Relationship Advice - Fresno,CA

Forgetting all else that you write, the 5 kids is enough for me to move on followed by the annoying ex. Too much drama for me.

you have kids? he has kids.
you are still married.
this post has red flags ALL over it.
whoa back, cowgirl.
khairete
S.

Keep flying there for a while, and having him fly to see you. If the two of you are really right for each other, you will know in a couple of years.

If this guy is already doing the 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' line (which is kind of a b.s. statement), then this relationship is probably on the way out anyway.

Good thing you didn't move.

Which relationship are you look for advice on? The committed one you're violating? Or the man you're chasing?

Let's see - you haven't mentioned your four children in this post at all.
You're chasing a man who isn't in love with you, is clearly losing interest in you, very well may still be married and cheating on his wife with you. You're chasing a feeling, not a relationship.

And let's see what a prize he is - somehow, he let his marriage fall apart when there are five little ones counting on him - now, that doesn't mean it's all his fault, but seriously, why is his marriage over? Is it really over? Is he actually divorced, separated, still married? And if he lacks the commitment to stay with his wife (who clearly is still emotionally attached - positively or negatively to him), where will you be in a few years with him? I'll tell you where- it's already happening, but you're in that "teenage" fog of infatuation and lust and blinded to the fact that he's just not that into you. Period. It hurts, it's hard to hear, but you need to.

You haven't finished the chapter with your husband. Do that and work on yourself and stop chasing after this man. Have some dignity!

He's married, and his wife caught wind of the affair.
Don't be a "teenager" (your word, not mine) time to grow up, read the writing on the wall and move on.

Not trying to be judge mental, just expressing voice of experience, though I was not married when I got into next relationship. There have been previous posts of this nature on this site, and repeatedly these questions come back as if no one learns from anyone's mistakes.

You have been playing with fire and are about to get burned and the flame is going out. I totally understand your feelings, but what you have is not MATURE love, it is infatuation and probably "in love with a fantasy", not reality of daily life with this person.

You are probably smothering him and he is pulling back. Because of your past relationship and now you are feeling what you have missed for so long and it feels so good to get the attention and talk about the dreams, but it isn't going to happen.

Many years of therapy for different issues, I have learned many things and the one stand out thing is: "do not get into a serious relationship before TWO YEARS of getting out of the previous serious relationship, whether loss of spouse or mate through break up, divorce or death". It takes that much time to "get over it" and leave the baggage behind.

He has an "ex" still in the picture, clearly she is linked to him by the children and always will be, that's reality and he likely hasn't had two years to clear out his "baggage" either.

You are not ready, step back, reassess your situation. He is telling you he loves you but not IN Love, BIG DIFFERENCE, he won't change that and you will end up feeling used and abused and your self esteem will go down the tubes. Get into counseling, learn who YOU are and why you are so desperate. Happiness does not come from other people, it comes from within YOU, and you are a long way from being there.

Good luck, you are going to need it. Sorry, but this has rebound written all over it.

Ugh! I just want to point out that NO WHERE in this post do you even mention YOUR children and how this will affect them. I only know you have children from a previous post. That is an indicator that you are not thinking things through or thinking about the big picture.

Sorry to say this, but I'm rolling my eyes. If you were reading someone else's words who said what you did, you'd think "oh brother".

Of course he's pulling back. You're doing all the work - all the heavy lifting. 15 times to his 4? You're the one pursing him. And he's not "in love with you". Are you so blinded by your teenage crush on him that you actually can't see that this is just an expensive fling?

He's supposed to be paying attention to his 5 kids. His ex is certainly trying to make sure of that. I don't think you will EVER be number one in his book. The kids come first. If anything, he might have hoped you'd be the new wife who would take care of his kids. Is that what you really want? I doubt it.

I think you know that too, or you would have taken that job and moved. You know deep down that this isn't working out.

Read the writing on the wall. Stop doing all the work in this relationship. If he continues to visit you and call, fine. If he stops, then you've had your fling. If you're really done with your marriage, work on yourself and give yourself some time before dating again. Getting your divorce would be so much smarter than starting yet another torrid romance.

