Rejection - Indianapolis,IN

L., I was so impressed with your personal insight. Few people ever look so closely at themselves and it shows a great depth and beauty for which you deserve recognition!

With my own sons, I did something that you might helpful. We had "candle time". During candle time, we would share secrets and talk about those things we'd failed to share previously. I'd reveal some little secret from my past or some hope or dream then they would share their own thoughts and secrets. With candle time, there were no consequences nor was there any worry that the conversation would lead to other more in depth conversations unless the boys wanted them because whatever was said during candle time was trapped within the candle or carried away by the smoke. This little ritual opened lines of communication that have carried us through even the most difficult years. As a matter of fact, it worked almost too well as sometimes they tell me things I would rather not know. I hope it will work as well for you.

L.,

It is often that way when we lack for our family what is natural for us to give to others. I had more patience with other people's kids than I had with my own when I taught. Part of it was the fact that I was alot more invested in my own kids so things got to me more. The other part is that I had expended all the gifts God gave me on others and had nothing left for my own. So I quit working to stay home. That's not the answer for everyone, but I felt like it was a good one for me.

To find places where you connect with him, I would just sit and watch him. Find out what he is interested. What toys does he gravitate to the most. What t.v. shows does he watch the most. Does he like sports, fishing, reading. Does he like to draw? What if you decided to make a book of the stories you have told him? Maybe he would like to pick the ones to put in it. Maybe he would like to help you do the art work. I would find something you could work on and do just a little bit each day so that he had something to look forward to with you.

It's those little times and small things that he will remember. They are things you can do every day instead of on special occasions. Tell him everyday a specific thing that you think is cool about him. For instance, "I think it is so cool how you make friends. You are a really good friend and that makes me proud." "I love how your brain works. You are really creative and that makes me smile." "You have a really big heart. I see it in how much you love your dad. I love that about you." He may push it away because he is a boy and embarrassed, but he will hold those things so close to him. He will never forget that you said them.

Ask for his help with things. Let him know that you have confidence and that you couldn't do without him. Ask his opinion. Let him know that you value his thoughts on something. Leave him note on his pillow or in his backpack telling him how proud you are of him and that you want him to have a great day.

Pull him into you in small ways a little bit at a time. At first it might seem forced or awkward, but the more you do it the easier it will be. Before you know it, he will like how it makes him feel so much that he will be seeking you out.

You are trying to hard. Be a little more gentle with yourself. I know it is hard, and the age old statement mother's are closer to their sons than their daughters and daughters closer to father is not always true.
I watched my brother do the same thing to my grandmother on my father's side. The harder she tried to get close to him the more he pushed her away (he was the only grandson and looked a lot like my grandfather and dad).
Do not change his routine with school to hang out with him, I might suggest a little reverse physc here and suggest you more or less leave him alone and let him seek you out.
By pushing so hard to get your husband to accept and become friends with your son the child may have gotten the wrong impression and felt you would rather he spend time and be with dad than to spend time with you.

I know it's hard, but please remember you can't force him to change overnight and continue to love him but respect the boundries he has set up for right now.

Continue to tell him love him, but like I said, you need to back off and let him come to you.

P. R

The book, "Respectful Parents Respectful Kids" by Victoria Kindle Hodson is all about creating connection with your child. You might find it helpful with reaching your son.

L.,
No you are not the only one, I feel like I sort of have done the same thing to my daugther, who is now 26 yrs old. I feel like she has turned out alright she has a great
husband. My main regret is that I didn't make myself do
more with her like just getting down on the floor and playing
with her, I was too afraid to and thought that if I did that
she would pass some kind of judgement on me, and think that
I didn't know how to play with her, that maybe I wouldn't do
something the right way. So I'm the one that lost out because I let pride hold me back.
It's good that you want to help others, but I think you
need to cut back and focus on your own family, your son is
young enough still that you might be able to turn things around for him if you'll just try to.
I hope I helped you some. I'll be thinking about you and
praying that the Lord will guide you.

K.

I love Lisa C's advice. She took the words right out of my mouth. Get involved in sports or art or music anything he enjoys. If you show him that what he does interests you that will make a lasting impression. I love the idea of making your stories into books. You could take him with you to a teacher store (United Art and Teaching stores). Pick out blank books. My children have some they are bound books with blank pages that you can make your own stories with. Let him pick the color for the cover or whether is is hardback or paper. Make it lots of fun.

