I'm seeking advice on the relationship I have with my Mother in law. The relationship between us is causing some issues between my husband & I, which of course is what I want to avoid. My Mother in law & I use to be very close, I actually meet her before my husband. Nothing happen to cause our bond to split aside from life- I married her son! She also moved 2 hours away, went through a divorce & in my opinion is now living the life she may have missed in her 20's! She often is in my area to visit other family, including her other grandchild but never stops or calls. She'll go months w/o contact with me or my children. She talks with my husband almost weekly if not every other & does ask about us.....my husband & I got into an arguement about that just the other day and what do you know- she just called........after at least 5 months!! We're expecting our 3rd baby & she did this with my 2nd as well (doesn't call up until the baby is born so she can play Grandma of the year) It drives me nuts & I don't need the emotional stress of it all, but in the end it's my children that I think about & wanting them to have her in their lives. She is a wonderful lady, I just don't want her in her lives if it's only to her convenience- it's not fair to any of us.
What do I do??
Thanks.
when did the problems start? after you married her son? or when she went through divorce?
you close to his dad? maybe that bothers her?
Ask her, call her up.
Maybe you offended her without realizing it. Ask her. Maybe she is just jealous of your relationship with her son. There isn't much you can do about that. Maybe it is just her way. It's hard to tell without talking to her. Be very polite and ask if you have done anything to bother her and see what she says. Tell her you would like her to be a bigger part of your family's life.
Have you asked her what is wrong? I would talk to her then if nothing is really going on let her know how you feel. Maybe she doesn't even realize you are upset or that anything is wrong. There isn't much your hubby can do it's you that needs to talk to her.
The only person you can change is . . . you. (of course) Your mother in law is just that-- she's your mother in law. You can't mold her into the mother-in-law you wish you had, or the grandparent you want for your children. You have to come to grips with that and accept her the way she is, good points, foibles and rough edges.
So what if she calls her son weekly ? So what if she only wants to talk about herself ? So what if she goes for months without calling ? So what if she's a bit of a prima donna? She's your husband's mother, not yours. Let him fight any battles and don't MAKE them for him with his mother. It won't do anything to improve your relationship with her, and it will do things to un-improve your relationship with him. Instead, bite your tongue and just listen. Ask how she is after they talk. Let him unwind some after the calls, because I'm sure she is a struggle to him, too, but he can't share that if all it does is wind you up and make you angry. Step back from your own issues and support some of his. What you want to last is your relationship with him, not his momma. (even if she WAS your friend first.)
And being a family of convenience to her ? Well, what are the options? Being NO family ? I don't think you want to go there, either. There are lots of different kinds of grandparents inthe world. Some are attentive, some barge in and take over, some don't bother. One thing your children will have to learn is how to adapt. If you don't build the expectation in about how she OUGHT to be acting, then they won't have that particular expectation, and they will be able to accept her comings and goings for what they are. The most important people in your sons' worlds are you and your husband. As long as you two are consistently there for them, loving and trustworthy, they will be fine, with or without grandparents.
That said, relationships with mothers-in-law can be tough. I don't enjoy mine, either. But I DO honor her as his mom. She calls weekly and only wants to talk to him. When we first got married, she barged her way into his life and left me out. That went away, but she still calls VERY regularly, and if we aren't home she'll e-mail me and ask if we were in the ER or something that night. Drives me nuts. But now that she and his dad are older, (Dad's 90), it's a good thing we talk weekly. They live 5-6 hours away, and it's good to be in touch. My family was less enmeshed, so I didn't call my mom that regularly, but now she's 85, and I DO call her weekly. It brightens her life, and it keeps me in touch with her and what she's doing, because she lives 11 hours away. So, in the end, I learned something by listening to my husband and his mom talk every week: I learned to phone home and do the same. And THAT has enriched MY life !! :-)
It sounds to me like your mother-in-law is going through a lot! She moved, divorced, is reinventing her life and how she fits into it and becoming a grandmother again. Its a hard, confusing, upsetting process and its hard to explain to others.
My divorce changed the person I am today. I describe it like this. When I was young, I got a 1000 piece puzzle with a picture on the box. That puzzle was the pieces of my life, and the picture on the box was what it was supposed to look like after it was all done. 21 years later, after 3 children, many moves, and much trial, my husband jumped up and swiped the mostly-done puzzle off the table. I was left with lots of pieces that I had to put back together by myself, but this time, I had no nice pretty picture to go off of.