I know these words are wasted because you won't believe them, but you are not in love. This is a teenage crush that you're feeling when you're way too old and have too many responsibilities to let that kind of overwhelming crush affect your life. You are feeling NRE (new relationship euphoria), which is your brain chemistry going haywire over this new guy. It's only temporary...it wears off and then you'll come to your senses.

You need to grow up. This means end this relationship (which is taking time and energy away from your kids - you can rationalize that it isn't all you want, but you're lying to yourself), end your marriage (which means actual divorce, not separation), counseling for you and your kids, and then, after all that is done and you are confident and feel whole on your own, without a man, you can discreetly date. This process may take a year or two, as it should. Any relationship you jump into while you're still in a crappy marriage will be crappy too.

BTW...are you sure he's divorced? Are you sure you're not his long-distance booty call while he's stepping out on his wife?

Pass on this one. It doesn't sound right and you know it. If it was 100% right, you wouldn't be asking this question on this forum. I see red flags all over. I married a guy who had 4 kids by two different women. He is now my ex. My current husband was divorced, but had no kids = no problems with the "ex" issue whereas I had numerous issues with my first husband.

A person's past defines their character. As hard as it is, I think you know what the best decision is.

I see red flags all over this one.

5 kids? same mom?

I think you already know in your gut that this isn't right but he makes you feel good. Is the sex so good that you are willing to give up your personal growth for him and his drama?

You knew you weren't ready to move to his city and when you didn't up and relocate he became a little distant. This tells me he is playing you.

Take a LONG time off from boyfriends, etc until your divorce is final and you have waited about a year at least to settle yourself and clear your head.

Do you have children? If so, please make them your priority and do not introduce men to them, especially so soon. They need to adjust to divorce and get stability back.

Why on earth would you want to put yourself in this guy's drama filled life? He is already showing you the typical signs that he is not ready, he just likes the prize.

Best wishes to you.

Let him go. All the signs are pointing to not this one.

He's "not in love with you". Let that sink in!!! The phone calls have dwindled - red flag! He is always going to have 5 children and his ex will always be there (and always be annoying) and she will always have to call him. Forever! You hesitated yourself when you did not jump at the job in his city. This is not in the cards for you! No judgement here, because I know how you feel with being crazy about him, but you have to think with your head here. These are just the facts. You are also jumping the gun. You are not yet a free woman! You are separated, but you need to be divorced before getting back out there. Also, what about your own children??? Where are they fitting into all of this? Please, consider that question before you do anything else.

Run, don't walk, run away from this. The 5 kids and the still in the picture ex wife would be a deal breaker for me, but your last line said it all. You're not even in a committed relationship and he's saying that to you already?

That you couldn't "pull myself together and accept it, move and start a new life" was your gut instinct telling you this is not a good move.

Break it off with this guy. Finalize the divorce from your husband and move on. There are other fish in the sea. Staying with this guy is just asking for years of misery which would probably result in another divorce due to the stress of dealing with his kids and ex. Sometimes love just doesn't conquer all.

First of all, when you start by telling people "don't be so judgmental," it is presumptuous and says "if you don't support me, I won't listen."

Second of all, he is telling you "I'm not in love with you." He is calling you less often. He visits less than you. You write "He wants this so badly…" but the actions you describe don't support that.

Third, why didn't you take the job? You had the perfect opportunity to make this happen and you didn't take it. Hmmmm…..

Fourth, yes, he has baggage - 5 kids and an involved "ex." If you're complaining or fearful of that before things have even started, it is a warning sign.

I understand that you "feel like a teenager," but genuine lasting love during the teenage years is rather uncommon. Typically, teenage romances are fleeting and whimsical, not the stuff of a lasting, enduring relationship.

Since you don't want judgment, I doubt you'll listen to the answers you get here. I haven't read them yet, but I'll bet dollars to doughnuts you'll be upset by them…

ETA: Just wanted to add, now that I've read the other answers, you got really good advice! I hope you'll listen!