When he gets sick show him lots of compassion. Just be there when ever he does need you. Boys are usually close to dads because their "guys". Usually boys turn to their moms for compassion when they need it. Get as involved as you can and be there when he needs you. Don't get too frustrated.

Hello L.,
Just wanted to know if you have ever read 'Bringing up Boys' by Dr. James Dobson. Your problem is covered in there exactly! It is perfectly normal (and in fact healthy) for boys to "reject" their moms and identify far more and have better relationships with their dads at the age your son is.
Be encouraged that you are doing a great job as a mom. It takes a lot of courage and strength to help your family through all the emotional stuff that you have already. The fact that you and your husband are still together and that your son loves you both (even though he has trouble expressing it to you!) is awesome. You are doing great! Keep going! And really read that book!!! It helps you get perspective on a LOT with both sons and husbands!
~A.~

WOW - Lisa C had some very thoughtful advice for you. I hope you're able to use some of her ideas.

The only other comment I have is not to be too hard on yourself. I think it's normal for a boy to gravitate toward his dad. By nature they have more in common. But, don't let that shake your confidence. Don't let your negative thoughts sway you from trying. Think positively, and you will be more likely to have success.

Good luck!

You say your husband's family was disappointed in your situation; does a part of you feel the same way? (not about your son, obviously, but how it all came about)

Are you sure you don't have your own walls up equal to your son's?

Maybe I'm reading your request wrong, but it sounds like you are insecure in yourself. You talk about your uncertainty as a teen, and how you are afraid your son will reject your company. These two situations sound very much the same. Do you feel that you deserve your son's love, or do you feel like you have to do something to earn it? If your approach is as tentative as it sounds, it could be part of the problem.

If any of these things are true, improving your relationship with yourself will improve your relationships with others.

Most of it is age and the fact he's a boy. It actually sounds like you've done a great job in helping your husband and son connect. Moms often try to smother their boys and the father/son relationship doesn't really develop as it should. I guess what I'm saying is that this is the way it should be. You will have differences with him than your husband will. He does still enjoy your stories, so that tells me that he hasn't rejected you...he is just growing up as a boy should...in the footsteps of his dad.

I honestly wouldn't force it. Let him work out how to relate to you. Every child is different, too, and they often connect with one parent over another even if they are the same sex. I would enjoy the things that he does do with you and be glad you have a strong father for him to look up to!

L.,

It sounds to me like your son and husband have a very healthy relationship and that is a miracle you should be commended upon! However, we definately don't want to overlook your relationship with your son :) I think the idea you have about taking a day and doing something special is a wonderful idea and I definately understand your concern about your son's preferences. I have one suggestion that might help, that you and your son should plan this "special day" together. Make a list of the places you will go, the food you will eat, and if you can I'd make a big point of incuding a stop for a special souvineer of your day together.

I wish you luck and definately don't knock the credit you deserve for making sure your son and husband have a great relationship. That is a hard won battle and you succeeded where many have failed so kudos to you :)

You have received some good advice. I also encourage you to keep trying. Your son is only six, so it's not too late to change things around -- it's never too late to change things around! All parents make mistakes -- and so do all children.

As for your son not liking to be touched: that may simply be his personality or his toleration to physical sensation. I have eight children, ranging from a couple who never liked receiving physical affection to a couple who are always hanging on me. I wouldn't take his reaction to being touched too personally, although I know from experience that it's easy to do.

It can also be easy to beat up on yourself as a mom when your family doesn't turn out the way you imagined it would. Life rarely turns out how we wish it would. When my children disappoint me, I try to remember how I've disappointed and failed God even more. Yet, He still loves, forgives and accepts me. He never gives up on me, so I am reminded to not give up on others. If you are struggling with self-worth, please turn to the One who created you and share your burdens with Him. He will give you peace and reaffirm your worth. Jesus will give you the strength and compassion you need.

My prayers are with you. God bless!

with school being out next friday(hard to imagine it's here already), i would spend this week and next asking him what he wants to do for the 'mommy & son day" and then preparing for it, my son and i started that when he was 3yrs old and i started working a very strainuous job, i would ask him what he wanted to do most of all that day, and we would spend the rest of the week getting geared up for it, like finding special cups to take with us for our picnic, what type of snack to make to go along, things like that. he'll be six next month and he went from being very "i'm all grown up now" when he was 3 to a boy who tells daddy it's ok to give mommy kisses but not daddy kisses..LOL. good luck & i wish you the best.