If your mother-in-law is recovering from a long time marriage divorce, it is completely devastating to who she is. She spent her entire life building something that fell to pieces, and it can make you feel like a complete and utter failure and a waste of oxygen and flesh. In addition to that, her children are grown and have their own families, and she may feel abandoned and alone and good-for-nothing. That you knew her before the divorce is even more upsetting to her, because she probably feels that everyone her knew her previous to the divorce don't know her anymore, and she might not know how to explain the many profound and deep and painful ways she has changed. It may just be easier for her not to deal with it at all.
I know the friends I had before the divorce all describe me as distant and absent. And in many ways, I am. I just can't explain to people who have never done it how completely the divorce is a death of yourself, as well as a death of a family, the death of a past, and the death of the future dreams you had. Old relationships don't seem to fit anymore.
She loves you, I'm sure. She wants to be grandma of the year and to have a good relationship with you, and not treat you like the relationship is all on her terms, but she is just learning how to live as the new person she is becoming and that takes a long, long time. Its confusing to try to go forward when life is unscripted and you don't know where you are going next.
My advice...if she really is the wonderful person you said she is, give her some grace right now. She is hurting more deeply than she wants you to know, and she is doing the best she can. She will come to you when she's ready.
Hope that helps a little,
L.
She's talking to her son, so maybe she feels that she knows what's going on with you, without talking to you directly. I don't see how that's a big deal as long as she's talking to your husband.
As for having her in your children's life more often - why don't you call her once a month and specifically invite her over? It sounds like perhaps you are waiting for her to make the 1st effort most of the time - but maybe she doesn't want to inconvenience you by inviting herself to your house, especially when you are pregnant and may be more tired than usual.
Hi Jessica. Mother's-in-law...ewww I can only hope that someday I will be a better one than what we have! You can't control what another person does...or thinks or feels. It is not up to you to make any kind of decision on what should be done with your mother-in-law...leave that one up to your hubby. Your best bet now and in the long run is to rise above her behavior. After you tell your hubby how you feel you need to go on with your life and not let her "rule your world". If she can't be bothered to come and visit...oh well, her loss. If she only wants to talk to her son, oh well, her loss. If she doesn't want to be a great grandma...well it is HER LOSS! She will never be able to "make up" to your children. Without you saying a word as they grow older they will realize what is going on and make their own decision about their grandma...and one she most likely not like at all. My own kids have no relationship with my mother because she wasn't there and has made no attempt to be there for them EVER. Even though our relationship has been rocky at best I have never tried to keep my kids away from her, she has always had phone and email access to them, and she has choosen her path. Now that they are older they don't have any desire to have anything to do with her. As far as my hubby's Mother & Father, well, they pop in when they feel like it...and I quit worrying about it. If we are busy when they come into town (they live about 3 hours away) then we are busy. They have been here once since last summer and due to commitments they only saw two of my three girls for a couple of hours. Again, their loss. Live your life, make your plans, invite her to events (concerts, plays, parties etc.) if she shows great, if she doesn't that's fine to. Don't let her "rule your world" and color your relationship with your hubby. You married him, not his family! I have found over the years that the best people in our lives are the people we have chosen to be there, not the people we are related to by blood. Love is thicker than blood. Best wishes.
I'm a little confused with your post. Does your MIL call and talk to your husband, but not you and children? If that is the big concern I would say forget it. My MIL calls and talks to my husband, sometimes the kids. Depending on the age of the children it may be hard to talk to them anyway. The other way around - my mom calls to talk to me.
Count your blessings. Would you rather she was always in your business? If you want to talk to her, call her. If you know she's going to be near-by, invite her for dinner, or offer to take her out.
Hi Jessica,
What do you need from your MIL?
Write down what you need from her.
Use I statements: For example:
I need you to call me once a week to ask me how I am doing.
I need you to call each one of my sons every day and say hello.
I need you to come visit my family once a week for dinner on Sunday's at 12;00 NOON
Let her know how much you care about her and how much she means to you and how you feel that the relationship has changed since you married her son.
Tell her how you feel. I feel that she will be surprised that you really care about her and that you want a relationship with her.
Good luck. All the best. D.
Jess,
I had something similar with a friend--I was complaining that she never called me, etc., and another friend asked, "How often do you call her?" Wow. I realized that SHE may have been feeling the same way about ME! Also, with your MIL, it may be a case of her trying to tread the fine line between being friendly and being intrusive.
Misunderstandings usually happen in the absence of information, so you might try reaching out to her, just give her a call and talk about it.
Best of luck,
L.