Try counseling, if you're still not happy get a divorce. Just focus on your children. I don't see much about your children mentioned in these responses. My heart always breaks for the children in these situations. When your kids are older and independent then you can date or do whatever you want. You made a decision to have your children, they didnt ask for this mess. Also sounds like this guy is married and his wife is catching on.... RUN

He's not in love with you. He said it. That's it. You cannot start a new relationship until you finish the first, period. Then when you start the new one you both have to have clear expectations. He has 5 kids. He wants more? I wouldn't want children with a man who already has 5 kids. And his wife is in the picture. Maybe she's a nag. Maybe they have a good relationship where they are still close friends, even if it's for the sake of the children. Doesn't sound like a good relationship for you to be in, especially since you're not finished with your first marriage, and after he said he's not IN LOVE with you. You're not in the same town. He can tell you anything you want to hear. He may have some type of relationship with his wife, even if it's just emotional and then have you on the side. Sounds like he may just want a bootie call girl and not want to get married. Doesn't sound like a relationship you need to be in right now. Finish your first relationship first before thinking of beginning another.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

Seriously? how are we supposed to be "nice". There is no "nice" way to say you are being stupid! That isn't to say your place is with your husband but it sure isn't with new guy! You aren't in love, you are in lust and apparently he is in lust with you as well. Problem is if love doesn't follow, which it clearly has not, lust fades and it is over.

Grow up and move on, you are NOT a teenager anymore. Most adults get that teen lust isn't real, kind of prepares us for when our teen children are in lust, nope, you still think it is real and the same as love.

There is no nice way to say this.

You are wasting your time and energy. If you are willing to admit that you are the one chasing him, then you are half way there. The money alone you have wasted on this guy is astounding.

But the time you have given him us shameful, when I think of your 4 children who probably could really benefit from your time and attention towards them in thus very difficult time in their lives. They will always be your children since you behaved and promised to be their parent.

This guy is a loser, otherwise he would be spending his time devoted to his 5 children, he would be working his butt off to make sure they were given a good example of a father.

If he is so great, how about you invite him to meet your parents? Be honest today and call your mom and dad and tell them all about this relationship.

And ask THEM, to be honest about what they think?

N. until you have finalized one relationship and are sure that your children are fine emotionally, you should not move on.
I would also suggest you stop and evaluate yourself.

This is the harsh part. The way you are behaving, you are no prize. Thuis guy with the 5 children us going to realize this, if he already doesn't. He will not respect a woman that acts like thus. He will take all he can get, but in the end, he will not respect you.

You need professional help to learn to respect yourself first. You deserve to be happy, satisfied, loved and you need to be able to look in the mirror and say "I am behaving and treating others the best way possible". As the Kids today say, check yourself.

I am concerned about you. It is obviously you have felt neglected, but you must treat yourself with the respect you want others to give you. It is not too late to work on this. You are a worthwhile person.

You are still married. You are jumping into another relationship that isn't even real. He says he is not in love with you. Please stop doing this to yourself. Get the divorce. Get some counseling. Spend some time with yourself. Don't rush into a relationship. You need to heal from this one and find out how to rebuild healthy relationships.

You are a married woman so stop. You are being unfaithful and not trying to work on your marriage.

That's what separation is for, to work on your marriage. Either file for divorce and get that part of your life over or work on your marriage and get back together.

Then, when you are a single person standing on your own 2 feet you will be able to go out and date, meet someone new, and move forward.

Walk away.

You are trying to make something happen, which, if it does happen, looks only like more misery in your future.

Because we have had so many odd posts lately, I took a look at your last post. From my perspective, you're jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

1. He has made it clear that he is not IN LOVE with you.
2. See above.
3. See #1.

Do you deserve anything less than a man who wholly and truly wants you-- and all you have to offer-- as a whole person?

That one line is pretty glaringly clear. Why would you want to be with someone who is NOT in love with you? Someone who comes with just as much baggage as your husband? (An ex wife or a widower's MIL-- they are both going to be undeniable players in your life.) Another family to blend?

