've seen work quite well is if someone wants to host the party for you. You supply the food of course, people can bring things also, but someone with a large house holds the party. What about his sister who is to be the godmother?

That way, you can limit the number at the church to as you say, grandparents and godparents, but allow the family to celebrate.

I agree - I wouldn't want someone to pay for the party, but hosting in their home is quite normal I think. My family does this - my sister will host my mom's parties and quite enjoys it. If there's someone on his side who is into that, why not let them? Have your husband run it past them.

I think if you are honest - it doesn't have to be rude and you don't have to offend anyone. People get it.

Good luck :)

Well, my 2 cents is that April is still a ways away. I can't imagine that you can't save up $100 for party food. You can make a pasta dish, a few $1 French breads, large green salad, slice a large watermelon and buy a couple cases of water ice tea and a full sheet cake from Costco for around that amount, if even. I don't know why people feel they have to go all out for parties. Keep it simple, all the family should be invited to the party (pretty sure they will understand limited seats at the church) and it shouldn't be a stress for you. JMO. Good luck.

As a couple other people said, maybe you can make this event a potluck dessert gathering at your house or the local park. Time it for after meal time and ask everyone to bring their favorite treat or beverage. You can provide some beverages, the plates/etc, and maybe a big cake. This can't be the first time ever that a member of the family wasn't up for throwing a huge catered affair, so I bet everyone will be fine with it.

Can you skip lunch and just do cake and punch?

If church is 11-noon, say you need time to get home and regroup, and you'll have cake and punch from 2-4. Then you can invite everyone, it's a party, without a lot of expense because you are not providing lunch.

ETA: Based on your SWH... Your newest excuse is that your house isn't big enough. Well, then you call a relative with a bigger house and say "hey, I'd like to have everyone for cake and punch after the confirmation, but I don't have enough space. Can we borrow your living room? With family close by and a little creativity, you can easily solve this problem. But it sounds like you really just don't want to have a party. Since that is the case, admit it, own it, and just say so instead of making excuses. Anything you say is going to sound like a weak excuse, because that's what it is. (I'm not saying you have to have a party if you don't want to. But if you don't want to, then be honest and say so.)

I think you can explain the church seating without offending. It seems that you need your mother there, and with her and your daughter, and you and your husband, perhaps the only other person to include would be her godmother. Simply tell everyone that only 5 people are allowed, including the child who's being confirmed and her sponsor. It sounds like it's a very small building, and that is beyond your control.

Then, you can either just have cake and punch at your house afterwards, or you can invite everyone to a "bring-your-own-picnic" at your place. Just tell everyone that since there are so many food preferences, allergies, etc that you've decided that everyone can come and bring a picnic lunch for their own family. You can decide if you want to specify a cold lunch (sandwiches, vegetable salads, pasta salads, wraps, cut up vegetables) or if you will have any grills going for hot dogs and hamburgers if people choose to bring those. But if you won't be providing a grill, make sure that you tell everyone to bring food that won't require cooking. You can just get some big coolers or washtubs or barrels or wheelbarrows and fill them with ice and sodas. That's pretty inexpensive. If you can, provide paper plates and napkins.

I think that would be extremely reasonable. Make sure to take photos at the ceremony (or before and after, whatever is appropriate and respectful) and have them available for viewing (on a laptop for example) at the party. That way your daughter can celebrate this important event with her relatives, receive gifts, and all you've done is welcome people and buy some ice and soda and set out blankets and chairs. I would not be offended to a bring-your-own-picnic but I would want to understand that there wouldn't be grilling, or that there would be, and that if my husband wanted a beer, only sodas would be provided and we were either welcome to bring our own beer or else we'd be told this was an alcohol-free child-friendly party. As long as the rules, so to speak, were clear, I'd be happy to bring the food for our own family. You can even mention that if people have lawn chairs or blankets, bring those too. Try to decorate a little; the dollar stores have banners and pretty paper plates and pinwheels and things like that. Be festive but frugal for your daughter.

Make the invitations for the bring-your-own-picnic only, be specific but positive (don't say "money is tight", just say "we're hosting a bring-your-own-picnic party and you're invited to help celebrate ________'s confirmation at our house from 2 - 7 pm [or 5 - 8 or whatever]. Bring enough cold ready-to-eat food for your family, such as sandwiches, wraps, salads, vegetables, and we'll provide sodas and ice and plenty of blankets for seating. If you have lawn chairs, feel free to bring those. We won't be grilling as there will be too many people and too-limited grill space, so cold prepared food only please, just enough for your own family." You don't even need to worry about RSVPs this way.

For confirmation we just took our immediate family, my mom (she's the only grandparent), and the sponsor out to dinner. Our confirmation was in the evening. You could do lunch. If the sponsor is coming from out of town and bringing spouse/children, bring them to.

As for the church ceremony....if your church requires people to be invited and only have limited seating then I would ponder how welcoming that church is as a body of Christ. Personally, I would tell both sides of your family that the ceremony is taking place on (date and time) and see who expresses an interest in attending. Let them know that seating will be tight and leave it to them. As for the celebration after...don't advertise it. Just have lunch for the godparents and your immediate family.

In two months when she "graduates" 8th grade...that does not warrant a party. She is simply moving up to the next grade not really graduating.

We just had grandparents to both of my daughter's confirmations. We did not include God parents. I think both confirmations were during the week. Afterwards we just had a hoagie tray, fruit tray ,chips potato salad and dessert.

Is EVERY pew going to be taken in the church or could overflow family sit in the unassigned pews?

If there are going to be hurt feelings, scrap the lunch idea, buy a sheet cake from Sam's Club and invite everyone back to your house for just cake. Make it clear that there will only be cake and don't make excuses 'we couldn't afford more' or else you open yourself up for the discussion you're trying to avoid.

Here's the thing. They want to be there for your child. I truly can't imagine not having this sort of thing where everyone that wanted to come can come. Don't they think they should split up the group or something? So more people can attend?

I seriously wouldn't like this at all. When our granddaughter was baptized they wanted to combine hers with another little girls. I felt like it diminished her day.

Since that family only had the mom and dad and other children I felt bad that they wouldn't have a group of people there to support them so after thinking about it I felt like it was the right thing to do. We had just about our whole ward show up for the 2 girls baptism.

So I really can't imagine the leaders of your confirmation not splitting this up so all family can attend.

As for not having a party, the only reason anyone you know would think you aren't having one is because you can't afford one. So talk to your extended family and his extended family. See if they think a pot luck sort of thing where everyone brings food to share would be a good thing or not. I truly can't imagine not having a huge family day for this achievement. Then talk to the family again about the upcoming event. I would not feel bad about a loan or gift that would allow my child to have the experience that every other girl she is in class with is going to have. She is going to remember that her whole life.

i think they will struggle with the fact that you can't afford to have the close family (grandparents and aunts) over for the confirmation while you pay for catholic education (at your home or out for a lunch)? you could book a table at a chinese place, or a buffet place. those places won't break the bank.
just fyi, when my kids had their communion, we only had close family attend mass and go to lunch afterwards. yes it's an expense, but it's worth it to not have people upset over what should otherwise be a great occassion. also at first we were told we ony get 4 seats but as communion date approached, more seats were available for those who needed extras.

Invite them all and serve hors d'oeuvres with a small cake. Cut the cake as small as you need to.