Hi all,
My s/o of almost 3 years left last Thursday after a insanely highly emotional and irrational fight last Monday that for some reason we both couldn’t drop. Usually if we have an argument a night apart or like the next day we are fine.
He is starting a new job this up coming week and dealing with issues with his family. Currently lives with his mom because of money issues stemming from his dads death and from the lack of his brothers help for their mom. This all hit the fan Tuesday after his mom telling him financial info he wasn’t aware of. He has a son from a previous marriage. So not having his own place for him to call home to every other weekend and for him and i to have a place is challenging.
He told me that he has a lot on his plate and dealing with me and our issues is the last thing he needs. Blew up at me and started saying very hurtful things. I calmly got up (we worked together so this happened in his office) and left work for the day and took Friday off as well. I couldn’t get my emotions under control because I feel like my world flipped upside down.
He is very reserved and it takes a lot for him to talk and open up.
We truly are best friends. I love him more than anything and would hate to lose him. We have been talking about getting a house and marriage. I haven’t said a word to him since. I want to give him space and not be an added stressor to his life. I want to be there for him but he pushes me away.
I’m not sure if this breakup is set In stone or if he did this out of anger and stress and will come back around.
I am truly blindsided by this and so are my closest friends that knew us both because we have gone through a lot together and have been having a great relationship.
Any advice from moms or women who have been though this would be so amazing. I am trying to remain strong and allow him to come to me but it’s hard not having your best friend next to you anymore .
I absolutely agree with Southern Yankee's assessment. You say he's very reserved - it sounds like he's not a communicative person and you probably do all the heavy lifting in the relationship. You probably won't realize this for several months, to be honest.
As hard as this is, step back and leave him alone. He has made it clear that you do not come first. And honestly, you don't deserve that. Don't settle for it.
If you are really his best friend he will come back after he cools off. If not, maybe you see more to the relationship than there really is. And actions speak louder than words. Like the action of him pushing you away. Also it's not a great sign if you are having a lot of arguments before you're even living together. Sounds like you are reading more into it than he is willing to give. If you've "been through a lot" maybe he doesn't want to do that anymore, why would he? Not many people willingly stay in relationships that are hard, unless they've been together for a long time and have kids. Not trying to be mean just honest. Spend some time on yourself and doing things with your friends and let him figure his life out.
I think I'd be done with that relationship. Really?
Try to look to your future and what do you see?
The anger and storming out would be a deal breaker as well. What's going to happen the next time?
My marriage lasted 26 yrs,almost 30 together before he died. All relationships go through ups and down and no relationship is perfect .
He sounds like his plate us too full, no room for you and you deserve better.
Good Relationships are not fighting often and especially someone storming out over anger and words that can't be taken back.
Consider this a huge red flag for the future.
My daughter's boyfriend lost his father very unexpectedly late last year. He assumed the "man of the family" role with the encouragement of his mother. He broke up with my daughter about two months after his dad died. We were all shocked and dismayed about this. They had been ring shopping and everything. She was vested with him and his daughter. She was devastated. She has moved on and thought back on the relationship. It wasn't what she thought and there is no doubt in my mind she dodged a bullet. I would put a bet that you are too.
A best friend and lover doesn't treat the woman he loves like this. Listen to what he is saying and what he is doing. Actions speak louder than words.
Chalk it up as over and done.
He said "he has a lot on his plate and dealing with me and our issues is the last thing he needs".
Believe him - this was him opening up, being honest and telling you how it is from his point of view.
He said hurtful things to you to make it easier for you to break up.
He's being cruel to be kind - you need to move on.
In fact - if he does 'come back to you' - the best thing for you to do is to turn him away.
While it will take time for you to see it that way - be glad it happened now because it's a lot easier than divorcing after a marriage.
It's not good that he sees you as one more thing he has had to cope with and not someone who helps him cope.
So the best thing for all of you every which way around is to wish him well, hope he has a good life - and you need to find your own good life away from him.
Big break ups are tough - you need time to heal.
Your self esteem takes a beating and it needs building up.
Spend time with girlfriends, work on yourself, your education, your career.
Take up a new hobby, meet new people, get involved in some volunteer work.
Stay single for awhile (at least a year maybe longer) and delve into your personal growth.
The sooner you start looking for 'happy' not built up around some man the sooner you will find it.
Honey:
You are not best friends you are sex buddies. You may think you are in love with him but he is not in love with you. He is selfish and not thinking of your best interests. He has you dangling on a string hoping he chooses you but he has made it clear he is choosing his mom and siblings over you. He tells you what you want to hear so you keep having sex with him.
Sorry if this is hurtful but it's better to see it now than to waste years waiting for this man to love you. It's time to move on, find a different job, and get away from him.
He's normally reserved, but he has opened up this time.
He has told you that you are a burden to him, that when he has too much to handle, he needs anyone but you. Believe him.
He has a lot of family issues (mom, deceased father, a child, unsupportive siblings) and you two have no time together. You have no place to be together, yet you don't say how you are working toward that. You are "talking about a house and marriage" yet you cannot talk to each other anger and hurt. You say you are best friends. How is that? When he's angry, he hurts his best friend? And in front of the office.
You love him, I get it. But you don't have a friendship or a "great relationship." You have sex and not much else. When you have fights, you spend the night apart and don't really work anything out. He pushes you away and your mission is to not be a stressor. You're not his best friend, L.. Best friends run to each other in times of trouble, lean on each other. They don't hold back and hope they won't piss the other one off.
You have the added problem of working in the same place. Whichever one of you is junior to the other needs to get a resume together and look for a better workplace. Please get some counseling to figure out what you saw in this man and how you can recognize the signs of disaster in an angry man in the future. You cannot fix him if he doesn't want to be fixed. You cannot ignore it and hope he will magically change before the next time.
What issues do you have together? Relationships really should not be that hard and you’re not even married yet. I’m married for 22 years and my husband and I have no issues in our relationship.
I think I’m always leary when someone says they have gone through a lot together. In what way? I’ve gone through a lot with my husband too...that’s life but our relationship is still for the most part good, easy and fun. (We’ve dealt with the death of a child, moves, starting a company, not having income for 1 year+, health issues etc).
I think it is time for you to move on. His actions are speaking very loudly. Believe him.
I'm sorry for your heartbreak, which I know is real. Sometimes a relationship isn't meant to be because the timing just isn't right. This happened to me twice in my life. Both times I was in love with the person, and I still believe that he loved me. But love isn't enough.
It sounds like your ex needs to figure out his own life on his own right now and that will take months, and maybe even years to do. I know that is very painful for you, but your best bet is to accept it and move on. Is it possible that someday the two of you might reconnect? Nothing is impossible, but you definitely should not wait around for this to happen. Live your own best life, get involved in new activities that you like, and make new friends - you only get one life to live (as far as I know), and you don't want to waste it waiting for something that might never happen.
Has he done this before? He may just be on a short fuse because of the other things going on in his life, and took it out on you. I know I was kind of dismissive of people and withdrawn after one of my closest friends passed away. Some people respond to stress by having outbursts and taking it out on others, try giving him some space and see if after a week or so, he cools down and realizes that he overreacted. If so, at that time, tell him that you didn't appreciate his short temper and that you hope that if he's feeling that way in the future, he will reach out to you to discuss it and find a way of working through things, rather than becoming temperamental and pushing you away. Some people need to be told, because they are unaware that their words are so hurtful and they need to be more aware of what comes out of their mouths.