There are a bunch of other factors I could list, but I keep coming back to the feeling that he likes to have "fun" with you, but says he's not IN LOVE with you.

If you were a friend, I'd tell you to take a break from relationships altogether. Divorce already, or recommit to making your marriage work. Find out what you are needing to feel good within yourself-- without outside validation. Go to therapy and figure out why you got yourself into your last relationship, how you came to have the problems you have, and figure out what you REALLY want, what works best for you and your biological children. You know which obligations are at the top of your list, and your kids have to come first. They need a mom who is going to be careful about who she brings into their lives. I think the writing is on the wall-- I'd let this go before it breaks your heart further and refocus on creating a healthier future for yourself and your kids. That's the best, first place to start. Other guys will come along-- you don't get 'do-overs' with your kiddos, you know.

Move on. If someone is telling you that are not in love with you anymore believe him. There is a book called "He is Just not that into you". You may want to check it out.

Step away.
You need to focus on you and closing your current life chapter - your separation/divorce/whatever, BEFORE starting another serious relationship. It can actually be used against you in the divorce proceedings, even if the relationship started after the separation.

It sounds like he is backing off the relationship himself.

How can you start something new with someone before you have settled the situation you are in? And I do not mean simply getting divorced first, but doing the mental work of figuring out why it did not work, what caused the split since it takes 2, what made you fall for your husband in the first place when it turned out he was not a good match, and what faults you overlooked in him and yourself that made you think it was a good match? You cannot step into another relationship without first knowing what went wrong so that you do not make the same mistakes. It sounds to me that you just want the good feelings without the hard work that comes with any relationship.
Before you think about joining your life to anyone else's I would suggest to take a good hard look at yourself to figure out what do you really want from life, what makes you happy? There are online personality tests (Meyers Briggs is the one my husband and I did before we got married and was used in our premarital counseling by our minister). Here is a fun short version of it, but I would suggest taking the more indepth one with the actual questions to determine your type.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/summeranne/whats-your-animal-pers...
I for one would not find a 34 year old man who already has 5 children to support and an ex wife that will FOREVER be in the picture because of the shared kids as someone who can make my happiness his number one priority, since he simply cannot because of his many previous commitments.
I would run very fast in the other direction, take stock of YOURSELF first, spend some time alone to find what you truly like and want and need, and complete the situation you are in with your husband one way or the other, and then your emotions will not be so easily manipulated to satisfy your short term desires without thinking about the long term consequences.

you already know the answer about what you should do.

you 'feel' like a teenager, and you are acting like a teenager.

What should you do?
I'd recognize that this might be infatuation.
It might be a case of "the grass is greener..."
IMO, if you could see a future with a man (or woman) who openly tells you s/he is not in love with you? You're "settling."
Good luck.

Stop calling this jerk - he doesn't love you, he just wants sex. Get a divorce from your husband and move on with your life.

Good luck.

Back away. There is no future there.

Your question inspired me to ask a question of my own. I can relate to some of what you are feeling, but I think that you really need space and time to yourself!! Ready make families are no fun. I know this first hand. The fact that he says, I love you, but I am not in love with you says enough!!! Oh and let's not mention the fact that he has 5 kids!!!! 5 kids?? Run and run fast! He is not right for you.

Six months is NOT a long time. It's definitely not long enough to comfortably predict who he is and how he behaves and how he handles his relationships. Do you have your own children? 15 visits with him in a six-month period (especially the first six months) does not allow you enough time with your children or with just yourself, never mind any necessary socializing. You've made him too much of a priority in your life, especially since you're not even divorced yet.

I'm not one to look down my nose at starting a relationship before your marriage is legally over. It is important, though, to draw lines in your life that are as clear and distinct as possible, for all involved, including yourself. Use this fun time--when you're not feeling desperate for the comfort of a man--as something to look forward to while you get a handle on your life.

Here is the thing...the funny thing about whirlwind romances are that sometimes they are just that. before you leave your hubby I think you should spend more day to day time with him in his neck of the woods. See how he is when the fun of sneaking around, and first dates etc. are over. Especially because he has his catch now, let's see what he does with it.